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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Being TOLD what the family summer holiday is by DH??

280 replies

Fubbs · 26/01/2017 10:53

On Tuesday evening, DH informed me that he was taking our two boys to his parents' holiday house and that I could go or not, up to me.

(Bit of background, we were there two years ago and I didn't enjoy it. Way to hot (35+) so I had to stay indoors with the air conditioning; vegetarian food doesn't exist there so I gave up going out to eat as I was sitting watching them tuck into food; couldn't sleep well with the heat and noise at night; nothing to do or see so I got through seven books; I tried to fly back early but the flights were too expensive. I have NEVER been more bored in my life. DH is well aware of all of this.)

I feel like he's decided where the holiday is going to be and I'm just been told about the plan without being asked about it at all. He's discussed holidays with his parents at the weekend as he told me they'll pay the kids' flights so the holidays were decided between them then and I'm the last to know. He has dismissed my suggestions of alternative destinations completely and he seems to feel that if he says no, that's that. He said that as I have a choice whether to go or not, I'm the one being unreasonable but that we can go for a couple of days somewhere I want to go at another time.

Then he's surprised that a night of passion isn't on the cards for him after he's pissed me off and he told me that I'm controlling him as I've a choice about going to the holiday home or not but he has no other choice.

I haven't slept well the last couple of nights so am wondering if IABU?? Where do we go from here?? And what do I say to his parents when they ask if I'm looking forward to the holiday? I don't want to be rude to them but don't want them to think that I'm okay with the situation I find myself in.

Help!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 15:17

For fucks sake. This husband is very good at painting the OP as the bad guy and it seems half the people on this thread are determined to do exactly the same thing.

I despair of AIBU sometimes. Shame you didn't start this thread in Relationships, OP, as you probably would have got more support and less blame Angry

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 15:29

I'm afraid that i think I rather agree with the above. I suggest that you have the conversation, that I suggested which you highlighted in your last but one post, and that you really listen to the answers and how he feels. I think he probably felt very similar to you about last years holiday. Sympathise with this, perhaps acknowledge some of what billsykes has said and see if you can come up with an understanding of each others viewpoints.

As far as the holidays are concerned, you need to come to an agreement. There are lots of compromises. Take it in turns to choose, accept that you holiday separately each year but split the finances equally between each holiday, or find a different, warmer but not too hot place, or a different time of year.

But as bill says you do need to look at why he is recently feeling the need to stand up for himself and why he is digging his heels in. Where is this likely to end. You need to carefully listen to what he has to say. Perhaps counselling is the way forward.

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 15:30

agree with bill not the one posted in between.

venusinscorpio · 30/01/2017 15:43

But the OP said they agreed the location etc of last year's holiday together. He has unilaterally told the OP where they are going and what the joint savings are being spent on and she can like it or lump it. It's controlling. It's unreasonable for him to expect her to be happy about it being presented to her that way.

And I don't know why certain posters are falling over themselves to excuse his concerning behaviour.

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 15:58

He did agree but he could have given in, if that is the usual dynamic of the relationship. We don't know. I have asked lots of questions earlier in the thread as to who makes the decisions etc. From the answers given it seems that the op may be used to having the final say. But maybe not. She needs to consider this possibility though when discussing the issue calmly with her DH.

venusinscorpio · 30/01/2017 16:14

I don't think it's ever appropriate to lay down what's happening with joint funds without discussion or suggesting compromise and act like the OP is optional to her own family holiday.

I think it's controlling. And he is not entitled to sex when she is upset, or any other time. It's not a chore that the OP is required to perform.

Lovewineandchocs · 30/01/2017 16:16

He doesn't want a cat but the rest of them do. Yes, but he is insisting on getting a dog, which as far as I can see, no-one actually wants.

The OP doesn't want to go to his family holiday house but the rest of them do. Yes, but she wants a discussion with input from everyone as to where they could all go on a family holiday that suits everyone. She isn't insisting on a particular country/type of holiday that no one else wants.

See the difference?

Astoria7974 · 30/01/2017 16:17

Let him take the kids by himself. You then book yourself a 2 week holiday by yourself somewhere nice.

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 16:32

Initially I agreed with the majority of posters that DH was controlling etc then
Yesterday I asked
Is it 50/50 normally? Does he always make big decisions? Do you get you own your own way normally and he is rebelling a bit and insisting that he gets his own way for once?

Eventually after several more posts and questions, with me oscillating between agreeing with the majority, taking what the op said on face value, and then thinking there could be another side to the story, it is the following that made me agree with billsykes
I usually let him have his moment and then approach him when he's got it out of his system, IYKWIM. He'll say anything in the heat of the moment, whereas I tend to say what I mean.

In other words he'll say what he thinks then later she'll make him change his mind/give in.

Maybe they are both as bad as each other. DH certainly isn't coming out covered with glory by issuing this ultimatum, but maybe there is a reason he is "digging his heels in recently". Maybe it is pure frustration at having his opinions ignored. I think the op needs to explore this by communicating with DH, maybe with the help of counselling.

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 16:46

" I usually let him have his moment and then approach him when he's got it out of his system, IYKWIM. He'll say anything in the heat of the moment, whereas I tend to say what I mean.

