Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

I'm quite amused by the idea that associating with young parents makes people more likely to become young parents themselves. My friends who are my age adore and dote on my daughter and have done since I was pregnant with her, but if my story of tearing during the birth wasn't enough to put them off, the rings around my eyes in early morning lectures certainly was funnily enough she's almost three and none of them have expressed any desire to have a child any time soon.

I agree with portia really. Things happen.
It doesn't always go to plan.
I don't think it's fair to judge people really. It's like "Keeping up appearances"

You might be successful but what if you become ill and therefore fall down the career ladder? Do you expect your child to be less desirable as a playmate?

I had my first DD at 18. I went to an ante natal group where the next youngest after me was 32!
There were 15 of us, all expecting our first babies.
But they were amazing ladies, they made me feel welcome, included me in coffee dates and later going out for dinner etc.
We're still all friends now, 17 years later. Now we meet up to talk about university applications rather than nappies and weaning, but they've been there for me every step.

Those posters saying they wouldn't make an effort to befriend a teen mum because you have nothing in common - of course you do! Having dcs the same age is a huge thing to have in common, and you could be missing out on a brilliant, mutually beneficial friendship. (My group have always said I keep them young and down with the kidz! Although not so much now I'm 35! )
I'll always be so grateful to them all for treating me just like any other mum.
So no, I don't judge, and there ARE plenty of lovely people out there who don't either.

I'd also like to add that I am still friends with the same group I've had since school, and, whilst they were all very supportive and were happy to babysit etc, none of them had children young. In fact most of them have toddlers/babies now, so they waited quite a long time after me!

I find it bizarre that some posters seem to think it's infectious somehow!

I really really don't.

I had my first at 26, buy a few relatives/friends have been 16/17. Most were fabulous mothers.

One cousin and one friend were 'shit' mums by their own admission. Too selfish, more interested in men, out every weekend and most weeknights partying etc.

I don't thing that was purely due to their age though, that was just their personality (I've also known a woman well into her 40's like that!)

Willialwaysbelookeddownon

You're kidding, right? You understand that people in life work hard and can't afford private school? The fact that your parents "scraped by" to afford private school doesn't really mean anything.

Apple no I'm not kidding. You made an assumption about my upbringing and I corrected you.
Ofcourse I understand that. I worked hard and my DP works very hard - we wouldn't be able to afford it.
I also think it's stupid to scrimp on everything else in life for the sake of private school but my mum seriously believed it was the only way. This was also 10/15 years ago when living was quite as expensive as it is now.
I don't know why I'm justifying it, you're being judgemental again.

Middle class teens get pregnant just as often as the "chavs" Apple is judging, they just have terminations so no one knows (so told to me by a consultant obstetrician)

No they don't. Middle class teens get pregnant less but have abortions more. Still, they get pregnant less. That's what the stats say, despite the myths bandied about on this thread.

I guess that's the point. It seems like if you do something counter cultural (like become a teen mum), you have to believe all sorts of comforting lies about it in order to feel like it was the "best choice". Like, I could stand to lose some weight but according to this thread, I should be posting about how all the medical statistics are wrong and how actually skinny bitches are all wrong. I am happy to admit that being overweight isn't ideal but also doesn't make me a bad person but other people never do. They want their every decision to rendered optimal. They need to be heroes and better because they had a kid young.

That's the kind of reasoning I don't want my kids to engage in. I want them to take responsibility for their lives and decisions and not feel like they need to be fed a comfortable fantasy in order to protect their egos against "mean older mums".

Even if my children ended up in big fancy houses at 40, I still wouldn't have wanted them to get pregnant at 16. Even if they had beautiful homes and amazing art and went yachting around the south of France, I still wouldn't have wanted them to get pregnant at 16, even if it made them nicer and more empathetic, I still wouldn't have wanted them to get pregnant at 16.

Still, I think the best thing is for people who don't have any values in common to not spend time together.

