AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

Meeting him with your husband and him meeting you with his wife (assuming he is married or in a long term relationship)- is that an option? Satisfies curiosity

I just don't get ehy would anyone want to go with their partner to meet someone the partner used to sleep with.

Thanks TheHarpy

The posters who have said what are we all like if a grown up happily married woman can't meet someone who was dear to her and has not known whether they are alive or dead for quarter of a century have helped me realise that the MN population may have changed over the 11 or so years I've been using it as my main source of wisdom gathering.

I guess I'm in a minority way of thinking but I'm still grateful for the unexpected en-masse doomer hysteria this thread incited as otherwise may have spent the return train journey home on Fri emailing the ex, making secret rendezvous plans and making him out to be something he wasn't to me.

The feelings and excitement of a first date were there but because of this thread I've stepped back, thought about all the advice, thought about my current life and how much I love it and what I'm hoping to get out of reconnecting with ex (a distant platonic friendship which will last until the end of our lives if the Internet stays with us). The chance to congratulate him on getting to where he is now & if he has kids possibly getting together with our respective partners and offspring.

Nobody knows what lies ahead for them in life & having suffered several shitty tragedies I'm also hoping for an additional to my tribe so that if/when a crisis occurs in the future I've got another metaphorical hand to hold mine as I work through whatever the hell it might be.

I'm pretty certain now that this connection won't lead to an EA or a physical one but I do think it may well have done if I hadn't conducted this research as I was high on strange giddy feelings when he wrote back so quickly and therefore I really hope this serves as a cautionary post to people finding themselves in a similar circumstance - especially those who are not as happy in their current existence as I am.

Research?
you mean asking on mumsnet?

you last paragraph is very telling op

This happened to me. I would meet up, but in public. I'd let your partner know where and what time you are coming back - we had coffe and food late afternoon to early evening. Don't stay out late don't drink alcohol.

Me neither MrsPeelyWally! Such odd advice. Can you imagine - what would poor DH be doing as we rattled through the 'so what happened to your dodgy brother? Is your mum still around?' Qs - totally inappropriate suggestion. Laughable really. 'Oh my god Ex look how grown up you are - this is DH - he doesn't trust me to keep my mitts off you so insisted on chaperoning me - DH this is ex - sorry you feel so insecure about him. You just sit over there auditing our (very dull to you) catch up conversation and making sure we don't play footsie under the table while we share the highlights and lowlights of the past 25 years then we can all head home!' That scenario mos def would not work for us!

This was v much echoed by DH's response on the suggestion. Sorry he called you all 'birds'. I told you he is hilarious.

Keep telling yourself everything's ok OP...

I'm sure you have an extremely active sex life with your DH so why on earth would you gush over an ex so much?! and not want to meet any of the other exes

There was a really interesting DJ on radio years ago who said something along the lines of why exes shouldn't be friends, in my case too.

I've only ever been friendly with one ex and the rest, well they're exes for a reason.

ilovesooty of course Any Fucker is sometimes wrong but she generally and succinctly nails it which is which I admire her posts...

She cuts through the crap far quicker than I ever could!

Yep a range of research in the mere 24 hours that elapsed between my writing to him and ex getting back to me:

• a chat with the school friend I stayed with that night

• a text to my bezzer who reminded me that ex was a good partner on paper but never roused the feelings of mustmarryhimnow that DH did the night we met

• a google search which resulted in the Pyschology Today article posted below but no MN post which covered the same territory hence decision to...

• posting on MN for a broader range of opinions than just my BM & school friend

I didn't need to do this much research but I am a fairly wise person and do like to have as much info as possible before doing something new.

This felt like a new circumstance to which I had no protocol to go on.

I'm bloody glad I posted as I do think I could have taken a different knee-jerk path which may have resulted in a much more emotionally charged meet up than it should be - possibly without including DH in the latest.

This post helped despite me ignoring all the hysterical posts of being a bored mum on the verge of chucking it all in for an old boyf.
In many ways the hystericals were correct as I do think without this much thought I would have emailed back with potential dates, looked forward to meeting up, looked at old photos with rose tinted ones stuck to my face but instead I'm feeling rational, well informed and secure in my relationship with DH.

oh you are so disingenuous op. had you not been so, so very immature and gushy and over the top with your wording you would have receivec very different replies, and you know this, so all of this fake "oh my im so shocked that other womenfeel they couldnt trust themselves its such a shame they arent as confident and happy as me" bullshit is just blatent backpeddling now, even more so than the actual blatent backpeddling post at thd start of the thread.

the fact is, if you really were happy, confident and whatever, you wouldnt have used the initial descriptives you did. i wonder if youre not as cool with your dh meeting up with 2 of his exes as you think and this is a bit of tit for tat?

