To find this distasteful?

[JunosRevenge]

My dear FIL died recently. FIL requested cremation, and wished for ashes to be scattered (along with those of another deceased close family member).

SIL has asked DH if she can remove some of the ashes to be turned into some kind of glass keepsake. DH is horrified at this idea. He says it is the last thing his DF would have wanted, and I must say I agree with him.

Advice is required from the wise heads of MN. DH doesn't want to cause offence, but he's at a loss as to what to say to his DSis (who is on a notoriously short fuse at the best of times...)

Help!!!

My father and I were very close. I adored him and he adored me. During his life he did everything he could to take away every bit of my pain or suffering he could. I sincerely believe that he would have agreed to anything that would have brought me a moment's comfort after his death but he'd have been pretty miffed at me denying my siblings the same.

If your husband feels so strongly about his father's remains being split up, get him to sit with the idea of giving them all to his sister. I think that will make the thought of handing over a tiny amount much easier for him.

I personally don't find this distasteful at all. And it's a shame that your SIL won't be able to do this thing that she wants.

It's quite a new thing to do I guess and I can't imagine your FIL had any idea it was even possible. He might have thought it was ok!

But as he wanted his ashes scattered somewhere specific then I think that needs to be done.

I would donate any part of myself whilst I'm alive to help my DD, so if she wanted a little bit of me when I'm dead why would I mind?

As long as your FIL loved his daughter he would be fine with what she wanted if it gave her comfort, of course he would.

Have seen some lovely cushions made from shirts with messages on

She (SIL) has lost her dad too and if this helps her in her grief please tell your husband to back off. In life, would your FIL have put his own happiness before that of his children? I doubt it. So please just encourage your husband to let his sister have her own way of keeping her father close to her.

I've told my kids they can each have some of me to do as they wish. DS fancies a tattoo and dd a Diamond. Though a firework would be cool!!

I think if the sister's wishes are denied, she might consider taking some ashes after they are scattered, depending on circumstances of course. This obviously could distress both her and your dh.

I think it would be a very kind thing to agree to her request.

I am sorry for your loss and although I would agree with your SIL I dont know how to see a way through to be honest. To be fair, cremation does mean that not all of the remains are there as already been an element of dispersal.

I think calling it distasteful is a bit much though. We all consider death and grief in our own way. Some of the places that scattering of ashes takes place like mountain tops are ecologically sensitive (phosphates), distressing for staff (think outdoor parks and museums), in rivers used to syphon for drinking water, beaches (popular ones at busy times), and windy days in busy areas etc. All of which are more arguably more distasteful than separating a bit of the ashes and making keepsakes.

Without being too crude, if someone is cremated it's not like they're going to be able to collect every last piece of ash that was once part of that person. It's just not practical. Some of it will end up in a landfill somewhere anyway. I don't see what harm it would do to give SiL some of the ashes if that will help her get over her DF's death.

My mam died after a very short fight with lung cancer. She was cremated and wanted to be interred with her mams mam. My nan still has her ashes in her spare room and cannot bear to part with them. At 1st I was upset we weren't upholding my mams wishes, but realised how important it is for my nan to keep them (she's lost 2 children now bless her) When my nan goes, I'll have them both interred with my great nan.

My view on this is once I'm dead, my wishes don't really matter any more. I've told them I'd like to donate any organs, tissue etc that's usable and I'd rather be cremated but if they wanted to handle it differently, who am I to complain? I'd want them to do whatever brings them the most comfort.

Personally I would give the SIL some of the ashes. There will still be plenty to scatter and it might help her come to terms with the loss of her father.

Sorry for your loss. The last thing families need at a time like this is conflict.

Presuming your FIL loved his daughter deeply and would do anything to help her pain then I think your dh should let her have some.
Mourning jewellery isn't my thing at all but if it would comfort my child after my death I'd do anything to help.

Some of the places that scattering of ashes takes place like mountain tops are ecologically sensitive (phosphates)

This is what we did with my father. The mountains and skiing were his life. He died very young after an awful illness that rendered him unconscious for the final 16 days of his life. To scatter his ashes in the place he found the most happy was never up for debate. It's not distasteful. The national park knows people have done it; their only stipulation is that there can be no plaques.

