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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To turn down an invite to soft play because of germs?

318 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 26/01/2017 21:22

Ds (7) has been invited to a soft play party, I don't want him to go because I think basically they are a complete germ fest but he obviously goes to school so is soft play any worse than that?
But then how often is soft play ever cleaned? Never? Someone I know took their child and their child went in the ball pool and got covered in poo. Who knows what lurks in the ball pool?! I'd hoped by 7 ds wouldn't ever have to go to soft play again. It's been about 2 years since we've been but my germ phobia didn't exist then so it didn't bother me.

Aibu to say no based on the fact I don't want us all to catch norovirus?

OP posts:

waterrat · 27/01/2017 13:45

Surely the real fear here is a fear of being sick? Getting little bugs coughs colds and yes sometimes norvirus is just part of life. I see it is normal and not remotely frightening. Please don't let your children see being sick as some sort of catastrophe to be avoided at all costs.

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2017 13:50

You need to see your GP. I don't even know what to say about your "D" H. You can't make any noise! WTF?! How much of your anxiety stems from that relationship.
Regardless. You need to see your GP. Be honest about how much your anxiety is affecting your life and seek treatment.

CosyCoupe88 · 27/01/2017 14:29

Soft play as risky as a war zone.. Even you don't truly think that. Stop spouting such utter garbage and get some help

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 14:30

You need to go back to the gp and get rid of the dh for the sake of your children. The gp can chase your referral and/or prescribe different medication. This isn't just about you but about your children who are stuck in at home all the time not even allowed to make noise. Your kids needs should come before any discomfort you have seeking help and at the moment their needs are being neglected. Instead of endlessly researching the effect of germs on Google why not research the lifelong impacts of having limited social interaction in the first 3 years of life and see which you think is more harmful.
You can't help the fact you have anxiety but you are choosing not to push for the help you need.

JackLottiesMum · 27/01/2017 15:26

My son used to get quite sick easy when he was younger and while I dreaded soft play parties I didn't stop him. When I say quite sick he used to end up with 40 plus temperatures and his body sometimes bruised from being touched so he was often in A&E with it. So sometimes I would give the party mum a pack of those wet wipes and just ask if she minded cleaning his hands before he ate to avoid him getting sick.

If you are worried, clean his hands in that anti bacterial gel before hue goes as the gel keeps working for hours I think!

cinnamongirl1976 · 27/01/2017 18:12

OP, I am emetophobic so I totally understand where you are coming from. I hate softplay, not just for germ reasons, but also for the way some parents just leave their older DC to run rampage and barge past little ones. However, it is really good for physical development as well.

Anyway, I am sidetracking. I know you have had a lot of good advice here but why don't you look up Ieso Digital Health? They do online CBT that is NHS-funded. I didn't have to wait for a referral and am now doing CBT for my phobia. Really hoping it will help. If it's available in your area, maybe you should give it a try?

Let him go to the party, too. My DD does swimming once a week and sometimes I worry about if one of the children is sick or has diahorrea in the pool, but it has never happened in 2 years. Once when she was a toddler she was in a lesson where a girl did a poo (a solid one but it broke up a bit!). They fished it out and carried on. I thought it was a bit ick and was so worried she would get sick but nothing happened. The instructor also told me that the pool has an alarm system that tells them if the water is contaminated.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to know about the online CBT. It's free.

Megatherium · 27/01/2017 20:28

I just can't face them being ill. I know they are missing out on things. I can't see us being able to go on holiday again for instance. But at least they aren't ill.

But don't you see, they cannot avoid encountering these infections at some point, and by refusing to allow them to build up immunity you are making it only too likely that when they do they will a much greater adverse reaction?

I'm really concerned that you are effectively saying you never go out with the children. You are harming them much more than you would by exposing them to the odd germ or two. You really must get help for yourself for the sake of your children, and indeed for your own sake. You can't spend the rest of your life huddled indoors, and you can't imprison your children for their entire childhoods.

Quartz2208 · 27/01/2017 20:37

I just can't face them being ill. I know they are missing out on things. I can't see us being able to go on holiday again for instance. But at least they aren't ill.

I agree you are putting being ill and saving them from that as being the most important thing.Its notenjoying life is

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 20:40

Agreed. What's the point in being well slightly more often and being stuck indoors unable to make any noise, unable to go to parties, unable to swim?

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 27/01/2017 20:57

Well they seem fairly cheerful. They wouldn't be cheerful if they had a vomiting bug?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 27/01/2017 21:00

But as things stand do you think they will look back and have happy childhood?

