DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

"Your dd has to know what rock bottom feels like so she can change. She has to figure it out hopefully they can both change and improve themselves together. When people are left to find their way there's this inner strength that pushes them out of it. She needs to find hers on her own."

Agreed. Whilst not involving a baby in any of it.

I agree with you Navy but the op does need a solicitor on her side just in case.

Judges rarely go against SS, I thought the op couldn't help though ?

I agree Bibbity the sooner she gets support from outside agencies the better. She still has time to turn it around but it has to be of her own back.

I can't see the op turning her back on her grandchild she must be torn up about it.

OP please for the sake of your daughter and grandchild stop voicing your dislike of her bf to her. It's not helping.

Gradually stop cleaning etc and say it's to give them time to start getting into a routine. Do not ever give her money. Buy food but don't give her cash. You are enabling.

Her BF is an addict, he is self medicating with alcohol, they both need support

I sound harsh, I've been where you are and learnt the hard way.

So as far as I can see, a lot of ones wouldn't force or talk into abortion, but are willing to report her and have her possibly suicidal when she has carried the baby for 9 months and possibly has bonded and fell in love, to then have her baby taken away as soon as it's born? No, that's awful, everyone deserves a chance I strongly believe that. The story above is exactly what I'm on about and if she had someone take her baby away how would she be now? I really thing the OP should support her daughter but make her take on more responsibility by just not doing things for her anymore, but don't report her until you know 100% that she is a bad mum. You could potentially ruin her life, at least if you are there being supportive you will see if the baby is ok and any sign of meglect etc then step in, but I would hate to hear she didn't even get a chance.

oleoleole i agree.

I think you're being too soft. And you're going to be the one who is left holding the baby. I would be pretty frank about it. "You're in no condition to be a mother, you are unable to take care of yourself and your partner is a drunk. I won't be there to take care of your baby. I think you should consider your options carefully. If you bring the child into this world and I see that you're not caring for it properly, I will be the first person to call social services.".

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said by other posters- eg. letting ss know, making sure she really is pregnant rather than periods packing up due to her weight, easing up on the practical help while keeping up the strong emotional support.

You do sound such a lovely and loving mother, I am sorry you are in this grim situation. It sadly is a common enough one, with the added difficulty of her mental illness. Vulnerable girl falls in with manipulative man, then gets pregnant. So often the parents are alienated by the man, so it is heartening that you still have such a close relationship to your daughter, it means you are well placed to help her work through this mess and on to a better life. A lot of people, myself included, can get rather lost in their early twenties, it is a difficult time. She is lucky to have you there supporting her, and I really hope this situation improves and things work out for her.

Op I think you & your dh are great parents. I'd have loved such devoted & supportive parents.

I hope it all works out. How far along is your dd?

ive seen the most ill mentally woman change when becoming pregnant.of course som cant or don't.
but some wow the transformation has been amazing.with support tey have blossomed into I cant definitely say some of the best mothers ive known.their empathy there strength brings so much to motherhood.
I say it is down to support with them though.
social services involemtn can be tricky.depending on what worker you ge tto where you live.its screwed up but true.ive seen some wrongly wripped apart and some helped amazingly by their teams.
try to be practical.try to really inform and be there and see where she is with this.what is she thinking.can she do this.honestly.she needs to be honest with herself.and then honest with what she needs from you and then you honest ith what you can give and what she must now do.
can you be there.she will need lots of support more emotionally id say if she is determined its the head stuff she'll need.the love the talking. then she will find the strength to do the other too.
but its honesty.from both sides.
you sound amazing.im sorry its so hard and has been for so long.
your scared.i bet shes petrified!so lean on eacohter if you can.
whichever way this goes she will need help.
but so will you.keep yourself strong and kind to your own self.
it can be ok.it can.big hugs.xx

Jesus, honestly I think you're doing a fantastic job. And your daughter is very lucky to have you.

www.grandparentsplus.org.uk/

OP I would suggest you contact grandparents plus before doing anything, particularly contacting social services.
If this turns into a legal matter then it is important that you are aware of what to say and do. Obviously you wish the outcome to be that DD will be able to care for her child but if this is not possible then you need to know what steps you should take to ensure the best alternative for the child.
Social services, like the NHS and the education system, are under tremendous financial pressure and constraints and sometimes make decisions which are not seen as reasonable by those involved.
Unfortunately it is not correct that children are automatically placed with family members.
In my case I had been looking after the child for a year before I decided I had to take this on permanently for the child's sake.
I contacted ss partly as I wanted to know the legality of what I was doing, partly to ask for support financial, as I had had to give up my job, and any other support that may be available.
They told me it was a private arrangement, no support was available and if I could not care for the child without it they would be placed for adoption.
You situation is more complex as you, or others like NHS staff, may have to involve social services before the child is born.
Please don't think I am criticising social workers. I am not any more than I would criticise doctors or teachers. I have a family member who is a social worker, know how committed they are and see the ridiculous hours they work to keep up with an ever increasing workload.
Grandparents Plus is anonymous, non judgemental and has been a great source of support to me.
PM me if you want to chat.
It is possible. I am late 60s with an 11 year old with SEN but it certainly changes your life.

I can't say more than the other PP, I would say your views about her OH are reasonable, but being an alcoholic is an illness too, do you know much about his past, what demons he could be battling? Do you know much at all about him?

I feel you need to be open to both your DD & OH, it's ok looking after your DD and her interests, what if her OH has no family or anyone else apart from DD. I'm saying this because she's a grown adult who can make her own choices about relationships, he's going to be a Dad and has rights too.

Can I ask why you don't like him? Is it solely because he drinks a few cans a night? Or is he intoxicated to a level where he passes out or behaves in a manner which is inappropriate?

