AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

lol Yowzers. This thread certainly got completely off track!

Ruralbliss I think you should meet him. My DP has remained in contact with all h exes sometimes I come along if they are meeting up and sometimes not. It's not a problem, we have a strong committed relationship and love each other. They are not a threat and remaining in contact demystifies and normalises things.
I also have remained in contact or got back in touch with exes, brief chats on messenger to catch up but no inclination to meet up. However, one ex - first love from age 14 to 19 - not on social media at all and, like you, I had often wondered about him. Partly as my sister died in her thirties and he had been like an older brother to her in our teenage years. I wanted to share stories with him about her and just reminisce - like you would with a best friend. My DP was forever saying that we should meet up but I had no way of contacting him.
Anyway I bumped into him - completely unexpectedly - at a get together with some old school friends.
It was great to see him, we talked, reminisced, caught up etc. I didn't think it at all strange that we would want to know what had happened to each other over the course of our lives.
My DP picked me up at the end of the evening and met him. It was all absolutely fine and despite our previous close and intense relationship I had no desire to jack my lovely life in and run away with him. Plus he's a happily married man.
What it did do though was cure the curiousity and normalise things - IYSWIM.

Ask yourself why you want to meet him. Sounds like you not happy and looking around. Dont! If not happy sort or end with dh first.

If you want to meet him then take your chances with you, after all you have nothing to hide.

Nope I'm busy moving furniture, painting scenery for a Harry Potter party, cooking dinner & putting laundry out!

I thought your DH had coincidentally asked you to sort the photos, so you were going to have a 'trip down memory lane'?

Seriously though - 2/10. You get an extra mark for being unintentionally hilarious.

I just fancy a Capri Sun after reading this bizarre thread

Hi everyone. Just a gentle reminder to steer away from the troll hunting and accusations of sockpuppeting on the thread. We have checked out the OP and have no reason to suspect she is not legit. Ta.

Sounds like an itch you really should not scratch.

I get the curiosity, how nice it would be to feel like a twenty something again. I really do.

But somethings are best left alone. And this seems a no brainer.

I think you should concentrate on the here and now and leave things be.

Doubt you will though.

i think the clue is in op's dh seeking out his exes.
i would not like my dh seeking out his old exes.
there is one on the scene and she always makes sure I am around. she is aware.
i dont think we are unusual.
this couple seem unaware

You know what I really hate about most of this thread? The way that most posters are patronising and downright nasty.

The nasty comments say more about them, than the OP.

It's as if an adult woman can't be trusted to have a trip down memory lane without it escalating into a full blown affair or the destruction of her marriage.

It's just incredibly childish and narrow minded to think that two mature adults can't meet, reminisce about old times, feel fond of each other, maybe maintain some kind of casual friendship, but not get into bed or break up their families.

It's completely normal to want to know what happened to previous significant others. It's not being disloyal to current partners. I agree the OP was a bit 'gushy' and Barbara Cartland-esque in her first post, but the feelings behind it were genuine.

All the drama about 'you will regret this' and 'that way madness lies ' (Why do posters insist on quoting from King Lear??? Do they even know it is?!)
Is in itself madness!

People on the thread have reacted to the OP's language. She set the tone. If she had said she was simply interested in catching up then I don't think the responses would have been the same.

What Pollyperky said.

I'm another one who is baffled as to why you are being given such a hard time.

I am always curious about exes just as I am curious about old friends I've lost touch with. I don't see how this equates into wanting to rekindle things or leave my perfectly happy marriage.

'Sour cows' from the 'Op' and 'unknown bitches' from her D 'diamond' of a DH.

All we need is Lovely Friend....

Stop stalking your exes on tinternet it's unhealthy.

I think most people cautioning against meeting up are doing so because of the over enthusiasm and language used in your OP and subsequent offerings Ruralbliss. This doesn't sound like someone who is a bit curious, it sounds like someone desperate to meet a significant ex. You keep referring to how good looking he is and how successful he is. It sounds like someone sizing a prospective new partner up.

Reading letters and looking at old photos will just fuel the fire of "how WONDERFUL he is". Maybe he will be a well-photoshopped middle aged man with an active career in talking himself up. Maybe he really will be gorgeous and uber successful. What next? After decades doff searching for him, will you have one meeting and leave with all your questions answered? Will you keep meeting up?

I've got a few exes littering the place. But I don't feel the need to search for them or ponder how they are or feel desperate to meet them. So someone expressing such a desire to do so seems quite extreme. My DH has some exes but I don't think he is looking to meet them. If he did, I'd find it a bit odd but more so if he had admitted to spending decades actively looking for them. I'd wonder what he was looking for. His past youth? Past glory to be repeated? Who knows.

