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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down an invite to soft play because of germs?

318 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 26/01/2017 21:22

Ds (7) has been invited to a soft play party, I don't want him to go because I think basically they are a complete germ fest but he obviously goes to school so is soft play any worse than that?
But then how often is soft play ever cleaned? Never? Someone I know took their child and their child went in the ball pool and got covered in poo. Who knows what lurks in the ball pool?! I'd hoped by 7 ds wouldn't ever have to go to soft play again. It's been about 2 years since we've been but my germ phobia didn't exist then so it didn't bother me.

Aibu to say no based on the fact I don't want us all to catch norovirus?

OP posts:
HandbagCrab · 28/01/2017 09:18

Op you are ill, you are a priority and you need an urgent gp appointment next week. There are lots of different medications you can try. Cbt only works if yoy commit to it. Your therapist could have been terrible, or identified that it wouldn't be successful for you at that time due to external or internal reasons. From your replies here there is no evidence that you think this behaviour is unacceptable or that you want to change.

The outcome for your dc is the same as if they were neglected or abused and weren't allowed to do anything other than go to school. I don't think it's possible for your behaviour not to impact negatively on their development.

Is there anyone you know that's firm but fair and could hold your hand while you contact your gp on Monday?

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/01/2017 09:27

Not really. I haven't got any friends any more.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/01/2017 09:52

Why do you think it needs to be avoided what do you think will happen. How do you cope when it's in the school

elektrawoman · 28/01/2017 10:02

OP you really need help. This is EXACTLY what the NHS is for. So to summarise the situation:
You have had mental health problems previously,
You have a phobia which makes it difficult for you and the children to go out,
Your DH is financially controlling and uninterested in you or DCs and absent 50% of the time,
Your baby is not having any social interactions with other children apart from her brother,
Your DS has ASD/SPD for which you are not getting any support or therapy,
And now you say you don't have any friends to turn to.
Please please for you and your DCs sake get help. Of course they wouldn't be better off with someone else, you are their mum for heaven's sake, you just need to make changes and you don't seem to be able to do that alone so you need support. What about your family? Please make a GPs appointment and take this list with you. Flowers

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 28/01/2017 10:03

Maybe it would be better if someone else did have my children. At least they could have a normal life.

And that is why you need help. Thinking those thoughts are part of your MH problems. Get on the phone and talk to your GP, please.

MsHooliesCardigan · 28/01/2017 10:06

OP did anything happen to trigger this. You weren't like this when DC1 was a baby. Do you think you were a bad mother to him? Being ill is just part of life. You must have thrown up as a child. Do you think it caused any lasting harm?

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/01/2017 10:37

Before dc2 was born ds did everything and went everywhere. Every opportunity he had I said yes to. I took him out all the time to pretty much anywhere you could think of. We went swimming, we went to theme parks, we went to museums, we went to soft play, we went to the library, we went to children's farms, we went on holiday abroad, in fact I struggled because he'd been everywhere within about a 50 mile radius.
Then dc2 was born and was poorly and everything changed.

I actually don't remember having a sickness bug as a child and my mum doesn't either. The first one I had I caught from dh at the age of 26! Prior to that I don't remember having one. I was sick for the entire nine months of both pregnancies. I'm not worried about being sick myself. It's the children.

OP posts:
Footle · 28/01/2017 10:53

I'm just another voice saying the same thing, OP. I remember the posts last year from the poster I think was you, and have often thought of her and hoped she got better.

The thing about illness and other adversity is that we go through it, we feel awful, and then we get better. And that's how we learn to cope with living.

Yes, some people don't get better but most do.

Your husband is a massive part of this problem and I wish he would read this thread and get his head out of wherever he keeps it.

Ketchuponeverythingplease · 28/01/2017 11:06

What happened when DC2 was poorly? Did you think you were going to lose them? I am so sad for you. X

Quartz2208 · 28/01/2017 11:17

So he was poorly and scared and you were scared and you want to save him from that again is that right. And that feeling has grown so it's become huge and sickness bugs have become more than the inconvenience that they are (and sickness bugs are just that)

I get it as I said upthread DS had sepsis from scarlet fever. A friends child died of meningitis and I became paranoid about non blanching rashes and then one day he got one. After he recovered every time he got the slightest sniffle I panicked and he went to a & e twice ( hand foot and mouth and tonsillitis) but it's made me realise that I can control him being ill only make sure he is treated when he is

Iamastonished · 28/01/2017 11:23

"Your husband is a massive part of this problem"

This ^^. I don't usually look up a poster's other posts, but her husband is financially abusive and a complete tosser. It makes you wonder why men like him get married and have children because they aren't interested in their own families.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 28/01/2017 11:25

It's just you now how like normal families get to be happy? Maybe not all the time but some of the time and generally overall they are reasonably happy?
Well that's not us. We just lurch from one catastrophe to the next. We don't get to be happy. So I just wait for the next bad thing to happen and try and stop as much bad stuff happening as I can.

