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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 31/01/2017 09:08

Last post was in response to whats

Roomster101 · 31/01/2017 09:21

Although I would generally agree that family time is precious time, there are limits. I think it would be a bad idea for OP to go along with this as it could set the precedent for similar actions by her DH in the future.
In this scenario I wouldn't bother arguing about it. I would just call his bluff and book a really nice holiday for a couple of weeks with the children at a later date (I presume that there must be some spare money if his holiday involves free accommodation and children's flights paid for). Let him know that he is welcome to come but you understand that he won't be able to do both as he will have run out of annual leave....

MrsPeelyWally · 31/01/2017 09:22

Clearly there's a background but for me one or two weeks with my parents when I lived away from my country was non negotiable.
Why shouldn't he?

His parents live in the UK as does the OP. The holiday he is in Spain. The parents are not going.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/01/2017 10:37

it is unreasonable to decide wherer the children will be without discussion with both parents

it is unreasonable to spend the family holiday budget with out consultation with both partners.

It is abusive to pressure someone for sex.

it is unreasonable to think of the needs of your partnert when planning holidays. op has ben completely disregarded. who wants to spend two weeks being miserable this is not a holiday.

it would be unreasonable to get a cat when he does not want one. equally he would be unreasonable to get a dog when you don't want one.

he is being unreasonable to not consider any of your suggestions.

I think there is a hell of a lot more to this. the relationship sounds unhealthy.

Original poster
Fubbs · 31/01/2017 14:05

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply - I've read all replies, it's interesting to get everyone's perspective.

There is quite a bit of reading between my words that I don't mean but it's good to see that what I think I'm saying might not be what people hear!

I won't be going to Spain (not to control DH, but because I don't like the place) and won't be lying about why I'm not going - but I won't be rude about it, either.

I like feeling part of a team, being dismissed as someone who's opinion is not required and having my holiday options dictated to me hurts.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 31/01/2017 14:10

So are you categorically saying that when he expresses an opinion, you don't get him to change his mind often and that you don't end up doing what you want to most of the time? If that is the case then you are definitely not being unreasonable - but you do seem to avoid answering that particular question.

dowhatnow · 31/01/2017 14:17

I like feeling part of a team, being dismissed as someone who's opinion is not required and having my holiday options dictated to me hurts.

This is exactly right - as long as you are sure that he feels like that about everything too.
No one should control anything. If he really is dictating to you then I think you should explore counselling because it really isn't a healthy relationship.

NameChange30 · 31/01/2017 15:11

Well, except that couple's counselling isn't recommended if the relationship is abusive.

Obviously we don't know if it is (and there are clearly different opinions on this thread!) but FWIW I think there are several red flags.

venusinscorpio · 31/01/2017 15:36

I agree with you AnotherEmma.

Original poster
Fubbs · 31/01/2017 15:46

I know that I'm being slightly wary on this thread - I'm not sure what way my words will go down so am trying to be careful.

I can't think of situations like this where one of us has "got our way" , which is why I haven't answered that question - this situation is not the norm, thankfully. In a sense, DH got his way when he got Sky Sports, for example, because I certainly didn't want it but that is different. And I'm not saying I'm a martyr and never get anything!

Kids are happy to holiday anywhere so they'll go to Spain, which fits with DH's wishes, but they would also happily go other places too.

On this particular issue, DH has decided on the holiday and dismissed any alternative suggestions. He's decided what my options are (go/don't go) and presented them to me. He's managed to do the following that hurt: ignore my opinions which feels like ignoring me; give me a no-win situation of going to someplace I don't like or miss out on the family holiday.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 31/01/2017 16:54

If it's a one off then hopefully you can get over this one glitch. Be wary that this doesn't become a future pattern. Have a nice break doing what you want to do and let them get on with it. It probably won't live up to his expectations on his own anyway, when he is having to do all the work. i think he thinks you will change your mind.

dowhatnow · 31/01/2017 16:58

Sorry to keep harping on but if you decide on a day out for example. Who chooses where you are going? If you are buying an item, who chooses which one? That's the type of thing that I mean.
If this varies then maybe this is just one issue that he feels strongly about.

