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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

220 replies

Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 16:45

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through Hmm.

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

OP posts:
Reality16 · 24/01/2017 20:06

I'll also add that if your sd mentions what she has seen at school did I miss something?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 20:07

Firstly we will not be having any children.

Secondly - Of course he has an issue with it he just doesn't seem to think his DD will find them as she's "just playing a game". My point is she is also reading and replying to his messages which she has no business doing.

Thirdly he would not get put on the sex offenders register if she inadvertently saw something in his phone - I am fully versed in safeguarding thanks very much.

Social workers do have common sense and better things to do than this

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 20:08

My point is she is also reading and replying to his messages which she has no business doing.

She does if he has asked her to.

bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 20:10

It's not inadvertent though. You have warned him she might see it. He hasn't taken any steps to prevent it. He is exposing her to it. Exactly the same as he would be if her own phone had no parental controls. Would ss swoop in and remove the child? No. But they would want to make sure she was not able to access pornographic material. It is poor parenting and your oh doesn't care.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 20:15

Where have I said it's pornographic?!

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 20:18

Well you said very private so underwear or whatever it's not for kids eyes.

Janey50 · 24/01/2017 20:21

OP this would piss me off no end. Not quite the same,but I had an issue with my DP's adult cousin looking at his phone. My DP spends the occasional night there if there is football on and it is easier for him to stay there rather than getting back here at one in the morning. I am not in the habit of sending him sexually explicit texts,but I was extremely annoyed when I discovered that his cousin had been reading my texts that I had sent DP. I found out because his cousin thought it would be funny to reply to one of them,pretending to be DP. I realised almost immediately that it wasn't DP who had written or sent the text as it was totally different to his usual style of writing and didn't have any spelling mistakes. I was annoyed and text back saying I knew it wasn't him. I had no response but when I saw DP the next day I confronted him and he admitted it had been his cousin. I told him in no uncertain terms that my texts to him were for HIM to read,not his bloody cousin. He said he had left his phone on the table when he had popped out to the toilet. It didn't happen again.

Violetcharlotte · 24/01/2017 20:29

I think your OH should be enough of an adult to realise if his phone has 'inappropriate content'(!) on it then he shouldn't let the kids play with it! Hmm

If he insist on doing so, get him to delete the images and make it clear they'll be no more 'sexting'.

I don't get why people let their kids play with their phones, I don't let anyone touch mine! I've not got anything dodgy on it, but messages between me and my friends are private, I don't want kids reading them Hmm

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 20:31

I don't get why people let their kids play with their phones, I don't let anyone touch mine! I've not got anything dodgy on it, but messages between me and my friends are private, I don't want kids reading them hmm

Exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 20:34

My mum actually has answered my phone a couple of times when I have deliberately left it to go to voicemail (because I was spending the day with my mum!) saying "Crowds phone!" and then handed it to me for me to say "can I call you back I'm with my mum" when they could have just left a voicemail Confused

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 24/01/2017 20:36

Lots of posters asking why they are using it in first place if they've got their own phone. One possible example of such a thing which often happens with children who have pay as you go or limited data is that they are without wifi and want to look at something which requires the internet. Adults tend to have more data and so often the child will log into social media on the parent phone til they can get wifi. Now no idea if this happens in current scenario or not. It's just an example.

People might say that it's tough luck and the child should wait. However the point here is that the husband obviously doesn't mind them using his phone. The OP does. But it isn't her phone. I am not sure how I would feel if my partner told me what is and isn't acceptable to do with my phone and my children.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 20:41

They don't have social media - and no I cannot tell him what to do with his phone but at the very least he can tell the kids to not read my text messages because they are for him and him alone.

Normally they haven't charged their phones or have run out of data which IMO and as a pp said up thread is tough and they should have organised themselves better.

They are lucky we pay for them to have contract smart phones, (at 10 and 12) which are capped but they have more than enough data and minutes etc if he just lends his phone it teaches them nothing Confused

OP posts:
beachbodyunready · 24/01/2017 20:46

OP on most smartphones the text messages are displayed in the home screen when the phone is locked, so don't assume that the children have to go searching to find the texts. That also applies if he leaves his phone lying around at work - maybe his colleagues are finding out more than you intend.
Going back to the DC replying to texts you sent on his phone - this happens a lot in my house usually if I'm driving or up to my elbows in washing up, I'll ask my DS12 to read out the text then if needed I'll tell him what to text back. You never know maybe your OH has asked his DC to reply especially if it's just a routine text. I don't see this as particularly worrisome or violating privacy.

