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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

242 replies

Alaia5 · 18/01/2017 13:41

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out Hmm and the other one would just like to see me and the kids Confused (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Alaia5 · 19/01/2017 14:35

Viv - I've been fine about his running and boxing because I'd rather he de-stressed that way than brought it home. But no, he was never going to be the kind of dad that's home at 6 to bath the kids! When we got married he asked me to give him 5 years and he would sort us out, so I just let him get on with it because luckily, I found I could cope most of the time and you can't change people like that anyway. There was a time when I had 4 under the age of 6 and it was very consuming.

OP posts:
Elendon · 19/01/2017 14:42

I think you are absolutely right to feel aggrieved at this set up. Sure your husband is lovely, but if you feel like the weekend skivvy, then you probably are (and to be honest, he probably thinks so too, so alleviates this with nights out (which also means getting ready and getting the children into bed for the babysitter).

Regardless of your set up, SAHP or not, you are being asked to do way too much. It sounds incredibly stressful, especially for you and your children. Viv is right, he gets to bow out of family time.

VivDeering · 19/01/2017 14:53

I've been fine about his running and boxing because I'd rather he de-stressed that way than brought it home.

Sorry, my point was that he doesn't sound a very hands-on dad who worries about not being present or about handing over his parenting to someone else despite his childhood experiences. Or does that story only figure when it's your time we're discussing?

I'm sorry, I don't think it's helpful for this to turn in to a DH-bashing thread but you remind me of a wonderful bird caged in a tiny space.

VivDeering · 19/01/2017 14:55

And all of that traditional, family-orientated hospitality? Where's your husband's role in this? Where is he in getting the cooking just right?

When I first read your post the other day I felt conflicted. I knew you were sharing a problem but I'm a professional with lots of stresses and ties in my job and I would love to have a week of doing what you described. But now I thank my lucky stars for my freedom to be Me.

Mamia15 · 19/01/2017 14:59

I don't get why he isn't bothered about being hands on when he says that he didn't want his DC to be brought up by other people.

Clnz4fun · 19/01/2017 15:03

I understand you view op it's not that you don't get a break during the week but why should your weekend be full on meeting other peoples needs when you would rightly want some actual family downtime.

1 day a week focused on spending time with your family without others isn't a big ask really.

I would also set a compromise on hosting. You do it a lot it seems so I'd put it to him that if you are hosting work one weekend then you are not hosting friends on the same weekend.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 19/01/2017 15:06

Viv - I suppose he thought his role was paying off the houses, school fees and trust funds for the kids - and anything else is a bonus. He thinks he is a far sight better than his own father who, in my view, was an abusive dictator and not much else. So not much of a role model as a starting point.
He has loads of energy for taking them out (once I've got them all ready of course). He gets them doing all sorts of things. So he's very much hands on in that way. He will make time to play the girls and follow their lead and taking the boys to their matches is right up his street. So at least I get out of that!

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 19/01/2017 15:25

So he gets to cherry pick the fun bits - and leaves the boring drudge work to you. Nice.

Mamia15 · 19/01/2017 15:25

(and of course he would have loads of energy given that he doesn't have to do much at home!)

VivDeering · 19/01/2017 15:45

Ok, I think in shoes I would start making small and regular changes. So, for instance taking two hours on a Saturday to go out and do Something (volunteering, meeting up with friends, coffee in the library, studying for your course, whatever).

And when he comes in from footie ask him to help the boys with their laundry or on a school night ask him to help the children get their bags ready for morning.

My belief is that so long as you have been pulling your weight during the day when he's at work all other hours' work has to be split between you. So dinner party? Who is chopping the veg and who's prepping the fish? Who is loading the dishwasher, who is cleaning down the table and kitchen? Etc. Etc. Et bleeding cetera.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 19/01/2017 16:31

Trying to visualise it Viv. I will try. Maybe the boys can show him the way?

OP posts:
ChipmunkSundays · 19/01/2017 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notinagreatplace · 19/01/2017 17:10

Chipmunk

The thing that comes across to me from this thread and the OP's previous one is that it isn't necessarily about the tasks that the OP is doing or whatever, in many ways she does have lots of time to herself. It's more about - not sure exactly what the right word here is - the tone of the interactions.

As I understand it, the DH here issues the OP with very specific instructions and literally never lifts a finger around the house. So he tells her exactly what he wants for breakfast, protein shakes, etc and she does that for him and he does absolutely nothing around the house - doesn't put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, make her the odd coffee, nothing.

