AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

[Crowdblundering]

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through .

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

"We are totally open with our kids and our phones, we've always let them use them even once they were old enough to have their own. Otherwise it's difficult for me to justify looking at theirs (they are 11 and 13 so I do) and encourages a culture of secrecy around internet/phone use which I don't want. So, there is absolutely nothing on my phone that isn't appropriate for my kids to see, or for that matter on our laptops, tablets etc"

no no no, this is really wrong.

adults are allowed private and personal conversations.
Children's correspondence is essentially private, but it is not a symmetrical relationship and parents can vet these relationships in a way that children cannot vet those of their parents.

The default is that private is private, but WITH NOTICE it is acceptable for parents to have access to the broader content of to whom, and what about, their children are speaking.

it is not the case vice versa, because parents have a duty of care to children, and the reverse is not true.

What is wrong with you people?!

I can't believe how many people let their dc into their personal mail, just because it's on a phone, they should be able to use.
No way would any child touch my phone, it's private.
I find it all a bit weird tbh, is it first up first open the post then, irrespective of who it's addressed to?

no, wrong, because the principle of private correspondence is part of what makes us civilised people

"I find it all a bit weird tbh, is it first up first open the post then, irrespective of who it's addressed to?"

exactly.

So if my DC have a diary - a private diary it is just as ok for me to go and read that?

When you get a letter from a relation, the conversation goes like this:

"who's that from?"
"aunty x / your dad / my mum / my old friend"
"ooooh can I read it?"

various answers are possible:

"yes, I'll pass it over in a minute"
"no, it's private, he / she / they sends their love"

what on earth is wrong with that?

It's fine to say "Dear husband, step children, everyone. I hope you are all well. I miss you but am having a lovely time..." this letter gets passed around.

Even in the same envelope! or in a separate one - but addressed seprately - you can write "dear husband, I miss you in an intense and steamy way. I long for your body.

"....Also, I am worried about stepson, who smells bad, and is getting very weird and awkward. I wonder how we can help him?"

The second letter is blatantly perfectly suitable to write and unsuitable to share.

If you confine communications to the first kind only you are stunting an adult relationship.

Using phones for communication is what we do now.

Does that mean we can only communicate in family-friendly grunts from now on? Or maybe just emoticons. No more words, just a random wholesome series of general thumbs ups. Actually no need even to write them - programme your phone to send them at regular intervals - and you can just get on with looking at videos of other people's cats.

Yes that is definitely how we should communicate and conduct our relationships with each other.

I feel like I've wandered into the twilight zone on this thread.

YASNBU OP.

OP you're not being unreasonable. I have recently realised that my 6 year old can (and is interested to) read messages on my phone. They're private, between me and others who do not expect someone else to be reading them. It's not really about parenting so much as privacy.

Not sure what you can do, is it possible to lock the messages maybe? or a different phone for contact with you - a boring one with no games on it?

Antigrinch - exactly!!!
It is mind boggling to think there are ppl who cannot get the idea that the contents of a phone should very much be private and let their kids freely use their own phones... Either they don't realise whats on or they have very little communication with the rest of the world through that medium (which is pretty hard to achieve nowadays).
Yes he's an adult so he can do as he like. In theory he could cheat, gamble all his money away etc doesn't mean the OP should accept that. Obv in those cases she may want to LTB. Here it is not that level but it is still important to her, understandably.
Also it is not a bloody parenting choice it is about respecting someone's privacy and indeed his own privacy to a degree!

I like the idea of PP at getting the kids some portable mobile charger or sth! Could sort it out!

It is mind boggling to think there are ppl who cannot get the idea that the contents of a phone should very much be private

No, the contents of a phone belong to the owner of the phone and it's up to them whether they share it or not. The same with a letter or email. Once you send it, it isn't no longer yours to dictate what happens to it (outside of legal contract specifying who can see it) it's an individual choice about whether your own phone is private. Not for the sender to decide or anyone else. It isn't a one rule fits all situation. Send your texts with that in mind. Anyone at any point, now or in the future could see them.

doesn't mean the OP should accept that. Obv in those cases she may want to LTB. Here it is not that level but it is still important to her, understandably.

The fact that she doesn't want to LTB doesn't mean he hasn't to change his mind. If she chooses to stay then she is accepting that this is how he uses his phone.

Also it is not a bloody parenting choice it is about respecting someone's privacy and indeed his own privacy to a degree!

Well OP is sure making a huge song and dance about it in the context of his parenting.

YANBU to not want your private correspondence to be freely available to anyone and feel that it should be for your and DH's eyes only.