(the above also stands as a critique of a character if anyone is considering writing a short novel along a similar line)

Oh your DH is truly 'hilarious'
Über Hilaire

There's a world of difference between platonic friends from the opposite sex and ex partners.

You've said yourself Ruralbliss that meeting up could have descended into some sort of affair, you were giggly and gushing about the email contact. That is the warning sign. Did you tell your DH that? Or just that MN has changed and members are hysterically telling you that danger lies ahead?

Fair enough, meet up. But don't be posting about how how ridiculous people are about this whole thing when you know that you were getting first date feelings about the while thing.

Platonic friendship is great. But trying to force an ex into the "really great friendship, there in times of need" place when it hasn't organically grown that way over time is unrealistic.

Yes, life is short. But ask yourself why it is so important to have this ex in your life, why is it so important that he becomes a "hold your hand when things get tough" friend when you describe him as either really, really, ridiculously good looking or a bit dull. What is it you want?

And. What does he want? He answered near instantaneously? Is he looking for a friend? Is he just curious? A lot of the post is about what you want out of this, and how he will fit into your life. Not a notion about what he may want from you - an affair? A one off meeting? Long term friendship where your children and partners meet and you all happily bound off into the sunset?

Thanks scaryclown. I luffs you.

and a grown up man calling women birds screams of someone trying to be yooffull and edgy and is the very opposite of hilarious

also find it sad that a 47 yrar old confident woman couldnt facilitate a flow of conversation between two people who dont know each other. maybe look for some research regarding how to make effective introductions?

also maybe look at your current friendships and relationships and consider why you feel you need to add someone you shagged for just 2 years to your support network.

The mere fact you researched the article OP suggests to me either:-

a). Problems in your marriage which you think an affair will solve.

b) needing an article to validate why meeting up in this case is wrong.

c) telling us your weekend shenanigans (I've got a busy life me, no time for an affair!).

The final stuff about your sex life etc, if you're content about it you don't need to scream about it from the rooftops!

Seriously if my best friend (bezzy or otherwise!) posted or told me half the stuff you told me I'd be concerned for her marriage.

Anyway hope all's well now you've decided not to meet up and relationships is good if you want to address other ishoos!

Also a straw poll here of posters reads something like 10 etc not in favour, 3 saying go for it.

Why ask a question if you then don't like the answer?

thanks op.

I too am amazed at the chaperoning idea..how ridiculous! why set up real awkwardness by implying awkwardness then attempt to alleviate it with awkwardness?!?.

if DH went along it would either be two people going on and on about old times..that would leave DH out, amd make him feel like 'something is going on' or it would block the whole conversation into a tense 'haha yes of course we are relaxed..whats your house worth affair...or maybe just about a 'let me explain why thats funny ' tedious affair... all this 'consider why you need ' shit is ridiculous. those posters should 'consider why' they want to cold-water fun that they are not having more like.

Theres nothing 'deficient' or weird in liking people you used to like or wanting to catch up with old version of you...

but if you want to be an armchair psychologist.. integration.of past experiemces with current experiemces is healthy. knowing people you used to know is healthy, msking out all exes are psychos and all friendliness is suspect and 'the past should be forgotton' isnt. forgetting the past is what scientology tries on you.

It's neither here nor there whether anyone but me thinks my DH is hilarious or not but I do suspect his choice of words for a collection of women was derogatory as I'd warmed him up to the tone of the thread and what loads of scaremongering was going down.

And superflyhigh the majority rules shit is what gets trump elected and sheep killed.

Now I luffs you even more scaryclown!

Do you think I should confess my feelings for you to DH? We need to be extremely careful about how this might progress. How about you and your DH & my DH approve future postings to make sure my feelings don't get out of control....

Yep. 2017 is definitely the year to listen to what the herd is bleating and then make your own independent mind up

Anyway even if it is weird.. you'll have done it, not been all 'woargh all men are dangerous grimms fairy tale about it. It is important that you are both in a good place about this, and prepared for the memory increase! (and for older skin and hair lol!)

OP you are hilarious.

Now get back to having fabulous sex....

i''m pretty certain now that this connection won't lead to an EA or a physical one but I do think it may well have done if I hadn't conducted this research as I was high on strange giddy feelings when he wrote back so quickly and therefore I really hope this serves as a cautionary post to people finding themselves in a similar circumstance - especially those who are not as happy in their current existence as I am.

is what you said earlier op.
you have backed down, and this helped you come to your senses.

let it go