To find this distasteful?

[JunosRevenge]

My dear FIL died recently. FIL requested cremation, and wished for ashes to be scattered (along with those of another deceased close family member).

SIL has asked DH if she can remove some of the ashes to be turned into some kind of glass keepsake. DH is horrified at this idea. He says it is the last thing his DF would have wanted, and I must say I agree with him.

Advice is required from the wise heads of MN. DH doesn't want to cause offence, but he's at a loss as to what to say to his DSis (who is on a notoriously short fuse at the best of times...)

Help!!!

maisie Do you worry that something might happen to it? I would be scared of being burgled and having my mum nicked. That sounds funny but I'm being serious.

I will be cremated. This thread has just made me realise that I need to specifically state in my will that I don't want my ashes separated. It doesn't really matter what anyone left thinks. My wishes should be paramount and I'd like to think that my family will get comfort from knowing they've done exactly what I would want with my funeral arrangements/ashes

at the PP saying bits of corpse was being made into jewellery- that's a horrible and heartless thing to say. And just not factual at all. Ashes are not the same as a corpse at all.

My goodness, there are some people on this thread who ought to learn some tact!

shock at the PP saying bits of corpse was being made into jewellery- that's a horrible and heartless thing to say. And just not factual at all. Ashes are not the same as a corpse at all.

You have to be realistic. Either they comprise part of the body, in which case they certainly are the same as a corpse; or they do not, in which case it is totally pointless getting arty objects made out of the ashes of the coffin etc.

It's her father, right? In which case, let her do what she needs to do to grieve.

My take on that is: It's her father, she should respect his wishes. He said he wanted his ashes scattered, so that is what should happen.

Frankly, I think it's extraordinarlity selffish to make any stipulations about the deposition of your body once you die that render it less useful (as in no organ donation) or which are not designed to make the grieving process easier for the people left behind. You won'5 know anything about it- it should all be about the people grieving for you.

BertrandRussell in my friends fathers case she believed he was making a joke but he really wasn't comfortable with the idea.

He wanted all his 'bits' in one place after he died. All the pain and suffering he had to go through...I'd never call him selfish for wanting to have a bit of control of his own body after he passed.

I think your SiL is just as entitled as your DH to feel what's "right" for their father's ashes.

Whilst I understand the will to keep the ashes together, these ashes will be scattered. they will be separated by the weather and by time. once they are scattered they will no longer be part of a whole and you cant keep them as such by following last requests.
Why not scatter them together with SIL and allow her to take some as they are being scattered? this way they are scattered as one but still some remains for her to mourn with.
My Dniece is separated into a locket for my mum, a locket and small urn for my DSis (her mum) and a small urn for her dad. The remainder was scattered.

Frankly, I think it's extraordinarlity selffish to make any stipulations about the deposition of your body once you die that render it less useful (as in no organ donation) or which are not designed to make the grieving process easier for the people left behind. You won'5 know anything about it- it should all be about the people grieving for you

But surely grieving for you must include respecting your wishes? If the thought of your body going through a manufacturing process or being displayed on people's mantelpieces makes you cringe and/or curl up in horror, why on earth should your decision on that be overridden? And how would you practically limit the right to override to people who apparently feel they need to do so in order to grieve? Suppose someone decides to ignore your wishes because they don't want your money being used for a headstone, for instance? And what happens when people want to use the remains to grieve in contradictory ways? Whose wishes take precedence?

They will be scattered though?

Well, no. SiL, wants some of them not to be scattered along with those of another family member as her father wants; she specifically wants some to be prevented from being scattered.

"If the thought of your body going through a manufacturing process or being displayed on people's mantelpieces makes you cringe and/or curl up in horror, why on earth should your decision on that be overridden?"

I suppose your wishes shouldn't be over ridden, although I don't really see why not. But the making of dogmatic and arbitrary wishes is the selfish bit.

"If the thought of your body going through a manufacturing process or being displayed on people's mantelpieces makes you cringe and/or curl up in horror, why on earth should your decision on that be overridden?"

This is what I was talking about before when I said about other things happening to a persons body after they die - I wasn't trying to upset anyone and I apologised as it came out wrong. I agree its odd that of all of the things that happen to a person, the ashes being added to glass is the thing that people see as distasteful or desecration of a persons body.

But why is it dogmatic and arbitrary? It's your body. I don't understand where people draw the line: why is it any more dogmatic and arbitrary to say you don't want this than to say that you would like your ashes to be scattered somewhere special to you, or that you want to be cremated and not buried, or vice versa? Suppose the FiL in this case wanted to be buried, should his daughter be able to say that she wants him (or even part of him) to be cremated so she can get her bit of jewellery?

SIL only wants a tiny part of the ashes, the rest will be scattered as per fils wishes.

But he apparently wanted all of them scattered, and at least one person who knew him believes that he absolutely would not have wanted any of them to be made into artefacts.

When deciding what happens to your body the important people are those left behind. You are dead. You should be thinking of making it easier for them.

"

My dad died last year. I still have the ashes.

To me jewellery would be a bit creepy, but I have got the kit to send back for a paperweight. To anyone else it would just look like a nice piece of glassware. Currently my brother is not interested in having one made. He grieves differently to me. I understand this and we will not do anything permanent with the rest of the ashes until we have both had time.

Dad would have found it amusing - he joked I should have him stuffed and used as a hatstand! I told him he would look odd with my minimalist furniture...

Your DH has to understand that people grieve in different ways and different times. If it would help my brother to get over our loss, I would let him have some of dad's ashes in a heartbeat.

Be gentle with each other.