Request from new neighbour

[Amber76]

We are due to move into a new estate in a few weeks. I've being going to baby groups in the area already to get to know people.

I met the neighbour whose garden backs onto ours. She seems very nice and our kids are similar ages. She asked me if it would be okay if her ten year old uses our garden as a shortcut to main estate. She is outside the estate in an older house which doesn't have a footpath outside it on the road. Her child seems lovely and her friends live in the estate.

I was caught off guard at the time and said i didn't mind but when I said it my dh later he said no way - what if child fell over wall? started bringing friends through?, etc. He's right and I'll have to tell her we're not okay with it. How can I do this nicely without causing tension before we even move in?

Claraschu 👏🏻👏🏻

So mean spirited of your husband OP to think of the issues and not see the positives. Start as you mean to go on as a good neighbour and then if there are issues then deal with them as friendly neighbours.
It won't be a good start to the neighbourhood if you now renege on something you've agreed to.

Well said Claraschu

How about suggesting (if you yourselves prefer it, obviously!) that she - the child, assuming it's a girl from your post - can come through by herself, but can't bring friends? You could frame it as a safety issue, perhaps mentioning that of course aa she's still so young (giving you a get-out clause for when child is older) she can use your accessway as it's a much safer route, but no friends please as while you know her child would be sensible, safe and respectful you clearly can't say the same for any tagalongs/friends, plus certainly can't exclude the possibility of injury to child/damage to property from other parties for which you could be held accountable....
???
I certainly think I would take this option!

I'd also be interested to see how much further the boy needs to go.

But mean spirited to not allow constant access through your garden?

A neighbour asked to park his bike in our shed. We said it was okay unless it became a problem. I was thinking more that we might want to store our stuff in there rather than him using it as a bridgehead for an invasion.

I mentioned it to someone. She immediately came out with the nightmare scenarios on this thread. 'What if he came round at odd hours?'; 'What if his entire cycling club wanted to do it?'; 'what if he shut his finger in the door of the shed and sued us?'; 'what if it got stolen and he claimed off our insurance?'; 'what if he created a precedent which he eventually used to grab our entire home from us and left us on the streets?'

I said that wouldn't happen but I was left in no uncertainty that I was being a trusting fool.

Anyway, his bike was stolen while not in our shed and he decided he'd gone off cycling and never replaced it. But I expect we had a lucky escape and all those nightmarish scenarios could have happened

I'd agree to mornings only - kid in hurry for school but not on the way back - he could be returning at didferent times depending on activities, play dates so you don't want to keep the garden unlocked all the time.

I wouldn't let her purely on garden security. She may one day forget to shut the gate and your toddler could wander out.

Limited some people are such flipping doom mongers. I would hate to have that personality - my in laws are like it. Small minded, negative, suspicious. Not appealing.

We house swap with overseas families and this type of person always expresses horror and is keen to hear about "all the things that have gone wrong"

If you agree, over time - around 12 years, it will become a prescriptive right-of-way for anyone living in her house to use "the path" her daughter has created over and through your garden.

Once it's established, it will have an impact if you ever want to sell. Think very carefully about it.

Also consider that your garden's security would be left to a 10 year-old at point of access and egress several times a day. You couldn't let your own children use your garden until you were sure it was secure. whilst it only takes a couple of minutes to check, would you want to have to do that every time you wanted to let your children out into your own garden to play?

If you are buying, I would get legal advice from your solicitor about whether this could set a precedence for a "right of way" through your garden. I speak as someone who moved into a house with a right of way through the garden for the neighbour behind us (won't bore you with the details)

Why not just try it and see if it works? Say to the mother that you've thought of a few possible problems but will give it a go. Make it clear it only applies to her child and during term time, and that if it doesn't work for you, it will have to stop.

You neighbour's house, by the sound of it, has no pavement in front of it. I can see why she's asking.

I wouldt mind but I'd tell him not to bring friends through the garden.

What stumblymonkey and claraschu said.

So what are you thinking OP? Which way are you inclined to go?

