AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

[Fubbs]

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

"she behaved appallingly and spoilt the holiday for everyone else"

Bullshit. Yet another thing that you've invented to fit your narrative that the OP is an evil unreasonable cow spoiling life for her poor poor husband.

The sort of holiday most people prefer is one together, surely?

I can understand if it's not the sort of holiday the op likes. I once did a holiday I didn't enjoy much. It was a sort of particular activity holiday, which I was unable to do well enough to partake. very remote, unable to walk anywhere. No car. Cold. No TV. The only thing I could do was read.

We didn't do it again! DH realised that it wasn't much fun for me.

YANBU

I would call his bluff and arrange to go somewhere really nice with your friends. Let him spend two weeks wrangling the DC on his own.

I think it's horrible to make a decision like that unilaterally, especially when he knew you didn't enjoy the destination last time. It's like he is enjoying winding you up.

I suspect he will back down when he realises you really aren't coming, bit by that time I would have booked something fabulous for myself.

YY Barbara. Luckily I am fluent in Spanish so can ask the ham question beforehand and ask that they don't use it as a garnish. They almost see it as a condiment rather than something which people might like to know about!

Bill, are you actually the one on glue?

there is a "brigade" on here that thinks that anyone in possession of a vagina is always 100% in the wrong. In situations where it is quite clear that the man's actions are wrong rather than the woman's, as in this case, they will try to "read between the lines" and invent scenarios that put the woman in the wrong.

This.

OP, your DH is treating you like a child, trying to give an illusion of choice by saying, "Do you choose A or B?" when both A and B are the things that he wants, and what you want is C. It's not up to him to define the limits of your options. In a normal partnership, the options are A-Z and together you come to an agreement that is acceptable to you both.

OP, only you can answer the discussion about whether you normally get your own way in your relationship and you don't have to announce it here either, as it is about what can be done to improve things between you and your husband.

Bullshit. Yet another thing that you've invented to fit your narrative that the OP is an evil unreasonable cow spoiling life for her poor poor husband.

The sort of holiday most people prefer is one together, surely?

What you're both wilfully overlooking is the fact that when the OP was on this dreadful holiday where she had (Quote):

'I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.'

She was with her FAMILY. And despite being in the company of her family she had never been more bored and she told her partner that. On what planet is that not appalling behaviour? Finding the company of your family the most boring thing in your life and actually TELLING them that and trying to book flights to get away from their boring company?

Can you imagine the strips that would be torn off a man whose wife came on here and said she'd gone on holiday with her husband and he'd told them they were boring and he was going home?

I did a search for men who had behaved in similar ways and they were called boring, dicks, twats, rude and 'a life sucking vegetable'.

I just cannot understand how in any universe telling your partner spending time with them and your children is the most boring thing you've ever done in your life is okay behaviour.

Being trapped by overwhelming heat in a basic underequipped flat, where even if the temperature actually dropped below hideous to merely appalling the only entertainment options are risking significant burns at the pool or beach? Yep, I'd consider it extremely reasonable to consider that very boring. And I enjoy Spanish food.

I would absolutely be contacting his parents and telling them that the climate/food etc doesn't suit you and therefore none of you will be going - behind his back!

If he loves you & respects you then he won't be mad. If he goes Nuclear then you can be certain that there is a bigger issue at hand.

I personally would have lost my mind and immediately called them and politely informed them of this and that it's not happening. X

I think your DH is being controlling in many ways. I would tell him ok go to your parents and we'll have a small break, but next year it's my turn to choose, which makes it fair for both.
About the sex, tell him that you're not an object for his pleasure and if you're not in the mood you certainly won't be turned on by him moaning more.
Is he controlling generally or just in decisions where usually both of you would have a say?

I don't understand the problem.

Your DH is going on almost free holiday with the children. He has said it's fine if you don't want to go so you aren't being obliged to go somewhere you hate. Presumably they are also going to see their grandparents at the same time.

What's the issue? Them having fun without you? The cost of DH's flight?

Feel like I'm a bit odd but I'm struggling with why this is bad.

I've lived abroad for decades where temps can reach 50 degrees in the summer and I consider a temp of 35 degrees (97 degrees in old money) to be hot. I would think twice about being on the beach in it.

Eek sorry seems I missed a whole chunk of the thread. Have RTFT now apologies OP.

Presumably they are also going to see their grandparents at the same time

We were told pages ago the grandparents are not going.

Although you may be in the same location, you are not having the same holiday if the rest of the family are doing stuff you can't do or really dislike.
Joint activities should be just that, where all are taking part and enjoying.
There has got to be something in the holiday for both of them.

It's not appalling behaviour to say you dislike something. Perhaps her preferences were continually ignored on the last holiday there. Maybe she had not one day she could join in with enjoyably. That's appalling behaviour from him.

If it uses up ops dHs holidays, it may not be possible for her to have a family holiday on to of this one so effectively she misses out on a family holiday due to her DHs selfish decision.

Spanish bars and shopping centres have air conditioning. Cars have air conditioning, hire a car and go for a drive to a city. Play board games with your children. Talk to your family? Have a meal at home with them? Read news on the web rather than looking for flights? Buy a frickin' Dyson air blade! Paste on a smile for a few days so you don't ruin everyone else's holiday? Anything except telling them they're boring and you want to go home!

