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Original poster

Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

420 replies

Willialwaysbelookeddownon · 24/01/2017 15:25

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

OP posts:
Viviene12 · 24/01/2017 16:27

I'm mid thirties and do not judge. By the time they get to my age their kids will be off to uni and they will have their life back.
I would include them in coffee etc invitations. I always worked with people much older than me and it shows at the moment - I really crave some young thinking.

wifeyhun · 24/01/2017 16:28

Nope I was 19 when I was pregnant with my first. Loved being a young mum.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 24/01/2017 16:28

What January said

WaitrosePigeon · 24/01/2017 16:28

I would only judge if they weren't very good parents. Same as any age.

QueenofallIsee · 24/01/2017 16:29

I was a Mum at 19, not planned though I was married at the time - I don't recall being treated badly but I had a lot of family support. I would not judge a teen mother with a baby, it happened to me and can happen to anyone.

I actually have to give my head a wobble when I come across SAHM's with 2 or more in their early 20's...It is nothing to do with me, but there is a voice in my head saying 'Why on earth would you want that so young'. I wouldn't have chosen it myself you see. My issue and not theirs though

Catsize · 24/01/2017 16:29

I have the utmost respect for young parents. Especially with the pressure to abort, the prejudice suffered from those who do judge them adversely etc.

I wish I'd had my children 20 years ago in many ways - I'd have them in my life for 20 years longer.

SasBel · 24/01/2017 16:29

No, but I would not be looking for friendship with them. I am 22 years older! My friends are generally the same age as me, and teen relatives don't speak to me unless they have to, so why would teen mums? Confused

Itsafunnyoldgame · 24/01/2017 16:30

I was a teen mum, he's 21 with this year,so no I wouldn't judge.

WaitrosePigeon · 24/01/2017 16:30

They would because they have children in common with you.

SirChenjin · 24/01/2017 16:30

Depends. If they work and are in a LTR with someone who also works then no (although I would do that with anyone - if you have no discernible means of raising a child/ren then don't have one)

However, there are 3 girls who used to be in DD's year (aged 16/17) - none of them work, and all have posted endless FB messages about their pregnancies, the fact that they are all planned, the fact that they are so pleased to be mums (no ambition to do anything else), how the daddies (also similar ages) are so happy too...yeah, I judge.

Christmascrackedit · 24/01/2017 16:31

X post niskayuna is daddy still in the picture. People are so condescending aren't they!!

glitterazi · 24/01/2017 16:32

I came on to say no, I don't, then read the poster who said about a girl having a baby at 15. FIFTEEN.
That means getting pregnant at 14, and that's the age of some of the children in ds' class.
The thought of anyone getting pregnant in his year is Sad
They're children, and they look like it too.

Original poster
Willialwaysbelookeddownon · 24/01/2017 16:32

JanuaryMoods you would heavily judge me then, I relied solely on benefits whilst I finished my A-levels and completed a gruelling, no salary internship.
I didn't think money troubles (also didn't find out until I was 19 weeks pregnant) was a valid reason to abort my baby.
Our financial situation is very different these days, but I wouldn't have been able to complete education or pursue the nature of career I have if benefits weren't available to me.

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 24/01/2017 16:33

I don't judge teen mothers at all on their mothering or their choice to have the child. I would be polite and talk to them. But I wouldn't expect any 17 year old to want to be friends with me
This!
I was 32 and 35 when I had my two. I am not sure why having babies at the same time would make me want to be friends with somebody half my age.
I would not be rude. I would not judge. But it would be hard to have a meaningful friendship. And I'm sure the teenager would feel the same way.

tabulahrasa · 24/01/2017 16:36

"Most people on here wouldn't judge. But people "on the outside" judge all the time."

