AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

To all those posters here saying "your life sounds fine with a cleaner, being a SAHM, no money worries" etc etc - that's not the point. I'm a single working mother with quite a lot of money worries, and I still have a lot of sympathy for the OP here, because whatever her situation, however much she loves her DH and appreciates his good qualities, and however much is grateful for the good things in her life, she still isn't happy, because she is not being treated as an equal, or having control over her own life. That's not nothing.

Alaia I do understand how much you appreciate the good things your DH does, but there still are clearly changes you want to make. I think it's OK if you make them. Not all at once, perhaps, but in small ways - not always being available to do your husband's bidding, however politely he asks. Getting the boys to pick up after themselves and take their fair share of household tasks, helping them to grow into men who don't depend on the women in their lives to service them. Occasionally being the one to decide on what you want you all to do as a family in the weekend - and doing it, even if your DH doesn't want to join you in the activity. And so on. You needn't throw your entire relationship upside-down, just start occasionally saying "this is what I'd like, and then doing it.

i remember the other thread - I'm really glad to hear you're updating your credentials. I think you have to decide if he's really putting his foot down over work or whether you're happy to help mothers and babies in school hours only - that might be fine, realistically you do have 4 DC and a busy social life, so perhaps that is an acceptable solution. If you are happy with that, that's ok. If DH is asking you to do too much socializing, buy in a bit more help, I would in your shoes and tell him you'll do that. You don't have to be the one doing the clearing up or making all the dinners.

and i do honestly think you need to put the onus on your DC to do more by letting them fail a bit if they are at school without their gym kits/everything they need. It's high time that happened for the older ones.

This must be frustrating for you, Alaia, ultimately it is up to you, how you want your life to run. You want to take the pressure off your high performing DH and DC, but you don't want to feel like their skivvy.

This is something that it is easy to buy a solution. Find someone, or ideally a team, who will clear up your kitchen after your parties. Ideally, find someone flexible enough to be there from the start, so they can be clearing up as the meal progresses, and finish shortly afterwards. They will soon learn where everything 'goes' in your kitchen. This will leave you more time to join in the party. I recognise the 'some people are entertained in restaurants, others are invited home' split. That also depends on you being part of the party, talking or perhaps more often listening to whoever is placed at your right and left etc.

Likewise, the 'hotel' work of changing beds and cleaning after guests. If there isn't the money to do this, then, yes, you face the job of sharing it out it out in the household or doing it all yourself.

The most important aspect is what you are showing your children about your choices in life that it's fine to have a different role, it's good for them to see that you are happy in your role and not that you are the grudge who does the jobs no one else wants to do. The PP who mentioned asking her teenage son whether his bag is ready for the next day has, i think, the balance right. It's good for children to know how to clean and look after their own clothes, rather than imagine that it is 'someone else's problem'. Their future flatmates, and marriage partners, as well as their own self esteem will benefit from being capable of looking after themselves.

I wonder how many of the MIL threads on here arise because mother did all the drudge work and resents that DIL manages her life differently, maybe even better.

I so agree archeryannie. Without choice, a person is basically in prison. A lovely prison to be sure, but a prison nevertheless.

With his protein shake tomorrow op, start doing your dds hair in an intricate style, pins in mouth, hands full of hair, when you hear his footsteps. Smile and nod as he requests his shake, then continue with hair for as long as you can. See if he makes his own.

Your DH does not sound great at all!

Thankyou everyone. Firstly I have decided I'm definitely going to let the boys take on their own stuff a lot more because all the sorting sports kits is a bit too much. DS1 is almost 14 - he goes off all round London on public transport so surely he can get his rugby stuff in a bag. This is a simple change I can start now.
I'm quite lucky with the boys actually in that they're both very reasonable and they will help me if ask. I wouldn't put up with them speaking to me in a disrespectful way, but fortunately they're not like that anyway.

With DH, I was ok with where it ended up on the return to work front because I was never suggesting I would go full-time and not be around for the DC anyway. He was fixated that I was going to be putting myself at risk, but that's because he doesn't grasp the nature of the work. Tbh I have worked in youth offending institutes in the past so I can see where he's coming from, but I was never really pushing to get back into that side of things too much. It should have been easier discussion though, yes.
He never raise his voice st home and he's not aggressive towards me at all. If he was I would be straight out the door and that would be it. But he will say what he thinks and I can see how that can appear quite high-handed.
In Iranian culture, he would get questions like "why do you let your wife do that?" If I was doing something deemed "dodgy". It shouldn't happen of course, but it does. I don't want to make excuses, but DH is quite chilled in the context of aspects of that culture.
Mulling it all over today, but thankyou again.

