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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomortable with this - Mil having bath with DD 4

254 replies

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 12:55

I cant think why any grown woman would want to get into the bath with a 4 year old Confused

It doesn't matter that its MIl - if my own DM had done this I would be asking her - why.

I think there is a difference between being in the bath and DC coming along wondering what your doing etc. But as a granny if I needed to wash with young dc there its more likely I would forgo my wash until later or have a quick shower.

Maybe I am mad maybe its very common? They feed DC off their own forks in spite of being OTT about dirt and cleanliness - its like a religion for mil - but very happy to feed dc off fork shortly after illness..very smooshy with them kissing on lips - FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing .

FOR THE RECORD if I felt anything else was going on of course I would stop them going but my family are just not this physical...DF would give bear hug at greeting and thats it. I really struggle with it - but keep telling myself its OK they are loving GP - but having a bath with DD?

why> why on earth would you want or need to do that?

OP posts:
Servicesupportforall · 26/01/2017 14:03

No as a gran I Bath my grandchildren but don't strip off and get in with them! Why would you?

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:05

Pendrive the very idea of a child insisting an adult get naked and in the bath with them (aside from a parent) is utterly bizarre to me.

Any person caring for a child who really felt that child could not enjoy a bath without a naked adult in it should seriously be asking some questions about why that was the case.

Adult job is not to give in to child's wishes, adult job to love, to care and to set loving boundaries. Parenting 101 in my book!

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:16

Natsku you said it is not ok for someone to touch you in the shower. How do you think gran the four year old are sitting in a bath tub and not touching?

Can children in your country bath alone? Can adults? You are describing cultural norms not personal boundaries. All very fine but not the same thing. It is not a cultural norm in the UK for people to bath with their grand kids.

Aeroflotgirl I am sorry you lost loving family members, as have I, both parents and all grand parents. But what you describe is not what the OP has said. You mentioned 'lap' not her. No one has said call social services, the OP is uncomfortable and the grandparents do as they like. Not the same as your situation at all.

Natsku · 26/01/2017 14:32

There is a lack of space in a bathtub that makes not touching at all rather impossible, but there is a vast difference between inappropriate touching and appropriate touching, as I'm sure you know Italian

And no, young children don't bathe alone here, its not safe (very hot stove, sometimes with fire). Adults can of course bathe alone (most showers alone) but [sauna] its a social thing so unless they are a single person they are more likely to bathe with family. Its not just cultural norms but also personal boundaries, there is just the difference that non-sexual nudity is ok, the other boundaries are the same as with Brits.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:42

Natsku I know what is inappropriate touching and I know what is accidental touching, if you choose to get into a bathtub naked with another person your touching is not accidental.

Whether it is appropriate is based largely on whether it is appropriate for you to be in there. I would personally feel that a granny being in the bath with their grandchild is not appropriate but out of a sense of common usage I would not call the touching 'inappropriate touching' but I would still feel it is not appropriate. If you can work out what I mean, fine, if not, fine.

You are describing a very specific cultural situation which is not the same in the UK. We don't have those kinds of bathrooms that you describe so you are talking about culture. Your personal boundaries are what you decide. If everyone is naked in a certain situation in your culture then these are also cultural boundaries and not personal since you are not choosing whether you do them or not.

My eating my pizza with a knife and fork (as a child) was cultural, my going skinny dipping at night in the dark as an adult was a personal boundary.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:47

Natsku is the country Sweden? My friend lives there, in their house they have a sauna and also a regular bathroom with a regular bath tub but one of them is English so this may be the case. Smile

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:47

One of the couple not one of the bathrooms!

