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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

220 replies

Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 16:45

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through Hmm.

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

OP posts:
Sativa · 24/01/2017 17:17

YANBU - there is no need for children to have access to their parents' phones, even more so if they've got their own phones/tablets.

This would greatly irritate me too...

Botanicbaby · 24/01/2017 17:18

In that case OP I can see why it's annoying. But is it worth falling out with your DP over? Esp as you've raised it with him before to no avail.

It can be annoying when our partners do things as parents that we wouldn't but it's up him if he wants his girls to have access to the phone.

Choose your battles and all that. He'll be the one that loses out on the pics & adult chat but that's his loss!

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 17:20

Fwiw if he is so keen on you sending him racy photos he'll soon work out what he needs to do to keep them safe so that you start sending them again Wink

bluemarble · 24/01/2017 17:20

I'm also in a long distance relationship and get what you mean OP.

we use an app called photo vault - you can save private photos in it and it needs a separate passcode to access.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 24/01/2017 17:22

So you get unconfortable about your dcs coming across explicit texts and private photos.
What about your DH? How would he feel about his dcs coming across explicit texts (they aren't little anymore. I'm sure that at 12yo, his dd will 'get' the inutendo) or the photos of you. Would be happy/embarrassed/thinking it's not appropriate for them to see those?

I agree you can't stop him from letting him give the phone to his dcs. If it was to happen, you would need to be there and clearly it's not always the case. So HE needs to want to do that.
I'm just curious as to why he wouldn't and why he would think it's appropriate for his dcs to potentially come across the texts/photos.

Or is the issue that he doesn't think they will or that they will understand what the texts were about (in that case, he is playing with Fire TBH)?

Aroundtheworldandback · 24/01/2017 17:22

Normal for kids to play on dad's phone but tell him to use his sense and say no if there's anything inappropriate on it.

itsmine · 24/01/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reality16 · 24/01/2017 17:23

there is no need for children to have access to their parents' phones. But there is no reason why they shouldn't have access if the parent so chooses. The main thing here is that the decision is for the parent to make, not his partner. When you are with someone who has children you have to respect that they put their children (quite rightly) first.

TheNaze73 · 24/01/2017 17:24

Seems a bit irresponsible on his behalf

dollydaydream114 · 24/01/2017 17:24

I'm interested by people saying 'He can do what he likes with his own phone' and 'just delete things if they're private'.

If the OP's partner had a drawer full of love letters and private photos she'd sent, would you think it was fine for him to let his kids go through it that drawer looking for things? Or suggest burning them all?

Long distance relationships are difficult and keeping certain texts and photos is a nice (and standard) way of helping to feel closer.

When did it become a thing that kids have to have access to other people's stuff? What's wrong with teaching them that you can't always play with things that don't belong to you? These kids have their own phones and tablets; they don't need to be given Dad's to play with.

I'm with the OP on this one. YANBU.

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/01/2017 17:25

I totally see your point OP. He seems a bit careless about your relationship with his DDs in this regard, though I think actually, especially if they're "just" private rather than pornographic, that would be a fleeting blip if it happened compared with him constantly being guarded with his phone around his kids when he hasn't been in the past. You could ask him to delete the photos and not text anything you don't think is child suitable. But there are apps for iOS and android devices that require and additional password to let you into photos (a photo lock app as mentioned above). If he would agree to using something like that for private photos of you then maybe nobody has to change things that are working nicely now. (Except for the texting, I guess. I would not be concerned about children knowing I swore from time to time, but there are things I would prefer they didn't read so appreciate that may need to change some of the time. There's probably a messaging app that requires a separate password too though).

TheSmurfsAreHere · 24/01/2017 17:27

I a,so think the question isn't whether the OP is unreasonable or not there.

The question is: is it OK to take the risk of children coming across racy photos or texts?
If it wasn't the OP sending the photos but her DH having 'racy photos' on hi phone (wherever they were coming from), would it be ok for the dcs to see those?
Would it be ok if these children were coming across some similar text in a book somewhere?