The irony is, and this is the massive problem, is the dh thinks he's great. And he's a 'nice' guy. He makes all the money, and lots, gives his family a good life, he's nice to his wife, he's involved with his dc. Great.

Op - regarding your career choice, do you think your dh would come up with a different reason why you couldn't do a different profession? It's all very convenient for him to say it's not safe as it means you have to stay at home and his lovely life isn't affected.

Alaia that sounds like good progress since your previous thread - you're doing your course, you have your sights set on a reasonable route for exercising your skills, you'll get your older DC to do a bit more, this sounds like a good amount of progress to me. The last thing is thinking how to curtail a bit and outsource a bit more of the entertainment burden.

AMillion, it's the 'he wants', which implies that 'he expects' the OP will just magic him up something. I wonder, does the OP ever 'want' a sandwich ora cup of tea making for her? And if she did, would her DH do it? I'd put money on the answer to both being 'no'.

OP, I couldn't do take out for the relatives coming. It would be like an outrage on all fronts. So? What could the relatives actually do/say if you said 'I'm ill/incapacitated/tired; we'll order in?' And why should you be scared of what they would do/say?

As for He never raise his voice st home and he's not aggressive towards me at all., well, great. That's all you can ask for from a husband, isn't it.

So basically, your entire life involves around facilitating other people's lives and social schedules, and no one is facilitating yours in return? I'm not surprised you feel bad at the weekends - it's probably particularly bad then because during the week you are mainly facilitating your DCs' and DH's lives, and I'm guessing you don't really mind that, but at the weekend it becomes clearer that you have to do it even when you don't want to.

It's striking the extent to which you are living your life within expectations that must be met - relatives must be catered for, protein shake must be made - although the consequences of them not being met is never really stated - presumably your DH's dissatisfaction?

Up until your last post, I was going to say that your life sounds enviable in many ways, and that maybe you and your DH could sort things out just by discussing it and dividing tasks differently. But his views are ridiculous. You don't need his permission to go back to doing the highly skilled and socially useful job your were already doing when you met him. And his views on psychiatric wards are offensive (and revealing) - what is it about being a mother that means you can't work on one? Is he worried you will catch the crazy?

Anyway this is what I would do:

1. Establish your own identity more clearly, which you are already doing by retraining in your old role. But make sure you prioritise it. I suspect this will shift the dynamics in your family a lot (though you may get kick back) - at present you're in a weak negotiating position because you don't like the current set up, but you're not really suggesting an alternative. I don't want to do x because I want to do y is much harder to argue with than just I don't want to do x. Also it lets you be someone in your own right, not just defined in terms of other people.

2. Talk to your DH about your dissatisfaction and how you want to changes things. Communication is always important, and it sounds like you have fallen into your current role fairly easily, so he may not realise how unhappy you are with it. And don't be afraid of arguing about it.

3. Little things - start making the DCs do their own cleaning up and laundry. Ask your DH to make a cup of tea for you. Sometimes tell him you're going to stay in bed rather than getting up to make him a protein shake. View this as a deliberate project.

And remember that by doing these things you are modelling good relationship traits for your DCs, as well as improving your own life.

I'm very suspicious of the whole 'I know other people couldn't put up with it spiel' - isn't that just another way of saying 'I know I'm behaving badly, but I'm not going to change'? As someone said up thread, it's easy to be generous when it's all on your terms.

Alaia you seem to be living in a sort of gilded cage, where you do a whole load of work to benefit from a lifestyle that your DH wants you to have. The only way to change it is to take control - you ask people to do stuff.

I suspect that you accommodate people and make everything pleasant for them by doing everything yourself. Maybe you make sure the house is welcoming and wait on guests with drinks and food etc? You don't need to do it - friends and family can chip in and you are not rude for asking. When my friends come over we all chip in with clearing up, no way would they sit there and let me do everything on my own.

Thankyou so much for all this and for taking the time. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed but very grateful.

Sapphire and Toastie - In Iran, food is a huge deal. There is always too much food made for guests. There's a distinction made between the 'public' life and the 'private' life and when you invite someone into your home hospitality is a massive thing. There are certain ways that you greet people, enquire after the health of far flung relatives and god knows who else, where you seat people, how you serve tea and food and it goes on. Even the DC have to behave in a certain way. We don't do all this too often fortunately!

