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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomortable with this - Mil having bath with DD 4

254 replies

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 12:55

I cant think why any grown woman would want to get into the bath with a 4 year old

It doesn't matter that its MIl - if my own DM had done this I would be asking her - why.

I think there is a difference between being in the bath and DC coming along wondering what your doing etc. But as a granny if I needed to wash with young dc there its more likely I would forgo my wash until later or have a quick shower.

Maybe I am mad maybe its very common? They feed DC off their own forks in spite of being OTT about dirt and cleanliness - its like a religion for mil - but very happy to feed dc off fork shortly after illness..very smooshy with them kissing on lips - FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing .

FOR THE RECORD if I felt anything else was going on of course I would stop them going but my family are just not this physical...DF would give bear hug at greeting and thats it. I really struggle with it - but keep telling myself its OK they are loving GP - but having a bath with DD?

why> why on earth would you want or need to do that?

OP posts:

jollygoose · 25/01/2017 15:38

I am a granny of 4 and 6 yr old boys and I would be very uncomfortable if this was suggested to me that just sounds ughh no!

Pengggwn · 25/01/2017 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wibblywobblywoo · 25/01/2017 15:51

Honestly OP, your DC, your rules full stop but to reassure you the bath thing would freak me out too. All of it actually if it's not how you want it to be, including, even especially maybe, the not being listened too.

Google 'being assertive' and get some tips and practice what and how you will say something - it might sound daft but it's no different to running through an important speech and getting the wording just right.

Try phrases like "I feel strongly" ...that this isn't something I want DD to experience again "I understand" ....that you see no problem with it "Nevertheless".... I don't want it happening anymore.

And try not to apologise after saying it, it's very instinctive to do so but try not to - if DMIL says "Oh but...blah, blah.." you could say "we're different people MIL, you're you and I'm me and this is how I feel so this is how it is for my DD cos I'm Mum" You don't need to justify your feelings and DMIL's had her chance at being Mum, now it's your turn and your choice.

NearlyDue112 · 25/01/2017 15:56

You have the right (and an obligation as a parent) to put in place healthy boundaries for your children. It teaches children how to do this for themselves and prepares them for being an adult. Different people have different boundaries so it doesn't really matter what other people on here think. If you are uncomfortable then put that boundary in place for your child. If you are too scared to put boundaries in place you teach your child that others can do what they want even if it upsets you/ makes you uncomfortable which is not a healthy message.

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 15:59

CrazyCavalierLady

I am talking about drawing lines and in regard to 'parents'. Also we are talking about a 4 year old. We are also talking about grandparents...over which the state has no control... unless criminals...which I dont imagine the grandparents in this case are.

PotatoWaffleCob · 25/01/2017 16:00

I get in the bath with my 3yo every night OP, is that weird??

Original poster

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 16:01

Wibbly without going off topic I though we had repeatedly put foot down over nappies and potty training. Dht told her to leave dd on nappies, I also mentioned it, said when she gets home dd is crying wanting nappy back on. She just said, in a tone that implied I was lying.... Oh how strange she is very happy to wear her pants here. I said again, well she isn't and she is getting upset! The very next time, dh said just a reminder no pants please.... Older dd said the second we left.... Pants. Even older dd tried to argue with her and she said.... No its time sheet was in pants now she is too old for nappies. Anyway, an example of the sheer belligerence. I find her almost impossible too deal with with. But that's the way it is and as previous pp said at least they take an interest etc....

OP posts:

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 16:03

Boundaries for grandparents who are minding your children seems a little odd to me. Tell grandma to wear a bathing suit if its such a problem. Tell grandpa you are afraid he is getting too excited about his gd playing around on top, outside, for all to see.. See how that works out for you.

My mother used to say " Evil thinks as evil does"

Original poster

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 16:04

Nealry I agree but on these particular issues my dds have absolutely no idea how I feel. Er no potato, is it weird dd sometime jumps in Bath with dh

OP posts:

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 25/01/2017 16:05

I'd hate the bath here. I bathed my nieces but I wouldn't jump in with them. And if I'm helping them wash their hair when we've all been swimming I keep my costume on.

Original poster

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 16:06

Need you sound quite aggressive over this. Maybe your not reading my posts but I have said I am not going to say anything.

OP posts:

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 16:06

It is too old for a 4 yr old to still be in nappies unless there is a medical reason why she is... Surely she will be in school soon. I think grandmother is trying to help ...as grandmothers do.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 25/01/2017 16:08

Really, whose grandparents got in the bath with them when they were 4 (so just starting school age)?

My mum looks after my children, cuddles them, super affectionate, but she wouldn't need it spelling out that she wouldn't have a bath with my four year old, because it's just obvious.

