To find this distasteful?

[JunosRevenge]

My dear FIL died recently. FIL requested cremation, and wished for ashes to be scattered (along with those of another deceased close family member).

SIL has asked DH if she can remove some of the ashes to be turned into some kind of glass keepsake. DH is horrified at this idea. He says it is the last thing his DF would have wanted, and I must say I agree with him.

Advice is required from the wise heads of MN. DH doesn't want to cause offence, but he's at a loss as to what to say to his DSis (who is on a notoriously short fuse at the best of times...)

Help!!!

It's really not that big of a deal

Please don't be so dismissive. It's not up to you, or anyone else, to decide whether something is, or isn't, big deal. Especially something so sensitive & important.

What happens to my Dad's ashes, is a big deal to me. Maybe not to anyone outside my family, maybe not compared to some other things in life but it's not something someone else has the right to decide how much of a 'deal' it is, or isn't.

I had thought about this in the past but I would never do it because I would forever worry about losing it. What if I am wearing it and the catch breaks and I lose it, what if there is a fire and I'm not wearing it, I know I would waste time getting it before I got out etc

It is something for her to consider, it could be that she would not worry about any of that, but if she might then it's worth considering now because it's too late once it's made and I am sure he would not have wanted her to be worrying or for him to become a burden (in a roundabout way)

Whatever I think I might want for my remains, I would be happy with anything my children wanted that made their grief easier to bear and preserved their relationship with each other.

I am sure your FIL would want his daughter to do whatever brought her comfort after his death? Surely this would be more important to him than his ashes being kept 'together'.

I would hate for one of my children to deny the other something that would bring them comfort after my death.

YABU

I have a beautiful pendant that my sil arranged to have made after my dad died. At first I was a bit but now I find it a great comfort. I honestly wish I'd known about this option when my mum died. It makes me feel closer to him - it's not for everyone but if it makes your sil feel better able to cope with her loss I can't see the harm.

I had this with my mum when she died. Sister wanted to split her. I thought it was disgusting and not what mum would have wanted but sister makes it incredibly hard to say no to her.
So now mum has half of her scattered in some random walkway she had no connection to and the other half in a place she was happiest.

If I was your dh I would stick to my guns.

I think first and foremost fil would have wanted his dc to be happy and to grieve their own way. I'm very much against giving people a spec sheet on their grief, this includes requests for no flowers etc. For some people sending/ laying flowers enables them to express emotions through that gesture. If others don't feel that way they can choose not place flowers at a funeral, it's not really the place of the relatives or indeed the deceased to tell others how they should cope. People manage in different ways. There is room for everyone to be happy in this scenario.

Mwm, your ds obviously had some connection to the random walkway. At the end of the day your dm resides in neither place so really it makes no difference at all to her. Personally I think I'd prefer to be cremated but if I end up buried because that is what my family prefer then I will neither know nor care.

We did this with my Nan's ashes. A local glass studio makes them into beautiful glass objects. Me, my sister, my Mum and my great aunt each have a palm sized hand held heart. She sits on the Welsh dresser she left me, and I talk to her and show her my did, who she didn't get to meet. Silly, I know, but it gives me comfort. All 4 of us live in fairly disparate areas of the UK, which makes it difficult to return to the site where the rest of her ashes lie, to pay our respects. This is the same place my grandfather's ashes were scattered, and my mum has said that she wished she'd known about the glass memorials when her dad passed, as it would have given her comfort.
The amount used is so tiny, and I know what a difference it has made to us, helping with our grief. I know that my Nan wanted anything that would help us with her passing. I would hope your DH can find it in his heart to allow his sister a teaspoon of the ashes, to help her to grieve.
Incidentally, we only found out about this when we were blowing glass baubles for my sister's hen do, just after we lost my Nan.

Sorry, I show her my DD, not my did!

I find it grim tbh and if a relative of mine had decided to do that with my mother's ashes I wouldn't want to be in the same room as it. Each to their own though, I guess.

I don't know why you have any business to find it distasteful OP. He was your dh's father and SIL's, not yours. Personally I don't see the problem with splitting ashes. I would like to do the same with my sister's ashes but again my family have other ideas and it is all still too painful for us to speak about let alone come to an agreement, and this is 10 years since her death. Right now things are immeasureably painful for FIL's family and emotions are high. I would suggest to your DH and SIL that they wait a while, grieve and see how they feel in a few months. There's no time limit on scattering/doing something else with the ashes. Maybe think about doing whatever they decide on his birthday or anniversary, but whatever they decide now, if it is not right for everybody, will only cause resentment, hurt and much more complicated grief.

OP - just to say I didn't mean to be dismissive of your grief as I don't know your relationship with your FIL, so I apologise really if I came across that way (just read my post back). But please ensure no one dismisses SIL's grief because she is being "difficult" - again, I don't know her, but I know what it's like to be overruled by other grieving relatives and ignored in my grief and I'm not even a little bit over it, so your post touched close to home.

Surely It's irrelevant whether posters think it's distasteful of not. If the FIL wanted his ashes scattered somewhere specific then that's what should happen.

This is my lovely mum. Less than half a teaspoon of her ashes. I love the way they sparkle. I think it's beautiful to have some of her still with me. It's at times like this I'm glad I have no siblings so can do just what I want to.

Your DH doesn't really know what his father would have said- he's only guessing

I doubt that. Most of us know our parents pretty well by the time we reach adulthood. It's never once occurred to me to discuss this with my parents, but I know that my father would be horrified at the idea of putting his ashes through a manufacturing process to make some sort of ornamental object.

No problem, Copper... It's a very emotive subject, and we all have our own experiences to colour our opinions, which are all equally valid.

Can't really drip-feed any more info - suffice to say that there are more than 2 siblings involved. My DH is very laid-back and a people-pleaser normally, unlike his much more dominant siblings. Think it fair to say that the relationships are already fractured, for many other pre-existing reasons. FIL's recent death has polarised many older grievances, and my poor DH is utterly worn down at being overruled yet again.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented. I respect all your opinions.

To everyone else who has experienced loss...

But you're dead, so it is irrelevant. You can't rule from the grave.

Manifestly untrue, given the existence of wills. But shouldn't we all respect the wishes of the people we love anyway? Take that to its logical conclusion and we could ignore the wishes of a relative who wants to be buried in a specific spot, and have them cremated and flush their remains into the sewers.

I don't think it's distasteful. The amount of ash needed is tiny, less than a teaspoon with any excess being returned. I don't really see how you can refuse - the ashes aren't a possession owned by your DH, SIL has equal rights

They are either a possession to be owned or they are not. If not then no rights exist

you cant just not let her. Poor woman

It's her father, right? In which case, let her do what she needs to do to grieve.

It wouldn't be to my taste either, but a friend has a crystal ring made from her DF's ashes and she loves it.

I think it could bring comfort to some.

I can't really take it very seriously though.

After my friends dad had passed away she told me about something he'd said when a niece mentioned it to him.

'What for? So you can post a picture on that bloody twitter book I bet. No thanks.

Besides how do you know what bit your gonna get? For all you know you could have the ashes of my saggy cock and balls hanging around your neck. Ha!'

I loved that man