I'm sure in life my DC's will get partners I'm not overly fond of, but I know as a Mum that's my issue to deal with if they're happy together.

I know all the other posters have said oh how wonderful you are, I read 5 pages on the onus being on DD moving back home, being away from this guy. I fear others have instilled a belief that based on one issue he's an unfit parent, which does seem unfair on him as it takes 2 to make a baby. He's involved if you like it or if you don't.

I just wanted to add this angle because yes you're protective of you daughter who has had issues & is an only child. I think to go forward you need to at this moment see them as a couple.

Ok they don't have great living standards, yes you help out. If you will go round and clean, where is there motivation to do it. If you go and buy the food, where is the motivation to ensure they spend money on their basic needs? I would certainly teach your DD & OH a lesson in budgeting, so they get so much money, on pay day you take them to the shops to do a weekly/fortnightly shop. That takes away the money going straight on beer as you assume/have been told/seen in person happens.

You can help her, I think the biggest lesson is going to be in independence. So say you go around once a week, on that day you say come on DD, take a shower, let's get your washing sorted, let's get this room cleaned. You involve her in that over doing it by yourself. Then when the floors are clear, come on OH let's get that Hoover around here.

Sometimes to do the best you have to act like this, so then they've taken part, take responsibility for their living conditions. It's good training for parenthood too.

I would also say as I took the time to read through all the posts. If you know & have tacit proof that her OH is abusive under any circumstances, why haven't you taken her out of that situation?

As a victim of DV I know all I wanted was for my parents to come and rescue me, thank God no children were involved.

If you don't have proof and it's just a hunch, I think it's you not liking OH, he's not the dream man you envisaged for your daughter. You have an issue with that. Which is why DD moving home with baby is something you have considered. Basically to get your daughter back.

She might not even be pregnant as PP have said. Has she done a test. Do you know for sure she doesn't drink etc?

I still feel strongly about people chastising the OH for being in the OP's words an alcoholic. Is this something your daughter has told you, or is it you clean up see cans/bottles then do your own maths.

It would be better if you saw it as it is now, DD & SIL. Yes we want the best for our kids but we can't choose who they date. We just hope they meet someone nice with a good job, doting on each other.

I think the important things here are:

Is DD definitely pregnant?

Instil into them responsibility, so get DD & SIL to help with chores.

Find out when they get benefits and take them shopping so they learn to budget for life.

Instigate a visit to MW & also GP. If she doesn't choose to go then contact hospital for District MW & ask what to do.

Let your DD make her own decisions, don't think you can make them for her.

Advise what parenting is like, ask if it's something she really wants right now.

Ascertain for certain SIL is abusive, if so try and get her out of there. But she needs to admit what he's done, not you second guessing.

All this talk of abortion is very depressing, it seems clear the young woman wants this baby. I really hope you will not try and persuade her to have an abortion. I don't think women should be forced to carry a pregnancy they do not wish to (before the abortion threshold) but equally to try and persuade her not to have he baby is horrible.

If it is not really what she wants there would be no guarantees at all that she would not be pregant again within the year!

I agree with Deranger "...if you get a strong 'yes I really want the baby' that'd be my lever for, that's great darling, you need to immediately start eating well, taking your medication etc etc."

I would also look to the social services to see if this man can be eased out of her life. In the long run she will almost certainly have to choose, baby or abusive man. It is best if social services make her make this choice and mum and dad are there to pick up the pieces. If she has the baby can she get independent housing close to parents, away from man?

Veryworriedmumof1 you sound like the most brilliant and caring and loving mum. i cannot imagine the pain you are going through.

Please can you see if you can access any counselling to help you cope?

Horrid What makes you think "Ss are only interested in the child not the family." They try and keep families together and safe, if it is not safe for the child then the child is taken into care, but it takes a bloody long time sometimes.

Borrowedheart "but I would hate to hear she didn't even get a chance." Luckily, this will not be the OP's decision, it will be social services decision. She will have a chance to turn her life around before baby is born. If she is not able to change anything at all a decision would be made.

I am not aware of a great number of women who commit suicide after having a child removed. What they do often do is go on to have a further child who, if nothing has changed will also be removed.

My understanding is that families are given a lot of chances to turn things around and are given help, especially before the baby is born.

SingingInTheRainstorm makes some really interesting points.

Some social workers are amazing and some aren't, I wouldn't risk getting them involved because they can take a child away based on assumption, if the daughter is at least given a chance to be a mother which is what she wants, with her mums help then she could prove everyone wrong and no call to the social will be needed.

BorrowedHeart I totally agree some social workers are great and I am sure some are not. I've heard some are not, but I've not met any like that. I think the OP has to be very careful if she thinks she can manage her dd's experience from afar. If her dd is pregnant she will need to shape up very quickly to get things how they need to be for a baby.

Social services may be able to help. If things remain the same then the dd should not be left in charge of a small baby. Babies have complex needs, they are less resilient than people think.

I am sure the OP can take advice anonymously if she needs to.

It's a fair point but if you really fuck up with a kitten then the kitten dies! If you really fuck up with a baby it's a whole new dreadful story, GardenGeek.

OP this is why I did mention about reporting anonymously when she is showing, if you choose to be anonymous you need not tell her it was you.

The alcoholic boyfriend is described as abusive, it really depends how abusive he is - coercive control, financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. If this was happening before she was pregnant there is no guarantee it will stop and I think generally pregnancy exacerbates it.

I do know that babies are not just taken off mums lightly, there are mum and baby units and quite a lot of support apparently.

My son is adopted and he lived with his birth parents for quite a long time before he was taken into care.