Request from new neighbour

[Amber76]

We are due to move into a new estate in a few weeks. I've being going to baby groups in the area already to get to know people.

I met the neighbour whose garden backs onto ours. She seems very nice and our kids are similar ages. She asked me if it would be okay if her ten year old uses our garden as a shortcut to main estate. She is outside the estate in an older house which doesn't have a footpath outside it on the road. Her child seems lovely and her friends live in the estate.

I was caught off guard at the time and said i didn't mind but when I said it my dh later he said no way - what if child fell over wall? started bringing friends through?, etc. He's right and I'll have to tell her we're not okay with it. How can I do this nicely without causing tension before we even move in?

Sheldon it would have been cheeky if the neighbour put it that way but somehow I doubt it.

I don't think there is anything much to think about, tbh.The OP is under no obligation whatsoever to let members of the public use her private garden for anything. Indeed, there is significant potential for this to be detrimental to the OP.

That's it.

Jeez- next the neighbours will be parking on her drive.

And Teeth is 100% right thatif the OP is even considering this she needs to know where she stands re public liability etc.

I don't think you can really compare a friendly neighbours dropping round some calpol with a neighbour wanting free access for their child across a private garden whenever they fancy it.

I mean, twice a day in term time might be ok, but what about the summer holiday?
That's 6 long weeks of the child heading out to play, then back for a wee, back to play, back for lunch, back to play,back because they've fallen over, back to play, home for tea, back to play, going through with a mate/2 mates, taking a bike, a scooter.

I am really not mean, but if I buy a house with a private garden, then I expect it to be just that.

If it's your house and garden, why on earth would you let people wander through it? It's YOURS!
But if it was rented, then who cares?

Put some trellis on the fence to make sure there is no 'secret climbing' whilst you are out. Sounds like the kid has been doing this for some time and they are testing you.

How can it be anything but cheeky to ask a virtual stranger if your kid can shimmy over your fence & walk through your garden a couple of times a day?

Those who would ask-just why would you?

Why wouldn't you just tell your kid that they have to walk around?

I'd hate it. I really would. because I'm not averse to a bit of topless sunbathing in the summer - we aren't overlooked!

As long as people ask permission, as this woman has done, I don't see what the big problem is. In the OP's case I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't want my child climbing over a wall. But if there was a gate or no fence I might ask, but wait for a more judicious moment. But seeing as many people here would refuse because of privacy or 'what ifs' the moment is never going to be right, the neighbour might as well get it out of the way.

People can ask me things and I can say yes or no or 'okay for now, but let's see how it goes', which is what I said to a neighbour I didn't know very well who wanted to park his bike in my shed. I'd tell my husband but I'd expect him to agree to a trivial request. I wouldn't hide behind his refusal or make up lies about my insurers if I didn't want to do it. I'd just say I was sorry but I couldn't help.

Somebody said they'll be parking on the OP's drive next, like this was like moving tanks onto her lawn.

I don't have a drive but if I did and a neighbour asked to park on it I might say yes, because I don't have a car. If they offered to pay me £10 a day for my trouble I'd snatch their hand off. And obviously inform HMRC. If they then parked an old banger leaking oil or used my drive as a car lot I'd tell them the arrangement had come to an end. But why assume they would do that?

The worst that can happen with a polite request is that people will say no. And if you're the kind of person who asks politely, you would then say: 'Okay. Just thought I'd ask' and then as polite adults, you can both forget about it.

I agree there's no problem with a polite request, but I guess to me there are some things that you just don't ask.

This for me would be one of them.

I suppose it's too much of seeing someone elses property as yours some how.

I'd tell my husband but I'd expect him to agree to a trivial request

This isn't a trivial request, it has the potential to greatly impact the privacy of the OP and her family, as well as the potential for damage.

I see the OP has not mentioned a gate, so if there is none there I would ask the neighbour about safety concerns if the child is climbing over a wall and emphasise that you could not be responsible for their safety, and also, with that in mind, it must be limited to just the one child, s/he can't bring friends through your garden. If the neighbour is OK with that it might be less of a problem.