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 27/01/2017 21:04

Probably not

OP posts:

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 21:25

They wouldn't be cheerful for the one or two days they were feeling ill. But I think it's better to be ill for a couple of days every now and again than basically live like a prisoner in your own home. And for your youngest this is such a crucial time for his social development. Keeping him at home nearly all the time could have long lasting effects on how his brain develops. And for what? To avoid a sickness bug once every couple of years? That's about how frequently my kids get them and we are regular soft play goers, swim twice a week etc.
Your brain is going into overdrive trying to protect your children. But in trying to protect them from a minor thing you are risking causing serious harm.
Please chase up your gp. For yourself and your children.

Iamastonished · 27/01/2017 21:32

Every reply on here has advised you to make an appointment with your GP. Your children are suffering because you refuse to seek help.

You appear not to be listening. Please, please, please get some help. Your children will not remember your over protectiveness in a positive way.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/01/2017 21:36

OP you sound very isolated and alone and the issues with your husband can only be making things worse. Are there any family/friends who can offer you support? Anyone you can go to and say "this is what's happening, I need help?"

Off on a tangent, upthread I saw the phrase "you need to give your head a wobble...". Please can somebody tell me what it means? Is it a new expression, where did it come from? I've heard it a few times recently and always think what am ugly expression it is!

Ketchuponeverythingplease · 27/01/2017 21:46

Oh dear there is a lot to unpick here OP isnt there? I do wonder whether your husband checking out of the marriage as you see it, makes you wrap the children up tighter?

Please please get some help. You are worth better than living like this.

SingaSong12 · 27/01/2017 21:55

OP I hope that you know deep down that you need help. I also know that with any MH issues it's very hard to ask for help and follow up.

Think back to the person you were before the phobia. Read through your posts here as if a stranger wrote them. What would your old self before the phobia have suggested to a MN poster? Would it be to seek help? Then go do that.

Do it for yourself as well as your children. As PP have said they are missing out and risking more physical and psychological illness.
However you are missing out on doing things yourself, on seeing them playing and hearing about adventures they have had. I presume you are missing out on doing activities you used to enjoy for yourself and interacting with other adults. Do your own hands get raw or damage from using a lot of soap or gel? Do you have any physical problems if you never use public toilets when out (some people would get more UTIs)

If you don't know where to start with the GP print out some of your posts on the thread and if necessary ask the GP to read it then discuss. Ask for a double appointment so you don't feel rushed.

SingaSong12 · 27/01/2017 22:01

If you might avoid the doctors surgery due to the phobia then phone and ask for a telephone consultation, or ask for an appointment at the very start of surgery or as a last resort if you can't face it write to the GP.

dowhatnow · 27/01/2017 22:18

Are you more important or your DC's? Your actions and standpoint are saying that you and your feelings are more important than they are. That's utterly selfish. Sorry.

Twopeapods · 27/01/2017 22:22

I feel your pain. I hate them for the same reason. Our local one has a nursery attached and the nursery kids get time slots to use it. They currently have an outbreak of norovirus with only one staff member in and I thought they would do a deep clean, so I phoned to ask and nope no deep clean. So I've given it a miss for now

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 27/01/2017 22:25

No Down, they are very very very precious. Hence why I can't stand the thought of them being ill and scared.

OP posts:

elektrawoman · 27/01/2017 22:42

Please can posters read the whole thread before posting! Banging on about norovirus is not going to help OP with her phobias.

OP you don't want to see them 'ill and scared' - why would they be scared? When my kids get ill they are grumpy/needy but I would never use the word scared. They understand about illnesses and why they get them, and what to do about it, and that they will feel a little ill for a short amount of time but it doesn't last for long - and they get to watch extra tv and stay off school a few days! They are honestly never scared about it.
Seriously OP - by making stomach bugs out to be such a massive awful thing you are going to be passing on your neurosis to them. Is that what you really want?
Also you really only seem to see 'illness' in very narrow terms i.e. Stomach bugs. Mental illness is more damaging than any sick bug. You don't seem to see your phobia as an illness. Also what about your DC's untreated ASD? By focusing so much on germs you are not giving his issues the attention they need. Sorry for sounding harsh but you are really avoiding the problem here.

bumsexatthebingo · 27/01/2017 22:43

But can't you see that the life they are living is worse than occasional illness? If they are as precious as you say then you need to do what you can to give them the life they deserve - no matter how uncomfortable it is for you.
Occasionally being sick is not overly pleasant but a normal part of life that is entirely bearable for children. My ds is actually often quite pleased after the initial sickness as he gets 48 hrs off school the majority of which he is feeling fine for.

elektrawoman · 27/01/2017 22:47

Oh and (from personal experience), when a child with ASD/sensory issues gets a rare party invite I think it would be really mean to turn it down because of your own phobia.

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 27/01/2017 22:54

My little one wouldn't understand though...if they were ill. They wouldn't know it would stop?
I can just imagine taking them somewhere and them really enjoying it and then the next day being really ill. Is it worth it?

OP posts:

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