Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

Sorry haven't read all of the replies, but I definitely see some judgement. In my own personal experience, I was surprised at how much professionals/healthcare providers can be judgemental, or at least treat you palpably differently to someone older. And I wasn't even a teen mum! (Gave birth to DD when I was 21).

My midwife was horrendous to me in labour, it really put a downer on my birth experience :( She literally rolled her eyes at me on occasions, like when I was delivering the placenta, implying very clearly that she thought I couldn't possibly know what was going on. This happened with a lot of other things too. The first health visitor I saw was also so tactlessly rude that I was literally speechless with anger, and it wasn't just the post birth hormones!

Saying that, I did notice a strange correlation between my confidence as a mother and the way people treated me. The next health visitor for example, was really nice, I think she could see how comfortable I was with baby. That does make me sad though, because surely young mothers who look like they need support are the ones who need to be isolated the least!

And as for my own personal feelings towards teen mums, I definitely don't judge them for the one factor of being young, however I can't help but judge any mothers who aren't very nice or patient with their children, it really upsets me. I've unfortunately seen that from parents of all different ages though, and I think the common factor is a lack of support, either from family, partners or the system. Just my two cents though!

Did you not read all of the replies Evie?

Yes Niskyauna the 'you're just not like us hun' attitude. How up your own arse do you have to be to think like that, it's not like its riveting conversation over a latte, it's teething, feeding, sleeping, pfb yawnfests I had DC2 at an acceptable age so am now invited to coffee, this is how I know

Terribly sorry, have reported all of my duplicate posts

No I wouldn't judge at all, was an almost teen mum myself 19, and got looks and tuts at times myself. There was a teen mum who used to take her dc to the same nursery I took mine to, she would turn up in her school uniform to drop him off and pick him up, I smiled at her but she generally kept her head down. I thought she was amazing to be still attending school after having a baby. I would have invited her for coffee had she not had other commitments. Incredible young lady. I often wonder what shes doing now, college or uni probably.

I said I wondered before - I'd like to clarify. I mean, I wondered what it's been like for them, and if they're coping, and perhaps yes if they're getting on OK with the dad. But I wonder things about everyone, a lot, because terminally nosey.

I don't wonder if they're good parents or make assumptions. I am also a bit envious - it's not happened for us yet. But when it does I'll be sure to say Hi to young mums after reading this.

I wouldn't, and don't, judge. But I absolutely do not want my dds to be teen mothers and tell them so often.

No - I had schoolfriends who got pregnant as teenagers. It happens, to perfectly nice, ordinary girls who are just unlucky, and go on to be awesome mothers. I've also taught several mature students who were teen mums then came to university when their children were old enough - and they were awesome students (one graduated with her daughter, mum and grandmum present - that's four generations of women celebrating one of them's achievement - it was fantastic, probably the most moving family group I've ever seen at a graduation).

I judge teen mothers on how well they look after their children, not on how old they were when they had them. I know a couple of people who became mums in their teens - one of whom was barely 15 when she had her daughter, and the other was 17 - and they have both done the very best they could for their children who are now at university and doing brilliantly well. In all honesty I'm in awe of anyone who could do such a fantastic job as a parent at just 15 years old.

A lot of people did judge my friend though. She still remembers how unpleasant some of the other mothers at her child's nursery were to her when she was dropping off and collecting her little girl, and she remembers being sneered at by other students when she was at university and they found out she had a child.

I think I do judge on age, sorry. I often assume that younger mums are from lower socio-economic brackets because more middle class parents will ensure that their DC have a termination so it doesn't get in the way of their child's education, finding the right life partner etc.

In a way I have more respect for young mums who go through with the pregnancy, although pro-choice I would never have coped with having a termination myself so was paranoid about contraception in my teens and 20s, however accidents happen.

I don't tend to fraternise with young mums because I prefer to stick to my age group as we have a common frame of reference.

Not at all. In fact you can marry at 16 in tyhe Uk with parents' permission as indeed some people do. Some of us are just very mature at a young age. I graduated aged 20. I had a baby aged 22 and was married and owned a house. Other people mess around in their lives until they are nearly 40 before having a career, spouse, house.