In other words he'll say what he thinks then later she'll make him change his mind/give in."

No, that's not what the OP said - it's your twisted interpretation.

My interpretation is that he gets angry in the heat of the moment, and says things he doesn't mean, so she gives him time to calm down before bringing it up again.

Perfectly consistent with a man who insists on getting his own way and won't tolerate being disagreed with.

And the OP's strategy is sensible - you can't reach an agreement or compromise with someone who is in the heat of the moment and says things they don't mean.

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 16:49

There are literally zero examples of the OP insisting on having her own way, and several examples of her husband insisting on having his way.

And yet several people are convinced that she must be controlling, as if that's the only possible explanation for his behaviour.

NO. If he is being controlling that's on him. It's his responsibility.

The OP won't be perfect, no one is, but she is not responsible for his behaviour, either.

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 17:01

That interpretation could well be valid. We don't have enough information. Perhaps the op could tell us more?

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 17:06

I'm not sure I'd be in a great rush to provide even more explanations given how much people have already blamed her and twisted her words.

Mistletoetastic · 30/01/2017 17:17

Is vegetarian food really scarce in Spain?

BillSykesDog · 30/01/2017 17:47

Ah, MN relationships. Where support usually consists of:

'I've just come home and my husband hadn't done the washing up so I stabbed him in the face and hit him round the head with a cricket bat, what should I do?'

'He hadn't done the washing up? That's abuse, call Women's Aid. Stove him in the back of his head with a shovel just to be sure then take his credit cards and order a dishwasher'.

But seriously, the OP's husband is not 'painting' her as anything. This is all her own words. But as usual the normal MN brigade who believe that anybody in possession of a vagina is 100% perfect and can do no wrong and that you always have to tell a poster they're right because it's 'nice' have piled in.

And I can 100% guarantee that if a woman posted on relationships to say that her partner was behaving the way the OP is she would be told that she was being abused and to LTB.

What we have here is the OPs word, and OPs usually give a side which tends to present them well because it's from their point of view. And despite that the OP is still coming across to a lot of posters as not treating her DH very well. But she also seems to like her DH and want her marriage to work so IMO I think it's far kinder to tell her the truth which is that she might be contributing to problems.

And re the dog, you can't alternate a cat and a dog each year can you? It sounds like they can't agree so they've got neither. Which is what you have to do in that situation. But holidays you can alternate if one person is prepared to compromise. But the OP is not.

BillSykesDog · 30/01/2017 17:48

Emma are you on glue? Are you reading a different thread to the rest of us?

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 17:50

Yeah I'm on glue, that must be it Grin

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 17:51

Or I just disagree with basically everything you've said Wink

dowhatnow · 30/01/2017 18:06

In other words he'll say what he thinks then later she'll make him change his mind/give in."

No, that's not what the OP said - it's your twisted interpretation.

My interpretation is that he gets angry in the heat of the moment, and says things he doesn't mean, so she gives him time to calm down before bringing it up again.

Your interpretation could be valid emma
But the ops answer was in direct response to this post
Do you normally get your own way though, even if you don't actually give him ultimatums as he has now? Can you usually persuade him? Is he normally the more laid back of the two of you, and just digging in his heels more now?t
I think my interpretation is more likely when taken in context with the question.

Op? Who is more right?
I don't want to be right in a "told you sense", just I think it will help the op to admit it to herself, if there is some truth in it and she wants her relationship to flourish.

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 18:08

Meh, whatever, I'm just off to take some more glue Grin

Headofthehive55 · 30/01/2017 18:27

Very reasonable for you to want a holiday together. Somewhere where you both are ok with. You've tried it. It's ok not to like it! Not ok to take children, leaving you without sufficient monies to have a holiday with your children.

Why on earth would any Loving H want a holiday where his wife is not there? Surely part of any holiday is being together.

If you were going out for a meal, and he insisted on a curry even though you hated curry, and would rather go out for a meal on his own than with you to somewhere different , I think most people would find that odd. You wouldn't expect him to come back home to find you in the mood.

And withholding sex? It's not his by right. She is not taking away, just not giving. Very different. Withholding is when you think it's rightfully yours to have.

BillSykesDog · 30/01/2017 18:34

Why on earth would any Loving H want a holiday where his wife is not there? Surely part of any holiday is being together.

Because last time they went on the kind of holiday he prefers she behaved appallingly and spoilt the holiday for everyone else maybe?

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/01/2017 18:44

Mistletoetastic

Is vegetarian food really scarce in Spain?

YES

BarbaraofSeville · 30/01/2017 18:56

Ham often isn't considered to be meat so it will be used as a garnish and appear randomly without being mentioned on a menu.

It doesn't help that the OP doesn't like eggs.

Roomster101 · 30/01/2017 19:19

But as usual the normal MN brigade who believe that anybody in possession of a vagina is 100% perfect and can do no wrong and that you always have to tell a poster they're right because it's 'nice' have piled in.

But equally, there is a "brigade" on here that thinks that anyone in possession of a vagina is always 100% in the wrong. In situations where it is quite clear that the man's actions are wrong rather than the woman's, as in this case, they will try to "read between the lines" and invent scenarios that put the woman in the wrong.