DD is pregnant and I'm devastated

[Veryworriedmumof1]

My husband thinks I'm BU and that we will deal with like like we've dealt wi everything else in life. He's a glass half full kind-of man and I'm not. AIBU and overly emotional? To avoid drip feeding; I have depression and anxiety and I can be quite negative and overly fearful.

DD aged 22 has been mentally ill since she was a teenager. She's bright but missed a lot of schooling due to inpatient psychiatric admissions. She's quite determined though and found herself a good job not long after she dropped out of school. Things were improving for her; she had a job, she occasionally socialised and she seemed less unwell. Then, she met an emotionally abusive alcohol dependent arsehole. I think that's when we lost her.

DD and the arsehole live 20 miles from us in the most disgusting hovel that I've ever seen. I know that people with mental health problems can self neglect but she was never like this before she met him. I've tried everything to make her life better; I go to their flat once a week to clean, do all their laundry, buy food, make them dinner and drop it around. I give her money to spend on nice things for herself but I expect she gives it to him to buy booze. :( She kept missing work and lost her job late last year.

DD confessed that she wanted to move nearer to me and I offered to sell our house, buy a flat and give her the money to rent in our area. They discussed it, apparently, but he doesn't want to, so she won't. Her room is here and available for her. I want her home.

We love our daughter very much and she has lots of positive attributes. However, her mental illness brings out the worst in her. She's so demotivated and can barely look after herself at the moment. When she said that she was pregnant, I told her that I loved her and would support her. I can't stop sobbing. She can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself. DD is 5ft5 and must be less than 7 stone now because she doesn't eat properly. She doesn't get dressed most days and I don't know she doesn't shower as much as she could. I've dragged her to the GP but she won't go. There's nothing I can do with an adult who won't engage with mental health services. I don't want to have to contact social services about my own daughter but they can't safely look after a child, so what choice do I have?

We are not in a position to be the main carers of a baby but we will do everything in our power to support DD. She is welcome to move back home with the baby (and we will help) but that arsehole is not stepping foot through my door.

I know she's an adult but she's an ill one who missed out on growing up due to mental illness. She is immature and I don't even ask her to look after the cats while we are away because she couldn't cope with the responsibility.

I've given her info on women's aid and other DV charities. I've offered to fund private therapy for her. I know I'm a mug doing her cleaning but she's ill and I can't have her living in filth. I will never see any grandchild of mine living like that either.

I'm crushed. I want her to be happy and healthy.

I meant bibbity not "bibbity" above, just to draw your attention to my support!

Deranger01 oh it's a far from ideal situation, not optimising any aspect of the babies development but if there's no substance abuse, it'll be ok.

I didn't use a baby to sort myself out not sure where you got that from, but cheers for being judgmental so soon. I was staying with my dad and things happened and I got kicked out, that was my bad place. Met someone and fell pregnant and it made me wise up and learn to look after myself better. I don't think she should be criticised before she has even had a chance to prove herself, it's just too soon for social services. I think bringing up abortion in a gentle way as to just say you will support her is a good idea, however I wouldn't force it as that could make her mentally worse. It's a tough one but I think everyone deserves a chance before being accused of being a bad mother.

NavyandWhite The baby will be ok. They are resilient in the womb, they survive war, concentration camps, all sorts.

i can accept that new, so used to focused on the optimal, brain optimising herring munching outcome, you're right that absent abuse things will hopefully be OK for the baby.

What is her diagnosis?

You haven't failed her at all - you sound like such a wonderful mother - you clean, you help her out, you even thought of selling up and getting a flat to give her money .... you are great and you will all get through this

So the baby in utero might be ok (so long as the mum isn't drinking/taking drugs too) but what about the baby after it is born? When it needs 24 hour care and the op doesn't trust her dd to look after her cats when she's on holiday? (the sort of care that takes 30 minutes per day max). Who is going to pick up the slack? the alcoholic partner? The op has already said she can't do it.

Why PLAN to bring a baby into the world who is guaranteed to need a massive amount of support from social services and/or grandparents? It is just not realistic.

bibbitybobbityyhat what's the alternative, forced abortion?

That's what mums do isn't it ?

Maternal stress can also have an enormous impact on the future mental health of the foetus. A foetus can be physically resilient yes, but that doesn't mean there is no impact as long as drugs and alcohol are avoided in pregnancy.

That if ss allow the op to take care of the baby. They may want the baby to have a fresh start. The op should look at what she can do now from a legal point.

I just want to say, that I was your daughter except I was 20 years old - living with and pregnant by an alcoholic, much older violent abusive arsehole, mental health issues, 7 stone when I actually went into labour...it all sounds awfully familiar.

My midwife knew and was incredibly supportive, even had me admitted to hospital for a week when he came back from a particularly horrible bender and I was scared to be around him but had no where else to go, my mother was not as supportive as you. She was judgemental and self righteous and lecturing.

Giving birth alone was the most terrifying thing I have ever done but, it changed my life. As soon as my child was born I knew I had change, it was him and I against the world 6 months later I split up with the father and have never looked back. I have a brilliant relationship with my 22 year old and my other children too actually as well as a fabulous career and own my own home. You sound like a fabulous mother and I wish you and your daughter all the best. I just wanted to give you a positive story. Yes, my illness meant with subsequent children I suffered horrific PND but with my first, it was literally like a light going on and I saw my mess of a life and this beautiful baby and I reached out for help. Just be there for her when she does. I have never told him but I truly believe my firstborn saved my life, literally.

Your dd has to know what rock bottom feels like so she can change. She has to figure it out hopefully they can both change and improve themselves together. When people are left to find their way there's this inner strength that pushes them out of it. She needs to find hers on her own.

horrid ss will never overlook relatives who are able to look after a child in favour of a 'new start'. Placing with family is always the ideal.

Navy ss are horrible when they are ready.

Mother the op has to get legal advice if it comes to it. Nothing is guaranteed. The best place for the child is to stay with the family. Ss are going to make their own judgment. I was on another read and if she didn't have her solicitor with her her baby could have been taken. Ss are only interested in the child not the family.

No, of course the alternative isn't "forced abortion". Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

It's the court that has the final say where a child should go.