Would I judge a teen parent. No I wouldn't as I was one myself. I had my DS when I was just 16 (pregnant at 15). I'm 22 now and I still get looks when I'm out in public with DS (doesn't help that he has SEN and he throws meltdowns in public ).

Honestly it does hurt, I feel like I'm constantly doing the walk of shame, putting my head down low, acting nervous when DS calls me "mum" in front of strangers. People go wide eyed when they see me with DS, ask personal questions, moving away from me, judging my intelligence etc.

It also hurts as people assumed that DS dad and I were just naive and had sex and oops I got pregnant. What they don't know is that my DS dad was highly abusive and I was highly pressured to have sex with him, to the point he would beat me up, emotional abuse me till I do the deed. I didn't want to have sex. Though I was naive that a guy would wait for me till I was ready.

All that doesn't matter as I love DS and glad his here.

I did manage to complete my studies. When back to do my GCSES when DS was 6 weeks old, then straight to to A- levels then to University (Graduated last year !) and now I'm waiting to see if I got into a Masters course this year to go into my dream job. I did this while single- handily raising a child with SEN who needed a lot of attention, many appointments, many therapies to go to. Shows I can handle the world .

I have friends who are in their late 30's over 40's. I mainly have friends who are much older than me though as the young mums who had their DCs older (19/20) judged me the most.

My DD got pregnant at 16 and had a beautiful little boy at 17. I think she did get judged and I certainly felt some quiet condemnation when I was out with her in later stages of pregnancy. I felt that people thought I was a bad mum as my daughter was pregnant whilst basically still a child herself. I think she is very isolated now as most mums at her sons school are a lot older than her so she pretty much left out as there is little to say to each other as age gap is so great.

Willialwaysbelookeddownon

I think you like to play the victim quite a bit.

You brought up your private school upbringing to try and imply that kids from "good" backgrounds got pregnant. Now you are trying to walk it back and imply that you actually came from a poor (scrimping and saving for private school!) background and got pregnant.

I don't think scrimping for private school makes you poor but you were the one who implied it, not me.

I guess that you feel very defensive about this decision still 15 years later which is another reason I wouldn't want my children to go through it. Everything has worked out for you, you claim, and you are still unhappy! I don't want my children to be defined by the things they did when they were 15.

Apple " I don't want my children to be defined by the things they did when they were 15".

You can base that on many scenarios.

Of course she would still be unhappy "Apple". She has worked hard despite having a child at a young age but still has to justify herself to people who have judged her: it's relentless. Imagine you've moved on and did well for yourself but unimportant people constantly reminding you what you did at a young age. It puts you down.

Level of deprivation is a fairly accurate predictor for teenage pregnancy rate. Among those teenagers who do fall pregnant, level of deprivation is a good predictor for choosing to continue the pregnancy. Educational outcomes for teenage mothers are poor, but educational outcomes for people growing up in poverty are poor irrespective of teenage parenthood.

And whilst it is true that teenage parents' children are more likely to become teenage parents themselves, this correlation disappears when social class is accounted for. In other words, teenage pregnancy is not catching.

If one judges others for teenage pregnancy one might as well judge them for their poverty and lack of life chances. A lot of the eyebrow raising teenage mums endure is classism and snobbery I think.

Yes i do i think commiting to go through pregnancy and raising a child is a pretty big deal, abortions are available and there is an increasing attitude of if you don't have the right set up you should abort, like that's pro-choice
So i judge anyone in the less then 'ideal' category as being fairly ballsy. As they are opening their lives and choices up to so much scrutiny.

I guess that you feel very defensive about this decision still 15 years later which is another reason I wouldn't want my children to go through it. Everything has worked out for you, you claim, and you are still unhappy! I don't want my children to be defined by the things they did when they were 15.