Pseudo - you make some very insightful comments. When I married DH He told me he didn't want his children brought up By me. This is because in his school holidays his parents never picked him up and so he and his brother were always farmed off to some random relative or other person. I agreed with him brcsuse I wanted to be with the DC, so that was fine. He would not have married a woman who wanted to work full-time, I know that - and they wouldn't have married him either obviously. I don't want to alienate myself from DH, if that makes sense, because I do love him very much and we're very connected in so many ways. We have busy lives and probably take on too much. The fact is, he doesn't need to work either but I doubt he knows how to stop.

Sorry rambling on a bit here, but trying to work out what I want.

Sorry - DID want his children brought up by me!

Sorry OP your sons should not be 'doing things when you ask them'... They should do their own kit as they are almost grown and that's what decent people do....

You're actually modelling to them an environment where they get to to do all the nice things, and a woman (you) runs around after them (doing all the boring drudge/'wifework'- a brilliant book by the way) ... It's encouraging them to want/see wives /partners who aren't equal partners at all....

Oh and your husband not allowing you to use your MSc😨.. Well not anywhere he deems 'undesirable'.. His views are from the darkage.... I'm sorry,.. to misquote him... I wouldn't let my husband speak to me like that😆

If it were me, I would be radically overhauling home tasks... And using my postgraduate qualifications.... It soubds as if you're well off..... Why don't you go back to paid work (to give you a professional identity) and pay a housekeeper to do all the wife work?

Do you know Iranian women your own age - do they carry on the traditions that you have incorporated into your life? All the hosting and tradition around welcoming people and feeding them and dinner parties for colleagues and friends over at the weekend - do the Iranian contemporaries of yours do the same or have they cut down on expectations of others on them to allow for more time for their nuclear family and themselves?

I wonder if your MIL and DH are conforming to standards in place when they left Iran, but actually things would have moved on and modernised if they'd stayed there.

The advice above of talking to your DH is good. Just be careful that he doesn't link this back to you starting your studies and saying you're only feeling the pressure as you give up time given to that. This is about you feeling valued by yourself, not about what you have to juggle now you're studying.

I know that, OP, but I do think 'in Iran' is a key phrase in what you say.

And I'd echo what Toastie asks above.

In your OP you seemed concerned that you spend so much time facilitating things for other people that you don't get any time or space to yourself. Perhaps sometimes tradition has to shift, bow, accommodate so that other concerns –like personal happiness – can be addressed.

Thank you Alaia for your answer to my question.
It sounds to me to be like - and I know the expression has been used already, but it's exactly what sprang to mind - a gilded cage.
Your husband has a really nice life. But a lot of it is at your expense, in my opinion. And that's not good.
I hope that changes can be made all around. You deserve to have a fulfilling existence too.

Chipmunk - you are very eloquent thankyou. I will talk to him though what I may do is write everything down because I sometimes find things hard to say to his face when he's looking at me and also I think he absorbs info better when it's written down because he can refer back to it.

Toastie - yes lots of Iranians round here inc two really good friends. What I describe above is more for when elder visitors come over - like tomorrow. Can't wait for that. I do know many women who are professionally qualified who haven't used their skills due to a combination of not needing to financially and "taking up the slack" for extreme workaholic husbands. Many of them are ex-pat as well. I feel like it's a bit of a bubble round here though. Thankyou for good advice.

When I married DH He told me he didn't want his children brought up By me. This is because in his school holidays his parents never picked him up and so he and his brother were always farmed off to some random relative or other person.

See, I found that quite interesting, because what jumped out to me is why isn't he more hands on with the children? Why is he running or working when he could be looking after them before school?
More importantly, that's all very nice but what about you and what you want? You as Alaia not a wife or mother?

Sapphire - well even in Iran there are more women in the universities than men, although certain subjects and jobs are barred to them still. But I know this is not Iran!
Rachel - Yes DH does have a very nice life and he knows it. He did do a speech in my 40th thanking me for everything and he is very appreciative in general. I need to get over the psychological hurdle of asking him to participate round the house a little when he is here. I don't know if he made me feel like this or if I felt like this anyway. I know that sounds crazy to most people because it's crazy to me on most levels. He is back tomorrow and this has actually been good thinking space. Thankyou.

Viv - my thoughts exactly. There does not seem to be much family only time with DH constantly working, entertaining clients and rugby friends etc.