AIBU to meet up with my lovely ex after 25 years?

[Ruralbliss]

I'm very happily married to a gorgeous man who makes me laugh, same values etc three nice teenage kids, lovely house, great career etc All good. Lucky me.

For a number of years (5-10?) I've idly wondered what my smashing boyfriend of yesteryear has been up to since we split amicably we were 22. He was gorgeous, hard working and extremely thoughtful & kind. He supported me through the tragic death of my dear friend and together we staggered through an unwanted pregnancy & resulting abortion. I instigated the split just before my final year at university (we were at different universities but from the same home town) as I was a bit of an emerging party animal and he wasn't. Occasionally I'd think of him and look at photos or letters but not very often but if I did I assumed he'd settled down with someone else.

Whenever I thought of him I'd do a bit of online searching which never yielded any results (fairly common names so no surprise) and gradually got more and more worried that perhaps he'd suffered an untimely death & I was none the wiser.

This week I finally found him online - doing v well for himself it would appear & checked with DH that he was ok with me getting in touch with him (yes). Drafted an email which resulted in a near instant response & a big yes to a possible in person meet up, mutual usage of old pet names, how amazing it was to hear from me & how he'd also tried to locate me.

As soon as I received the email I felt like a grinning, love struck teen & haven't been able to get him out of my head, reading his our email exchanges over & over and wondering when/where we'll be able to meet.

It now feels risky and a little bit secretive & although I'm soooo looking forward to seeing him again after so many years I'm also conscious that I may be wandering into dangerous territory and possibly re-introducing someone into my life which may cause emotional traumas ahead.

So, wise Mumsnet collective AIBU to go ahead with arranging a date to meet up with mister gorgeous from the past to find out how his mum is, whether he has kids, his extraordinary career etc or is this a big no no as being naive about what this could lead to?

If IANBU then any suggestions of the format and logistics of where to meet up very much welcomed (a nice bar with waiter service I figured was best as too much chat to be had & don't want to talk with my mouthful!)

hmm its your DH that has the best attitude. i bet he's a little fluttery about it, but its an amazing opportunity. just out of curiosity did your ex have no online presence? i've been thinking about people i used to know who seem nowhere online and it would be great to know they might still be around. ..

OP - why are you being so ungracious while at the same time admitting that the responses have been a wake up call?

Also; what did ex say in his reply to you that have you saying he is doing very very well, and über successful?

Hang about... your 8 year old and two 13 yr olds with sn stay up later than you do?

Yes scaryclown nothing online at all that I could find but caveats with the fact he has a fairly common first & surname. Several profiles that may have been his but no way of knowing which one if any. Each time I thought 'ah well keeping a low profile as many people do OR he died & I just didn't know'

This week a search brought up a number of profiles of him published by several magazines over the past year with a photos and a biog details thus revealing his current position and 100% confirmation of it being him. Such relief that he hadn't come to an untimely end nor crawled into the gutter along the way. I was then able to get in touch via LinkedIn which he loved and claimed he'd looked for me over the years but also keep a low online profile.

Yeh maybe DH is a bit fluttery inside but he doesn't need to and isn't showing him.

Yes! Our SN 13 year olds do go to bed much later than 9.30 which is when we go to bed - their SN mean they've never had settling down as a core competency. I can't believe people are still verifying my facts & insinuating I've made some of my life up.

OP you're a full on freak

I was then able to get in touch via LinkedIn which he loved and claimed he'd looked for me over the years but also keep a low online profile.

Nah. Mans freaked out with your constant stalking of him and the inability to let go after 25 years.

FB stalking is all well and good, I've done it, we've all done it.

But to do it now, when you're married? Why?

It's like my mum googling her first husband, she wouldn't do it, as no point. That ship has sailed. Plus he had an affair that ended their marriage. She has friends who may know of him but they're tactful enough to keep Schtum if anything!

Can of worms and all that.

Ignoring all the shenanigans, but I read this thread at 1am with a vomiting toddler and then had a very lengthy dream about an old ex it was quite stressful tbh, I was relieved when DH woke me up by farting on my leg, reminding me that my life is all good now.

Catch your last sentence!

And this was only after a 2 year relationship dear god!

My story...

Was engaged at 21, broke it off, fiancé was Canadian and in army. I spent many years not thinking about him at all! Threw away his letters etc about 4 years ago. Googled out of interest once... Saw interesting stuff but related to him being in the army. Didn't bother anymore. Then got friend request which I stupidly accepted, he tried to restart our relationship from Canada, I also got a message via messenger from his ex SO warning me off him (he's dangerous, attacked her). All opened up a can of worms. Thank fuck he's moved on now as his new GF messaged me too... There was a crossover between him texting me and him starting to date her..,

I defriended him and don't think about him now. And that's how it should be.

