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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

285 replies

Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 10:30

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

OP posts:
AnnaMagdalene · 01/02/2017 17:33

If she's pregnant than her not eating means that she may not gain enough weight during pregnancy. She risks having a baby with abnormally low birth weight and related health problems.

If she lives with an alcoholic in an unclean environment, its unlikely to be a safe environment for a baby.

I'd imagine that Social Services would feel there were safeguarding issues.

See www.teescpp.org.uk/safeguarding-the-unborn-baby

GoingSlowly · 01/02/2017 17:34

It sounds like a very difficult and worrying situation for you to be in. I don't really have any answers - others have said get social services involved, so perhaps do some research into what that would look like to help you make a decision.

My first thought is that you need to remain on good terms with your DD and appear to be suportive, even if you feel angry or disagree with her. The worst thing that could happen is that she tries to cut you out or not tell you things she thinks you will disapprove of. This baby is going to need you. Prepare yourself/ house etc, for looking after this baby for short periods. Be available to babysit whenever you can, for short or longer periods. Your grandchild is going to need to be shown a nice, comforting alternative to the unsettling homelife that she may experience if 'the arsehole' has a drinking problem. My Dad had a drinking problem, and I believe that is was the good fortune I had in witnessing a what a 'normal' family environment looked like, at my grandparent's and boyfriend's house, that had a massive influence on me for the better. I saw how life could be and wanted it for my future - a stable relationship without the fighting, an education, a more affluent lifestyle, etc.

NavyandWhite · 01/02/2017 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnaMagdalene · 01/02/2017 17:40

I think there's a potential conflict between

a) looking after the daughter
and
b) looking after the (not yet born) grandchild.

The daughter may want to carry on living with her boyfriend, not eating, not looking after herself not going to check ups. and generally not engaging with any services because she doesn't want them.

This isn't actually going to be that great for any baby that is growing inside her.

It makes it all the more likely that the baby will not be healthy and even in more of the kind of stable care, that a physically and mentally unwell woman who wants to stick with an alcoholic partner is unable to give...

I think an element of realism is useful here. This needs more than just maternal love from the poster. It's a situation where professional intervention is needed.

Doobydoo · 01/02/2017 17:48

Have not read all thread yet but just want to say to you OP.....You have not failed and are not failing your daughter.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2017 17:49

veryworried I am so sorry for you and this situation.

I know you are 50 something but our son came to us by adoption aged 3 when I was 48. Woould you consider caring for the baby under some sort of special guardianship? I think you need to prepare for this although if she could not care for him or her the baby could be adopted and it may be possible to have a more open style adoption, especially if she realises she cannot care for the baby.

If taking on your grandchild were possible, if this were to be a reality, could you handle this and your relationship with dd?

I guess in an ideal world she would come back of her own free will and bring baby and you could care for them both. If she began to get better and this knobhead boyfriend loses interest now there is the reality of a baby on the way and that he moves on it may work much better. Sorry, that sounds very heartless but he is clearly not a good influence over her.

If she really is incapable of caring for the child then social services need to be informed. How will you daughter cope with you being the one to inform social services?

You may be able to do this totally anonymously. Please be careful and think about what you will say to her, how you will speak about this. I know this sounds awful but to be honest if you choose to report anonymously when she more noticeably pregnant I would not even tell my dh. That way if you choose to keep your involvement in reporting it a secret you will be able to do so.

I am not sure if this is a wacky suggestion, I would just not want any more barrier between my daughter and me.

Our son is adopted and we have had various training courses along side people who have special guardianship orders. They are all ages and it really depends if you and your dh are fit enough and well enough to do this.

How does your dh feel?

You sound like an amazing mum who has poured herself out for her child. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Thanks

AnnaMagdalene · 01/02/2017 18:02

While it's undoubtedly true that babies whose mothers can't look after them may be well looked after by other family members, I not that the original poster has said.

'We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby' and that she suffers from depression and anxiety.

So I'm not sure there's an easy, happy ending one. I think talking to caring in professionals in real life is required.

AnnaMagdalene · 01/02/2017 18:04

Sorry, that should read - 'I note that the original poster has said...'

And 'I'm not sure there's an easy happy ending to this one...'

Original poster
Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 18:05

sleepy erm no, neither of us have or had alcohol - or any other substance- issues. We are a fairly, boring, normal family. It's only been in recent months that I have become depressed and anxious. We otherwise don't have a history of mental health problems in the family. We are just...average people. Nothing fantastic or unusual about our lives. We've always prioritised our daughter and our marriage. Even when she was ill as a teenager, she was still close to us and very loving. It's only been in the last few years since she met him that she's become distant.

