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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomortable with this - Mil having bath with DD 4

254 replies

BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 12:55

I cant think why any grown woman would want to get into the bath with a 4 year old Confused

It doesn't matter that its MIl - if my own DM had done this I would be asking her - why.

I think there is a difference between being in the bath and DC coming along wondering what your doing etc. But as a granny if I needed to wash with young dc there its more likely I would forgo my wash until later or have a quick shower.

Maybe I am mad maybe its very common? They feed DC off their own forks in spite of being OTT about dirt and cleanliness - its like a religion for mil - but very happy to feed dc off fork shortly after illness..very smooshy with them kissing on lips - FIl is very very physical with them - lying down on grass in summer with DD on top of him after playing .

FOR THE RECORD if I felt anything else was going on of course I would stop them going but my family are just not this physical...DF would give bear hug at greeting and thats it. I really struggle with it - but keep telling myself its OK they are loving GP - but having a bath with DD?

why> why on earth would you want or need to do that?

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 25/01/2017 13:48

Definitely NOT unreasonable.

You need to say something OP. Not sure how (useful aren't I)

PinkTrotters · 25/01/2017 13:49

I would just say something and put a stop to it. I don't think its odd that people feel one way or the other about it. It's not up to anyone else how you want to parent your child OP what you say should go.

Dillite2 · 25/01/2017 13:49

You would hate us OP, and others. My 6 year old dd has a bath with my mum all the time and she absolutely loves it. It never even crossed my mind that it might be weird. But then when I was little I lived in a place where everyone would bathe communally once a week in the communal sauna. As in the entire little village would bathe at the same time and place.

skinoncustard · 25/01/2017 13:54

I have a young granddaughter ,I enjoy bathing her but would never dream of actually getting in the bath with her even if she asked me too. Swimming pool & paddling pool great fun and games, but not the bath.
I personally can't see any reason for an adult who isn't the parent to bathe with a child. Its easy to play with a young child in the bath without actually getting in.
If this was my child I would definately not allow it.
I feel that some grandparents have no boundaries . My DH and I and my granddaughters other grandparents have a very good relationship, but we both are under no illusion as to who her parents are and therefore do things the way they do.
We have had our turn at raising a family , now it's their turn. I would not have liked interference when I had a young family and I try to remember that with my DD and her husband .

DJBaggySmalls · 25/01/2017 13:56

People who come from relaxed homes or are ok with this just dont get how weird this seems to people who dont, or arent.
It doesnt make you look crazy and its wrong to say that. Your feelings are what they are. When your kids are uncomfortable with it, then you can make a stand.

Eevee77 · 25/01/2017 13:56

My inlaws do this. They also fling them around, have them lying on them etc. Their house is always full of laughter. My DS never wants to leave!
Based on your OP YABU.

piefacerecords · 25/01/2017 13:58

It's not a case of who else agrees with you. What would concern me is that this is your child but you don't seem to have any say in what happens when she is with your in-laws. That's not on - you are the parent and what you say, goes.

How you go about making that happen though is beyond me.

Pendrive · 25/01/2017 13:59

None of that would bother me.I
I think feeding from their forks is fine, and highly unlikely to cause any illnesses. I often feed my children from my fork, and sometimes eat from theirs if the need arises...
I bet the children love bathing with their grandma. My children love it when I'm in the bath with them (which isn't often these days but when youngest was tiny she hated bathing and was only happy when I was cuddling her in the bath, and the others would jump in too)
I'm not bothered by nudity, and thinks it nice to maintain the childhood innocence and freedom about nudity for as long as possible.
The rest wouldn't bother me either.
I know people have different attitudes to this. I wonder if you'd feel differently if it was your own parents? A PP said something about 'inlaws' like they were less important than maternal grandparents.
I'm not sure I'd risk your relationship with kind, loving, helpful grandparents over a difference in attitudes to nudity, how physical they are etc. (obviously if they were acting in a sexually inappropriate way that would be a different story, but don't think this is the case here). It will probably die down as children age.

raviolidreaming · 25/01/2017 13:59

With the bath, YANBU.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2017 14:02

^^Ultimately, yes, this. I'm clearly much less bothered by nudity and physical contact than you but no-one gets to ignore myself and dh when it comes to how our children are cared for. Stuff that makes one of us uncomfortable is not allowed.

