Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

Don't be absurd BiB a 17 year old is a child.

They're a teenager, not a child. HTH.

I've got a dd who recently celebrated her 18th and she has been driving herself to school for over 6 months, has a part time job and hasn't been a child for a very long time.

I've seen both sides.

DS is only 1 so very recent memories. I'm from a 'well off' family, had a good education and a stable job. I was a month off my 19th birthday when I had DS. NCT group in my town as amazingly welcoming and I have truly made some friends for life, a few of who are 35+ but we get on brilliantly and still meet up now we are back at work. Young parents group was awful, I was the only one who had a job and wasn't entitled to any benefits and I was made to feel awful about "how could you leave your baby to go to work when you could get paid for being at home with him" this is the exact reason I think young parents get bad press. Some people truly see it as a ticket to a house and a few years of money without working, I made one friend at that group who I now no longer speak to due to her attitude towards work.

People did judge me, people didn't judge me. Lots of people assumed he wasn't planned. Some people do plan to have chickens young, I did. And for what it's worth I have a mortgage, a car, a career, a fiancé and I'm doing on OU degree.

Im 16, single mam and live with my dad who is amazing. I do everything i can for my son, most of my friends get annoyed when i say i cant go out or i dont wanna go out in the evening because i would rather stay in a be a mother, and i think its unfair considering thats what being a mothers about. Ive never been treated badly as such but some people do give me funny looks and my response has always been, i love my son exactly the same as someone loves their child when they're 30, 50 or 90. I wouldnt change him for the world and im not being big headed but i do a pretty damn good job of being a mam. My mother was 19 and 36 when her and my dad had me and my brother, both of us dont speak to her because shes an awful mother. We've always lived with my dad and we've always just had one parent, it just goes to show that just because im 16, doesnt automatically mean i might be a bad mother. Im a better mother than my mam was and she was 20 years old than me. Im a better mother than some of the people i know who are 40 odd and dont give a crap about their kids. I see adults screaming at their kids saying they're going to kill them and slapping them, and all i think is how can you say that to your child. Sometimes if my boy isnt very well or hes teething, my dad will go down and make his bottle or go and get a teething toy from downstairs, so that i can stay with harley and try to calm him down because he calms down best when hes with me, but i do everything else. I wake up countless times in the night, i make his bottles, i change his nappy, i take him for walks when my dads working, i bath him, i read him a book everynight, i tidy away his toys before my dad comes home, i spend all of my money on him, i kiss him goodnight every single night, because im his mam and thats my job. Its not a chore and i dont complain about it because i love doing it, i love looking after my son and would never let anyone else do it for me just because i was "tired" or wanted to go out for the night. 16, 36 or 86 i'm my sons mother and i do as good a job as anyone else does. He loves me like everyone else loves their mother and i love him unconditionally like anyone else of any age loves their son

I went to school with a girl who had her DD when she was 14. She is one of the best mothers I know and the bond she and her DD have is incredible.

I had my DD at 20 and felt really judged all the way through my pregnancy. I just used to cover up my bump with baggy jumpers. It made me realise how judged the girl at school must have been and brave she was to carry on going and not just hide at home.

No never . I judge crap mothers . Can't stand them lol selfish lazy boggers but never due to age . When I had my first child I was young ish but I looked about 17.... I got judged because of this at the doctors, baby groups (never went back ), by a health visitor and even getting on a regular bus the driver wouldn't pull up to the kerb or lower the bus yet did for all other mums with prams?!
Really upset me because my DD is my life and like to think I was a brilliant mum, she has always come first yet I was treated like scum.

I've just remembered, when I was pregnant with my first DC I was 30 but still looked very young (not anymore unfortunately). I was wearing a black shirt and white top and was walking at the same time the local secondary school finished, and I got some abuse off an older lady for my 'teenage' pregnancy.

My friend who got pregnant at 18 continued to university and managed to get a first and an award from the uni, while exclusively breastfeeding her baby and working. I certainly couldn't have managed that. Another girl I know from school who had her first baby at 15 is now in her 30s and studying for a degree and working to support the homeless, as well as being happily married. Anyone who judges is foolish.

I find this thread really interesting, every one is denying it, yet it does go on

I never noticed it whilst I was pregnant, but when I gave birth, I noticed a real attitude to some of the hospital staff towards a young first time mother. I noticed it quite a bit when I was a teenage mother, playgroups, school gates etc and it was always women.

