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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Request from new neighbour

209 replies

Amber76 · 24/01/2017 07:52

We are due to move into a new estate in a few weeks. I've being going to baby groups in the area already to get to know people.

I met the neighbour whose garden backs onto ours. She seems very nice and our kids are similar ages. She asked me if it would be okay if her ten year old uses our garden as a shortcut to main estate. She is outside the estate in an older house which doesn't have a footpath outside it on the road. Her child seems lovely and her friends live in the estate.

I was caught off guard at the time and said i didn't mind but when I said it my dh later he said no way - what if child fell over wall? started bringing friends through?, etc. He's right and I'll have to tell her we're not okay with it. How can I do this nicely without causing tension before we even move in?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 24/01/2017 10:37

No more absurd then some of the other "what if" scenarios

Branleuse · 24/01/2017 10:39

could you say that you dont mind her occasionally using it, but you wouldnt like it if its all the time, or if she took friends through as its still your private garden or youll hav to stop the arrangement

Somerville · 24/01/2017 10:41

Okay, soup - accept parcels was a bad example. But my 'neighbour' who is actually on another street (our gardens kind of meet diagonally) is the one who keeps an eye on my house when I'm away. We met initially when she asked if any of my children wanted to help with her hens while she was away. They didn't, but I talked them into it to be neighbourly so ended up doing it myself and it's been great ever since. When DD1 started babysitting her siblings, I'd tell this neighbour and she made sure she was available in case any emergencies. Though being in her 60's she won't vault the fence so we have a step ladder on each side!

limitedperiodonly · 24/01/2017 10:43

Eventually there was on day where she came in and out across our garden four times in the space of an hour and my mum said enough is enough.

Problem solved then

donteverlookback · 24/01/2017 10:44

The thing in all this is that OP has no obligation of any kind to let her land be used as access, and shouldn't be feeling bad at saying no. However sweet the neighbour might be they are just chancing it and are not entitled at all. Don't be made to feel bad, OP, this is not your doing.

Rachel0Greep · 24/01/2017 10:44

Lived in a rented house years ago where people routinely walked up beside our house and through the garden, as a shortcut. There was nothing to stop them doing so, no gates of anything. Wouldn't like it as an established practice to be honest.

HoneyDragon · 24/01/2017 10:45

I'm confused. The child has to climb a fence into your garden then walk through your gate?

How is this normal Confused

DesolateWaist · 24/01/2017 10:51

Those asking if there is a gate between the houses.... it is a ten year old boy being discussed

She asked me if it would be okay if her ten year old uses our garden as a shortcut to main estate. ........... Her child seems lovely and her friends live in the estate.

Her friends live on the estate. Of course 10 year old girls are just as capable at climbing over fences etc as boys are, but I don't think we are talking about a boy.

It would be the lack of privacy that would bother me.

I'm also a bit surprised at the amount of people who lock their gates. It has never occurred to me to do that. That said you can't access my garden from my house.

Bubblebathwater · 24/01/2017 10:53

I'd hate the feeling of someone walking through my garden and would say no plus I keep my garden gates locked for security so wouldn't be possible.

endofthelinefinally · 24/01/2017 10:54

No, No, No.

We had this and it went from one child to several children and their dogs at all hours of the day and night.

Just tell her politely that although her child may be lovely and considerate, these things can get out of hand.

Twooter · 24/01/2017 10:56

"dunno, I'm not sure someone hard faced enough to ask someone they barely know, for access through a property they haven't even moved into yet, is thinking in terms of "owing you one", or will quite happily take "no more" once it's an established thing.**"

This.
You don't know what the girl is like - you don't know if your kids will want her in their space, and it's easier to give a non-personal excuse now than to say no later on because you/your Dc don't like hers.

VictoriaMcdade · 24/01/2017 10:57

I wouldn't do it.

In our last house I said to our very nice neighbours DCs that they could pop into our garden any time they wanted to retrieve their ball. They said that they would knock first though. Anyone, one day I was pottering about and tidying, having just seen off the entire family and various friends, and finally having a bit of time to myself, the boy from and someone I can only assume was an uncle (he was a mid 20s bloke who I have never seen in my life) appeared in my garden. We had a massive window that backed onto the garden, and there was this bloke staring at me while I was in my pants.

Apart from the embarrassment, I was just so fucked off that I didn't have any privacy.