Lunde · 25/01/2017 14:03

I think it depends - we used to have one of those big bath/bubble pool things that took 2-3 people and never thought twice about getting in with the kids

BoobleMcB · 25/01/2017 14:11

like BF and GF SERIOUSLY?? she's four!

Stop sexualising things op. You're taking away her innocence by projecting your insecurity. Unless she doesn't like playing like that then let her get on with it

Megatherium · 25/01/2017 14:12

but the lying down with them on top - wouldn't do it.

I can't understand this at all - it seems like standard play to me. Are you really saying you've never played a game where the children ride one of you like a horse, or pretend to try to squash you? DS used to have a lovely game when he'd fling himself on DH when DH was lying down and DH would pretend he'd been flattened. It's really quite sad if you're teaching them that this is strange and nasty.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/01/2017 14:16

The bath thing is weird and I wouldn't be impressed if my dm or mil did it. Why would you? The water is lower and colder and a standard bath just comfortably fits a normal sized adult so it cold, uncomfortable and unnecessary, just sit at the side and splash, play with bath toys or whatever, no need for nakedness at all

DearMrDilkington · 25/01/2017 14:17

It wouldn't bother me.

The grass thing sounds ridiculous. My dd lays on top of me sometimes, I'm not a pervert. Or is it ok because I'm a woman?

I think it sounds lovely how close they are with your dc. My in laws have no interest in dd at all, even if they did their addicts so wouldn't be in any fit state to have her anyway. I'd love your in-laws!

CaraAspen · 25/01/2017 14:17

It is weird.

You are quite right.

dailymaillazyjournos · 25/01/2017 14:19

I don't think it matters what we all think. It's how you feel that matters. You feel how you feel. There's no right or wrong way to be.

DearMrDilkington · 25/01/2017 14:19

Btw, I believe it does children a lot of good to see normal bodies that haven't been airbrushed. Even at an early age.

I bet your dd absolutely loved having her grandmother in the bath with her, she probably found it brilliant fun. If your dd doesn't like it then by all means stop it, if she's happy with it then I can't see an issue.

Bubspub · 25/01/2017 14:20

I think it's a very personal choice, whether or not it's acceptable to you. It sounds like your values and outlook are quite different to your dp's family. I think they need to respect your outlook, they shouldn't assume everyone is okay with shared baths and smooching and rolling round. Personally, I have a very spirited little chap who makes his wishes very clear, if there was ever something he didn't like, it would be very clear to all! That gives me reassurance that he wouldn't ever do anything he didn't want to!

xStefx · 25/01/2017 14:20

To be honest OP I wouldn't be happy if my DM or MIL did this either. Not sure why but I just wouldn't. However, I have a dd who is 5 and I have a bath with her (but im her mum). Maybe when I have my own GC I may feel its acceptable but I don't think GC's and GP's should share baths either.

Lottapianos · 25/01/2017 14:20

'like BF and GF SERIOUSLY?? she's four!'

That's the whole point! There was obviously something about the scenario that made her uncomfortable watching it

Original poster
BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 14:22

Some interesting replies thanks. Let's splash mummy, dh is often to be found in Bath on Saturday am and dd younger will want to get in. I don't have baths now but have no issues at all with my own dc bathing with them, we hug and do all that. Pils just take it that step further. No I won't question dd about it. It happened when us not there so couldn't stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 14:25

Sorry it was older dd 8 that time who was rolling round with cousin. I have done the nsppc pants talk with older dd. I had much older brother who would do all this stuff with me but as said they go another step.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornFreeButinChains · 25/01/2017 14:30

Mega I am not teaching them anything I have not said anything. Yes we do games like that, it's prolonged lying with them. I have not said I think they are sexual pervert so please don't go down that route. It's just hard to deal with. Eg in summer we may mess around in all types of ways and end up in all sorts of positions on the ground but they always end up lying like that. But I was using that as background really for the bathing scenario

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWally · 25/01/2017 14:33

That's the whole point! There was obviously something about the scenario that made her uncomfortable watching it

But that's not to say there was anything wrong with it apart from in the mind of the OP.

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