Often I would get asked how old I was when I had my son. (I still do now when people see us together ) and this is only ever asked for one reason...

i'm sorry you experienced this OP, and I would only judge kindly tbh.
The best mums I knew were the teens, they had time and energy to run about with their dc.
far better than an over weight stressed out middle aged mum with no time for her kids.
I'm not saying all mums are like this btw, but having met several used them as a less attractive parent than the teens I know/knew.
OP, I think it would be lovely to befriend this mum even if just for a coffee and to offer an ear as you have been there.
You sound a very caring person

BiBi8, I take part in plenty of mixed-age activities (music, dance, community action etc) and in every single one of those activities there are safeguarding policies which apply to everyone involved who is under 18. They count as children, and need all sorts of parental permission to do stuff, and it would be absolutely out of the question for an older adult group member to casually ask them along to a social activity. Many of the older people there will have similar experiences.

I had my DS at 17, and was judged everywhere I went. My midwife was rude to me, the person doing my scan clearly didn't have time for me, people at work made comments about me, and at mother and baby groups mums would refuse to speak to me or have my DS play with their DC. I could never understand it, my DS has always been a lovely boy, he's not really naughty and plays nicely with other children. Luckily when my DS started going to school I made a group of mum type friends who were not bothered in the slightest by my age. My friends never disowned me, but they all went to uni and have only just started having children, so it was very lonely. Make friends with the young mum, I'm sure she will be grateful for some kindness!

FizzBombBathTime

I'll try parenting them, thanks.

All the people insisting that women in their 30s should be friends with 17 year olds just because they have a baby, please answer this one question: should women in their 30s/40s date 16-18 year olds? If not, why?

I didn't say anyone should, Broomstick?
Of course they are children on paper but in real life, when they're living as adults it's just being a goady fucker to continue referring to them as children.

No one has said anyone has to do anything. Jesus, this is hard work. It's not hard to comprehend that some teenagers are living as adults and should be respected as such. That's it. End of. Don't judge them, pretend that you know better than them, assume things about their actions, just keep your beaks out. Simple.

No. I'd only judge a mum that I could see for myself was abusing their child.

It wouldn't be appropriate to have a sexual/intimate relationship with a 16 yr old, but friendship and supportive, platonic relationships are completely different in nature.

I have friendships with all sorts of people who I wouldn't have met if I didn't have children. Being a parent to young children often means you have enough in common to be friends, or at least friendly acquaintances.

bib well said

"All the people insisting that women in their 30s should be friends with 17 year olds just because they have a baby"

It's not about being friends, it's the fact that you're assuming you'd have nothing in common with them, that you're insisting they're children and that somehow you're at different life stages even though actually at any age, mother of a small child is a life stage.

There's a huge difference between being friendly and friends.

You seriously couldn't do small talk about teething, weaning, lack of sleep and other things like that over a coffee just because someone was younger than you?

Apple you're just sounding a bit hysterical now. No one said people in their 30s should persue 16 year olds.

The point was that there are a few on this thread assuming they would have nothing in common with younger mothers, purely because they are younger. How could anyone possibly know that?

Let me answer. They don't know, they're being ignorant.

HTH.

No I wouldn't judge. I've met some fabulous young mums and some questionable older ones. I'd judge people on what they do, not on their age etc. But, yes I do judge a bit on stuff like how people talk to their kids, or when they just ignore them.

What I think might be hard in baby groups is, some are a bit cliquey. Maybe sometimes this means a teenage mum feels left out. I know when I was 17-18 I would never have had the confidence to make small talk with a 30-something professional mum, who probably lives in quite a different world. Maybe some older mums would find it a struggle to chat to a teenager. I suppose in baby groups we need to go out of our way to make people welcome.

The original question was would you speak to a young mum, which is different from being their friend.
There's no excuse for rudeness and unkindness and every HCP should be reported if that's their stance, but we do all have our own criteria for our friends and that's completely ok

I was pregnant at 18 and had ds1 when I was 19. Never felt judged but then I always looked older than my age. At uni they all thought I was a mature student! Now ds1 who is 15 tells me I look really young compared to his friends mums!
I have a 5 month old baby now and honestly will never think to judge another mum just because of her age.

GetALifeCheckCarl no one is being absurd. When you become a mother in your teen years you are told by everyone that you are 'an adult now' so we make all the sacrifices necessary to be a (good) mum, to then have people such as you declaring we are children.
I was raised fairly liberally and was allowed to do a lot of 'adult' things in my teenage years so no, I wasn't a child when I gave birth - the same way every other woman did, I wasn't a child when I breastfed my child, I wasn't a child when I got my son up and dressed every morning and took him to nursery so I could then go to finish my education.