Aagghhh. I thought there was just one page to this thread, didn't realise there was a whole other one until after I'd submittd the post! Apologies for any repetitions.

If you allow access for x number of years (forget how many) it will become a right of way by law.

Way cheeky and she has no idea what you and your DH are like. For me, it's a big no, your garden should be private and for your use only.

That's why I said trivial request SoupDragon. Someone regularly climbing over a wall* isn't something I'd accommodate and I'd fully expect my husband to ask if I'd gone mad if I acceded to it.

But neighbours, or anyone for that matter, asking politely to do something is surely not a problem and something you can deal with without permission from anyone else, elaborate excuses about insurers or fake horror stories about rights of way.

• one glorious Sunday morning in April 2014 I let my adopted indoor cat out into my back garden for the first time in his 10 years while I cleaned the windows.

I went round to the front and the door slammed in the draught. I was absolutely fucking frantic and kicking myself for being so stupid. Everyone was out and I was panicking because it was his first time out ever in his whole life and I was imagining all sorts - if I lost him, I'd be devastated.

After about an hour of frantic knocking my new neighbours returned and I begged them to let them shimmy over the wall. They had actually added a trellis to it without consulting me, making it about 9ft but I wasn't going to argue about that.

The husband said he didn't think I should climb over because he was worried for my safety = translation: don't damage my trellis. His wife, Fleur, said: 'Tim, then why don't you go over?' Meanwhile I said dramatically: 'Nobby needs me. I'll pay for any damage.' As I climbed over my trousers snagged, exposing my big pants.

Anyway, I dropped down safely but Nobby was nowhere to be found. Tearfully, I made my way in and found him curled up on the Sky box.

I've bonded with Tim and Fleur through that experience and agree with the song that everybody needs good neighbours. This is Nobby

Just to be clear - the child would climb over a wall (about 5/6 foot) and then go through our side gate (which i'm not sure yet if we'll lock or not).

Her house isn't in the estate - its an older house and there is no footpath along the road. And i don't think there ever will be as it is so narrow.

I understand why she asked but, at the end of the day, its not my problem. I just hope she isn't funny about it when i let her know it doesn't suit us.

If you allow access for x number of years (forget how many) it will become a right of way by law.

Sorry to single you out SteppingOnToes because a number of other people have said the same thing too but this is fucking stupid.

Think about it. If you'd invited your neighbour round every night since EastEnders started, do you think they could claim your house?

at the end of the day, its not my problem

Seems a bit of a shame to me, to go through life with that attitude.

I think I must have got very lucky to live in a village where people go out of their way to be neighbourly.

Tell her your husband has said he can't.

She'll respect a man's boundaries and won't blame you.

Nobby - so lovely :)

Tell her your husband has said he can't. She'll respect a man's boundaries and won't blame you.

Fleur did that to Tim in reverse the day of my Nobbydrama AskBasil. Consequently I respect Fleur and that's why I've decided not to insist that they take down the trellis on my wall that made it 9ft tall.

So to any of those insular people who've advised the OP to put up trellis - don't. Always check whose wall it is first. We all have to live next door to people and you wouldn't want to be a bad neighbour, would you?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry thanks. Just because you were so nice, here's another one

Just to be clear - the child would climb over a wall (about 5/6 foot)

What???!!!!

Sorry, but even without anything else that would be it for me ... I'm sure he's perfectly capable of climbing the wall, but the potential for injury would kill the idea stone dead. Nor is it any use saying you won't take responsibility; if you give permission for him to climb your wall and then he injures himself I doubt you'd have a leg to stand on

Just say sorry, I didn't discuss this with my husband and I should have done. He's not happy with the arrangement, so I have to go back on this. More apologies for buggering her about.

It has the advantage of truth because you should have spoken to him before agreeing to something which has the potential to affect his enjoyment of the house.