I was raised by a teen mum, and I happen to think she did a decent job. It's not necessarily what you'd want for your daughter but it doesn't have to be a barrier to achieving things in life; you just have to do them in a different order.

Nope. I think there are a lot at DS' school and don't judge them as really I don't think anyone has a right too either. I judge those that judge though.

I'm gonna be totally honest here, because I think others aren't being truly truly honest but I probably would judge - I'd assume that for someone to have a baby that young they weren't from a very upmarket, or educated background. I wouldn't be in any way horrible to the person, as I'm not like that, but I'm a 35 year old first time mum who has had a very successful business career and lived in multiple countries, I'm married to a guy who is similar to me and I wouldn't be friends with someone like that as we'd have F all in common. Sorry but I'm being honest. I want my daughter to hang out with successful people and be ambitious. Sorry I'm being honest. I'm sure others will think that but they won't be blatant enough to write it. There we go.

Mostly I wouldn't judge. My niece was pregnant at 13, 15 years ago. In all honesty I felt she'd been let down by my BIL and SIL. So in that way I judged. It was a tough, tough time for them all. She has been a very poor mum and her dc now have all sorts of problems and the cycle is continuing.

I don't because most of the ones I know of have been fantastic mums and I think that's what counts most really.

Depends. I have two friends who had babies in their teens, and who now are qualified doctors. They obviously didn't have a typical teenage / uni experience as they grew up fast and their kids always came first.

I also know of one who is not a very good mother and refused to give up her teenage lifestyle and is still overtly dependent on her own mother.

I am friends with the former two, not the latter. Sorry you had a hard time. I've had a few comments in the street because I look young (25), but I have the confidence to put most people straight!

I don't judge.

But I do judge girls in their mid teens who aspire to becoming teen mums, for whatever reason.

I'm surprised this powerful video hasn't been shared on the thread yet. Obviously not representative of every young mother's experience, but gripping nonetheless:

I wouldn't judge.
At baby groups I might feel like I have more in common with mums closer to my age so wouldn't instinctively go to you for a chat (but wouldn't exclude you on purpose either).

Its odd isn't it that you can enter the world of work at 16 (whether part time or full time) and be expected to work with your colleagues of all ages and probably get on. Yet people cannot get on with a 19 year old mother because what on earth would they talk about?

I wonder how people like this function in the working world that doesn't divide neatly into little age brackets.

FWIW, I am technically a teen mother who had DD when I was 19, working FT, renting my own place and in a long term relationship. I had a wonderfully supportive friendship with a woman in her 50's who didnt judge me at all.

Oddly, my life has changed and I now live amongst mothers who had children in their 40's. Professionals too we socialise regularly and there has never been a question of my acceptance but then again I'm not the type of person that will tolerate prejudices against me.

There have been the odd one or two mothers that didn't approve of my children being at their 'naice' school but most have been won round by my personality. I have studied and worked incredibly hard for my career and although its not an easy path I am a good mother and my children are being raised well.

I wouldn't want my eldest DD (or younger DS's) to have the same path into motherhood that I had but only because it has been hard at times working/studying and raising children, and it is easier to study first then have children in my experience.

I don't judge them at all - in fact i think they have it right , surely you have more energy for toddlers at that age !
joking aside - my DM judges them terribly ''oh they'll ruin their life'' etc - well isn't your life ''ruined'' at any age ? I was 38 when I had my son and of course your life stops (life as you know it ) and you have a massive responsibility for the next 18 years or whatever .... so how is that different from being a teen mum. I always challenge her and she doesn't like it. I guess her generation equate teen mum with unmarried mum ( scandalous in her day ! ) but I'm 41 and not married so what.

As for being clicky round the nursery or school I feel like the odd one out being an older mum but everyone is friendly and chatty.

I would never judge a mum on age , marital status or whatever , but only her love and care for her child/ren. - and what has age got to do with that?

EnglishRose so, hypothetically, if you met a 40 year old at work who was your senior, had more money than you, travelled more extensively than you and had a better education than you, you would run away screaming if she introduced you to her 24 year old daughter?

Would you immediately judge her as not upmarket or successful enough for you?