YABU to try and impose rules on who your DH allows to use his property purely because those people might see things you don't want them to. That is a relationship issue between you and your DH and not the fault of whoever is being given permission to use the phone.

MN weird ways strike again. OP you have forgotten the RULES..

1. You are a stepmother therefore, what ever the question you are ALWAYS unreasonable.
2. Children have the right to everything all the time and are never wrong.
3. Step children are ESPECIALLY never wrong.
4. Disney dad behaviour is completely acceptable if being called so by wicked SM. This makes it OK as it's putting Dsc first. This must happen at all times.

5Stepmother must come just after the window cleaner in pecking order of 'feelings to be considered' 6Adults with children are not permitted privacy/a sex life or adult conversations. 7 Step mothers are definitely not permitted a private life with their partners. Especially if the partner has Children. All 'private behaviour' in these circumstances must be put 'on hold' until Dsc have graduated University/Left home ,in case they become psychologically disturbed by the possibility of their father having sex/any form of private life or times when they wish to be intimate with their partner.

Remember these simple steps OP and you will never go wrong on MN ..

(Btw it's the Disney parenting that's the problem. ) My DH did this. Drove me fucking apeshit. Does no one any favours least of all the kids. - I told him to stop it . It devalued our relationship. Stop it or I leave. He stopped. I do not believe in 'kids first ' . It's the wrong balance. Adults need to be a strong team supporting each other. That is the foundation. Get that right and the dcs/S dcs have firm reliable ground on which to thrive.

Agree with Grinch.

My two, now adult children, when visiting us sometimes pick up my phone to use it, not snoop, they know the password. I said once to my DD, don't look at my messages please. She said "I don't want to look thanks Mum" with a knowing look on her face. Son wouldn't look either.

If they were younger I'd ensure certain things were hidden though or say don't pick up my phone.

So, adapt your phone to suit if you allow access.

Marilyn.....

I like it

Disney parenting my arse. The guy let his kid use his phone. Literally thousands of parents do this every single day.

1. You are a stepmother therefore, what ever the question you are ALWAYS unreasonable.

I thought she sounded quite reasonable.

1. Children have the right to everything all the time and are never wrong.

Er, you what?

1. Step children are ESPECIALLY never wrong.

O-kayyyy.

1. Disney dad behaviour is completely acceptable if being called so by wicked SM. This makes it OK as it's putting Dsc first. This must happen at all times.

Disney Dad behaviour must be a pain for all involved. My sympathies.

5Stepmother must come just after the window cleaner in pecking order of 'feelings to be considered'

What's wrong with window cleaners?

6Adults with children are not permitted privacy/a sex life or adult conversations.

Eh?

7 Step mothers are definitely not permitted a private life with their partners. Especially if the partner has
Children. All 'private behaviour' in these circumstances must be put 'on hold' until Dsc have graduated
University/Left home ,in case they become psychologically disturbed by the possibility of their father having sex/any form of private life or times when they wish to be intimate with their partner.

Uh?

This is a curious analysis of a parent who like me lets her kids use her phone.

I didn't realise I was ending civilization either. :)

It's not disney parenting to allow the DC to use his phone. And it's no longer the OP's privacy at steak if she knowingly sends messages to a phone which she knows is accessed by a twelve year old.

The reality is that the photo boundary has disappeared with the invention of the digital camera. Before digital cameras were invented taking explicit pictures would also have meant having to take the film into the chemist to be developed and as such the technician would also have got to see them. No such thing as privacy then eh? So I'd imagine that most people wouldn't have dreamed of sending explicit pictures to their partners on the basis they wouldn't be able to do so without someone in boots having seen them first. [.

It is wrong to not teach children appropriate boundaries / to allow them to access something you know to be inappropriate. It would be very wrong to pick up a friend or colleagues phone or post and go through it. Or wrong to sit a child down with some soft pornography (a magazine or even some so called newspapers) Children must be taught boundaries. Keeping other people's phones / wallets / bags etc as private goes towards raising respectful adults.

Also learning others boundaries is vital for children to develop their own. Adults and children without boundaries are open to abuse.

OP, put the photos on a hard drive, and he can look at them on his computer when he's off watch, or print them off, and he can stick them up around his pit, or keep then in his kit and look at them. No need for them to be on his phone then. After all, mobiles are a relatively recent invention, and dh used to take non steamy photos of me to sea, but not on his phone.

As for the lads not daring to look at it, what about the other senior rates having a look? Given the level of technical know-how on a boat, I bet there are plenty who could hack his phone, thumb print or not.

If you don't want them seen, don't send them, as One says, you just don't know who will see them.