To find this distasteful?

[JunosRevenge]

My dear FIL died recently. FIL requested cremation, and wished for ashes to be scattered (along with those of another deceased close family member).

SIL has asked DH if she can remove some of the ashes to be turned into some kind of glass keepsake. DH is horrified at this idea. He says it is the last thing his DF would have wanted, and I must say I agree with him.

Advice is required from the wise heads of MN. DH doesn't want to cause offence, but he's at a loss as to what to say to his DSis (who is on a notoriously short fuse at the best of times...)

Help!!!

It's not dissimilar to keeping some hair in a locket really.

I don't think it's up to you and your DH to decide. She was his daughter too. My brother did this, my sis and I decided we didn't need a little bit but was happy for our brother too.

Bit different but possibly relevant.

When my son died I ended up agreeing to burial as it's what my ex-p wanted. I didn't I wanted him cremated and scattered with my grandad. It's not something we could of really compromised on.

2 years on I'm really not over it, the fact that he's alone and cold is the thing that still upsets me the most. (I know it's irrational but it doesn't help)

Your DH seems to be just wanting to do what your fil wanted, deviating from that is something that could still cause him upset further down the line.

I'm going to sit on the fence as siblings should probably get an equal say in what happens but I can see your DH's point.

I thinks it's a very strange idea, but understand that everyone grieves in their own way.

However, the deal breaker is that his DF was very specific about what should happen with his ashes and his DC should all respect that.

My uncle requested that his ashes be scattered in his favourite place in Wales. His family decided against it as they wanted to keep his ashes. It made me feel a bit sad that they didn't respect his wishes. Difficult situation tough. I'd probably just agreed to her having some to keep the peace.

My dad died very suddenly. We were all just totally heartbroken and completely devastated. If I could have done anything at that time to lessen my brothers pain even just a little I'd have done it.

She wants the tiniest tiniest amount to make into something that might help her through this horrible time. Therell be plenty to scatter as per FIL wishes.

I can't understand why it's even a question. Let her do this. She may never forgive your husband if he stops her.

First of all, sorry for your loss. This is probably a difficult time for you and your DH.

Personally, I think it would be unkind to disallow your SIL to grieve her own way.

FIL was her father and it's not an unreasonable request, whether it's to your taste or not. As PP's have mentioned, it's only a tiny amount of ashes needed. FIL's wishes will still be honoured with the rest of the ashes being scattered as requested. It really doesn't inconvenience your DH in any way, and I'm sure FIL would want his children to be supporting each other to grieve their own way in this sad time.

I think this has the potential to rip your family apart. Would your SIL ever forgive either of you if you prevented her from having some of her father's ashes?

I have 2 friends who have had their father's ashes made into jewellery. It has been a huge comfort to them. Isn't this what it is about? Comfort in a time of loss?

Your Dh doesn't "own" the ashes, his sister has as much right to them as he does.

Sorry for your loss JunosRevenge. Some people get ashes mixed into ink and tattooed into their skin. Now that I DO find distasteful and am usually very much 'each to their own'. What i'm saying is we all have different ideas of acceptable (on a very wide scale!). Sorry no idea how you should play this one, though not allowing SIL to remember him in her own way is bound to lead to family kerfuffles which surely FIL would have been more upset about?

If you think that's distasteful, OP, consider:

• Keith Richards mixed his father's ashes with cocaine and snorted it.
• Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were shot out of a cannon.

Wills can be contested, last wishes are frequently overridden. This sort of thing is widely advertised on horse sites. There are also services to take horse hair and make it into a bracelet or their shoe and decorate it. Not morbid, jet a nice keepsake. Your DH's feelings do not override those of his sister.

I don't believe in splitting ashes but would to keep the peace in this type of case. She's as much right to choose as your husband does, so a compromise is in order.
As a poster said up thread, funerals are for the living.

Sorry for your loss

People grieve in different ways, emotions are always heightened when you are bereaved, everybody wants to get things 'just right' the way the person would have wanted it.

However, as they are no longer here, it is more important to consider the feelings of family members that are, protect the relationships with loved ones even if they don't grieve the same way you do.