NameChange30 · 31/01/2017 16:58

I do think it's strange that he's suddenly started digging his heels in about having his own way, if the two of you had been happily making joint decisions before.

Has anything else changed?

Butterymuffin · 31/01/2017 17:20

It is worth thinking about anything else in the background that might have triggered this sudden desire to take a stand and be the big man.

I still think that you might benefit from playing the long game for now and, without hiding your feelings about his high-handed behaviour, let him take the kids and make plans for yourself. As neither you nor his parents will be there, it will certainly be much harder work as the sole parent than he has bargained for. Let him feel the uncomfortable consequences of his actions, and also potentially notice that he may be taking you for granted. It also gives you a position next year to take that can be 'My turn to decide now' or 'You got your way last year, now we need to work out a fairer system'.

Branleuse · 31/01/2017 17:31

I think he is perfectly within his rights to take the children to spain without you for a holiday if you dont want to go. He hasnt just pulled a random holiday out of a hat. Its to free accomodation in peak season rather than somewhere else that might cost thousands.
If you dont want to go, thats fine, youve got a couple of weeks to yourself

Roomster101 · 31/01/2017 17:38

It's not a free holiday though Branleuse as his flight and other expenses will have to be paid for. Also, he will have used up all his annual leave. Therefore it isn't a holiday in addition to the family holiday, it is instead of the family holiday. I don't therefore think he is "within his rights" to unilaterally decide to do this.

Branleuse · 31/01/2017 17:41

i said free accomodation, which is usually the most expensive bit. Hes only using up his own annual leave. Not OPs. She could take the children elsewhere if she wants another time

Roomster101 · 31/01/2017 17:48

I do think it's strange that he's suddenly started digging his heels in about having his own way, if the two of you had been happily making joint decisions before.

I don't think it is strange. His parents have probably suggested it. They probably have no idea how much OP hates it and think that she will go along with it.

YouTheCat · 31/01/2017 17:50

It's the lack of any compromise that makes it worse. If he'd reduced the amount of time to a week, when it's not quite so hot, maybe the OP could have tolerated it but 2 weeks somewhere where you will be hot, uncomfortable and bored sounds hideous.

harshbuttrue1980 · 31/01/2017 17:51

I agree with Branleuse. It sounds very controlling to stop someone going on a holiday that they can afford to go on, and he's taking the children not just going on a lads holiday leaving you to look after them. Book somewhere for you and the kids to go to, and let the kids have two holidays.

Roomster101 · 31/01/2017 17:51

i said free accomodation, which is usually the most expensive bit. Hes only using up his own annual leave. Not OPs. She could take the children elsewhere if she wants another time

There are expenses other than accommodation which might mean another holiday with the children will be difficult financially. Even if OP can afford another holiday by herself with the children, I don't blame her for being upset that her DH has decided they should holiday separately this year (although I suspect he is just bluffing).

venusinscorpio · 31/01/2017 18:03

I agree, a week each with some compromises on both sides would be a reasonable thing to expect.

NameChange30 · 31/01/2017 18:24

I'd love to know which holidays everyone goes on in which the flights, food and other expenses are all free!

How many times does it have to be repeated?! The OP said they don't have the money for this trip (even minus accommodation costs and DCs' flights) and another one. Deciding how to spend the family holiday budget should be a joint decision.

And sure, the husband can use his annual leave how he likes, but I think most of us would be hurt if our partners chose to use a large chunk of their annual leave holidaying without us.

Branleuse · 01/02/2017 12:35

not if theyd offered that we could come. OP is the one insisting they holiday alone.

My parents have a holiday home which we go to every year, and if dp didnt want to come, id go without him, and he would be fine with that. Luckily hes not a pain in the arse.

NameChange30 · 01/02/2017 13:42

She's not insisting they holiday alone.
She wants to make a joint decision about a holiday they will all enjoy.
Refusing to understand that makes you a much bigger PITA than the OP, tbh.