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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/01/2017 11:51

If he wants a dog then I'd point out that he'd be the one responsible for all dog walking in all weathers. He'd also have to clean up it's crap.

The more you say, the more like an utter twat he sounds.

dowhatnow · 29/01/2017 11:51

rosti
His parents are unlikely to go at the same time and they live in this country too. Otherwise I agree that seeing family is more important than a normal holiday.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2017 11:53

Rosti1981

Not really the same. Yours is a really special occasion which won't come around again.

The OP's is going to happen again and again and...

dowhatnow · 29/01/2017 11:58

And I firgot to say that if he still doesn't care and ignores the 'emotional repercussions, then I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to stay in that relationship. Same with the dog. That's such a serious responsibility, everyone has to be on board with it. Has he considered it may just be him and the dog if you end up splitting up?

Astro55 · 29/01/2017 12:17

. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to take children to see grandparents abroad on his own

Grandparents won't be there

prettywhiteguitar · 29/01/2017 12:30

I think the real problem here is your relationship with your dh, it's sounds so fraught with disagreement.

We have had disagreements in our house about holidays but we always still like each other and would find a compromise.

It really sounds like you don't like each other

venusinscorpio · 29/01/2017 12:30

People please RTFT. The DH just wants a cheap holiday in his parents' holiday home, the parents won't be there. Nothing wrong with that. But he has unilaterally decided that will be the family summer holiday even though the OP hates the place and the OP can choose to come or not. And he will use all the holiday budget and joint savings on it. No discussion or compromise is acceptable. If she's upset by his controlling behaviour and doesn't fancy sex she is manipulating him as she owes him sex. That's rather worrying behaviour OP. Big red flags with what you say.

LALALALALAND · 29/01/2017 12:49

As his parents are paying for the children to fly as a family you are only paying for him. No accommodation costs.

So for the same cost as a family holiday you can book a 2 week holiday with flights and hotel for you and the children. Children get 4 weeks away. You each get 2 weeks away.

Sorted.

dowhatnow · 29/01/2017 14:01

Except even a free holiday will still cost a lot. One extra flight and spending money for a fortnight is seriously going to eat into the budget for another holiday. According to ops DH, they can run to another couple of days somewhere Angry

Rainbunny · 29/01/2017 19:04

OP you are NOT being unreasonable to be annoyed, angry even at the way he has treated you. He didn't treat you as a partner and someone with whom he should discuss holiday plans, instead he arranged it with his parents and gave you an ultimatum which leaves you going on a holiday he knows you don't want to go on or having no holiday with your family this summer at all. It's not the idea of him going with the kids and his parents on holiday that's bad, it's how he went about it.

As for accusing you of "withholding sex" what a BS term! (and TBH if my partner accused me of withholding sex it would permanently turn me off him!) Yes sex is an important part of a relationship but you can't demand that someone who is not in the mod for sex be available for sex. I'm not someone who can compartmentalise my relationship, if I've had a figth with my DH I can't ignore my feelings and have enjoyable sex, that's not withholding, it's being upset!

I really think you and your DH should consider some counselling, your dh is set in some very unhealthy communication patterns and you mention you can sharp-tongued as well. As for the holiday, if you can bear to be away from your dcs I would let them go on the holiday, I'm sure the dcs would have fun - your dh might not have as much fun being the main parent... ;) I'd spend a day at a spa while they are gone!

BarbaraofSeville · 29/01/2017 21:22

The Spanish are well known for not mentioning the addition of ham in otherwise vegetarian food, so sympathies for that and I understand that it can be very hot there, but there is always a pool or the sea to cool off in?

A vegetarian who doesn't like eggs is always going to be limited in what they can eat but you can always salad, bread, cheese, lovely bean stews etc from the supermarket?

Having the time to read seven books while laying in the sun sounds like a pretty great holiday to me. Where is the holiday home - there must be some interesting cultural stuff nearby to visit?

NameChange30 · 29/01/2017 21:51

Yet another person completely misses the point!

Chloe84 · 29/01/2017 22:15

Hope his holiday is shit. But that the kids aren't miserable.

confuugled1 · 29/01/2017 22:20

Is there also an element of conveniently if he goes away with the DC to the PIL's holiday home then you will be at home to look after the dog so no paying out on kennels or asking big favours off people.
Which means also that if you ever going to use the hassle/expense of dog sitters etc for holidays he will be able to shoot that excuse down because you'll be at home and able to look after it for free...

So make sure you remember in both arguments discussions to say that if he gets a dog and goes away that he needs to sort out dog care; that you will not be doing it even if you haven't gone away with him, not least because it will mean that it will stop you from going away (even if to see friends) or just doing what you want to when you want to on your holiday without him there.

