Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

Ooooops Apple..........I had a message from Mumsnet stating the site had crashed due to traffic, thus the duplicate posts! Absolutely did not mean for that to happen!

EnglishRose34

What a horrible response to my comment and completely unnecessary. I joined this conversation merely to abate any unfair inferences regarding teenage mothers. Having been a teenage mother myself, my experience of how others negatively perceived me was unfair at the time.

Apologies if my punctuation warranted a response from you stating I 'wasn't the sharpest tool in the box!' what an irrelevant observation.

Thankfully my thesis and subsequent papers warranted a funded Phd.

I was writing a response on my new phone. And yes. I am all fingers and thumbs with it.

My Dh has an extremely specialist career, and his 'work' is very much universally recognized. All from starting as a 'runner' in the industry 20yrs ago. He is not some 'chav'. And what an odd western 'slang' concept you have aligned your beliefs on.

Personally you respect people who went to University? I respect anyone who is kind and a good person.

Did you try inviting anyone for coffee Rixera? If not, were you not making just as many assumptions? Tbh I don't think I know how to do anything but polite shallow chat in these circumstances, so if too many people used that criterion I'd have been stuck too.

SongForSal I think I love you every response to English has been dignified and intelligent in response to her ranting and insults.

Cat, yes I did- I really did try, once I'd had the same 'oh look we have babies they are wearing nice clothes' chat twice a week or more for several months with the same mums I thought I'd invite for coffee/park visits/play dates.

No takers and when after 6 months or so they all came in one monday morning talking about the lovely time they had that weekend going to do some pottery handprint thing together I just gave up. I could have understood if they already knew each other, but they all joined at the same time as me, with our babies all born within weeks of each other. Many FTM's but I was treated like I had no idea what I was doing.

I've been going to the same group for two years now. Not one meeting outside of that or proper chat. It used to bother me but now I see how gregarious DD is I'm not worried, she'll make friends at school.

No I wouldn't judge but at 37 I doubt I'd have anything in common with someone so much younger than me but I'd be polite and make small talk

Rixera You sound just like me! I'll be your buddy.

We had a 18 year old in our coffee group. When we went out for days out she just came with us in one of our cars. rix really sorry you have found this.

Interestingly, I was talking to a man about this years ago (pretty powerful in UK politics) and he reckoned that the two best outcomes for women are:

1. To have children younger as you can then focus on your career without interruption after you've got the early years out the way.
2. Do it really late when you are completely established.

However, he reckoned the 30 something mum is in the worst possible position, in terms of returning to work and excelling in her career thereafter. Obviously, the overall productivity of the female population is completely dependent on good affordable flexible childcare.

Perhaps it's the area I live in but the younger mums round here are far from isolated and alone at Playgroups/the school gate. There are plenty of them so whilst we all chat to each other they really don't need me to generously bestow my friendship upon them. They have their own friends! They also don't need me to patronise them by taking them under my wing. They are sorted and very together. Round here the young mums are the ones with immaculately turned out kids.

This natural gravitation towards your own age group is far from one sided. I am yet to be asked out for coffee/a playdate by an 18 year old. Similarly there are lots of grandparents at our Playgroups and they also tend to stick together. Not unpleasantly - again, we chit chat but they have formed their own friendships.

I don't judge them, no, but I do wish they'd wait a little longer. My mum was married at 16 to my dad who was 18, and my mum had two children before she was out of her teens.

She had 4 by the age of 24, the age I was when I had my first. They did well enough, but it was kids raising kids really.

They're still together though.

I really don't understand some of you. Like I posted earlier, I'm 26 now but some of my best friends are in their 40s. I have more in common with them than many people my own age. We all have children/husbands/jobs and houses to run. Many people my age still live with their parents! I don't see them as being older than me, just as friends. This thread has made me feel awful. It's lovely to know that some strangers (who know nothing about me) feel sorry for me and judge me just because I had my children at a young age.

I couldn't give a flying monkey how old you are when you have kids. It's none of my business

No not judge but I find it hard to understand why someone would have a baby at that age.
Tbf I also think in many situations I wonder why people have a baby when it's nothing to do with their age.

Not RTFT but I agree with itsbetter. I don't really judge but always wonder when people in certain situations - I.e teenage mothers, people who don't have the money or are struggling with money prior to a baby or people who don't engage with the baby they have (just to name a few examples). Have children. Birth control is free - I also wonder why they didn't have an abortion, simply because of the situation they are in or are bringing a child in.

It's not easy to have an abortion

Oh I know that, I'm not saying it is by a long mile - but in some situations it must be easier/more practical than raising a child (or the morning after pill etc.) I'm in the UK were abortion isn't illegal so cannot speak for other countries etc.

My post comes across pissy - I didn't mean it to be, apologies.

Don't worry about it! :) I more so think about that with people who have kids but don't bother with them, rather than teenage mums. Teenage mums can be great at parenting, however I know people who have kids in their 20/30s and just leave them in their crib to ''play'' but by themselves, don't teach the kid anything, don't spend time with it and I just think why did you bother? Its more about how the child is treated and the attitude of the parents for me, rather than age.

BiBi8- is your name a star wars reference by any chance? I'm always up for a new buddy :D

As to the why;
Everyone has their own reasons for having children. I was told I was infertile, had been living with my OH for a few months and went to the doctors when I simply couldn't shake this mysterious sickness bug...
By then it was too late for an abortion but I wouldn't have had one anyway. This little miracle shouldn't have existed due to my fertility issues, and yet she clung on to life. I was warned she could have physical problems, could arrive any moment after 22 weeks, and yet she stayed put for the whole 9 months and emerged perfect with eyes wide open.

She gave me a reason to sort out my MH issues, to break up with my messed up family once and for all, and to work with my OH to ensure both of us were in the best place possible to raise a child. Which I think we accomplished.