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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

220 replies

Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 16:45

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through Hmm.

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:27

Welcome, anytime. Wink

haveacupoftea · 24/01/2017 22:28

Its quite normal for kids to play with their parents phone. Stop sending him dirty stuff if you dont want other people seeing it.

Yukbuck · 24/01/2017 22:28

I actually agree that he should monitor what his kids do on his phone. But he should also have a password on the photos. And whether or not you're I your 40s doesn't change the fact he could share them if you split. I think you sound quite naive.

christinarossetti · 24/01/2017 22:29

I'm with you OP. You see your phone as your private convo with your dp, esp as he works away. Texts/photos are one of the primary ways that you communicate, and you want to keep that private.

I think your dp is being unreasonable to both you and his dd's if there's stuff that is private to your relationship and they might find embarrassing tbh.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:31

Believe me I am not naive I had a VERY unpleasant divorce.

Bit sad posters aren suggesting I shouldn't trust the man I am marrying to be a decent human being even if we spilt up.

He would never do that - he may do other things but he would never have reason to do that and I would not marry a man who would.

He treats his ex with the upmost respect.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:34

Bit sad posters aren suggesting I shouldn't trust the man I am marrying to be a decent human being even if we spilt up.

It is sad that so many have experienced something to make them so wary. But really, take a look around the internet, anything you send nowadays is vulnerable to being hacked, stolen, shared, exposed. It really not bad advice to be careful with what you send.

VioletRoar · 24/01/2017 22:35

Op I'm shocked that people seem to think it's odd or wrong to send your dp flirty pics/messages/inuendo etc. If they have their own phones they shouldn't be on his if they could read something private. Of course you could stop sending and receiving those messages but it just seems that this could easily be avoided if he just didn't give them his fucking phone.

CharlotteCollins · 24/01/2017 22:36

You know he's not going to stop letting them use his phone. You've said as much. (his problems with consistency)

So you need to decide what you can do. If you don't want the possibility they will see something you're sending, don't send it.

He'll soon work out that you're communicating less.

Then the ball's in his court.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:38

I am very internet savvy.

My job needs me to be (and involves advising people on internet safety) and OH isn't a vindictive bastard who would plaster my body all over the internet Hmm.

He didn't when we split up a few years sago anyway.

Jeez - he's not someone I met last week Hmm this is the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

OP posts:
Yukbuck · 24/01/2017 22:39

Op I just want to apologise. I'm so sorry my messages are really rude. I have had a horrid day and think I've taken my anger out on you. onewithforce has hit the nail on the head I think. I'm sure your oh is lovely..and I'm sure he won't send them on. But it's just the hacking etc... that would make me weary.

Please just talk to him and ask him to put a password on the photos. He sounds respectful of you so I'm sure he will do this.
And again, sorry.

Butteredpars1ps · 24/01/2017 22:42

Actually Crowd I think you can trust your OH. He's not the one being precious about his phone.

Personally, if a partner was secretive about their phone would be a red flag for me.

Don't send stuff you don't want others to see.

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:44

Christ you are hard bloody work! did he always work away or just since he met you?

Really it just comes across as you wanting to "win" this situation that yet again happens to be about his parenting. You're determined that you should have veto over what he does with his phone so you can send what you like. So go ahead, send what you like, I'm sure your internet savvness will protect you from anyone ever seeing it despite the fact you already know he will let his daughters use his phone. You can't be argued with so do as you please and accept the consequences. He is also free to do as he likes.

HyacinthsBucket · 24/01/2017 22:45

If they are anything like my DDs, they are using his phone as the battery has gone flat on theirs. Get them a portable charger each and it could solve the problem.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:47

one

I struggle to grasp the concept that people in relationships never send things to each other which are for each other's eyes only.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:48

It's his private phone - not his works computer.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 22:49

I'm sure most people do. But they trust their oh to properly supervise use/password protect their phone if kids have access to it.

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:50

I struggle to grasp the concept that people in relationships never send things to each other which are for each other's eyes only.

Who said that? Some people do, some don't. It isn't compulsory. Nor is it forbidden. Do as you like, you know there is a chance it will be seen. You can't blame him if it then is.

CharlotteCollins · 24/01/2017 22:50

He seems to struggle with the concept that you would like to...

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:51

Eh?

He actively encourages it.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 24/01/2017 22:53

Send things that are for his eyes only? Nah, he thinks they're fine for his DD's eyes, too...

holidaysaregreat · 24/01/2017 22:56

Agree with one and bum
I theory YANBU to expect him to keep his phone private & absolutely you should be able to communicate with him when he is away. It sounds like he has it locked etc.
However, he isn't being careful with his phone & is allowing daughters to access his phone. So whilst you aren't happy with that, the reality is that he isn't respecting your privacy.
So for the moment you have to delete the pics and the messages & hold off.
I think there are some safeguarding issues around girls that age accessing sexy messages & conversations. Nothing that bad, but just not really appropriate.
So until he can be more discreet then you need to use a different device. Could he have a tablet like a kindle fire which isn't compatible with the smartphone? Just for pics?

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 24/01/2017 22:59

We are totally open with our kids and our phones, we've always let them use them even once they were old enough to have their own. Otherwise it's difficult for me to justify looking at theirs (they are 11 and 13 so I do) and encourages a culture of secrecy around internet/phone use which I don't want. So, there is absolutely nothing on my phone that isn't appropriate for my kids to see, or for that matter on our laptops, tablets etc. I have restrictions on it similar to those on the DCs. DH and I don't use our phones for any private conversation (no need as neither of us is ever away) but if we did they would be deleted immediately after reading, that is what your DH should be doing. Photos are harder because of the "recently deleted" folder, I would just stop doing those.

RebelSoldier · 24/01/2017 23:06

I don't let me kids use my phone because I'm worried they'll read texts by accident which have swearing and content unsuitable for children - and also there may me unsuitable photos or memes.

AntiGrinch · 24/01/2017 23:08

I think this thread is a really nasty example of a current desire to judge - to seem stringent - probably by people wrongly thinking they are being traditional - whereas actually they are being particularly crassly, modernly, wrong.

  • private correspondence was once a dearly held, sacrosanct value
  • and especially between spouses / lovers.
  • it still is, between gentlemen, and those of that class.
  • how can you judge a person for sending personal, private messages to her partner?
  • and then feeling traduced when they are made commonly accessible?

this is appalling manners on the part of the OP's partner and family. he and the children are just wrong.

anyone suggesting otherwise is wrong.

Reality16 · 24/01/2017 23:10

this is appalling manners on the part of the OP's partner and family. he and the children are just wrong. anyone suggesting otherwise is wrong.

Wrong because you say so? Ok then.