I'm sure it's not a main factor either for a dog or for the holiday you can't go on - but it may be used as a convenient extra fact to bolster arguments so make sure you've got a responseready to throw back of this gets thrown st you!

wictional · 29/01/2017 22:46

DH told me yesteray that if I don't want sex and he does, he has to go without and that's me controlling him

"But you having sex with me when I don't want to would be what, DH? Hmm "

Your DH is a dick.

Velvian · 30/01/2017 07:01

How's it going, OP?
Sounds like your DH & PILs may be ganging up on you, is this something they do?
DH can throw his weight about as much as he likes, but it sounds like this is a step too far. You've done well not to engage when you can't be calm about it; does he enjoy making you the "irrational" one in other areas? Pps are right; He sounds like a dick.

nelipotter · 30/01/2017 07:29

I think the thing that stood out for me is 'family holiday home'. The fact that his brother has spent a lot of time there too says to me that this place may be really special to him and he has a kind of dream of his kids having great memories there too. I don't think its necessarily the PIL 'ganging' up on OP.
My SIL hates pets and the country side and as a result my brother is not allowed pets or country holidays and its pretty sad, esp as I know how much he loves those.
If you hated going to a place he loves so much that must have been quite devastating. He knows you def won't go with hence this tactic.
I agree that it was poor form to make it an ultimatum and your sexual politics are definitely out of whack. But if it wasn't an ultimatum you would never agree to go so he's in the corner there iyswim!
It's a shame you guys aren't a team and willing to do things the other loves.
But it sucks when someones partner hates the things that are very precious to them.

Roomster101 · 30/01/2017 08:58

There is no way I would go if I was you as you won't enjoy it and it will make him think he will be able to get away with this again. I suspect that he won't enjoy the holiday at his parent's house that mch without you there and he will think twice about doing this again.

Can you afford a second holiday? If you can, I would book it and present it to him as a fait accompli and tell him he can go if he wants but you and the children are going anyway.

EurusHolmesViolin · 30/01/2017 09:15

35 is hot and many many people find it stifling. But it is manageable if you amend be your days accordingly. We went to Vegas as part of our holiday this summer - was 50 degrees! We went to the pool at 6am and went out again other places later evening (though it was still high 30s at night time)

How would that be manageable if you can never cope with 35 degree heat, though?!

2014newme · 30/01/2017 09:26

You don't like it there. They do. So let them go. Book another trip that you all enjoy.
It sounds like you and your husband don't like each other much but that's a,separate issue.
Lots if people have made good suggestions like going to the house when it us cooler rather than at height of summer but you do sound a misery who wouldn't be happy no matter what. So stay home and enjoy some time to yourself

BillSykesDog · 30/01/2017 09:39

DH has been a bit digging his heeels in lately

I'm interested in this comment. It seems to imply that in the past you have mainly got your own way and recently he has not been a pushover.

In your original post you said a night of passion wasn't on the cards 'because he'd pissed me off'. And while I do agree that you have bodily autonomy you do seem to imply in your posts that sex only seems to be available when he is doing what you want and it's almost a reward for being a good boy who does what he's told. Which is really unhealthy. The way you word it doesn't make it sound like it was because you didn't feel like it but a conscious punishment. He dealt with it badly, but if it's genuinely not a punishment or means of coercion you need to communicate that better because the clear message that I and he got from what you said is 'No sex unless I get my own way'.

You clearly have very different ideas of what constitutes a good holiday. You seem to want to go somewhere cool and do activities, he wants to go somewhere hot and relax. So, yes, alternate years sounds perfectly fair. You did what you wanted last year. Did you fork out for an extra sunshine holiday for him? Did he sulk and moan it was too cold and the food wasn't exotic enough and he wanted to relax instead of doing day trips or activities and try to leave early? Probably not, he probably did what most people do and tried to make the best of it so he didn't spoil everybody else's holiday. A week in Brussels sounds dire and really it's his turn this year, so either go and make the best of it or stay home.

I have to say I've seen quite a few posts on here recently where husband's have been sulking and moaning about holidays and the general response seems to be 'leave the miserable git at home' so I'm a bit surprised that you're being told YANBU well I'm not really cos MN is often hypocritical about standards between men and women.

Lastly, my DH is vegetarian and this has been an area of conflict between us. I have literally had to walk round Paris for four hours in snow and minus temperatures before he could find somewhere he was satisfied to eat. We were hugely restricted on where we could go on holiday and eating out wasn't an option. It was frustrating and unfair that his diet choice impacted so much on the rest of the family while he didn't make much of an effort to minimise that impact. For example we can't possibly go all inclusive or eat out incase there isn't anything to eat but guess who cooks when we go self catering?