OP - I bet you a pound to a penny that other members of that family will use it as a cut through. There will always be an excuse, "Oh, I'm just picking up such and such," or "Don't mind me, I'll just run through"

AbigailRocketBlast · 24/01/2017 11:02

Tell them you are thinking of getting a dog!

VeritysWatchTower · 24/01/2017 11:06

We had people doing this to short cut. No one asked they just chanced their arm. We ended up with a trodden down path diagonally across our garden so we could see which house it led to.

My parents talked to the parents of the child involved, they said they would stop him and his mate but they didn't. It wasn't just to and from school either it was evenings when they had been hanging out together. It cut a large corner off their route.

Quite worrying at night when you close your bedroom curtains to see people in your garden.

In the end my Mum had a massive prickly bush planted right at the point where they accessed their garden from ours (misaligned fences meant they had left a 2ft gap.)

I wouldn't allow it. It does set up a right of way. It may take 20 years to legalise it but what if they have more children and then the younger children also use the cut through?

Ubertasha2 · 24/01/2017 11:19

Say you are concerned about local wildlife/your pet rabbit/young visitors accidentally getting out when gate is open. Or undesirables cutting in through garden- security risk etc.

Phalenopsisgirl · 24/01/2017 11:23

It hard to advise without a better idea of the reality of this but a simple answer would be to make some excuse involving dh planting plans that you were not aware of until you mentioned the plan to him or say dh is unhappy with unlocked gate and was planning on closing this up because he is 'funny about security'. That way no personal offence is caused.

BattleaxeGalactica · 24/01/2017 11:25

Hell, no.

Apart from privacy and the downright cheek of it you could be setting yourself up for creating a potential right of way in years to come.

Just no.

SoupDragon · 24/01/2017 11:27

Those asking if there is a gate between the houses.... it is a ten year old boy being discussed. Presumably he'll vault the fence, just like he'll do every time his football lands up in their garden.

And...? The occasional climb over to get a ball is one thing. Regularly climbing over a fence is inevitably going to lead to damage.

ArmfulOfRoses · 24/01/2017 11:29

I am quite surprised how many people would allow this, and I don't think of myself as mean or a bad neighbour.

It's my garden, I want to be able to sit about in my pants in the summer, eat out there, know that if I shut a gate it will stay shut, and just not have to constantly wonder if a neighbours child is going to appear.

CornChips · 24/01/2017 11:30

Nope. Recalling the long past hazy days of my Land law module at uni I also thought of the whole right of way issues.

Never mind the privacy issues.

It's a small estate. The child can walk the way around. I mean, how far 'out of the way' can walking around be, especially when that is the official and normal way around, not cutting through the neighbours.

Somerville · 24/01/2017 11:35

I wouldn't necessarily allow it ad infinitum. But I have a rough rule of thumb that if I'm asked to do something to help someone else out then I'll at least give it a try. I'm no saint - if it ends up being too onerous or no reciprocation or whatever then I stop.

Tikky · 24/01/2017 11:44

It would NOT establish a right of way. If the OP has given permission for the boy to walk through her garden then it won't be able to become a 'right of way'. Plus I would hope he wouldn't still be going to school in 20 years 😂

I actially think it's tricky to know for sure if I would say yes or no. It would depend on the garden etc. It might not be a partyicularly private garden anyhow so all of you who wander around in your knickers wouldn't be doing that anyway. I think we need a diagram PLUS photos and maybe a completed questionnaire from the boy in question.

All my neighbours kids are lovely. They are polite and friendly and I'd be happy to let them cross my garden but if they were rude little shites I wouldn't be.
I don't think it would be hard to tell the lad that you only want him to walk to and from school. He would probably be happy with just that.

Trollspoopglitter · 24/01/2017 11:47

I'd have to say you need to a cheeky fucker to ask something like that before you moved in.

I would need to tell her, actually you were really shocked she could ask you this before you even moved. Your husband is completely opposed to it and was really upset you asked us before we even moved in. Tell her he will reconsider it after your first summer there.

Bubspub · 24/01/2017 11:48

I think having neighbours who ask for and return favours is a really handy thing to have! I've managed to get emergency calpol when I couldn't leave the house with a poorly child as my lovely neighbour bought some round. They also cooked for us when I was poorly. It's lovely. If you are moving somewhere where your community will pull together and consider each other, give and take, then that's a wonderful thing.

NavyandWhite · 24/01/2017 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.