I think those saying 'there's nothing in it'- I'm surprised by this as I never heard of grandparents and children all getting in the bath together, not at that age anyway. It's not the same as children running round the lawn with nothing on with water at all. For a start, the grandparents have no clothes on, plus the bath is a very small place to start squishing in at that age.

Not for me, and I wouldn't hesitate to tell them, but I can't imagine any of my children's grandparents thinking this was a good idea.

Megatherium · 25/01/2017 16:11

Mega I am not teaching them anything I have not said anything. Yes we do games like that, it's prolonged lying with them. I have not said I think they are sexual pervert so please don't go down that route.

I haven't for one moment suggested you think they are sexual perverts for playing games where they may be lying on the ground fully clothed with a fully clothed grandchild on top of them - indeed it didn't occur to me. But it's interesting that that is how you interpreted it.

user1484578224 · 25/01/2017 16:13

dreadful lack of appropriate boundaries. All wrong.

namechangedtoday15 · 25/01/2017 16:14

Similarly, I'm gobsmacked by the amount of people saying its odd. Perfectly normal family here, no issues with nudity (and wouldn't want there to be), boundaries set about what's appropriate and what'd not appropriate. Having a bath with grandma is not something I would think of as inappropriate whilst they're young children. In fact I'd say its bloody ridiculous and no wonder children grow up with body hang ups.

But my mum will have a bath with my 7 year old, as I would, my DD loves me getting in the bath and washing her hair for her.

RiversrunWoodville · 25/01/2017 16:17

I have to say it all depends on the family. YANBU because it makes you uncomfortable and your family aren't like this. Equally I wouldn't find it odd and have a niece and nephew (2 &3) who if I was babysitting overnight and was having a bath and either of my dds jumped in I'd be quite happy to chuck them in, I know dsis has had dd1 in shower with her before (while I was pregnant with dd2) so for us it's not a problem we are comfortable with it.

ragdoll700 · 25/01/2017 16:21

I shower with my kids at least once a week its over the bath so Ill put the plug in so they can play they are 3 and 5 so we all get a wash and I know where they are they love it.

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 16:27

Thank God there isnt a hot tub where all can jump in... I can see a few seizures happening due to not liking that either. We have a hot tub and friends come over and get in... my daughter has a pool and we we all get in there too. Is it because a bath tub is small...is that the issue...or is just grandma?

BipBippadotta · 25/01/2017 16:28

Your MIL sounds like a really difficult bulldozer of a person, OP I think it's weird you're getting such a hard time on here.

I also find the whole 'at least they take an interest' thing really sinister. 'Taking an interest' in your friends & relatives doesn't necessarily mean you're a wonderful person, with perfect judgement. Bullies and busybodies are notable for the excessive interest they take in others.

Natsku · 25/01/2017 16:29

YANBU to feel uncomfortable with the bathing thing, its a very personal matter but I do think you're being a bit over the top about the playing stuff.

We don't really have baths in Finland but I'd be fine with OH's parents showering or going to sauna with DD. DD sleeps over at his dad's every other weekend usually and has a shower there but usually with OH's little sister who is a couple of years older but I'd be happy for FIL to take the girls to the swimming pool for instance and have to shower with them there. But that's my personal level of comfort and I completely understand another parent not feeling that level of comfort.

dotdotdotmustdash · 25/01/2017 16:29

Does your DH have the same thoughts as you? Maybe all this was normal family behaviour when he was growing up? It sounds like your ILs are just parenting your child as they parented their own. If your DH is a balanced, mentally healthy person then surely they didn't do such a bad job using their methods. I don't remember bathing with my GPs but I certainly remember climbing into their bed in the night and sleeping in between them. I also remember being naked in front of the fire as we got dried out and changed after a bath. We felt very at home in their house. My Grandad had been a father to two girls of his own and parented us in the same way - there was never any suggestion of anything unnatural, it all felt loving and caring.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 25/01/2017 16:37

no way are ybu

your instincts are there for a reason

they sound awful tbh

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 16:41

dotdotdotmustdash

I agree... we used have the same loving environment at my grandparents home. I think when you start making children feel uncomfortable with close family like grandparents then it can become detrimental. Sounds like OP husband turned out well enough to make a good husband and father...so his parents must have done a tremendous job. When the little ones in our family are in daughters pool, the grandparents, uncles, aunts etc all take the little ones around the pool, skin to skin.... :-O...

booklooker · 25/01/2017 16:50

YANBU. I dont want my kids to see amd sit with my inlaws' naked genitals.

Would you feel the same way about your kids sitting with your own parents?

If yes, why did you make it specific to your in-laws?

If no, what is it about your own parents that makes it different?

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