Honestly do you judge teen mothers?

[Willialwaysbelookeddownon]

I had my first son a month before I turned 17, and despite really trying at mum and baby groups I was always shut out of conversations and never taken seriously. I was lucky that I wasn't dropped by any of my friends but they never had children of their own and I was quite often isolated.
I am now engaged, pursued the career I wanted and have another DS.
A girl on our road is pregnant at 16 and my heart very much goes out to her. She's seem so very lonely.
So my question is, do you judge young mums? Would you be less inclined to speak to a mum at a mother/baby group because they were say 16?

I had DS at 15 so never judge but I completely get what you mean with baby groups and people staring.

For the judgy posters above, I finished my GCSE's and A levels, have a degree and no debts, DS is at super-selective and doing brilliantly, none of my friends became teenage mums and I didn't have my 2nd til I was 20 (she's at private prep and also doing brilliantly)

It's not a choice I'd recommend, it's not what I had planned, I was raped, by a police checked adult, at an org

Sorry, phone posted befire I was done typing.

*organised event I was representing my school at.

I was 34 when I had my first but have the misfortune to look much younger. I had comments from strangers on public transport and even from midwives who didn't read my records properly about being a teen mum or drain on society etc. It was really embarrassing and I vowed never to judge a teen mother because they have enough pressures with motherhood without having their age used against them.

I wouldn't judge their parenting ability, but I would tend to think they were boring to have settled for motherhood and not had more fun first.

This is based on the assumption, of course, that everyone equates 'fun' in the same way. I would never have turned into a huge clubber or drinker I don't think but have always had huge amounts of fun both with school friends, my husband, other mums and people who are nothing like me in any way. It's a shame that people would limit their friendship circles using these parameters.

There is a lot of judging of teen mums. I had DS at 19 (I was on the injection so definitely not planned) sometimes these things happen. Midwives treated me like a child too.
I went to one baby group with him at the insistence of the hv and never went back, it was truly awful. Side looks, snide comments and general acceptance that because I was young I was somehow less of a mother.

Me and DP decided (We live together and both worked when i got pregnant with DS) when DS was 1 that we ultimately wanted 2 DC and may as well get the baby stuff out the way in one go so DD was born when I was 21.

We're working at it, saving for a deposit on a house and I'll go back to work when DD starts nursery. It's isolating and lonely when other mothers make young mothers feel inadequate and incapable based on age. My children are in a stable family, they are loved, looked after and want for nothing.

I'm much more confident this time actually I just don't even give a shit what judgemental people think and take both DS and DD to toddler group because they like it and it is good for them to mix with other kids.

Age is but a number - kindness is how I choose to judge people, and how I'll teach my children to judge people.

thebaker I agree with you. I have far more fun with my children than ever I did pre children!

The problem with judging is that it's done with the aim of feeling superior and the belief that it will not happen to you. There are all sorts of pitfalls that can occur in life. There but for the grace of God go I...is a saying I think is worth remembering.

No, I wouldn't judge on the fact that they were teen mothers.

But I would probably think they were a bit silly if I found out they had been actively ttc at 14, 15, 16 etc. But then I'd feel a bit sad for them that they felt that they were mini-adults at such a young age, if that makes sense?

I have a friend I met through work, who was a mum at 19. She does a few things I don't approve of - smokes, gives her DD lots of sweets etc - but she is fabulous mum in all other ways. I'm a typical older mum who worries about every decision and tries to give my DD the best of everything (not material stuff more emotional I guess) whereas my friend just lives her life and her DD is along for the ride. It's really amazing to watch, and her DD is confident, fearless and amazing.

I'm sure some people do judge teen mums.

But some judge working mums.
And some judge single mums.
Others judge gay mums.
Then there are the older mums, the mums of only children, the mums with big families...

Teen mums are not in some special sad category of being judged.

And the vast majority on this thread are saying they would not judge all things being equal.

And saying that they wouldn't have much in common with someone still at school and living at home, is not judging. It's just fairly obvious. Different life stages, experiences, expectations.

Similarly, saying teenage pregnancy isn't ideal is not judging the specific. It's just acknowledging the facts in general.

So we wouldn't have wanted to have a baby at 17, and I wouldn't want my DD ( who is 17) to have a baby now.

That doesn't mean I judge any individual based on that.

I am a fairly young mother. DD was born when I was in my early 20s. I have had a fair few judgey looks from people, as I look a lot younger (I'm now mid-twenties and look around 16/17) but no outright hostility. As a young parent, you do have to contend with a lot of judgement and so do often feel the need to justify your actions. When my DD was born, I had gained my GCSEs and A Levels, having attained very high grades, and had a place at a top 5 university, where I am still currently studying. I have aspirations, and I am incredibly motivated. Probably more so now I have DD. And so I completely understand the need to separate oneself from other young or teenage mums. There is a stereotype, and I have done everything in my power to combat it. My DD is academically a year ahead of herself, very active, is involved in extra curricular activities, eats healthily (for the most part) and is a very happy little girl. She wasn't planned but she was so, so wanted.

Being an older parent doesn't necessarily mean that you are a better parent. In actual fact, I have a close family member who was pregnant at the same time as me and told me my child would be "disadvantaged". She was 39 and now ships her DS off every single day, feeds him rubbish, and doesn't seem to have been ready for parenthood, even at 40.