If the answer is NO to those questions (and I believe it is), then the dcs should not have access to the phone.

TheEmmaDilemma · 24/01/2017 17:27

Photochest or some similar app would help with the photo's. It requires a password to view them.

However there is still the fact of why are they playing with his phone if they have their own, and you should be able to text whatever you want without fear they maybe reading them.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 24/01/2017 17:28

Another question to ask too is
Is it ok for children to come accross sexual content or to be made aware of their parents sex life?

trinketsofgold · 24/01/2017 17:29

He isn't putting the children first tho is he? So that argument doesn't really hold up.

Being with someone who has children doesn't mean your partner is allowed to trample all over your feelings because the child must always, unquestionably come first Hmm

itsmine · 24/01/2017 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 24/01/2017 17:33

If your dh can't be arsed to delete such texts don't send them.

This

You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

Klaphat · 24/01/2017 17:34

If he wants you to send him sexy pics and messages then he has to make sure his children don't have access to them, if you have a problem with it. It is entirely within his power to solve this issue, but apparently he wants photos of you while ignoring your wishes.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 17:40

All our kids come first - that is not in question.

dolly that's a really intersting point.

I am always "careful" around them as in they never see me naked or in my underwear and I never walk in on them changing now they are getting older.

They are getting a bit bashful about me kissing him in front of them. They are pretty innocent for 12 and 10 yr ones but 12 yr old in yr 7 and first yr of secondary so not for long.

I don't think they need to know about that side of our relationship - esp as I'm not their mum.

OP posts:
Love51 · 24/01/2017 17:41

I put it was a crime to have shared with him. I meant a crime for him to share with the kids, ie exposing kids to porn. Depends what exactly is on there.

ChocoChou · 24/01/2017 17:41

I'm with you on this one OP! I have Dc a similar age and the only reason he would ask to use my phone is if he had run out of battery or data.. both of which are not my problem- he should have organised himself better. Therefore I'll never let him use my phone regardless of if there's anything I don't want him to see (there def is)
I would say to DH that I'm no longer sending him pics until he made it clear that DDs wouldn't be touching his phones.
What's with the entitlement that kids are allowed to use their parents phones to drain their batteries and play games etc when they have their own phones?!
I understand if it's a crabby 2/3yr old trying to settle in a car but a near-teen with their own phone? No way

Radiatorvalves · 24/01/2017 17:45

Years ago, pre mobile phone days, I came across some photos in a work situation of colleague's wife. They weren't exactly pornographic (and I only saw them for a nano second) just photos of her in various stages of undress. He was a total perve, but that's another story.

I was hideously embarrassed and have never (25 years on) got them totally out of my mind. I don't dwell on it or anything, just sometimes I think of it and think eeew.

I would not want kids to see photos of me (or anyone) like that - I'd get him to delete and not send any more.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/01/2017 17:47

I also hear you OP, loud and clear.
No more photos for DH, until he shows a little more respect.
That is all.

MyGodLikeChin · 24/01/2017 17:55

There does seem to be a difference of attitude between the two of you regarding privacy that is not the children's fault but children shouldn't have automatic access to parent/adult devices regardless of whether they have their own ( these children are lucky enough to have their own).
What amazes me are all the people who are saying of course the children should access the phone yet come on mumsnet as a concerned parent asking if you should look at your child's phone as you have concerns re grooming, cyber bullying and you are slapped down about rights to privacy quicker than you can blink.
I know in this instance permission to use the phone has been given by H but not permission to read private messages. He should be telling them if I can't trust you to just play games on my phone you don't use it.

Figure17a · 24/01/2017 18:06

This almost seems designed (by oh) to annoy you. Personally I don't see a problem with dc having access to my or DH's phone, but I also can't see why they'd want it.

OH knows you have an issue with but still allows it. Either he doesn't care what you think or he'd rather you didn't send these "private" messages. I know dh would hate it.