WannaBe · 24/01/2017 20:51

You are in the wrong here.

`You know that his children look at his phone. Whether you approve of that is entirely separate, however, knowing that his children look at his phone you still send him explicit pictures and text messages with sexual content.

Therefore, if these children see the pictures of you you are as much to blame because you continue to send them despite knowing that the children have free access to the device you are sending them to.

If you don't want the DC to see naked pictures of you then stop sending naked pictures of yourself to anyone whose phone they have access to.

My DS has access to my phone sometimes. Sometimes it's e.g. To access something while we're out and when he has no data for instance. He knows he's not to look at my texts, but TBH knowing that he has access to my phone I wouldn't be sending text messages that he can read through which are inappropriate anyway. And the fact that he does sometimes have access to my phone is nobody's business but mine.

WannaBe · 24/01/2017 20:52

You are in the wrong here.

`You know that his children look at his phone. Whether you approve of that is entirely separate, however, knowing that his children look at his phone you still send him explicit pictures and text messages with sexual content.

Therefore, if these children see the pictures of you you are as much to blame because you continue to send them despite knowing that the children have free access to the device you are sending them to.

If you don't want the DC to see naked pictures of you then stop sending naked pictures of yourself to anyone whose phone they have access to.

My DS has access to my phone sometimes. Sometimes it's e.g. To access something while we're out and when he has no data for instance. He knows he's not to look at my texts, but TBH knowing that he has access to my phone I wouldn't be sending text messages that he can read through which are inappropriate anyway. And the fact that he does sometimes have access to my phone is nobody's business but mine.

Lunar1 · 24/01/2017 20:59

You are fighting a losing battle here. He very clearly is happy to let his children have his phone and read his messages. You know this now, he's choosing to let them despite what you have said. You don't get to chose what he does but you can chose from now on what you put in messages.

I'm guessing he will have got rid of anything inappropriate before letting them see it. You can't force him to change because you have decided he is wrong.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:02

The content of his texts is not displayed on his home screen - the senders name is.

He is chief in his dept so unlikely any of his lads would look through his phone anyway and they would be in deep shit if they did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:23

The sender is displayed on his home page not the content - and it's locked.

We send each other flirty sexy messages not just me and he is normally the instigator.

It's not just those messages anyway it's the ones about their mother, bills, my ex, my kids, personal stuff, adult stuff in a big long thread of messages.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 21:25

Well you know they use his phone. You know he allows this. It's up to you what you send but you are sending it with the full acceptance that they will probably see it. You have control over what you send, that's it.

Lunar1 · 24/01/2017 21:26

Well now you know his children use his phone, so you can chose not to send those things.

BillyButtfuck · 24/01/2017 21:30

Hang on did I read this right, did OP pick on someone's sexual username because she's not getting her own way about sending her partner sexual photos and messages!?

GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:33

billy I objected to the insinuation there was something darker going on by my OH not caring his DD might see "porn" which is it not from someone with a grim username.

As I said in my OP text is our main communication method.

OP posts:
JumpingJetFlash · 24/01/2017 21:38

How you parent your children is your choice, how he does his is his. You don't like anyone looking at your phone but he doesn't mind (neither do I with mine tbh and my dd has a whole screen of apps just for her on mine and her dad's phone). You don't get to issue orders forbidding him from letting his children use his phone. He doesn't care so you need to take responsibility and change your behaviour. Don't send 'very private' pictures or texts as you can't guarantee his children won't read them.

ballsdeep · 24/01/2017 21:38

I agree with you op. They have their own phones and I bet they'd go batshit crazy if you answered or replied to a text.
I don't understand why they need his when they have their own?! I used to let my lo play on my phone and now he's five and can read there's no chance.
I wouldn't be happy either, especially if they are clearly not sticking to the games. Who knows if they'd look through!!

Mammylamb · 24/01/2017 21:39

Yanbu. You are not with your oh at all times and text is the most convienient way to stay in touch. So yes, you are entitled to a bit of adult privacy.