With regards to younger parents not being "upmarket," I was privately educated, got excellent exam results, and come from a middle class family so I'm unsure about what the poster actually means by this.

Also, as a parent I don't really fit in with my university friends as we don't have a lot in common, and the older parents here have said that we wouldn't get on so I am a bit

And saying that they wouldn't have much in common with someone still at school and living at home, is not judging. It's just fairly obvious. Different life stages, experiences, expectations.

They're not saying that though. At 22 and a mother of a school age child and a one year old, I wouldn't have anything in common with young mothers still at school but I was one of them less than three years ago but I own my own home, have further education, have a job. It was phrased as a sweeping statement of not having anything in common with teenage mums but you can't judge that on a label, only on the person. My DC went to a very 'naice' private nursery and yes, I got shit from older mothers and snide comments but I put it down to jealousy really. I also had parents go out of their way to be kind, friendly and have had lots of play date invitations extended because they see past my age and see my ambition, achievement and determination instead. It's ridiculous to write off all teenage mothers as 'having nothing in common with you' when you don't know them.

BiB at 30 I had no friends who were 16/17.

Not because I was somehow against them or jealous . But because I had absolutely nothing in common with them.

And the fact of having a baby would not have been enough commonality to overcome that.

I wouldn't have been mean or rude. I wouldn't have judged their parenting based on their age.

But that's not the same as actively being friends with someone.

Not because I was somehow against them or jealous *. But because I had absolutely nothing in common with them.

And the fact of having a baby would not have been enough commonality to overcome that.*

No one said you had to be friends and I didn't say that you would have been jealous, I said the nasty, snarky comments stank of jealousy (of my age, of my achievements at a young age, that I dared to have the same things as them when they had deemed me unworthy'. Why not try and actually read my post?

The point is looking past the baby to the person. If they are living alone and supporting themselves then yes, they are in a very similar life stage to you regardless of their age. It's very shallow to take someone at face value and dismiss even talking or being polite to them because of their age. The same as if I shunned the other nursery Mums for being old.

I get on fine with the mothers at school who had babies in their teens and are now in their twenties. I get in fine with women my age who had babies in their teens.

But I think it's pretty rare for an adult in their thirties to have a meaningful, mutual friendship with a schoolgirl.

If I had a 16 or 17 year old daughter who was studying for her GCSEs or A levels who spent her free time socialising with adults in their thirties, I would be concerned. A 16 year old is still a child.

I think the stereotype is very outdated. I did meet a lecturer once who was researching teen pregnancy and the impact on work / life chances.
He said he has been surprised to find that those who did get pregnant early, far from having little success, they actually did far better than you would expect. They had an unbroken run at a career, which is far more effective than they mummy track of part time, juggling, act which we all seem to fall into.

I remember a couple of women who qualified at the same time as me discussing careers. I realised that they had a much easier path to navigate, than I did, as I was trying to factor in childcare!

My mum always said that she'd throw me out if I got pregnant as a teenager.

But a year or so ago she asked me if I really believed that as she would never have turned her back on her grandchild (and by extension, me). My father would have been appalled and horrified but then he would have been if it had happened in my early 20s when I was still a student as well.

Fortunately I got married, and was pregnant at 30. Not too young, not too old and inside wedlock. No embarrassment for anyone.

BiB how mamy 17 year olds with a baby are financially independent?

And even if they did have some way of doing that, they still would have nothing in common with the 30 year old me.

How could their life stage be the same as someone who had lived 13 more years? Someone who has been an adult for 12 years and lived accordingly will have little common ground with someone who is still a child.

I think you'd be surprised if you gave them a chance Carl instead of writing them off. I know plenty of 17/18 year olds who went into full time work, didn't live with their parents etc.

Surely common ground is your lifestyles. If they're paying a mortgage, working, socialising as an adult you would obviously have things in common. To say you have nothing at all, in the slightest in common is just a way of trying to put down younger but still responsible people. You don't have to be friends with these people, but don't act like they're from a completely different planet to you.

I never judge a mother based on age, after all my DM was only 18 having me. I definitely know what you mean though, I had DS at 25 and now 2 years in people still sort of shut me out of mum and toddler groups and I feel like an outsider amongst their cliques because I look very young and many people usually think I'm about 20-21.

Surely there'd be outcry if someone posted "I'm 22, AIBU not to want to talk to the older mums at school because they're all so much older than me and we have nothing in common"? There would be all the comments about "We're not on zimmer frames you know" and saying it's ageism (which it is).

Maybe I'm just weird or really bad at telling someone's age, but I'm happy to talk to whoever. I'm friends with ex-colleagues in their 40s.

"how mamy 17 year olds with a baby are financially independent?"

As in not supported financially by their parents? Every single one I've ever met...

You don't need to be "at the same life stage" to be friendly though which is what this thread is about. You may be the same age and not at the same life stage too.
I've rarely made best friends with other mums, but then I didn't always make best friends with people at uni (nothing in common) or school.

Oh i would never be anything less than friendly.

I'm the type who talks to everyone.

But I already have a gazillion friends I hardly have time to see. I'm not going to make new ones who are children.

"I'm friendly and don't judge!"
-continues to use antagonist language like children repeatedly-