To find this distasteful?

[JunosRevenge]

My dear FIL died recently. FIL requested cremation, and wished for ashes to be scattered (along with those of another deceased close family member).

SIL has asked DH if she can remove some of the ashes to be turned into some kind of glass keepsake. DH is horrified at this idea. He says it is the last thing his DF would have wanted, and I must say I agree with him.

Advice is required from the wise heads of MN. DH doesn't want to cause offence, but he's at a loss as to what to say to his DSis (who is on a notoriously short fuse at the best of times...)

Help!!!

I don't think it's distasteful. When my dbs died my parents dB and I all had a small amount of dbs ashes to go in a necklace it gives us comfort that he is close to our hearts literally and figuratively.

I don't think it's distasteful at all. What's more it will have a positive effect on your SIL and absolutely no effect on the deceased, so preventing her from doing so would be pointless and mean.

His remains will be split once scattered. Carried off in the breeze, etc...

That argument really doesn't work. He wanted his remains to be scattered, if he wanted them to be split up and kept by any of the family he would have said so. He clearly hasn't said that he wanted them to go through a manufacturing process and to sit on someone's mantlepiece.

I only found out about being able to do this after my mum died and her ashes were buried next to my dad who wasnt cremated and was buried in a coffin. I wish I had known you could do it because it would have brought me great comfort. I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea. There is no way of knowing whether your father in law would have been for or against it as he was never asked.

Unless this was discussed with the father , I don't see how there is anything wrong in his daughter taking a small amount of ashes. Your DH doesn't really know what his father would have said- he's only guessing.

I can't see that it's worth a family row. I suspect from what you have said that there is some 'history' between your DH and his sister, and he's digging in his heels over this.

But he has no more right to prohibit her than she has to insist she takes some.

On another issue, I've heard from people who've been behind the scenes at crematoriums, that there is no absolute guarantee you are getting all your loved ones ashes due to the conveyer belt system of cremations; you might get someone else's or not all of 'yours' depending how quickly and efficiently the furnaces are cleared. So I think it's worth putting the whole thing into perspective. The loved one is gone- focus on the memories and not what's left about cremation.

about - after

7 - wtf??!! Hope you don't have to deal directly with bereaved relatives...

Many thanks to everyone else who has commented here. Some very interesting viewpoints which give us lots of food for thought.

As another poster has suggested, it's probably a good idea to be more specific regarding disposal of remains when writing one's will. Something we will definitely attend to ourselves when all this is over.

This is why I love MN. Even when your arse is handed to you on a plate, you generally get a dose of reality and really good advice.
Many thanks again.

I don't think it's distasteful per se, but he specified what he wanted to be done with his remains. That needs to be followed out of respect for him.

The idea that people can do whatever they want with my body after I die regardless of what I want creeps me out, whether I'll be aware of it or not. If you've been left instructions, you should follow them.

If he wanted any them to be kept by any of his children, he would have said so Would he? He may not have even considered it, or even know it was possible to turn ashes into some kind of memorial, let alone not wanted it. I would have thought he would want what made his daughter happy, and what helped her through her grief.

If my father wanted to be scattered, but any of us wanted a small part of him, he would be beyond mad at anyone opposing it.

I know a lot of people who have had the glass jewellery made and they find great comfort in it. I think they are lovely. My friend lost her DH and had a pendant made so he is near to her heart.

If you don't allow her to do this she may never forgive your DH. Does your DH have the right to refuse her?

I'd let her have some.

I didnt know it was a thing so your FIL wouldnt either in all probability so I think your dh is being a bit unreasonable, but understandably so.

When I die my children can choose what helps them to grieve. As others have said I will no longer care!

Junos sorry I forgot to say sorry for you and your families loss

I'd let her have them. I'd tell myself that if he knew how important it was to her, then he'd want to make her happy. I'm sure that in life he shared a lot of himself for her and his son, so to speak. Why would death change that?

I think it's such a small thing that can help her grieve than I don't see the problem. My DF has terminal cancer and I would hate to think if my sil having an opinion when it was my father the man who raised me who I adore. This should converstion should be between your dh and his sister.

When did a locket with a photo go out of fashion

I find this slightly horrifying. Sorry, what I want done with my body after I die is absolutely relevant, and should be paramount. It's my body, and I have to say that the thought of being made into bits of jewellery is definitely not acceptable. If my children decided to override my wish for all my ashes to be scattered in a specified place, I'd probably come back and haunt them.

But you're dead, so it is irrelevant. You can't rule from the grave.

I think that your dh is being unreasonable dictating how your sil chooses to remember her father.

I think it would be reasonable for her to get a tiny amount of the ashes tbh. If that helps her cope with grieve, then why deny her? FIL probably wouldn't have even known about that option, so he could not give that permission himself (I didn't know about it at least). I would let her have some.

I would say that your FIL will always be whole, because the energy he left in the world - the trace of him - remains. He is not his ashes, never was reducible to that stark materiality. If they are divided, scattered to the winds, it doesn't matter. I would let everyone grieve and remember their own way.

Without outing yourself, I wonder where and how FIL wanted his Ashes scattered. And how "scattered" they would be
If he wanted them poured into the lake where he loved fishing this might not work, but if he wanted them scattered over his garden?
You could do the latter, then as long as you don't scatter them roo thinly or widely, SIL could pick up a tea spoon afterwards?

It isn't distasteful at all.

The jewellery is lovely and very meaningful.

People grieve in different ways. It isn't about what your FIL wants - he isn't around to see it. It's about comforting those left behind.

And you can still scatter in line with his wishes as they need less than a teaspoon of ashes for the jewellery.

Personally I think that ashes should be kept together entirely - either all scattered or all kept in a pot where ever you keep it and so on. The thought of splitting ashes up and doling them out to relatives gives me the shivers - it's not just dust, that's the remains of a person. It shouldn't be split into bits any more than you'd split a body due for burial IMO.

In your dh's shoes, I would just say no. Your FIL wanted his ashes scattered so scattered they should be.

If he didn't want it, it's disrespectful.

I think the matter of 'taste' is subjective.

You shouldn't go against a persons final wishes.