Fair enough, meet your ex OP. being aware of the potential of falling for him all over again is even more important when you spend time writing posts gushing about how amazing he is.

Well, I'm neither the OP nor PollyPerky, and I think the hysteria is hilarious but then I've always found the double standards on male-female friendships (risky, EA territory, needing to be strictly policed by the significant other) and strip clubs ('Ooh, it's cheating?' Or is it? 'It's only cheating if he gets a private dance!' 'It's normal for stag weekends/business conferences his friends/boss made him do it!' 'It's fine if he tells me, and I'm totally cool with it!', while completely ignoring the objectification and commodification of women) pretty odd .

The only potential risks I'd be warning the OP of is whether re encountering her ex will (a) possibly end in her feeling very let down because the lovely ex may emerge as a Daily Mail reader who thinks Trump is misunderstood, talks a lot about property values, and spits when talking, thereby retro-tainting happy memories, or, more seriously (b) bring back painful memories of the pregnancy and termination.

And to those who are sniggering at the fact that the OP would rule out infidelity because she's not going to get naked with a semi-stranger because of lack of body confidence -- come on, this is a significant factor in why some emotional affairs do not turn physical. Of course it is!

Sorry 'birds'

It's the language used in OP's first post, the obsessing about his and her past and present good looks and the fact that she wasn't bothered by any of her previous exes but was by this one. In her subsequent posts she's ramped up the gushing about him and it does not sound sane!

Really comes across as stalkerish at least...

I think she personally needs a really good shag and her DH isn't seeing to her needs in this regard.

There are exes and old friends I've lost touch with (parting of the ways pre-internet, and, being Irish, Google gives you about five thousand Declan Murphys or Deirdre O'Riordans, so your old friend/ex could be an insurance salesman in Slough or a midwife in Albuquerque or a religious maniac in rural Armagh or any one of a thousand other things), and I would probably feel giddy with nostalgia if one of them got back in touch.

OP before you make a final decision, read up about Emotional affairs, and suggest your DH does the same.

You are focused on the sexual attraction between you and ex - but there is a far greater threat to your marriage than a quick romp with an ex, or even a kiss.

do it! You are on the planet once..don't be frightened of things just because other people are..i think it will be lovely.

i can't believe so many people think being excited or liking someone a lot is a sign of insanity!!! you miserable fearful unemotional weirdos!

I just take it from the way I read it, but it seems that the original post was so gushy about this man and pushing the fact that your life is so wonderful he couldn't possibly be a threat to your DH .... in that case you seem like the kind of person who wouldn't need to ask advice if there were no feelings there at all. That is why I think it is a dodgy thing to do. I agree that meeting an old flame doesn't necessarily mean anything untoward will go on in your head or in real life, but you're too excited/full of very emotional memories like it happened yesterday and far too quick to justify your wanting to meet up after trying to track him down for so too long. Go carefully because you will be transported back to easier times in your mind as soon as you see him.

I think without knowing you and your husband it's difficult to judge whether this is likely to be a positive experience or not.

And superflyhigh I'm sure AF isn't so arrogant as to claim she is never wrong.

Well said onemorecupofcoffee you're scenario is v similar to mine & tbh what I expected 75% of posters to respond with.

Thanks again Polly, Debbie and MNHQ for putting across the alternative views which I'm so surprised not to have found more of in response to my OP

I posted on Mumsnet the day ex & I got back in touch because I was due diligence about a physical meet up after so many years & had read this article having surprised myself at how ecstatic the contact had made me feel:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201110/my-research-12-facts-about-lost-love-reunions

I did get all my photos down last night and had a lovely time reminiscing about old pets, relatives and how cute our kids were as toddlers. I then came across a stash of photos of ex from the two years we were together including a few cringey boudoir shots. I got out some old diaries to check some hazy dates (when did my friend get ill, how long had ex and I been together when we got pregnant etc) and a couple of old love letters fell out - him to me and me to him which were sweet to read but made me cringe rather than get misty eyed.

I remembered exactly why he was nice but not someone I wanted to be with for the very long term although he had the looks, the kindness and so on. He was quiet, shy, not very witty, slightly melancholy & prioritised work over fun which I guess has been the secret of his apparent success.

My DH on the other hand who I met a year later (a shock revelation from diary analysis in my head there were a few years between them) is witty, sociable, chatty and upbeat. We fancy each other v much and have it off as often as we can with kids that go to bed later than us!