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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Request from new neighbour

209 replies

Amber76 · 24/01/2017 07:52

We are due to move into a new estate in a few weeks. I've being going to baby groups in the area already to get to know people.

I met the neighbour whose garden backs onto ours. She seems very nice and our kids are similar ages. She asked me if it would be okay if her ten year old uses our garden as a shortcut to main estate. She is outside the estate in an older house which doesn't have a footpath outside it on the road. Her child seems lovely and her friends live in the estate.

I was caught off guard at the time and said i didn't mind but when I said it my dh later he said no way - what if child fell over wall? started bringing friends through?, etc. He's right and I'll have to tell her we're not okay with it. How can I do this nicely without causing tension before we even move in?

OP posts:
BillyButtfuck · 24/01/2017 11:50

I'd just lock the gate and if they say anything say you'd misunderstood the request, apologies but you don't feel comfortable having the gate unlocked or having the responsibility of someone else's child unsupervised on your property.

Original poster
Amber76 · 24/01/2017 11:51

I typed a long response earlier and i don't know what happened to it!

Thanks for all the insights so far.

Ours is a semi detached with a high gate on one side. Don't know if we'll lock this gate at the side yet - we'll have to see how living in the house works for us.

Fwiw she has ten year old girl and younger kids under five. And we have three aged 5 and under. There's a large green area in front of us and i imagine this is where kids will play a lot of the time.

We have a wooden fence at the bottom of our garden and it is about six foot. They have a wall of same height. We each have a shed at bottom of garden and i think the boundary might be a bit lower there - i haven't even looked at it properly yet!

I will say 'no' to her as i think that we just don't want to start something that might be awkward to stop in a few years if necessary.

Also, i do think its a bit cheeky of her to ask when she hasn't even met my dh - he could be very strange and she's sending her child through our garden. (He's notSmile)

And i would feel responsible if she fell over the fence on our side.

So its going to be a no -dreading saying it to her. Am going to couch it in terms of being worried about her safety climbing.

OP posts:
CornChips · 24/01/2017 11:51

But these things become the 'new normal' Tikky which then makes it a risk for the right of way.

We bought our house in 1997 and people cut through the garden then to go to the church hall at the back. Turns out that the previous owner had given permission to the vicar and his wife to use the garden eons before that, but then that line in the sand got blurrier and blurrier until by the time we moved in it was the vicar, his wife, the congregation and all manner of kids using it as a shortcut to the highschool up the road.

That is how rights of ways are established..... a person uses it, then it is used by a bunch of people over time.

Thankfully in our case a word to the vicar, and a couple of locks put a stop to it.

CornChips · 24/01/2017 11:53

And to be honest, having kids unsupervised on my property - shudder. Too many risks. (We have a deep pond for starters).

welovepancakes · 24/01/2017 11:54

If you decide to say No, I think it's unfair to let your DH take the blame for it. Better to say that you've had a chat with him & had second thoughts

Or show her this thread, full of nightmare scenarios ......

llangennith · 24/01/2017 12:03

I wouldn't waffle on about safety etc, she'll find excuses.
As pp said, tell her she took you by surprise and having had a chat with DH you've decided it wouldn't work for you so, sorry but no. No access.

Userfriendly · 24/01/2017 12:03

@Amber76 If there is a public right of way over the new estate, the developer should have altered its route. Ask around to find out how long people have been going that way. If it's more than twenty years, the developer could be forced to rectify by constructing a footpath, for example.

DesolateWaist · 24/01/2017 12:04

If she has to climb over a wall and down a fence then no.
Its not safe and your fence could get damaged.

diddl · 24/01/2017 12:11

Sorry Op but would the girl be using a gate to get into your garden or climbing your fence?

Either way it would be a no from me.

GnomeDePlume · 24/01/2017 12:29

"Good fences make good neighbours"

Dont apologise, dont explain. Just say you have discussed it with your DH and have decided you dont want to give access through your garden.

How she reacts will tell you a lot about whether you might reconsider in the future.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2017 12:30

To avoid any awkwardness, I'm just wondering if you could use your insurers as a get out, as in:

They asked if the property would be for the sole use of your family ... you answered that the garden would be a cut-through for a neighbour ... they replied that you'd need extra public liability insurance for this

??