I just couldn't deal with that - even if I got time to myself during the week, had a cleaner, etc, it would feel so disrespectful. As the OP's 8 year old has pointed out, it's like he thinks it's a hotel.

notinagreatplace · 19/01/2017 17:17

I agree with Viv on the approach - I think I suggested it on your previous thread. That you just start asking him to do things - not in a mean way, in the same very nice way that he asks you for his protein shakes, etc. "Darling, could you load the dishwasher, while I chop the veg?" "Oh, I'm so glad you're home, do you mind making me a coffee while I help the boys with their homework?"

Your dynamic has been so skewed that this is going to feel weird - you might even want to practice a few ways of saying it before you do it out loud.

waterrat · 19/01/2017 17:17

HAven't RTFT but OP I feel for you. I think it would help you to really focus on what you would like to change - and nobody on this thread can decide that for you.

Is it the lack of family time? Is it the intrusion of visitors during family time (this would drive me crackers) - or the lack of help with clearing up?

I feel from reading your post - that the real problem is the overnight guests and then random rugby club visitors.

Can you ask your husband for a complete ban on rugby club visitors etc for 2 months so you can see if that makes a difference?

Re. overnight guests, that is tricky - I agree the people staying until lunchtime after an overnight are a bit cheeky but you are probably too good a host!

It also sounds like there was no time for you all to enjoy family time without guests around?

SapphireStrange · 19/01/2017 17:18

He did do a speech in my 40th thanking me for everything and he is very appreciative in general.

That's how you treat staff, not life partners.

Almostfifty · 19/01/2017 17:46

Why aren't your older children helping you clear up after lunch and dinner?

Does your DH even help carry the dishes into the kitchen? What did he do in the kitchen before your DC were born?

As to the Smoothie, if my DH ever asked me to make something for him on a regular basis like that I'd laugh in his face. He's got a pair of hands, he needs to start using them.

Surreyblah · 19/01/2017 17:49

A speech like that in public is just the expected stuff and means fuck all.

Original poster
Alaia5 · 19/01/2017 17:59

Notin -your perception is very helpful and just reading that has really made me think actually.
DH is someone who would present as very well-mannered in that British kind of way and also quite self-controlled I would say. In 15 years, I've only seen him lose his temper twice (not at us) and I've never seen him drunk. I think he has a way of asking something in a way that it sounds like a statement rather than a question and he has a way of looking at me that makes what he says or asks seem like a foregone conclusion. But he's never irritable with me and his whole manner makes me feel like it's me that would be acting "off" if I was taking issue with anything. No idea if that makes any sense? Some of my friends once said he can be "scary in a good way". It's not quite scary, but maybe it's a bit controlling because he seems to have such conviction in the way he says things. I'm so used to it, it's hard to know how to be different. I'm not an aggressive person, but I wouldn't say I was passive in general life and I can be quite assertive if need be. I really don't know if it's me or him.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 19/01/2017 21:57

I get the feeling your DH is never irritable with you because consciously or unconsciously you never dare step out of line (or if you do I guess you backtrack very quickly before anything escalates).

How does he act with your DC if they're being naughty?

Fishface77 · 19/01/2017 22:30

Your DH is the boss and your the (much appreciated, much loved) hired help.

I think I know how your feel. People (outsiders) would say life is good but the gilded cage analogy is very apt in this scenario.
It's scary to rock the boat as you don't know what life will be like "after" you speak up.
It depends on what you want. I suggest you get your DC helping first then tackle DH. Someone I know had this issue and got glandular fever in the time it took to recover the family had a steep learning curve and they all said to her it was her fault as she had done everything for them for so long that the habit was ingrained.
Unfortunately they slipped back into normal habits and she is still their skivvy.

pseudonymph · 19/01/2017 22:59

Out of interest, do you and DH ever fight? And, if so, what happens? Who escalates? Who apologises?

Do you actually have a decent mechanism between you for negotiating conflicts?

38cody · 20/01/2017 01:12

I think you have lots of free time during the week for 'me' time but you're missing family time? That's fair enough - why don't you just tell him?
Perhaps Sunday lunch could always be eat out - you can meet him and Rugby friends for lunch?

Theladyloriana · 20/01/2017 05:24

Op I have to say - your life sounds lovely.

You sound like you need a bit more family time and autonomy. You sound loved, valued and cared for. Maybe you need to hire in people to clear up after dinner parties though.

Mamia15 · 20/01/2017 08:53

Thelady - jeez how is treating her like a servant making her feel valued and loved?

Op is clearly unhappy and it's important we don't dismiss her feelings which are very valid.