Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

I'd never be rude to a teenage mother, but I'm sure neither of us would be keen to form a meaningful friendship.

I know I have nothing in common with teenagers, I have one! They're a completely different species.

You seriously couldn't do small talk about teething, weaning, lack of sleep and other things like that over a coffee just because someone was younger than you?

I didn't want to talk about teething, weaning etc at baby and toddler groups so the people I chose to talk to were people I had more than just motherhood in common with. I would smile and say hi but I wouldn't pursue a conversation beyond that.

"I didn't want to talk about teething, weaning etc at baby and toddler groups so the people I chose to talk to were people I had more than just motherhood in common with. I would smile and say hi but I wouldn't pursue a conversation beyond that."

So you don't talk to people first and see whether you have anything in common with them? You just decide by looking at them?

Isn't that pretty much the definition of judgemental?

*So you don't talk to people first and see whether you have anything in common with them? You just decide by looking at them?

Isn't that pretty much the definition of judgemental?*

This! People see 'young mum' and make their own assumptions that they won't have anything in common through their own prejudices.

What if they happen to do the same sport/hobby as you? Or are/were in the same line of work as you?

Or is that still not enough in common to bother with them?

It's funny really, I was significantly older than most of the mums when my wee ones were in the baby rooms at nursery (10+ years at least). I'd have felt like absolute shit if they'd ostracised me because of my age, and I'm glad they didn't.
Now they're in the 3-5 room, the ages have evened out a bit for some reason, there's more older mums too, and we all make an effort not to ostracise anybody. Because that's a really shit thing to do.

What if they happen to do the same sport/hobby as you? Or are/were in the same line of work as you?

If you are on a night out do you go and chat to random people twenty or so years younger than you or do you chat to your friends. For me toddler groups was were I met up with friends, it was my social life. I might be a mum, the young person might be a mum but that does not mean I have to start a conversation with them. I'm not judging someone for being a young mum just for being young and if you can't see the difference that is because you are only seeing us as mums and not people in our own right.

Wtf you've got the wrong end of the stick. People say they don't talk to young people because they have nothing common with them. What I said had nothing to do with a night out

It is about being friends rather than being friendly, though. The problem was not being invited out for coffee after the group.

I'd happily chat with anyone at a toddler group, although would probably gravitate after a while to people I had more in common with (regardless of age) once I knew them. But I wouldn't arrange to meet up afterwards/beforehand/later in the week with everyone there.

" I'm not judging someone for being a young mum just for being young and if you can't see the difference that is because you are only seeing us as mums and not people in our own right."

No, I'm saying that in any situation with new people I start off with the bit you do have in common, then move on and through having that conversation you find out whether or not you do have anything else in common that could lead to a more in depth conversation...and ultimately seeing if they are or are not someone you might get on with as actual friends.

Where you're literally judging people as not being like you based on how old you think they are and nothing else.

I find it really strange that people seem to exist in some sort of age bubble.
What do people do at work? Do you not speak to older and younger people? Can you not have lunch with them?

How do you know that someone is that young, or old? Do you all wear t shirts with I am 30 on?

i manage to have an adult conversation with my sons teacher- yet she is young enough to be my daughter.

Maybe part of the difference is I'm going to toddler groups with 30/40 mothers there and people do stick to their own friends. Like I said I would smile and say hi but conversation wise I would stick to my own friends.

I'm guessing your son's teacher is mid twenties though, rather than 16? I've never had a problem chatting to the young mums at baby/toddler groups but the conversation has pretty much always stayed on the sleeping/weaning/teething side. I couldn't talk about what line of work they were in a none of them had ever had a job- there were only 4 in our classes though, but all of them were 16 or 17 and had left school when they got pregnant. They were all very good parents and got on well together but I found I had much more in common some of the women my age.

The majority of humans judge, its human nature, everything from politics to parenting to education etc.

Being polite and speaking is nothing like a friendship. Most teens won't be working, won't have travelled, will have child hobbies etc so of course older parents aren't likely to seek them as friends as the common interests will likely be just a child.

In the real world, most would raise an eyebrow at a child having a child as they simply don't have the life experience, finances, maturity of an adult etc.

After 18, everyone is an adult and it's technical just a number. Poor parenting, lack of responsibility, failure to provide etc can be done by any adult and society does need to judge as otherwise we are saying any behaviour is acceptable.

nicky 22 / 23 I guess, as she is straight out of uni. I even managed to speak to her in the pub too.

I am more than twice her age. I think the op asked would you shut someone out of conversation, or be less inclined to speak to them, not would you make them your best buddy.

No, I make more of an effort, because i feel that after having worked in stressful environment has in some way prepared me for mptherhood. A 16 year old doesn't have life skills or solid friendship group to fall back on.

