Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomortable with this - Mil having bath with DD 4

254 replies

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 12:55

I cant think why any grown woman would want to get into the bath with a 4 year old Confused

It doesn't matter that its MIl - if my own DM had done this I would be asking her - why.

I think there is a difference between being in the bath and DC coming along wondering what your doing etc. But as a granny if I needed to wash with young dc there its more likely I would forgo my wash until later or have a quick shower.

Maybe I am mad maybe its very common? They feed DC off their own forks in spite of being OTT about dirt and cleanliness - its like a religion for mil - but very happy to feed dc off fork shortly after illness..very smooshy with them kissing on lips - FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing .

FOR THE RECORD if I felt anything else was going on of course I would stop them going but my family are just not this physical...DF would give bear hug at greeting and thats it. I really struggle with it - but keep telling myself its OK they are loving GP - but having a bath with DD?

why> why on earth would you want or need to do that?

OP posts:
lelapaletute · 25/01/2017 14:34

I would not have an issue with anything you describe here, BUT... they are YOUR children. You decide what's ok (in conjunction with your DH of course) and anyone who doesn't comply with your boundaries doesn't get to have unsupervised access to your children. End of. If your MIL is in the habit of defying your boundaries with your children, that is the real issue here, not the very subjective question of who it's weird to bath with/roll about with/share cutlery with. What you can't do is be worried about the fact you know she doesn't observe your boundaries, but continue using her for childcare because it is convenient to you. If you genuinely think it is a problem, then you wouldn't be doing right by your child to let it carry on.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 25/01/2017 14:35

My mil takes my DC swimming, and showers with them afterwards. I didn't realise I was supposed to have a problem with this.

Benedikte2 · 25/01/2017 14:36

Sharing eating implements can lead to the spread of heliocabater bacteria that are responsible for stomach ulcers etc. The cure for this is a gruelling triple therapy. The Chinese doctor who was involved in my treatment stated that he did not allow the traditional SE Asian habit of sharing dishes, serving morsels to others with your own chop sticks etc as this led to the spread of the infection. Apparently the infection rates are higher in SE Asian communities.

alltouchedout · 25/01/2017 14:39

Wouldn't bother me at all, wouldn't seem strange to me.

dollydaydream114 · 25/01/2017 14:40

The bath thing wouldn't honestly bother me when they were as young as that - but I can understand why you're not keen; I do completely see why a lot of people wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing

This is absolutely 100% normal, not weird, not creepy. I feel a bit sorry for your FIL if you think it's inappropriate for him to do this. If your child wasn't comfortable with it, that would be different, but it certainly sounds like she is so it's fine.

Would you say you're maybe not a very tactile person yourself? I'm just wondering if there's a little bit of projection going on and it makes you uncomfortable seeing your daughter that close with your FIL because you wouldn't be that tactile yourself? (Not a criticism of you at all, by the way.

Original poster
BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 14:42

Very interesting points, very true about boundaries as well. It adds to general frustration of the situation. I don't use her for child care, they pretty much beg to see them all the time and have her roughly once two, three weeks which yes is great but I can stop but don't want too but when this happened I was ill so she did me favour. I am not going to say anything will just try and deal with it. The poster who said thier Pils we're addicts, I have friend in similar situation. It does put things into perspective. One reason why I wrestle with myself over this. As for own df he does rough and tumble or did, can't now... Disabled but no wouldn't do lying on floor thing

OP posts:
Bluemoon49 · 25/01/2017 14:43

Personally I would be most uncomfortable about the sharing forks and the kissing on the lips - those would be the things I would just have to object to, however awkward it may be. The bathing I would find a little weird and would probably prefer it didn't happen but I suppose the calm and sensible view is that it's probably harmless at this stage given that your DD is only 4 and they are both female.

As for the lying on top of each other (and it actually being a thing that his family do) I would find that strange as well but it's a bit more difficult to explain why.

I can't think of a way you can raise it without sounding prudish/over sensitive/weird etc and causing awkwardness and possibly offending them but if it's really bothering you it may be worth it? She is your DD after all and the most frustrating thing is not having any control over what they do with her, especially things that you wouldn't do yourself i.e kissing on lips, sharing forks. That would be the thing that would really make me uncomfortable.

WatchfulOwl · 25/01/2017 14:45

I wouldn't like it either!

I think that sometimes GPs can be overly intimate with their GC as a way of marking their territory. MIL used to do it all the time when DD was a baby, just little things and you'd be left thinking why?

Once she was giving DD someone of her apple by biting a bit off, then fishing it out of her mouth and giving it to DD. Another time she spent the whole time we were at her house telling us her ill she'd been, but was then getting to DD drink from her water bottle. 'Oh I'm fine now' Hmm SIL used to repeatedly kiss my newborns on the lips, that one really got my hackles up!

Shock at the MIL with her top off doing skin to skin!

But yeah the bath thing is weird. ILs are a mine field, it's so hard when they're so different to you.

Capricorn76 · 25/01/2017 14:45

The lying on stomach thing wouldn't really bother me, the kissing and eating off fork would bother me, the bath thing would freak me out. There's no need for it I would hate it and whilst I wouldn't say anything directly it would be clear I didn't like it. I'd ensure there were no future opportunities for her to bath with them.

