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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

524 replies

Ruralbliss · 20/01/2017 16:25

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 22/01/2017 13:26

dh was being derogatory calling women birds? wow you dont say!

know what i did when a desperate ex messaged me on fb? ignored him, ive moved on you see and had zero interest in trying to relive the good old days, ifhe was amazing id still be with him. my lifeisnt perfect by any stretch, noones is as evidenced by this thread, but its not missing something that i need from some guy i knew for a few years, friendship or dick wise

Emmageddon · 22/01/2017 13:32

OP you were the one who said I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead so why are you calling posters who have said exactly the same thing, bigoted and nasty?

Meet up with the ex, by all means, show him how the fit bird he dated decades ago, has evolved into a MILF. Wink

Shockers · 22/01/2017 13:35

Just to be absolutely clear, Ruralbliss, I mentioned your twins sn, but was in no way sniggering. My DD has sn too.

I gave advice earlier because I have been in a similar situation. I realised that the feelings I was experiencing were those of my 24 year old self... someone who was long gone and couldn't resurface because of all the living and loving I'd done in the 20 years that had passed.

The giddiness etc. was suggestive of someone who wasn't in the right frame of mind to go ahead with a meet up.

You asked for advice and, with all that in mind, advice from (mostly) well meaning people who were giving their time, was forthcoming. What you do with that advice is now completely your decision.

GahBuggerit · 22/01/2017 13:43

fwiw i dont find your style or life especially strange, apart from seeking out an ex to add to your tribe. i used to love the idea that i was unusual and a bit 'out there' (fcking cringe, i was a grown up ffs!) but there is no such thing nowadays, to say so is all a bit "ooooh im crazy me!"

so rest assured op youre perfectly normal Smile

Only1scoop · 22/01/2017 13:50

I only find oddness in the lengths you go to to inform a bunch of Internet 'birds'....just how Zany, far out there, individual and retro you are.

No need to try so hard.

scaryclown · 22/01/2017 14:07

oh shit. listen to 'onlyone' trying to bitch sooo hard its painful... 0/10

OP there are a few PM gangs who get all miffed if you dont get doubtful and insecure when they peddle paranoia. Theyll all be PMing each other and looking up my old posts now Quite tragic really.

PollyPerky · 22/01/2017 14:09

Rural I don't think you should feed the people here who are looking for a fight. Stop digging that hole!

If you feel it's the right thing to do, having weighed up the possible consequences, then just do it.

No one else is you so do what YOU want. you may find MN lacking in empathy a lot of the time for things like this.

gincamelbak · 22/01/2017 14:12

Is mentioning Trump the new mentioning Hitler?

If so, well done OP.

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 22/01/2017 14:35

Knock Knock......

Goodluck OP and thanks to all those who've offered encouragement. Flowers

therealpippi · 22/01/2017 15:05

Aside from what rural does or is I find the behaviour of some allegedly grown up women in this thread diagraceful. Most of you would condemn it if it was done in a school
and directed at your daughter, no matter what she did.

Rural Like others said, resist the temptation and stop feeding the witchhunters. Leave the thread, get on with your life and enjoy meeting and catching up with your ex/friend.

CaraAspen · 22/01/2017 15:13

"scaryclown

oh shit. listen to 'onlyone' trying to bitch sooo hard its painful... 0/10

OP there are a few PM gangs who get all miffed if you dont get doubtful and insecure when they peddle paranoia. Theyll all be PMing each other and looking up my old posts now Quite tragic really."

What are you doing here, then, if it's all so tragic. Sure you are not really a scared clown?!

spongebob5 · 22/01/2017 15:42

The pp who mentioned MN bingo got it in one! Hmm

PollyPerky · 22/01/2017 15:52

Oh just stop it, all of you.

MNHQ have popped along twice to give a mild finger wagging. Take the point?

MuteButtonisOn · 22/01/2017 15:54

Trump bingo!

notyetpastit · 22/01/2017 15:58

Having been in a very similar situation myself I would say don't do it.

Ruining a happy marriage for the sake of some excitment with a long ago ex is not worth it.

Only1scoop · 22/01/2017 16:49

What on earth is a 'PM gang'

Emmageddon · 22/01/2017 17:02

Only1scoop Post-menopausal gang? Pre-menstrual gang? I'm not sure I want to be a member of either gang.

Emmageddon · 22/01/2017 17:07

OP what if your gorgeous ex has put on a stone for every year you've been apart? Or had some dreadful disfiguring injury? Would you still be acting like a grinning, love struck teen? Or would you feel a little bit sad and a little bit sorry, and count your blessings that you dodged that bullet?

PussInCoutts · 22/01/2017 17:17

making secret rendezvous plans and making him out to be something he wasn't to me

It does sound like you had an eye out for an affair, just by the way you've posted.

I do wonder why you asked if you were going to meet up with him anyway.

I once fantasized about an ex while with H. I am now divorced from H and don't spend any time thinking of fantasy ex. Turns out I had a dysfunctional dynamic with exhusband and that prompted me to unconsciously start looking for a replacement. I didn't admit it to myself, though, because everyone told me my H was perfect and how lucky I was, and I believed them even though I felt something wasn't right. My gut feelings were since proven true.

I shared that experience just in case it might be helpful.

Serialweightwatcher · 22/01/2017 17:30

So you've had to research to convince yourself there's nothing in it? Doesn't that tell you something? Like I said previously, if there was no chance of feelings coming into it, you'd have not needed advice in the first place and just gone ...... what do you think he wants to become of all this?

Servicesupportforall · 22/01/2017 17:40

My advice op leave well alone and keep the past in the past where it should be.

The curse of friends reunited is real and dangerous.

chasingrainbows27 · 22/01/2017 17:42

OP You talked repeatedly of how he wouldn't be interested in you physically in the first post but then continue to say that you think he still has feelings for you and is 'male model material'.

If this thread is true you come across as very self absorbed. Might be time to come back to earth and stop romanticising the past?

daisychain01 · 22/01/2017 18:10

I feel for your 'cool' DH - what must he really be feeling while you're investing all your energy into an ex from 25years ago. I bet he must be bored rigid by the mentionitis, at the very least.

However much you try to self-justify, a bit of trust dies every time you carry on with a stunt like this.

daisychain01 · 22/01/2017 18:11

Delusional is a word that comes to mind.....

GahBuggerit · 22/01/2017 18:27

sorry slight thread hijack here but i reckon someone will know and i cant log in to have a look not that i cant remember my password eeek but does Linked in only show profile pictures of people who you are connected with? i know they have changed the format recently so is this a new feature?