They definitely do, I was 17 when I had my eldest and people make assumptions like January just did, that I must be single and on benefits... I wasn't either of those, nor did I work, thanks, my DC's dad supported us Hmm

Once I wish I'd actually got the chance to say something to someone, I went to the post office, and while I went up to the counter left DS with my 14 year old sister over where there was more room for the peak, I came back to find her really upset, somebody had actually walked up to her and told her that she was disgusting and shouldn't be allowed out in public Angry

It upset her enough with him being her nephew, I can't imagine how horrific stuff like that must be when it is your baby.

Chipsahoy · 24/01/2017 16:38

I was pregnant at fourteen, not by choice. I was judged. People sneering at me and calling me all sorts of names. Unfortunately I lost the baby, so no judgement from strangers..

I was judged a lot when I had ds1 at 24. I look really young and I like a pp was asked if the dad was still in the picture. All the babu groups I tried were full of mums in their 30s and 40s. None of them spoke to me.

I wouldn't judge a teenager who is pregnant or with a baby. Who is anyone to judge anyone else? I dont know someone's life story or nor have I been in their exact circumstances.

BiBi8 · 24/01/2017 16:39

People saying they have nothing in common with a young mum - I'm 22 and a mum of two with a mortgage and all that comes with being an older mum too. Surely going through the same life experiences gives you loads in common

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 24/01/2017 16:40

The OP asked for honest opinions and mine is that I have no interest in forming a friendship with someone half my age. When I had my children I had been married for over ten years, been working for nearly twenty, I had a degree, I had travelled the world and I enjoyed chatting to, and making friends with, people who had at least some of that experience in common

Actually, the OP asked "So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16", which is quite different to asking whether you'd want to make friends with them. And that's what my post was regarding: People who would avoid speaking to a teenager at a mother/baby group.

So my point was just that you don't need to be particularly similar in age or interests to be able to engage in friendly conversation at a weekly event. (I also wasn't directing it solely at you, just a few of the replies in general). I speak to teenagers regularly and we always have fun and have plenty to talk about, even though I'm 31 and married with a house and a kid and a degree and I've travelled the world.

chipsandchilli · 24/01/2017 16:40

My dm had just turned 16 when i was born and my DDad had just turned 15 mid 70's. She was treat horribly at the hospital and done it all by herself as they wouldn't even let anyone stay outside the room nevermind go in with her. Dps are still together now but it is a bit weird in later life having a Ddad thats that close in age to you, never noticed as much when i was younger

Mammylamb · 24/01/2017 16:41

I used to, yes. Then I became a mum and saw how hard it was (and that's with the benefit of a supportive husband, support from my mum and in laws, a decent enough income and respect from society). Every teenage mother I know has done a brilliant job despite the odds being against them. It's not what I would choose to do, but I certainly wouldn't judge

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/01/2017 16:41

Honestly? No. Never on age.

The only thing I would judge a parent (of either sex) on is their actual parenting. By which I mean, how they treat their child - not daft incidentals like Fruit Shoots or jumpers that say "Princess" on or anything Wink.

fleuricle · 24/01/2017 16:42

No.
I knew a girl at school who was pg at 12, 13, and 14 (I think SS stepped in after 3 abortions) this was the 1970's.
and another girl, who had twins at 14.
Did I judge them? No.
they were quite different.
the first girl had an awful home life, I believe.
the second girl had a steady boyfriend but her mum had encouraged things and was pleased about the babies. Girl wasn't ready for twins
but she made a good job of a hard situation.

I wouldn't judge a girl of 16 who did plan a baby.
Or a woman of 50.
I had my 2nd at 39 and my Mother was horrified that I was 'too old' Hmm

OP, any chance you could offer the local teenage mum a coffee and befriend her?
she might not need it of course, but it would be a kind thing to do.

BiBi8 · 24/01/2017 16:42

As a young mum I only judge bad mums. There were plenty of them having babies at the same time as me (19 the first time around, 22 the second) and the majority were not ready and were crap parents for it. But I've also met loads of older mums that are crap too.

Nothanksdear · 24/01/2017 16:42

No

ShoutOutToMyEx · 24/01/2017 16:42

No, I would never judge a teen mum negatively. But I would probably think that things might be a bit more difficult for her.