Natsku · 26/01/2017 14:50

The question you asked originally was how can a child learn personal boundaries if they are not bathing alone, I answered that. They are personal boundaries, people can choose not to go to sauna with others but generally people draw the line at a different point than the average Brit though (lots of families in Britain follow the same custom though as well - there are saunas there, and not everyone in Britain has the same boundaries regarding nudity or bathing as the ones that you have)

Natsku · 26/01/2017 14:51

imagining an English bathroom Grin

No its Finland, baths are quite common in Sweden and sauna is not so common. Baths never really took off in Finland.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 14:56

"The question you asked originally was how can a child learn personal boundaries if they are not bathing alone, I answered that." Yes, you did, sorry, I was not ignoring your point but again bathing in your culture and mine are very different.

"Baths never really took off in Finland." You are missing a trick, baths are amazing, but others will say sitting in your own 'sludge' is not nice!

Thanks for explaining! Wink

cholla · 26/01/2017 15:09

YANBU. I would be upset if my MIL was in the bath with dc. Tell her not to do it again, explain you don't want her to be in the bath with her. You don't need to give reasons, you're the Mam, what you says goes!

Natsku · 26/01/2017 15:14

I'm British Italian :) moved to Finland 10 years ago, but had 20 years of baths before that Grin Miss them sometimes but when I do get a chance the whole 'soaking in my own sludge' gets in my brain again and I need a shower afterwards to get clean.

One very traditional bathing thing in Finland (which I think you can only get at maybe a handful of public saunas now) is having the 'bath woman' scrub and wash you!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2017 15:41

Thanks Italian , it was the lap thing that got me, as a child sitting on a parents and grandpRents lap is normal, providing they want to. The granny in tge bath is a bit strange.

MumtoBelle · 26/01/2017 15:45

Do you think MIL is a paedophile?

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2017 15:51

Natsku your post made me laugh out loud. Yes, sometimes I feel like that too! Shower after hot soupy bath!

MumtoBelle I know I cannot answer for the OP but I am guessing if she really thought her MIL was a paedophile she would be cutting all contact not posting on Mumsnet! Do you think a person potentially being a paedophile is the only why someone would not want that person in the bath with their child?

user1484578224 · 28/01/2017 22:29

any 4 year old with half a brain is going to be exploring grannies boobs and fanny FFS this is weird

PussInCoutts · 28/01/2017 22:44

YABU and massively weird, but then I have close Scandi friends and you know they do the sauna thing there, everyone gets naked together. I've tried it a few times and it soon becomes second nature. Adults, kids, men, women, all in one sauna.

Ahh the English, such Victorian prudes...

SeahorsesSwim · 29/01/2017 07:16

Yanbu. I think it's very odd. I don't see anything wrong with being 'prudish' and slating British culture is racist - you wouldn't slate other cultures would you?

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2017 08:20

Exactly Seahorse, you woukdent, but it ok to slate British culture! If you went to Middle Eastern countries, yiu certainly would not find mixed naked Saunas, are they prude! For me, it's yuck!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2017 08:21

It's one thing to feel comfortable being naked at home, around immediate family, another to be baked around strangers!

MissStein · 29/01/2017 14:18

i might have missed it, but are OP's dc uncomfortable with it, or is it just op? Personally i dont see anything wrong with it, but if dc werent happy id say something, However if dc are happy with set up i wouldnt.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2017 14:38

MissStein I think it is too much pressure on kids to expect them tovleas on what is appropriate for them! Give them clear boundaries as children and they can choose as adults to get into the bath with whomever they choose.

Victorian 'prudish' morals were actually massive double standards where some women sat around covered in dresses and lace and some men said how good modesty was while secretly visiting brothels and dance halls. None of which has anything to do with being unnecessary naked as children in close proximity to adults.

Italiangreyhound · 29/01/2017 14:39

To decide

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 14:47

Nrft but will say second me or dh get in bath 3 and 4 year old are half undressed and have to be physically fought off until we've had at least chance to get washed. They finally dive in and spend next half hour I'm horrible semi warm water washing our hair/ trying to drowned us and making us mermaids/ pirates. It's hugely annoying and great fun so no I don't find it weird!

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 14:49

Also used my 4 yo does not"explore my fanny or boobs"Hmmshe knows what they are and stopped being interested at about two!