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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

220 replies

Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 16:45

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through Hmm.

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

OP posts:
oblada · 24/01/2017 21:45

I fully agree with you OP and makes me laugh the number of ppl on MN who keep bleating 'he's an adult you can't decide for him it's disrespectful' FFS in any relationship both sides will have things they are annoyed at, insist on and God forbid even take a stand on. Yes we are all adults and can in theory do as we wish but we also live in society and abide by certain rules and if we are in a relationship we abide by more private rules that both partners contribute to. To respect your partner is to respect that certain things are important to him/her.

I would be v annoyed if my husband let others look through his phone and I would tell him so. I'd expect him to respect that. Yes he does not HAVE to. But it's a relationship so I would still expect him too. Just like I respect his views on things that are important to him even though I may look at them differently. I don't HAVE to but since I love him it makes sense to compromise.

I hope you find a way to get your OH to take your views on this seriously as it would be a shame for you to feel censored in the messages you are sending him. And you are right it is not just the sexual things, it could be a bunch of other adult things that are none of his kids' business.

WellieWanger · 24/01/2017 21:45

Not one for saucy photos of texts;DH would be totally bemused if I sent him an artistic photo of my vag
But I agree that the kids don't need to be fannying around on his phone if they have their own with their own games etc on. Can't see why they'd want to. Only time I ever used my parents phones were if I had ran out of credit and wanted to text a friend.
However, kids are odd, we all know that. And something that belongs to someone else does hold appeal with them i guess. Get him to just hide the photos love. Whilst i understand you don't want your privacy accidentally invading, don't make a mountain of a molehill.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:49

They are not of my "vag".

Pretty sure most of the posters who don't send photos etc probably see their OH most days. We spend months apart.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 21:50

makes me laugh the number of ppl on MN who keep bleating 'he's an adult you can't decide for him it's disrespectful' FFS in any relationship both sides will have things they are annoyed at, insist on and God forbid even take a stand on. Yes we are all adults and can in theory do as we wish but we also live in society and abide by certain rules and if we are in a relationship we abide by more private rules that both partners contribute to. To respect your partner is to respect that certain things are important to him/her.

True, however, respecting your partner doesn't mean bowing to their every command. I did ask upthread but OP has declined to answer what her kids get/do that her partner disapproves of. Or what parenting of hers he thinks she needs to change. Unless OP is willing to change all those things in accordance with his wishes then she just has to accept that this is how he has chosen to parent wrt to this issue and she sends her texts with that knowledge in mind.

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 21:52

My partner was forces. Deployed for 6/9 months at a time. I didn't send photos. Precisely because you just never knew who might see them.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 24/01/2017 21:53

Im always getting the kids to reply to texts as me when I'm driving or busy etc. Blush

Just say DELETE THIS after you send anything. Make a joke of it.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:54

I can't send photos - he has to take them with him and the safest way to do that is on his phone - which is locked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:55

I think it would annoy me if a mate did it tbh - it's like sending a letter to Simone and someone other than the recipient reading it first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:56

*someone

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 21:56

Confused whether you send them while he is away or before he goes they're still on his phone and you don't know who might see them.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:56

He would never ever let any of the lads look at his phone - ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 21:57

It has fingerprint recognition and a code.

OP posts:
oblada · 24/01/2017 21:59

It's not about bowing to every command but if it's important to her why would he not respect it? We do not have to do exactly as our partner say but sometimes it is worth respecting their views and wishes if it's important to them.

It's up to the OP and her OH if 'in turn' (as if it's some sort of children fairness game) he takes issues with things she does in a way that is important to him and that she ignores. There is no need to get into that rly. Plus this issue is obviously directly affecting her, it's not just sth he does with his kids, it has an impact or potential impact on her.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 24/01/2017 22:01

Gawd, I would struggle to stop the kids using my phone, just because DH preferred they didn't. My phone. My kids, etc, etc.

Peanutbutterrules · 24/01/2017 22:02

The kids have their own phones and everyone has some expectation of privacy. Get the pics deleted and keep messages 'child friendly' until he gets the message. You aren't comfortable - he ought to respect that. Its not like the kids will 'suffer' from not having access to their Dad's phone.

Yukbuck · 24/01/2017 22:02

There's 2 things I'd worry about here. 1. What if his phone was stolen? Some thief would have naked pics of you (makes me shiver at the thought of a creep looking at me naked)
and 2. If you were to split up, he could do anything with those photos. I just couldn't send them! And agree with previous poster that things are different when you have kids..

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:03

It's not about bowing to every command but if it's important to her why would he not respect it?

Because maybe he disagrees with it. Are you saying if he decides OP should parent her DC differently she should do it just because he says it's important to him? That's not how it works. Sometimes you just have to accept that the other parents differently. It isn't hurting her. She can choose to text differently. If she wants to contact him while he is away she can email him.

itsmine · 24/01/2017 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:04

I can't email him.

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:04

Why not crowd?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:05

If his phone was stolen it's locked and useless to the thief as attached to his account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 24/01/2017 22:05

Because there is no contact where he goes.

OP posts:
laidbackmummy13 · 24/01/2017 22:05

Since when is it a crime to teach children that something's are private? My partner used to let his daughter on his phone and iPad...and answer texts I sent...he stopped when I expressed my discomfort with this. Because I am his partner and she is a child...children need to learn to respect privacy.

They have their own phones, they don't need to be on his. You feeling uncomfortable and upset about this violation of your privacy is more important than their temporary hurt feeling ps cause they didn't get their own way (snooping).

So just tell him to stop it.

And ignore those who don't want to hurt the children's feelings. The children will get over it..and eventually so will the step mother haters.

OneWithTheForce · 24/01/2017 22:06

So how can you text him then?

bumsexatthebingo · 24/01/2017 22:06

No matter how tasteful you think the photos are op they are explicit and not suitable for children to have access to. Your husband to be clearly disagrees so there's not much you can do. Even if you insist he deletes the photos/texts from you and you don't send him anymore god knows what text conversations the child will be exposed to from his friends etc. He is not a responsible parent. You clearly still want to be with him though so good luck with that.