We've worked this out by going SC but sharing the cooking, and eating out sometimes even if he can just have chips or a cheese pizza or cheese stuffed peppers. He also has to make the effort before we go to learn enough of the relevant bits of local language to ask about things like cooking oils and I expect him to research things like if local cheeses use synthetic rennet (which is generally unlikely). On the odd night, for example if we want to try a fish restaurant, he stays home. If he has to have a fortnight eating variations of bread, potatoes, egg and tomato he makes the best of it because he understands it's not really fair to deny his children new experiences because of his preferences. You seem perfectly happy to sulk about not being able to eat the food, but you seem perfectly happy to stop block them from eating too and have to walk past all the lovely restaurants serving beautiful food because you won't go there.

You don't seem at all open to compromise or putting up with other people's preferences. It's all about you, no hot weather, relaxing is too boring, you want to go somewhere with a wide availability of restaurant vegetarian food rather than working around it. You had all that last year, this year it's fair he has his kind of holiday. YABU.

Fubbs · 30/01/2017 13:17

I think you need to talk calmly, say that it's his decision if he chooses to go without you, but that obviously you are very upset that he's doing so and he's got to realise that there will be emotional repercussions to this that affect the way you feel about him. That's not you "punishing" him, but a natural consequence of the decision he is unilaterally taking. That you feel unvalued and hurt that he's not taking your feelings into account when there are plenty of other options that you could agree on. Acknowledge that last years holiday, although chosen together, might have been a disappointment to him if he likes hot countries etc but that it is possible to compromise on somewhere abroad warmer (different place/time of year) but that has more things to do/eat that suit you both.

This is perfect put! I am gobsmacked how much it hurts to be ignored. It feels like the ILs were a bigger part of the decision making process than me and discussions about alternative destinations were dismissed immediately by DH. At least I tried the house in Spain and am basing my decision to not revisit it on my experience there.

His parents only bought the house three years ago so it's not that it has precious childhood memories for DH. I have felt a slight pressure to go there from them and DH and I did indeed go. Unfortunately, I did not like it and have no urge to go again. There are many other places to go on holiday, I'd like us to try them.

I am not expecting DH to change his mind about going and he can have his kind of holiday but I am very certain that not going is what is best for me.

I feel like he'd planned our "talk" last week to go much better, seeing as he'd figured out that I could get the two days "compensation" break to make it all okay. I object to having my holiday options decided for me in advance and presented to me.

We do have communication issues - but with DH playing reasonable and me feeling hurt, I'm not able to talk right now and I told him that yesterday.

*DH has been a bit digging his heeels in lately

I'm interested in this comment. It seems to imply that in the past you have mainly got your own way and recently he has not been a pushover.*

Or that he's decided his way is the right way, no discussion required - e.g. he doesn't want a cat, even if the rest of us do, so we're not getting a cat.

I'm not looking for DH to be painted as the bad guy while I'm all sweetness and light. We all have our moments, good and bad.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 13:31

Do you normally get your own way though, even if you don't actually give him ultimatums as he has now? Can you usually persuade him? Is he normally the more laid back of the two of you, and just digging in his heels more now?

Fubbs · 30/01/2017 14:07

I usually let him have his moment and then approach him when he's got it out of his system, IYKWIM. He'll say anything in the heat of the moment, whereas I tend to say what I mean.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 30/01/2017 15:00

Fubbs, presumably you want your marriage to last and you want DH to be happy right? So I'm not saying this to be nasty but because I think it's something you need to hear.

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and how you prioritise your needs and wishes against those of your husband.

He doesn't want a cat but the rest of you do. He's said no. You think that is unreasonable.

You don't want to go on this holiday. The rest of them do. You have said no. You think this is reasonable.

When you say things you mean them. When he says things to you, you dismiss them as the heat of the moment.

What I'm getting from your posts is that you're very determined to get your own way and are very unwilling to take your husband's feelings and wishes into account. You say that it's only a recent thing which implies that until recently he has given in and done what you wanted.

I think possibly marriage counselling would be a good idea for the two of you and possibly you might have to confront some tough truths about yourself. You don't seem to be able to see that him putting his foot down about the cat is no different to you putting your foot down about the holiday because you don't seem to be able to see that his wants and feelings should be given an equal priority to yours.

Plus, the things you're saying about how you behaved on the holiday and not having sex if he won't cave in to you, it really does seem like there is a very unhealthy dynamic in your marriage where you are only concerned with getting what you want and you don't really care what your DH wants and if he is happy too and are prepared to behave very badly to get your own way.

He seems to be making steps to stand up for himself. I really think you need to address these problems otherwise your marriage is going to be in big trouble.

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