Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

Other people mess around in their lives until they are nearly 40 before having a career, spouse, house

Shit - I'm 46 and only have the career

MrsMarigold not that there is anything wrong with being working class, at all, but I would be on paper considered middle class. Both parents have a morgage, university educated blah blah. Same with DP.
And actually I know a girl recently who had a baby at 18 who is honestly the most middle class person I have ever met. I'm talking very expensive boarding school and well known parents within their field.

To the PP who said could I invite girl on the road for a coffee, I have indeed. She has also been given a shit load of baby clothes and books! She's very sweet. Now we probably won't be great friends as we are very different. Nothing to do with age but I certainly make an effort with her and she does with me, and I enjoy the relationship we have.

I don't judge, but I do wonder. I live in (but am not from) a deprived area where having a baby young is not unusual. Whilst I am partly in awe of anyone coping with a baby at all, let alone as a teenager, I do get curious as to whether they had any other aspirations (lacking round here purely because staying local and doing little is inherited by many). The idea that being a mother is the only thing they are for makes me a little sad.

My Ds's teacher got caught out in the sixth form and has gone on to be one of the most ambitious young ladies I have had the pleasure of knowing. I saw a precis of her cv/achievements when she moved school -wow she is a super woman sporting, musically, interlectually, Shes in a stable relationship, she owns her own house and her DS is the brightest kid in the class. She's a walking success story that could teach us all not to judge. Honestly I'm more likely to not think highly of that kid who's fathers day card stayed in his bag and never got taken out, who needs dental hospital treatment aged 6 and who brings him to school late most days

I would do my best to make your neighbour feel like she had a friend. Not sure if she would want a friend the age of her grandma though! I wouldn't judge at all.

There is nothing wrong with being working class and getting pregnant as a teenager can happen to anyone, but being a teenage mum is more prevalent among the working and lower middle classes. FWIW I used to live in a very affluent area of West London where loads of kids go to private schools and abortion rates for teenagers in that area were through the roof.

There's a big difference between "being friends with" and "being friendly with". If you can't do the latter with people of different ages, backgrounds, personalities, beliefs, genders, etc. then you have pretty serious social issues.

And the it's also certainly all I've ever done at "mother/baby groups" and the like. I've never gone with the aim of making deep and lasting friendships.

I don't believe either that just having kids is enough common ground to build a friendship. Yes polite, yes smile and nod and polite conversation but no invites for coffee and days out with mothers young enough to be my daughter.

I've never judged a mum on their age and never will.

I've not had kids (through choice) and I'm an old fart now but babies and toddlers do seem to like me and some of the best conversations I've ever had are with young mums on public transport. One young girl even had a cry on the way up to London as I was the only person who had bothered to talk to her the entire journey and not give her dirty looks. (her baby was the happiest little bundle ever).

It's how you act with your children and others that should count.

I wouldn't judge but at 39 when I had my first I'd probably not be making friends with a 17 year old due to being old enough to be her mother and having little in common.

I don't have many mummy friends but those I have naturally gravitated towards have all been 35ish plus.

That said I would always be friendly and polite to 17 year old

Not on the basis of age. If I saw her wallop the children or even worse, feed them a Greggs sausage roll or a fruit shoot I'd be likely to judge (I jest).

I've talked to all sorts and mother & Baby groups and made all sorts of friends. I love meeting new people.

Just being a parent isn't enough to base a friendship on, it's usually similar age, values, interests etc.

Like Breezy, I do wonder re aspirations as so many seem to have none despite schools doing all they can to educate both sexes for a future career. I also wonder about the child as most teens aren't financial secure, won't have a career or even a job and relationships at the age rarely last.

My mum was a teen mum. She had my sister when she was 17 and she had me when she was 22.

So no I don't judge them. That would be stupid as both my parents have always been amazing parents.

Also it's how you act as well. I've most probably very little in common with people of my age group but can talk to my friends of my age group about "kitchen wish lists" and other things like political matters but I can hold my own on nerdy subjects with my godson and his mates in their late teens/ 20's (unless it about music.. all new music is crap and as an old fart I am allowed that view!).

All you need to do is find one thing in common/ of interest with another person and you are half way there.

Nobody is going to admit to judging teenage mothers, it's hardly cool is it. But I know that no matter how positively we can all speak about a young mother that we know, and no matter how friendly or intelligent the young mother at the school gate might be, none of us want early parenthood for our own children. That to me suggests that we might not be quiiiiite as right on as this thread suggests.

Bitchpeas - I'm not looking to get into an argument with any individual on here. Clearly you are somebody who is 'trying to prove a point'. Especially with a screen name like that... The OP asked a question on here and I was merely providing an honest answer. Now chill out. Thanks.

Nope because I am one I was 17 just turning 18 when ds (4) was born , 20 when dd (18 months) was born and think I cope really well (own house dp works so I'm a sahm) but ds also has special needs and I'm so glad I had him young because I have loads of energy and by god do I need it running round after them loads of hospital appointments etc

*Just being a parent isn't enough to base a friendship on, it's usually similar age, values, interests etc.

Like Breezy, I do wonder re aspirations as so many seem to have none despite schools doing all they can to educate both sexes for a future career. I also wonder about the child as most teens aren't financial secure, won't have a career or even a job and relationships at the age rarely last.*

How would you know they don't have similar values and interests?

I don't judge teem mums as there are some older mums who are awful. People get caught an unexpected babies arrive at any age, some younger than others. I can see your point about the baby groups, we naturally gravitate towards people who are more similar to us and agevos one of those obvious things. Maybe older people don't feel that they will have anything in common with someone much younger than them and that there is to it. There is a very young teen mum at one of my sure start classes nobody was speaking to her so I thought I would. She is a nice girl and a really good mum to her little boy. The fact that she comes to the group says to me that she wants the best for her son. She is so lonely and un confident but the thing that we all have In commo is that we have kids. My heart goes out to her, can't imagine how she must be feeling.

The oldest mother on our playground is in her late fifties. She is an alcoholic and lives on benefits, despite having her only child in her 40's.

Age isn't the only determining factor for being a good parent.

No, I don't judge teen mums, having first become a mum myself at 19. I didn't get much outright judgement, but I got a lot of people who didn't bother getting to know a mum who was much younger, which in a very middle class area amounted to being pretty much shunned!

Fortunately they were a couple of people who saw I was lonely, came to speak to me and are now very very good friends, even though they're over a decade older.

I hope you find some like minded souls too OP

Yes, I would judge if I'm honest. It's irresponsible getting pregnant at that age when you can't support a child yourself. I'm 40 and when I was a teenager, my friends and I were well aware how to avoid getting pregnant. I am probably projecting how I'd feel because it would have ruined my life to have had a baby as a teen.

Yes I would judge them on their decision making and intelligence at that age. I wouldn't be unkind though. I also wouldn't think that I would gave a lot in common with someone who is 20 years younger although I wouldn't actively shut them out.

Before I get flamed: the only teen mums I know are the very a-social type. Some might be very intelligent, nice and good mums but I haven't met them yet.