I think in your head something has started that will mean this won't end well for you and your beautiful family that you have built. Don't do it, it's not worth it.

I didn't insinuate anything! I'd be a little shocked by anyone who said they let their school age kids stay up later than them, sn or not.

How do you know what time they finally get to sleep?

See,I get a bit when posters who describe their marriages/relationships as great,wonderful,brilliant etc but use ' he makes me laugh ' as the prime attribute.
Nothing wrong with having a laugh,Homer Simpson makes me laugh but I wouldn't want to be married to him.
Anyway,I see that you're intent on going through with this bonkers idea and hope that it doesn't end in tears ( bet it will though )
Good luck.

"PollyPerky

You know what I really hate about most of this thread? The way that most posters are patronising and downright nasty."

Hmmmmm

"All the drama about 'you will regret this' and 'that way madness lies ' (Why do posters insist on quoting from King Lear??? Do they even know it is?!)
Is in itself madness!"

Hahaha. Patronising much???!
Yeah most of us, if not all, on this thread will know the quotation. Did the play at school and in Year 2 of my English Lit course at one of the Ancients!!

Go me.

"onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

What Pollyperky said.

I'm another one who is baffled as to why you are being given such a hard time.

I am always curious about exes just as I am curious about old friends I've lost touch with. I don't see how this equates into wanting to rekindle things or leave my perfectly happy marriage."

...equates with...

"Only1scoop

'Sour cows' from the 'Op' and 'unknown bitches' from her D 'diamond' of a DH.

All we need is Lovely Friend....

Stop stalking your exes on tinternet it's unhealthy."

Wasn't it BIRDS - how very 1960s hmmmm - not bitches??!

OP since you're intent on doing this make sure you come back and report on all stages in your inimitable prose style.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

I absolutely insist on quoting Hamlet, personally.

"It's neither here nor there whether anyone but me thinks my DH is hilarious or not but I do suspect his choice of words for a collection of women was derogatory as I'd warmed him up to the tone of the thread and what loads of scaremongering was going down."

Going down!? You really are a relic from the 60s. Suits your OP and his hilarious "birds" reference, I suppose.

"Shockers

Hang about... your 8 year old and two 13 yr olds with sn stay up later than you do?"

Hmmmmmmmmm

It indeed was 'birds' as I corrected myself.

Op vair Retro though, as mid forties myself.... I used to cringe at my then 20 year old brother as he gillopid by in his Ford Capri

Cara let's not forget OP is far too busy having amazing sex to worry about her DCs bedtimes...

I recall basically thread started like this:-

OP - AIBU?

MN - yes don't do it

OP - stamps foot but he and I were both gorgeous plus I'm bored with DH (slipped in re DH)

MN - don't do it that way madness lies!

OP - you're all a load of bitches, now let me let DH deal with the SN kids whilst I stay with my 'bezzy' who also puts me right during our chat. Oh and let me research a nice psych article so it looks like i "know what I'm doing innit"

only was it Harry Enfield who did the song about "Wayne and Sharon in their ford caprina"?!

Super
I believe it was....
These are the times when we need to chew it over with our Besty.

Times like this you need Lovely friend

Only those who declared I was a troll and a sock puppet and sniggered at my SN twins are using bitchy language.

I've pointed out at least twice that I haven't ignored the majority voice and in fact have welcomed it as it influenced me and my decision making

I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of you think about my writing style or my choice of cars or my DH's turn of phrase. I'm pleased to be an original colourful character who has never fitted any mold.

I pointed out that those of you who assumed my relationship is lack lustre or lacking something in the intimacy dept were incorrect in their assumptions. Unfortunately not able to swing from the retro chandelier in my negligee as often as we'd like but sneak it in as often as we can.

Yes it's not ideal that the twins stay up later than us but if they find it hard to get up for their paper rounds the next morning they'll eventually learn to stop chatting at a reasonable hour.

This thread has been v interesting for so many reasons but again I think some of you should hold your tongues when being deliberately viscious to an unknown person online. There are delicate people out there who may be hurt by posters being ridiculed for their choice of lifestyle, way of talking or other free choices they make.

To ridicule individuality is exactly the sort of crowd mentality beasts like Trump are getting populations to think is normal.

Those of you who have said unkind things (not those telling he not to meet ex as it is risky territory) need to take a look at yourselves and think about what you get out of spewing such vitriol in a public forum.
Yes some of you have been really v bitchy and bigoted in your mind set and I'm worried for you from afar.