The OP might (or might not) feel defensive but I was in the same boat and really don't. I'm very philosophical about the whole thing-it happened, and due to wonderful support from my parents and my now husband and his family, it turned out very well. It could, obviously, have not, but then again I know plenty of people who have had children later, in established marriages and this has turned out badly. You just never know, do you? I don't think we disagree on that. The part of your post that makes me a bit sad/cross/non-plussed (one of those, I'm just not sure which, yet) is that I have never felt 'defined' by my teenage pregnancy because those around me never defined me that way and so, to be honest, it didn't really occur to me to define myself that way. I was defined in many ways by motherhood, yes, and that is a joyous definition, but not by the fact that motherhood came earlier than is planned.

I've never pretended that it was the 'optimal' choice but, equally, I genuinely can't see the justification of the judgement. I dread to think how it would have affected me if my parents had defined me by my pregnancy or if they hadn't given me the confidence to continue my studies (I'll admit my school were also great) or, worse, if I had been pushed into a termination I didn't want, especially once we had our younger sons. I am also very thankful that none of my friends' parents took the standpoint of not allowing their children to fraternise with me any more. Yes, I'm sure many were and I am even more sure there were some serious 'don't do what she's done' conversations but again, I felt an atmosphere of support and solidarity, demonstrated by the fact that my five closest friends at school remain my five closest friends now-sadly four since July.

I wasn't devoid of morals, I wasn't a 'chav' (incidentally, a horrendous word with nasty origins) but I did have sex with a lad I genuinely loved. I am thankful every day for him and for my parents and especially for my son.

Beautiful post baker

To the poster who posted the link to an Irish production poetry video on YouTube. Thank you. It reminds me of my struggles and achievements be g a young mum.

*of being

I think that re your baby groups experience - lots of mothers go to them out of duty feeling knackered and chaotic. I didn't even bother going. I didn't want to make chat with people after being up all night with a baby. So perhaps the people you saw were not at their best.

A girl at my school had a baby. She was a year older than me so I didn't know her that well but everyone in my year thought her baby was cute and that was the extent of it really. Nobody thought she was some sort of baddie. Maybe some of the stuck up parents did, I don't know. My mum never said anything about it, she might not have even known.

I think that some people sit in judgement because there are teens who deliberately get pregnant to get a flat. This is going back a few years but I knew a seventeen year old openly doing this. She was a friend of my db and he asked her if she was worried about paying for stuff and she said it'd be no problem as the government would pay for everything. Now clearly that isn't the case and she would be struggling financially doing this but anyway, it was a fairly poor attitude.

Anyway as mums most of us encounter people who judge, instruct and interfere. Just ignore!

Thebaker 10 years later. I'm still best friends with the girls who were there and supported me whilst being a teen parent at our school and my journey of being a mother. I'm glad their families didn't push them away from me. The families were ever so supported ( though I do suspect they were like "just don't get pregnant at that age".

Apple you're twisting my words whatever I say, you will argue.
I'm not claiming I was rich or poor. I've never said I was poor. We weren't thankfully, but ofcourse like most people we had hard times.
Also if you read correctly my children are still very young. 15 years ago was about my parents choosing to have me educated privately.
I hope your children aren't damaged by your prejudices.

Under 18's are children, I don't think children having children is something to be ignored or celebrated by society.

The chances of them having steady employment, a stable home etc are slim. Youth on their side isn't enough, children need more than just that.

Simply having a child in common isn't enough to make a friendship for many, at 13/14/15/16 what realistically are you likely to have in common with an adult? Most adults don't befriend children like that and seek out similar to themselves when establishing friendship groups.

I wouldn't judge their parenting ability, but I would tend to think they were boring to have settled for motherhood and not had more fun first.

Have fun trying to control what your 16/17/18 year olds do with their genitals, Apple

I lived for many years in the teen pregnancy hotspot that is Lambeth.
This has now changed due to the contraceptive implant. It was a poor area but not so much anymore.
Older teens are completely different from abused 13 year olds who have got pregnant due to parental neglect and sex abuse by boys. The latter was something we heard a lot about in relation to gangs.