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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomortable with this - Mil having bath with DD 4

254 replies

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 12:55

I cant think why any grown woman would want to get into the bath with a 4 year old Confused

It doesn't matter that its MIl - if my own DM had done this I would be asking her - why.

I think there is a difference between being in the bath and DC coming along wondering what your doing etc. But as a granny if I needed to wash with young dc there its more likely I would forgo my wash until later or have a quick shower.

Maybe I am mad maybe its very common? They feed DC off their own forks in spite of being OTT about dirt and cleanliness - its like a religion for mil - but very happy to feed dc off fork shortly after illness..very smooshy with them kissing on lips - FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing .

FOR THE RECORD if I felt anything else was going on of course I would stop them going but my family are just not this physical...DF would give bear hug at greeting and thats it. I really struggle with it - but keep telling myself its OK they are loving GP - but having a bath with DD?

why> why on earth would you want or need to do that?

OP posts:
CornChips · 25/01/2017 13:21

What zzzz says.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2017 13:23

Well if you don't like it and they won't listen then you'll have to stop them having your dd by themselves and intervene if it happens when you are there. You have the right to insist - she's your daughter at the end of the day. You can also (if you haven't already) start teaching her about bodily autonomy so she's more confident in stopping any games etc that she's not comfortable with.

Afreshstartplease · 25/01/2017 13:23

I would not like the bathing. It's weird. Sorry but it is. To those of you saying it's not would you respond differently if it was the grandfather in the bath with the 4 year old girl?

KayTee87 · 25/01/2017 13:24

Secondly she doesn't take the blindest notice of anything we say - we know she disregards everything we have asked her in the past.
Its a really frustrating situation to be in 

Well you need to stop them caring for your children if they don't listen to you or dh.

Valeriemalorie · 25/01/2017 13:24

I would feel very uncomfortable about this. It is very strange. Can you just avoid giving them baths when they are around, or just given them quick showers.

QueenofallIsee · 25/01/2017 13:24

I wouldn't like the bath thing at all and I would put a stop to it. Its hard to comment on the physical play without seeing it as we all have differing views on boundaries. If you are unhappy, I would reinforce your childs bodily autonomy and tell them its OK not to want to play like that and monitor that their wishes are being respected at the very least

Brankolium · 25/01/2017 13:25

Well there's nothing awful or sinister about it, but having said that I also can't imagine getting in the bath with someone else's child without checking they were ok with it first. It's certainly quite... intimate. Definitely an 'up to both parents and child' type thing, not an assumed ok type thing.

I would be drumming into your DD that any physical contact, bath, kisses, hugs etc is ENTIRELY up to her. MIL likes sharing baths, but she only ever has to get in if she really wants to, MIL will never mind (and even if she did, who cares) etc etc.

seven201 · 25/01/2017 13:27

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the bath thing, no matter who it was. I think you're being OTT about the lying on top etc.

bettybookam · 25/01/2017 13:28

Personally if that was my baby's I would be furious.. I don't even want MIL to kiss him in the lips but that's just me x

IceLemonGin · 25/01/2017 13:29

I'd be very uncomfortable with the shared bath, whether it was DM or MIL...and my DD is only 18 months. I feel as though it is fine between a child and a parent but can't quite articulate why a bath with a GP feels wrong to me.

Lottapianos · 25/01/2017 13:29

'Secondly she doesn't take the blindest notice of anything we say '

I'm sure this is contributing massively to your discomfort with the whole situation. Its to do with boundaries and not having them respected. The feeding off forks and finova's examples about sharing an ice cream are just gross - no need at all. I wouldn't dream of doing that with my partner, someone I share actual bodily fluids with regularly!

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2017 13:30
CheeseFlavouredDiscs · 25/01/2017 13:30

Sorry but I thing YABU. I get that everyone is way more cautious with kids these days as they don't want interactions to be miscontrued, but this is such normal behaviour. Young kids love bathing with adults, be it a shower or bath, as to them it is just an opportunity to be with their favourite grown ups during an activity that doesn't normally include them! In particular they seem to love going in the deep bath with a grown up.

My DC has been in bath or shower with pretty much all the grandparents and both me and DH. He also loves giving kisses and cuddles to everyone and can get very carried away sometimes, to the point where we have to pull him off us and say 'that's enough now'. At such a young age they are completely innocent and just want to be close to and affectionate to their family. And grandparents are typically favourite members of the family!