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 01/02/2017 18:16

there's a world of difference between "I think you should have an abortion" and "If you wanted to have an abortion then I would support you".

This, 100%. It's never right to "do whatever you can" to make someone else have an abortion. You have no idea what her personal feelings are about it and it's a decision she will live with forever. It absolutely has to be hers.

Original poster
Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 18:16

If push came to shove, we would definitely take on this child. We will support DD but of course, she needs to be the parent.

I want to take a step back. I'd love for her to be fully independent. I don't have any real desire to have her home. The ideal scenario is that she's happy doing her own thing. I'm torn between; "how can I allow her to live in a mess?" and "she's an intelligent young woman, she knows how to hoover and clean!". Ironically, she had plenty of chores in the house as a child. I was very firm from a young age and didn't run around after her. That said, I fully recognise and accept that I've allowed myself to become her skivvy. DH is in agreement that I do too much out of guilt. He thinks we need to let her go a bit and see how she manages. He's keen for DD to think about her long term career options. He wants her to definitely get some qualifications and he thinks she will see that she can achieve something and it'll boost her self esteem. He doesn't feel that her coming home will be helpful for her, although does think that she needs to end this hideous relationship.

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 01/02/2017 18:20

What triggered her illness in the first place. Having a baby to care for can bring on depression. It does sound like she is in a codependent relationship and she wants to rescue him.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 01/02/2017 18:28

I wish I had something useful to contribute OP, other than with my DSis who has mental health issues things have improved since we all backed off and let her sort things out for herself a bit (while still being there for her).

This must be so worrying for you but I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely, caring mum and your DD is lucky to have you Flowers

Original poster
Veryworriedmumof1 · 01/02/2017 18:31

Spot on Henry. She thinks she can make him all better. Underneath it all, he's probably not a bad man, just messed up. He's emotionally abusive when he's drunk.

The initial episode was triggered by being bullied at school. She gets easily knocked for her perch. I worry for her.

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 01/02/2017 18:32

This is heartbreaking, can see why you are so upset. Definitely contact social services. They don't take children away as standard, they try to support so that a child can stay with its birth family. She needs real and official help

mainlywingingit · 01/02/2017 18:35

Are you sure there is not a drug addiction with your DD? Sorry to hear of
Your mightmare Flowers

Yell0915 · 01/02/2017 18:47

No real advice but Flowers you sound like a lovely mum and your dd is lucky to have someone who is so worried about her well being

AgathaF · 01/02/2017 19:16

BorrowedHeart I would argue that the child is in danger. The dangers of being bought up in a chaotic household include neglect and suffering emotional abuse at best. But if they can't create a child safe environement then there are other dangers too - external doors left unlocked or open, unguarded gas fires, access to alcohol or other substances, even cleaning substances, medical illnesses ignored, etc. Parents need to be able to take care of themselves before they can take care of a child.

BorrowedHeart · 01/02/2017 19:48

Having a baby can change people, it did with me. No one has given her a chance yet.

JigglyTuff · 01/02/2017 19:53

Borrowed - a baby shouldn't be a tool to try and sort yourself out.

She is a young woman with a possible eating disorder and chronic severe mental health issues living in a chaotic, filthy home with an alcoholic abusive man.

Of course the baby is at risk.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/02/2017 19:56

Well, a baby could change her life for the better but equally it could change it for the worst. Or not change it at all.

Not to mention what that life will be for the poor baby!!! It's not a risk anyone should take.

Funnyonion17 · 01/02/2017 19:59

Aww you sounds a brilliant mother. I'm not surprised your concerned. I've no time to read the full thread but hope all turns out ok for you all :)

Newbrummie · 01/02/2017 20:04

Babies in utro are remarkably resilient, the baby tends to take what it needs and if anyone suffers it's the hosting mother. Try not to worry too much or be the bad guy, let SS be the ones to put her straight and you sit there agreeing how nasty they are whilst thinking thank god

FurryLittleTwerp · 01/02/2017 20:05

"bibbity" I agree with you - the option not to have, or not to raise, the baby needs to be discussed.

If her GP is worth their salt, they will sensitively raise the options & their possible impact, including imagining the retrospective look from five years down the line.

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 20:06

i hear that new but there are endless articles going on about how important nutrition is during pregnancy for brain development etc. I agree with you bibbity, I've known babies break far more relationships/people than they fixed because it can be so hard, even when you're fully well to start with. Sometimes the people that have romanticized parenthood find it the hardest.