I kept a tiny amount of my mums ashes (not in anything posh or in a ring or anything). I just like I have a little of her with me (she doesn't come to work or holidays or anything like that). It can mean a lot to people when grieving.

Pluto30
Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were shot out of a cannon.

But he requested that. His wishes were respected. What if his family had decided that it was distasteful and not to do it? Is that ok, because they are living and grieving?

The OP's husband feels the rights of the deceased are important. I think maybe he should explain his feelings to his sister and suggest something that is a bit more in keeping with their father's personality. If she insists though, I guess it's better to comply.

I'm going to make sure there's something in my will about not making my ashes into stationery or jewellery. Really not my thing! My kids will just have to find a different way to remember me.

My Dad died in September last year and was also cremated.

I read the leaflets about the jewellery and it is such a tiny amount they use. It wasn't to my taste but I did want to take a small amount to keep at home.

Fortunately all five of my siblings were very understanding of my need to have something of my Dad, even though they themselves didn't feel the same need. That small part of Dad sits on a bookshelf in my sitting room, in a china honey pot he bought me when I was a child. It brings me an enormous amount of comfort every time I look at it.

I can't help but feel that to deny your SIL that comfort is very unkind.

I love the idea of being made into beads and the beads being left at places special to the deceased.

This is between your husband and his sister. Keep your nose out of it! I think your h is being very unkind and controlling.

It seems to me simple - if FiL asked for his ashes to be scattered in a certain place, that is what must happen. If he wanted any them to be kept by any of his children, he would have said so. It isn't an issue of anyone having their "share": the ashes are your FiL's, and what he wanted must be paramount.

Actually quite shocked that this is a "thing". Just so tacky and distasteful. It seems so wrong to take bits of people who have died, even just ashes, and turn then into some piece of dreadful jewellery. It's as bad as those Victorian things with locks of hair.

Ashes should be kept together in my opinion, and scattered somewhere significant rather than kept in a jar on top of the telly.

How people deal with their loved ones passing is personal. What the dead thought is irrelevant. They are gone.

I find this slightly horrifying. Sorry, what I want done with my body after I die is absolutely relevant, and should be paramount. It's my body, and I have to say that the thought of being made into bits of jewellery is definitely not acceptable. If my children decided to override my wish for all my ashes to be scattered in a specified place, I'd probably come back and haunt them.

I don't think it's necessarily distasteful, but a question of respecting your fil's wishes. Perhaps your dh could take this approach.

I totally understand your sil wanting some kind of keep sake linked to him though. There's a company that does some really nice things that your sil might like. The company was on Dragons Den recently. They do adult keepsakes too.

lovekeepcreate.co.uk/

'Actually quite shocked that this is a "thing". Just so tacky and distasteful. It seems so wrong to take bits of people who have died, even just ashes, and turn then into some piece of dreadful jewellery. It's as bad as those Victorian things with locks of hair.

Ashes should be kept together in my opinion, and scattered somewhere significant rather than kept in a jar on top of the telly.'

Jesus wept! What an unhelpful, unnecessary, tactless and insensitive comment. Glad you're not a position to dictate to others what they do and don't in bereavement and really hope you exercise a bit of self-control with regards to your mouth if you're ever around recently bereaved people.

and DH just feels strongly that he would not have wanted his earthly remains split up in this way. With what "proof"? Did his father ever say that?

Sometimes you need to allow people to grieve in their own way, I can see why she would want a lasting reminder of her father.

I would allow her to, your dh doesn't get to veto her needs on the basis that their father wouldn't want it, because he simply doesn't know that!

His remains will be split once scattered. Carried off in the breeze, etc...

He adored him. And his sister doesn't? Why are your dh's feelings more important than his sister's?

However, as they are no longer here, it is more important to consider the feelings of family members that are, protect the relationships with loved ones even if they don't grieve the same way you do.

Why? If a deceased person wanted to be cremated but a family member wants them to be buried, should the wishes of that family member be honoured just because? If the deceased left everything to charity, should we ignore those wishes and give all their possessions to family members?