An early memory of mine is my great aunt trying to kiss me or lift up my top to blow raspberries on my belly button. As I grew older I'd avoid, get upset and try to wriggle away. It's gross.

namechangedtoday15 · 25/01/2017 14:51

Haven't read the whole thread but this is your issue rather than your DC's or your MIL's. Your 4 yr old is in a loving happy relationship with her grandparents, and I'd be wary of giving off any signals at all that imply its odd. If you can't explain why you think its odd to a bunch of internet people, how will you explain its odd to a 4 yr old? Hmm

Your DC is lucky - really lucky that she has grandparents that are still young enough / young at heart enough to play and have fun.

FannyWisdom · 25/01/2017 14:53

Glad you are hearing all points Born (this is how AIBU should be!)

For those saying it would be weird...

Before I had DC I worked opposite shifts to dsil (dbro worked away)
If dsil was working in the evening I would put dniece in Bath and then dnephew let them play then wash them and then strip off, jump in shower (over bath) to play and rinse us all.

When my DS came there was another dnephew so the bath was full.

Am I just fortunate that my dsil is Dutch and not phased by the nudity?

knackeredinyorkshire · 25/01/2017 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pranma · 25/01/2017 15:01

I am a devoted Grandma and do lots of childcare. I wouldn't dream of getting in the bath with dgc or being naked with them around. It would be cramped and I bet they pee in the water!Their parents may but not me.
The rolling around and lying on top I might have done when I was younger, my rolling around days are long gone but I don't see any harm in it.

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 15:06

Presumably children are ok swimming in a public pool or the ocean - so why the uncomfortability with the childs own grandmother? Surely the child is safe and loved when with grandmother. The child is only 4. I have heard that many grown adults will cram into a hot tub...is this uncomfortable for some too? As for the grandad playing and larking around with the child...how adorable and how special that the child is loved so much. Society/government has done a great job of putting unnecessary fear into minds of people, when it comes to it encroaching on loving grandparents and the family as a whole its despicable. How wonderful OP that your child is loved so much.

Original poster
BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 15:07

I read somewhere once how it's good for development to have safe flirting as it were between children and adults in family. Helps dc to test and understand their own boundaries. But at same time also feel the adult should pull back when it gets too much and respect child boundaries.

OP posts:
NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 15:08

Maybe ask grandma to wear her knickers or a bikini in the bath if its the prudishness thats an issue...just a suggestion.

Pengggwn · 25/01/2017 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPeelyWally · 25/01/2017 15:12

I read somewhere once how it's good for development to have safe flirting as it were between children and adults in family. Helps dc to test and understand their own boundaries. But at same time also feel the adult should pull back when it gets too much and respect child boundaries

Safe flirting?

Do you think flirting is going on?

Or were you just referring to something you read?

Hopefully it's the latter.

ClaryIsTheBest · 25/01/2017 15:16

I don't think it's creepy/sinister.

But your the mother. If this isn't ok at home then it isn't ok with the grandparents, right?

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 15:17

I feel so sorry for children these days. Children should be allowed to be children and not the products of such a pent up and fearful society. When I was a child, children would have a bowl of water in the garden and run around naked. Our uncles and and grandparents chasing us with a hose to spray us. Now they cant rough and tumble with grandpa or take a bath with granny, without it being considered inappropriate. Heaven help us.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/01/2017 15:20

I can understand your discomfort, with some aspects of your DCs relationship with their GPs. Bathing with Granny, would not have happened with my children, but then Grandma would never have considered it. I don't think it's all about nudity, as it is intimacy, a step too far maybe. Taking a bath with Mummy or Daddy is different.
All I can say is, only you know BornFree, go with your gut. If you really feel so uncomfortable, that you need to ask us, then nip this in the bud, now.

NeedaFanjob · 25/01/2017 15:30

Taking a bath with Mummy or Daddy is different.

How so?

Some grandparents raise their grandchildren. Some children have foster parents and adoptive parents. I just don't see how a line is drawn when it's grandparents. I can understand it being too familiar with a neighbour/ friend. We used to put cousins in the bath together years ago too. When my sister was over we would bathe our kids together.

CrazyCavalierLady · 25/01/2017 15:31

"The lying on stomach thing wouldn't really bother me, the kissing and eating off fork would bother me, the bath thing would freak me out. There's no need for it I would hate it and whilst I wouldn't say anything directly it would be clear I didn't like it. I'd ensure there were no future opportunities for her to bath with them. "

this

My DM provided childcare for both my girls pre-school. At no time did she ever bathe with them. We even lived with my parents whilst building and there was no intergenerational bathing. This is simply way out of my comfort zone and I'd be making it clear to my MIL that it wasn't to happen again.

Your children, your rules.

CrazyCavalierLady · 25/01/2017 15:34

" Some children have foster parents and adoptive parents. "

I'm not sure if the rules differ in the UK but I can assure you there is NO WAY in hell an Australian foster parent would EVER be allowed to bathe with a foster child. Ever!

bettybookam · 25/01/2017 15:37

I can't believe when people say 'when they were young' then again how much abuse etc used to happen them days.. Loads! I feel sorry for children then.. It's not even about that.
At the end of the day it's your children and your choice.. I don't agree at all.. I seriously would not have it I would be so angry at that..
You have to tell her really otherwise you won't want your children going there in the end xx

Swipe left for the next trending thread