I'm a lawyer and I wouldn't worry about the "what if he hurt himself" scenarios because life is full of tiny risks of major liability and we're all better off worrying about our driving skills than focussing on very unlikely things. (cue stories about someone ending up in prison because they gave their neighbour a cup of sugar, etc etc).

Privacy and noise issues are different though, and you don't know what kind of relationship you are going to have with this family. I'd focus on the effect on you/your DH/your children. Will it reflect badly on your children in their new friendships if you say no? Will it make your husband feel not at home in his own home if you say yes?

fwiw I think the polite thing for the neighbour to do would have been to tell her son to go the long way round and then drop hints..... if he became friends with your kids he'd come through the garden with them at first, then he or his parents would start to knock and ask then eventually you'd say "I'm happy for you to cut through".

TBH, I would let her. We live in an estate where people are looking after each other and despite being the old-fashioned rural folks, they are very embracing of blow-ins.
I know that my neighbour will send her son to check on us and ask if we need any help when DH is on a business trip and I'm sick. Whenever I cook something and there are left-overs or bones, my neighbour's dog gets it, nothing required in return. When DD wanted to play with my neighbour's grandkids, we just lifted her over the wall and she came back the same way.
It makes for a really great atmosphere in the estate where people know each other, they even scared off the burglars this way because a neighbour spotted a strange van parked outside a house where she knew they just went shopping. Alarms get checked in case there's an intruder and not just false alarm.
Sometimes you just need to believe in the good in people rather than seeing the bad things. Just agree some basic rules with your neighbour, make sure the boy understands and you should be OK.

I'm surprised that so many would agree to it & also surprised that anyone would ask tbh.

If the gardens back onto each other is there also a track or footpath between them?

Otherwise why would there be access directly into someone elses garden from yours?

I would agree to it, as long as the child could be relied upon to close all gates. I would also say no friends - if friends in tow, child must go the long way round.

Would the child need to go through your garden to get to school, or just to visit friends living in the estate?

And how does the child get into your garden in the first place? Surely there's a fence between your garden and theirs?

Presumably the house is detached/semi-detached for the child to be able to leave the OP's back garden and get out into the estate. But do you plan on keeping the access from the back to the front open? I have a detached house and I keep the access on each side locked at all times. I have items of value in my back garden and it would be easier to break in from the back of the house. It also means that my son and dogs can't leave the back garden without me letting them. So my side gates stay locked unless I'm actively using them at the time. It seems like a needless security risk to have you back garden so easily accessible.

I would say it was fine for the moment as you have no idea if it is going to bother you or not. I would also make it clear (in a nice as way as possible) what your rules are and that you will see how it goes for a few months and will review it if it starts to bother you . My rules would probably be something like:

• Only while the children are at school - so once people are 18 they can go the long way round.

No cutting through later than say 8.30pm in the summer and 6pm in the winter (children should be home before dark anyway). Also no more than 3 children at one time. If there are more than 2-3 children at a time hey can go the long way round as they can keep each other company anyway.

I think it would be a nice gesture that would allow her 10 year old to cur through to play with friends/go to the park/to school without having to walk the long way round

A believable lie if you object may be that your contents insurance was increased/refused as the garden is not secure, therefore the gate has to be locked.
I think the neighbour's being a bit presumptuous, it's something I'd ask of a friend

if you agree, over time - around 12 years, it will become a prescriptive right-of-way for anyone living in her house to use "the path" her daughter has created over and through your garden.

This is the kind of thing that leads to people not clearing snow from their paths in case the postman slips over and sues for gazillions.

I suppose anything could happen. But if I was that worried about it I'd consult a solicitor, not Mumsnet.

"if you agree, over time - around 12 years, it will become a prescriptive right-of-way for anyone living in her house to use "the path" her daughter has created over and through your garden."

I don't believe that letting one friend's child into your garden means that you have established a footpath there. That is absurd.

I'm a very private person but would allow it, it's safer than the child walking along a road with out a path. Just make sure rules r clear that gate should b closed and no friends etc.

Is there a gate between both your gardens or is there a path in between?

I bet 99% of posters would not actually be OK with a child walking back and forth through their garden whenever they liked.

All the "what if" crowd. What if you said no and child got knocked down walking the long way round?