I can't believe this thread, the OP has detailed in her own words how she isn't interested in what he says or wants or needs and doesn't take anything he says seriously and normally gets her own way yet apparently he is controlling?

Although I suspect the usual has happened and once the relationships thread is mentioned the usual crowd from over there mobilise en masses to come to AIBU and insist that if your DH left a butter knife in the sink thirty years ago and read a copy of The Daily Mail he found on the train last week and said there was a 'rather good' article about growing begonias in it and asked if you were having the sausages in the freezer for tea then you're a victim of long term emotional abuse and exploitation.

So your husband has decided unilaterally where the family summer holiday is this year and has said you can either come or not come?

I struggle to see how anyone could think this is not unreasonable!

I get the really really wanting to do something the other half does not. I have this. The answer is discussion and compromise - not ultimatums. Splitting the weeks is an option - or each person taking alternate years to decide.

There may be lots of back story in your relationship dynamic that could explain how you have got to this point - but that does not make his behaviour reasonable...

And this is totally different to the scenario where on topof your family holiday one parent takes the children away e.g. to see grandparents abroad. I do this but even then my husband might be a bit upset if it were for two weeks because he would miss his family.

And it is surely not relevant whether it is reasonable to dislike southern Spain or not. We all like different things.

I personally think your Dh is being a cheapskate. He doesn't want to fork out money for a nice holiday that you'll enjoy. So, he's hedged his bets and said in basic terms, 'I know you don't want to come, so I'll take the kids, yay me, I've saved money on an airfare now'.

Why not compromise on he takes dc for a week there, you get a break, and then a week somewhere you want to go. I'm assuming Uk holiday where it's not going to be 35' temperature, unless you want to go to the North Pole??

Um... she didn't tell her family they were boring. She said the holiday in that particular location was boring. If she didn't enjoy it she had every right to say so. She has not implied that she spent two weeks whining about it - quite the reverse if anything. But pretending she had a great time - lying about it - would be daft. If you can't tell your own OH that you did not enjoy something and would not be open to doing the same again then what does that say about communication between equal partners?

There is a huge amount of projection on this thread on both sides I think, so I'll just add to it if I may by saying I'm one of those people who can't be doing with temperatures over 30 deg, and although I love lazing around with a book, two weeks stuck indoors with noisy, inefficient air conditioning and the exciting menu of hand-prepared cheese sandwiches would not be my idea of a holiday well spent. She'd get similar (if not possibly better) conditions in prison for the fortnight. That some would be in a position to make the best of it doesn't mean everyone can, even if they tried their socks off.

As for pointing out that he doesn't want a cat, which is fair enough, but leaving out the fairly significant detail that he does want to wish a dog on the rest of them is disingenuous. I don't think it's AnotherEmma who's reading a different thread .

Anyway - OP - what I'd do is let them go, let them have a whale of a time in the first week and then get bored in the second week like last time. Enjoy washing and cooking for just one, watch the telly you like with no need to compromise, and prepare to welcome them back with a smile. If DH staggers in swearing that he will never go away alone with the tribe again it's a bonus. Mind you, if they all come back having managed perfectly well without you that's a bonus too.

Clearly there's a background but for me one or two weeks with my parents when I lived away from my country was non negotiable.
Why shouldn't he?

He wouldn't be with his parents though. That would be perfectly reasonable.

Seeing as the OP and the DH are clearly locking horns on this issue and another holiday at another point in the year does not seem to be an option, could I suggest they both put their own feelings to one side and give the DC the casting vote - e.g. "Ok, DC1 and DC2 - do you remember going to GM's apartment in Spain last year. Would you like to go there again? Yes/no? Did you think 2 weeks was a bit long? Or would you prefer to go somewhere else like Brussels? Or a week in Spain and another trip to Brussels?"
Put it to the DC, then put up or shut up! Family time is precious. Does it really matter where you are? As far as I'm concerned, if the kids are happy, then DH and I are too. Why else do you think people pay thousands to go to Centerparcs, fgs? You have a limited time span in which the DC will want to holiday with you, so just suck it up and stop all the wrangling would be my advice.
Brugge is probably a better destination than Brussels tbh, unless you have a fascination for all things EU? You can drive to Brugge easily if you live in the South- East.
Also, yes it does get to 35 degrees for at least a few days every year in London. Even 30 degrees in London feels hotter than 35 in Spain or any coastal place /resort because of the smog and humidity. The tube is hideous with no air-con quite often and the buses are like greenhouses.

Oh dear Bill! You are very invested in this thread. Projecting much? While the terribly sad tale of you having to walk round Paris looking for a vegetarian restaurant utterly moved me, you have made up a whole backstory for the OP and her behaviour when what she actually describes is controlling and worrying in and of itself, whatever fantasy scenario you can come with to justify it.

A marriage is a partnership. No, one partner should not unilaterally appropriate joint funds meant for a family treat which everyone should enjoy which is the highlight of the year for all without any discussion, when that means there will not be any other chance for the other partner to do something they enjoy. I'm sure there are many things the children would enjoy other than the fortnight in Spain but it's not really about them, is it? It's about DH throwing his weight around. Which is a concern. Even before you get to the part where he thinks he is entitled to sexual servicing however she personally feels.

Are you really that obtuse?

Well if the husband is a bully and has already made it clear THEY ARE GOING, the children are unlikely to be brave enough to defy him even if they would prefer to go somewhere else.

Unless he's only like that with the OP and is actually better at listening to his children - who knows!