Icklepickle yes !!! The older mums baby groups were very supportive towards me, very friendly. It was the girls who had their babies at 18 plus- ish who judged me. I was the only in the young mums group (I think) who was still in education. A lot of the girls were like "I need to stay at home and look after DS", "I'm being selfish, I need to care for DS needs". One asked me when I was going I plan for another one . Till she knew if my real age and was horrified.

It does seem odd that the original post-simply asking if you'd cut someone out for being a single mother-has become 'would you become bosom buddies with a teenaged mum?' which is not quite the same thing.

There are many opinions on this, but many in this thread come, not from a perspective of experience but of assumption. Variously, it has been said that teenaged parents (we keep talking of mothers but my now husband was fully involved) can't support themselves financially, don't have a solid group of friends, lack life skills and so on but such blanket statements simply can't be applied and accepted as a universal description. My husband had begun his career (just) and didn't make a lot but what he did make he have to me. I did stay with my parents to begin with but paid them board and for all of my baby's own things out of the money my husband sent and I also gave them his child benefit as they were forever buying him things and caring for him while I took exams and so on. However, my Mum and Dad insist that they did no more than many grandparents would do anyway and, indeed, they are just as involved with all of our subsequent sons, with the exception of us living there (and they would have us if they could!!)

Taking the teenaged motherhood out of the equation, I genuinely find it quite sad that so many people will discount whole groups of people that could enrich their lives in some way or another based on one aspect of their circumstances. That enrichment does not have to take the form of close friendship, of course. I recall one lady whom I met only once in hospital. I had my new baby, my husband had gone home and it was my first night as a mother. It was so overwhelming-which is an emotion that I am sure transcends age-and we spent an hour chatting and laughing and reassuring each other. She was more than twice my age and we probably wouldn't, in every day life, have had a reason for our paths to cross. I still remember that night fondly: she didn't blank me for being a teenager. I don't even think she commented on it. Similarly, the person I spoke to most often in the playground when my oldest was in primary school was the grandmother of one of his class mates. We were friends-genuine friends-for years afterwards, she was a complete scream yet old enough to be my own grandmother. I always think that a shared sense of humour has no age limit.

Isn't the world a bit too full of judgement and prejudice to be applying it to the age at which people become parents?

Great post baker

That's so sweet the baker I remember when I was in hospital, after giving birth to DS. I was feeling depressed, sad, I had no flowers, no congratulations. I was a disappointment who shouldn't be happy that her new born baby was born.

A lady in the next cubicle ( I sort of befriended her young daughter who told me that her mum was a young parent ). Any who as the lady was about to go home she told her daughter to pick up a flower (from her bouquet ) and give it to me. It was the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I cherished that rose and cried when it died .

Not at all. I run playgroups and have noticed that younger mums are often more relaxed about parenting, they just get on with it. I often wish that older first time mums (like myself) could be more like them, and stop worrying about every single little thing. (Broad generalization, I know, but have felt this on more than one occasion).

I think there are pros and cons for having children early and late. And I don't care about your choices/reasons either. We just do what we gotta do to get through the day.

The main thing is that parents support each other the best way we can.

I don't judge as such, but I would be lying if I said I didn't wonder how they had come to make the particular set of life decisions they had. However, I am very live and let live so as long as they seemed to genuinely care for their baby and were making decisions based on the babies best interests then I wouldn't bat an eyelid.
As for being friends with them, I wouldn't exclude the idea based on her age. How thrilling a 16yo would find a friendship with 40yo me is somewhat dubious and I suppose vice versa. I certainly wouldn't want to exclude her from say a coffee after baby group, simply on the basis that she's a teenager.

Honestly, I think we all make judgements based on first impressions; its human nature. I would, however, make a conscious effort to not allow any judgments hinder finding out what a person is really like. In fact, it would make me more inclined to speak to a person, to make sure they didn't feel like the world was against them.

We should never act on our first assumptions.

At 16 I enjoyed reading and going to mesuems. As well as a lot of other things that many 16 year olds are typically know for.

I don't see how she has anything to do with it.

I personally wouldn't invite any under 18 to a place they couldn't go like a pub or 18 rated movie, but for a coffee and cake why not.

If a friendship forms it does, but you never know until you actually get to know the person outside of baby groups.

I don't understand the people saying oh, we'd have nothing in common. Oh, I'm much more boring.

I was just 20 when I had my DD, and felt very excluded because people would be polite and shallowly pleasant but I knew it wouldn't occur to them that we might be friends.

I like playing board games, reading extensively, crafting, and other old-lady pursuits. Why on earth would I think someone older than me would be boring?

It does leave you in the lurch regarding support systems. I had no friends my own age, no family (contributing to the whole young mum thing) and the baby club crew wrote me off on sight (I do look about 14, 15 on a good day).