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 28/01/2017 11:27

My heart goes out to you Skating Flowers
If only your husband would support you life would be so much easier. Is he really not interested in his own children?

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2017 11:32

If you just wait for things to go wrong then how are you meant to live?
I seriously know how you feel, I have been there, I have had councilling and I have realised that you can't stop things from happening, you can't spend your life worrying about what's around the corner, yes bad things happen but you have delt with them and survived so you will again. You need to learn to focus on the here and now and now what might happen tomorrow, if something does happen (if your dc's get sick) you will cope and they will cope, not many children die from catching a tumma bug, kids pick things up and the the more they pick up the stronger their immune system becomes.

Please talk to your GP and get some counselling, CBT therapy is good for treating health anxiety.

elektrawoman · 28/01/2017 12:01

Yes but you can be happy again, you have to believe this. You sound depressed and I don't think you have recovered from the trauma of your baby being ill. But she is not ill now, and you need to find a way to live a normal life again. If not for yourself do it for your kids. What kind of childhood memories do you want them to have? Honestly is this what you want for them? You can't get this time with them again. You have to be strong enough to move on and make the changes, we all believe you can do it but you need to believe it yourself.

Robstersgirl · 28/01/2017 12:11

He's more likely to get ill not being exposed to germs as he won't build up immunity. Anti bacterial products have caused all sorts of strains of new germs. Let the boy play and be a kid for a few hours. I'd be more worried about some of the children who tend to turn feral once they step in the play frame. Hmm

Robstersgirl · 28/01/2017 12:14

Read the later comments OP get the help you need, the way you feel is temporary, you will get better and you will be happy. Your children need you, you're Mummy. Hope you find a way through this quickly. Flowers

elektrawoman · 28/01/2017 12:23

If you don't believe what everyone is telling you, here are some memories from my own childhood.
I do remember getting a tummy bug, and lying on the sofa with a bucket, and my mum coming in and her comforting me, and I knew it was all ok because she was there. Then being off school, mum looking after me and giving me flat lemonade and arrowroot biscuits! (She still does that now!) When I look back it's actually a happy memory, it makes me smile because of my mum, how comforting her presence was and how I didn't mind about being sick because she was there for me.

The unhappy memories I have:
my mum crying because she had been invited out with friends, but wouldn't go because my dad wouldn't give her any money for clothes and she was embarrassed about having nothing nice to wear.

Also my mum's fear of water, she couldn't swim so hated taking us swimming, and instilled that fear in me. I remember being at school and everyone else going off swimming in the deep end whilst I had to stay in the shallow end. Even now I can just swim but am too scared to dive or go water skiing etc.
I am sure at the time when all this happened I 'seemed ok', but when I look back now I can understand how it affected me.

So I just want to explain again that being sick does not make kids unhappy. Being made to feel fearful, not being allowed to do everyday things, and having parents in an unhappy marriage is what makes kids unhappy long term.
Please get some help.

GimmeeMoore · 28/01/2017 12:31

The +ve are prior to this you been well for long time,you've been active,no emetophobia
Over time,and incrementally your mh has deteriorated.thats how illness can develop
Take a breath,have a cuppa.you know this isn't right,it's not always been your normal
See GP they can determine best treatment,there are numerous options inc online
If your husband earns well can he pay for your private therapy?

bumsexatthebingo · 28/01/2017 16:26

Your kids wouldn't be having a normal life in care because of their mums mh problems though. They need you - healthy.

bumsexatthebingo · 28/01/2017 16:30

You say you used to take your ds1 to soft play and all kind of places and nothing catastrophic happened. You are trying to control something that doesn't matter. There are plenty of important things you can control such as whether you stay with your abusive dh and whether you push for the support you need.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 29/01/2017 10:00

Oh god dh is going on about going on holiday in the summer for a fortnight abroad. I can't even go to the library. How the hell can I cope with two weeks abroad. And the plane. And the pool. And the food. He's told ds about it and now ds is all excited and I'm going to have to say I can't go. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I was anyone but me.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 29/01/2017 10:07

Please get to the doctor!

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 29/01/2017 10:20

I can't see me being able to go on holiday dr or not.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2017 10:21

Surely you can see how sad this is skating?