AIBU to feel irritated? OH kids reading his phone...

[Crowdblundering]

OH works away, other side of country then sometimes away for months (think military).

Our main method of communication is texting as often not able to speak on phone as driving/work schedules don't match (and OH has a habit of phoning but not having a lot to say!).

Also on his phone he has several very private photos of me.

He's on a course this week and in the town his DDs live in so taking them out to dinner (which is lovely). He phoned me then I received a missed call afterwards so I called back and DSD (she's 12) answered and said she had accidentally called me as playing with her dads phone in the car.

I have asked him before not to do this (and in the past the girls have read texts from me which have contained swearing/sexual innuendo) when I haven't realised he's with them and expected him to be reading his own texts.

They have their own phones that we gave them and paid for (my idea so they always have credit and can contact him/us - trying not to drip feed!) and DS's and tablets - so there is really no need for them to have his phone - and if they are making calls and reading his texts - what else are they scrolling through .

AIBU to feel miffed about this again? Or tell him to delete the photos and warn me if his children have his phone? I would be mortified and more importantly so would they.

I think there is sometimes a big difference in attitude towards parenting as well as the privacy - as in many blended families.

I am full time mum he is part time Disney dad who struggles to say no!

He certainly does not hate it at all.

It's not always sexual - sometimes it's just adult stuff the DC don't need to know.

He doesn't do it to annoy me he just struggles to be consistent sometimes most of the time

What does a photolocker app do?

Move chosen photos to secure app which is password protected.

serve the ultimatum:
ensure the children are not going to be accessing your phone, lock photos and messages or whatever u feel is adequate, or no more n00dz.

you are right to want to protect ur step children from seeing that, but if u have a long distance thing going on then it's definitely a way to keep the spark. you should be able to do that without fear of repercussions

Thanks Polly I will tell OH to get one - or stop lending his phone!

ARGH - I just sent him a text asking him something (clean) and DSD replied

Have emailed him saying it's not acceptable.

Have emailed him saying it's not acceptable it's completely unacceptable for you to dictate what he does with both his children and his phone

Reality16

You seem to have a bit of an issue with me being a step mother - you aren't going to get the rise you want from me.

Have emailed him saying it's not acceptable.

Eh? What you sent was clean, so why was it unacceptable that his DSD replied?

Because I think it's totally desrespectful to teach your kids it's ok to read your private messages!

She would go mental if we read her texts - she should afford us - the adults in her life - the same respect.

Because she might be asking a question she doesn't want the DSD to read, even without it being an 'adult' message? Would you be happy for all your kids to hear/read everything you say, ever? Jeez.

If the OP's partner had a drawer full of love letters and private photos she'd sent, would you think it was fine for him to let his kids go through it that drawer looking for things? Or suggest burning them all?

But its not a drawer or love letters. Its his phone and its his choice to let the kids play with it.

Many people arent that precious about their phones. He kets his kids play with his phone, op knows this so maybe she ahould stop sending inappropriate content.

.. and I just despair of what he is teaching her tbh.

I am angry with him not her.

How do you know he wasn't driving and asked her to read it and reply?I'm guessing he knows you won't have sent anything racy or innappropriate because you know he is with them and you have already expressed your discomfort at them seeing those kind of messages.

TBH it is starting to sound like you just don't want them having any access to his phone at all which just isn't your call.

Why do they need access to his phone?

Will someone tell me that?

I wouldn't read anyone's texts.

I will never forget when I found a dirty video on my mums phone when I was about 10 and fiddling with her new phone (with her permission).
It was awful for me to see and it's never left me
If there is any chance at all, even a tiny one, that any of his children might catch a glimpse and it's something you wouldn't want anyone else to see then just bloody delete them!!!

They don't need access to his phone. For whatever reason they want it and he is fine with allowing it. Kids get a lot of things they don't need. What do your DC do/get that he doesn't approve of?

If your oh doesn't see an issue with his 12 yo accessing sexual content on his phone I'm not sure why you're still going out with him tbh.

"Going out?"

We have been together 8 years, own a house together and are getting married this year.

I object to that insinuation - esp from someone who thinks that's an appropriate username to stand in judgement from.

i love it when people get judgy about MN usernames. It's always when things aren't going their way as well.

You seem to have a bit of an issue with me being a step mother - you aren't going to get the rise you want from me. I'm not trying to get a 'rise' I have no issue with you being a step mother to your step children, my point is that you can't be step mother to your partner. If he wants to let his kids use his phone for whatever reason he chooses then that is entirely up to him. Completely 100% HIS choice. If my 15yo phone dies when we are out I happily let her use mine. If my 12yo wants to play minecraft pr whatever because he is fully bored in the car then I have no problem giveing him my phone.

People are asking why does he have to give his ohone to his kids, he doesn't have to, he chooses to. There is nothing wrong with that.

I'm with you OP.

My ex used to have a few compromising photos of me. You know how when the computer goes to screensaver and it switches to a slideshow of random photos from iPhoto? Some of them came up once, and I warned him to move them to another folder or it could prove very embarrassing. A few months later, we were having dinner with some of his family members, at his house, and guess what happened? Every single one of them was permanently deleted the next morning. I was furious with him for breaking my trust and treating my privacy so casually.

Ok. I'll change that to why on earth would you want to share your life with a man who shares explicit images with his pre teen daughter? My phone is password protected as is my laptop so my children are blissfully unaware of my sweary username. If you think swearing on the internet amongst adults is more worth getting worked up about than exposing kids to explicit material then I think your priorities are a little skewed.

Tbh, slightly off tangent here, but I can't understand why couples would take naked and compromising pics of each other on a mobile or any other device anyway. What if the relationship breaks own and you're then put in a vulnerable position of someone having pictures of you that could be plastered all over the Internet? Just not worth the risk.

I'll also add that if your sd mentions what she has seen at school it will be a safeguarding issue that may well impact your family and any future children you have with him.