MintyChops · 24/01/2017 12:43

Agree with others that if you start giving her reasons like safety she will come up with excuses and try to persuade you. Just say you have discussed it with DH and decided that you are not happy to allow it.

Topsy44 · 24/01/2017 12:50

I would say no. I had a similar scenario when I moved in to my house. A neighbour who lived further up the road asked if he could cut across our garden to get into the field to walk his dogs as the previous owner had let him. I told him 'sorry, no, we won't be letting people do that.'

I thought it was cheeky too as we didn't know this man. I've never regretted my decision but I know if we'd said yes I would have been cross every time I saw him walk through my garden!

gandalf456 · 24/01/2017 12:51

I would just see how it goes op. You can always stop it if you run into problems

Silentplikebath · 24/01/2017 12:52

I would tell your neighbour the truth. Her request caught you off guard so you said yes without thinking but having discussed it with your DH you have changed your mind.

My advice is don't say sorry or apologise in any way because this woman should never have put you in the awkward position of asking and expecting an immediate response. She was relying on you being too polite to say no!

Patriciathestripper1 · 24/01/2017 12:56

Just tell them you have a large guard dog and he may bite.

BarbarianMum · 24/01/2017 12:57

No, if you give permission for person X to use it specifically exempts them from being able to claim a RoW.

manicmij · 24/01/2017 13:08

Need to take care you are not establishing a "right of way" by letting someone use your garden for access etc. If the neighbour's house has no footpath on it, how is the child supposed to get to school? Surely this should have been taken into account when the estate was being planned. If the child has to walk on a roadway Education Department should be looking at providing transportation or is he expected to be driven to and from school by parents. Kind of thinking he would be within the distance before transport is provided anyway. I'd enquire at the Planning Depart about how pre-existing people are supposed to travel if no footpath. Cause a hassle for them, they should have considered this.

TheCraicDealer · 24/01/2017 13:46

I also thought of the ROW issue- ok so it’s one child now, but if it shaves that much off a journey how much longer until the parents (and children as they age) decide to use it to get home from school, the shops or bus stop on the main road? At what stage do you decide to put the clampers on it? Because you’ll always feel bad and it’ll always cause ill feeling once the other side feel they have a ‘right’ (morally or legally) to use the shortcut.

As well the whole ‘hop over the fence’ access just makes me feel nervy. All that child needs to do is scrape her leg on the top of their fence or fall and the OP could be held liable. Once the OP knows that the route is being used then they’re required to take reasonable care to make sure anyone doing that doesn’t come to harm, which is way more onerous than people think.

Just better not to do it in the first place.

BattleaxeGalactica · 24/01/2017 13:57

It may be precluded from becoming a ROW by agreeing one child can use it but these things have a tendency to creep and no-one needs the hassle further down the line.

Far better to nip it in the bud before it gets going as you are doing OP. Don't dread it. She's a cheeky baggage to have even asked.

MixedUpConfusion · 24/01/2017 14:04

There was a thread similar to this a few years ago and in the end the neighbours completely took the piss and whole family members and friends were using OPs garden as a short cut. Don't remember the outcome, mind... helpful face

lingle · 24/01/2017 14:05

"Am going to couch it in terms of being worried about her safety climbing."

Well done for making the decision but you need to Tell the Truth as others have said.

limitedperiodonly · 24/01/2017 14:11

How is it cheeky to ask someone politely for permission to do something?

SheldonsSpot · 24/01/2017 14:19

She hasn't even moved in yet! She doesn't know how or when she'll be using the garden herself yet.

Jeez at least let her unpack some fuckung boxes before asking if your kid can tramp all over her property.

That's why it's cheeky.

TeethDrama · 24/01/2017 14:30

If you say you're worried about her safety climbing, she might quash that by saying her DD has been doing it for ages and hasn't had a problem, so don't worry about that, etc etc.

Maybe you should post the question in Legals to see if anyone who works in insurance knows about liability, if child should injure herself on your grounds. Then you'd have more substance to back it up with.

On the one hand I don't think it's maybe that big of a deal, but then you haven't moved in yet so you don't know if child plus friends would be using your garden several times a day in the summer for example, if they are playing on the common land and going back home for drinks and ice lollies etc. Also as her younger children grow up, will they also be using the path, possibly at a younger age than 10 because her DD will sometimes be with them? Lots to think about. It won't stay just one solitary 10 year old as it is now.