I don't think it's distasteful. I've seen people tattoo ashes into their skin. I find that a bit distasteful, but everyone grieves differently. I wouldn't presume to tell someone how they should grieve. I think she should grieve how she wants and everyone should respect that.

DH just feels strongly that he would not have wanted his earthly remains split up in this way

Was he a good dad? Did he love his daughter? I would have thought that he would have wanted her to find comfort however she could, and he wouldn't have wanted any upset between his children over something like this.
He's gone, he can't care what happens now. And scattering ashes is splitting up the remains, to the wind. Is it really a big deal?

I think I'm grief all emotions are magnified. Something you may find a bit odd (I've seen that jewellery and thought so) suddenly becomes a horrific thought. I think you have to allow the sil to do what she'd like but your dh can expresss that he would not like to see it. As others have said, ashes will not be all together anyway as that will disperse during cremation so the separating bit isn't a valid argument. However, if your dh finds it distasteful then I think he can express that he doesn't want to see the final result.

Bear in mind that your DH risks destroying his relationship with his sister forever. Is it worth it?

I honestly don't know. I know where I wish to be scattered.
But I will be dead so how important is it for all of my bone fragments to be scattered in the same place? I think I love my daughter more.
So...if funerals are for the living and my child sought comfort in having some ashes then who am I to forbid that in my last will and testament?
I think with five pounds of ashes she could have some if she wanted.

I don't think it's distasteful at all, but feelings get heightened at times like this.

My relationship with one of my brothers has never recovered from an even more minor issue than this over my mother's ashes. Let her have some of the ashes. I guarantee that if you don't you will come to regret it bitterly.

No I don't think what she is asking is distasteful, l but her dad wanted all of his ashes scattered so that is what needs to happen

The one thing i felt was important about my dad's ashes was that they were scattered in one place. I wouldn't be able to bear them being separated.

UnbornMortificado

I know.
I am so sorry for your loss.
That is why I wanted cremation for my son.
I am not ready to do anything with his ashes yet. My DH respects that completely. When we feel ready we will discuss it with our living children and decide together. We may well split the ashes. But it is still too soon. (4 months).

I think there are two separate issues here:

1. I, personally, do not at all like the keeping ashes or turning them into jewellery. I wouldn't do it to a relative. But this isn't really relevant to this situation. Whether 1% or 99% or Mumsnet find it abhorent or the best idea ever, it's what your sister-in-law wants.

1. The wishes of the dead person should be respected. If FIL left a will or other written document stating that he wished to have the ashes scattered in x location, then that is what should happen to the totality of the ashes. If it was just an informal chat when he said 'I'd love to be scattered here' then that isn't really specific enough to say that he would have opposed the taking of a small amount of the corpse for jewellery and so all the close family should try to reach a mutual decision, which may mean letting SIL have her way.

I have a page on fb who sells things like this and they make it in to rings and neckless etc and it's really nice to help people grieve in their own way if this helps them then why not.

I don't think I would be horrified at this at all and I think you DH should honour her request if this helps her deal with the loss of her dad. It's really not that big of a deal.

I think unless someone stipulates they do not want to be kept (in an urn, jewellery, whatever) then saying I'd like to be scattered in x place, doesn't necessarily mean I have to be scattered, just that if you do, then I'd like it to be there. There are always lessons to be learnt in life, death & MN threads, we can all take something from this thread.

My Dad wouldn't have even known/thought about being able to use his ashes in jewellery or whatever and would probably have said he'd like to be scattered at 'x' (he was only 60 & his death was sudden - he'd never said what he wanted) but there's not a single thing we could do with them, that would bring us comfort that he'd object to. He'd have given his life for any of us, let alone his ashes. I'd give anything to have him and not his ashes.

I've read more posts since last night and as hard as it might be for your DH, I think he should 'allow', with good grace, his sister to take whatever ashes she wants before scattering the rest. I still don't feel it's 'right' to split up the ashes, but on balance I think it's 'less wrong' to deny her what she needs.