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 25/01/2017 13:31

I still sometimes share a bath with my own 4yo - he loves it. I don't think my mum has shared one with him, but I wouldn't mind (and again, I think he'd probably love that too). Agree with a pp that this is a good opportunity to reiterate your child's right to refuse any sort of nakedness or touching that she doesn't want.

Genuinely perplexed by why the fork thing would be an issue though. I still occasionally share cutlery or water bottles etc with my mother and sister! I guess we're all over-familiar and grubby and grim. Grin

PeridotPassion · 25/01/2017 13:32

I see nothing wrong with a parent bathing with a 4 year old.

But I would have a problem with another family member, including my DM or MIL doing it.

Not because of any 'dodgy' suspicions. But to me, it seems like a very...close...thing to do with a child. It gives me the same kind of feeling as I had when MIL babysat ds1 for an hour when he was about 6 weeks old and I came home to find her reclining back in a chair with her top off (bra on) and ds1 in his nappy laying on her chest...she said she wanted to have skin to skin contact with him and it had settled him. I found it hard to verbalise why I was so bloody upset with that, and still do...but it's like an invasion of my children's privacy type feeling, and the sharing of a moment/activity which should be private/special/limited with who it takes place with iyswim.

Anyway, clumsy as hell description of my thoughts but no, i'd not be happy with it.

MTB1003 · 25/01/2017 13:32

Yanbu, if you don't like it then that's all there is to it. No your dd doesn't need to be that close to your mil. She shouldn't be around other people's private areas freely.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/01/2017 13:34

I am baffled that anyone would tell you yabu Shock

I'm totally with you OP... it would make me really uncomfortable.

BipBippadotta · 25/01/2017 13:35

I'm with you, OP. When I was a child, smooshy mouth-kisses from grandparents used to make me want to vom. Bathing with grandparents - bleurgh! Can't imagine. Rolling around on the floor and making mmmming kissy noises seems icky to me as well. I had grandparents who were lovely, well-meaning, super affectionate people - nothing sinister about them - but they got up in my personal space all the time and I just couldn't stand it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel about it. Boundaries are different for everyone.

Let us know if/how you end up intervening.

LetsSplashMummy · 25/01/2017 13:35

I think that it is likely your attitude to physical contact will pass on to your DD and you will have to find a way to make sure she is able to express when she is uncomfortable. I think quizzing her about the bath, unless she brings it up, would be wrong as you will be turning it into a "thing" and asking in a biased way. My DD is 5 and would love to get in the bath with me still (she is too massive and too wriggly)!

The playing and climbing on each other is the most normal thing in the world, would you really feel odd about your DD sitting on you in that way?

Things like the fork are just not worth the energy, so they do some very minor things a little bit differently. So what if it isn't exactly how you would behave every single second? I think it is probably healthy for you to see that people do things differently and are fine, it will put you on the path to being a non-nightmare MIL yourself when the time comes!

Jaxhog · 25/01/2017 13:36

Hmm. I would also feel the bathing thing was a bit weird too, along with licking forks and lip kissing. Don't tell her you don't trust her, but that your own upbringing means you are uncomfortable about some things. And she wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable, would she?

If you do mention it, it would be disrespectful of your MiL not to try to comply. Your DH should support you on this.

FannyWisdom · 25/01/2017 13:36

YABU
4 year olds play in the bath so will enjoy being in with Gran.
I used to chuck niece and nephew in with me when they were small.
Kills two birds.

Be wary of sexualising everything it's the road to madness.

maras2 · 25/01/2017 13:37

No way on God's Earth would I traumatise my DGC's by them seeing me in the nip.
I even have pyjamas to hand when the stay overnight.< have slept naked all my life till they came along, DH too >

HerRoyalFattyness · 25/01/2017 13:37

Yanbu about the bath. That's something parents do with kids. Not grandparents.

Everything else I'd be fine with though.

Gymnopedies · 25/01/2017 13:38

NellWilsonsWhiteHair it can spread bacteria, particularly bacterias that cause tooth decay if the person sharing has caries and doesn't know.
I would be uncomfortable too OP.

CocoLoco87 · 25/01/2017 13:39

I dont want my kids to see amd sit with my inlaws' naked genitals.

this!

If you want to bath with your own DC then no problem, but it's odd IMO for GPs to do this. The other stuff you say doesn't sound so bad, they just seem like a VERY tactile family.

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