How the heck do working mums manage this?!

[LosAngeles444]

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

Nanny. Or now, DP does drop offs so I can start work early, I do pickups, so he can work late.

Doing it all yourself is a ticket to burnout I've done it a few times, and I find that I can do about 3 months before I'm fit to explode (getting up at 6:30, and being on the go until DP puts them to bed at 7:30 - at which point of course there's still dinner cleanup, but at least that's not got to be done to a time limit!)

I went back to work part time when my ds was 6 months working 3 days. My mum looked after him which helped and his dad was hands on. I found the early years and nursery days easier. It was when he started school that I struggled. Homework , tears on the way to breakfast club because every single one of his friends got dropped off and picked up by parents ( not quite true). There was always something on at school etc.

Set out as much as you can the night before. Meal planning with easy to make dinners. Lower your standards. Don't be too hard on yourself if it feels like a struggle. If you can afford it get a cleaner ( only in my dreams ) but I do get my ironing done occasionally when the pile is too much to tackle

Agree with lots of the points on here, we both work full time but DH drops off (whilst I start work early) and then I finish at 4, so I can do evening pick ups. I also try and work one day a week from home as it saves me two hours commute and I can use my lunch break hour to stick a load of washing in and do odd jobs here and there. Definitely agree with a cleaner, I never thought I'd be the sort of person to have one, but amazing what they do in two hours and saves me having to find time on a weekend which I'd rather spend with the kids. Also online shop every week. You just get use to it, and at various times it will be harder than others...my now 1 year old will just not stay still to get him dressed and have his nappy changed, screams if left in his play pen or gets up to mischief if I turn my back for a second if he's put down, so currently I spend most of the morning getting us ready whilst carrying him around. My 3 year old has gone through the phase of not liking what clothes I choose and will now quite happily eat her breakfast and get dressed and do her teeth with very little help which is makes life easier.

I burnt out.

Out the house 8am-7pm. Worked through lunch. Got home. Put D.C. To bed. Grabbed a quick dinner then carried on working.

Was up all night with 2 awful sleepers then start again at 5.30am.

I picked a nursery that was on my way to work (but still close to home) so I hop off the bus with him, drop him off and then get the next bus. It wouldn't work if it wasn't in my route in/out.

I couldn't really afford a cleaner but I prioritised it above a lot of other things so that housework didn't overwhelm the little free time I had.
I regularly have to work once kids are in bed, so last thing I want after putting laptop down at 9/10pm was to scurry about cleaning. Nor do I want to spend the days we have together cleaning.
I haven't bought new clothes for years, my kids clothes are 2nd hand /hand me downs. A cleaner is my only luxury and I think if you have a demanding job then it is a v wise choice to stop "burn out".

Wow some of you manage to do so much and be so organised, it's amazing!

I've read this thread with great interest as I only do 3 days atm and DP is a SAHD atm (we were lucky to be able to alternate working and being at home between us so 16 month DD has always been at home with one of us so far).

In March DP is returning full time and I was hoping to extend to 30 hours a week, is it doable if you don't drive??? Worried our comfortable world is going to be turned upside down :(

It will get better as you become used to it (it never gets easier, you just adapt) but it is a shock to the system to begin with!

This is when you start to realise how important your time is, and how the need to be organised becomes. I had to do both pick ups and drop offs as it was not feasible for my husband to do it, due to his shifts, so we could never share the load.

Brace yourself for 6/12 months of illness as your baby will now pick up every illness going at nursery and generously share them with you! (but that at least means you wont go though the same once DC starts school)

If you can, start to plan the logistics for your pre school and or primary school. I had 4 years of pain due to the nursery location, but now I can drop off at school en route to work which feels like a dream compared to my old nursery pick off routine.

Mine are at school now.. it doesn't get easier.. and I drink WAY too much coffee.. but it becomes a sort of "flow" and you eventually do the mornings on an autopilot and it becomes relatively seamless, although not less knackering.

Honestly, I think it's that you don't have a choice. I spent the first few years of DS's life exhausted and I remember constantly crying because I knew I wasn't coping, but I couldn't afford to quit my job and no other support. I simply had no option but to keep going and spent a few years in zombie mode.
And on a lighter note: it gets better as they get older...

Needs must, you will get used to it, honestly!

I'm a FT working LP of 2 primary aged DC and as others have said, organization is totally the key.

Cut back on what you think you should be doing re; housework and get a routine going for that (e.g. laundry Tuesday and Friday, floors Monday and Thursday etc).
Meal plan and get online groceries if you can (I can't where we live, it's such a bugger).
Lunches and clothes ready from the night before
Have a wall-planner or calendar for any clubs, parties and other commitments (there are A LOT of these as DC grow up). Sounds old-school but it's easier and faster than plugging everything into a phone, tbh.

I will say I am tired and broke almost all the time and don't often have a huge amount of energy to go and do lots of social kids' stuff at the weekend. Also things fall by the wayside like a social life and exercise for me, and I am way behind on some of my house maintenance. It is literally just work, children and animals (dogs, cats, chickens) more or less.

Dh does drop off because I work 8-4 with an hours commute each way. Apart from that, I try to work from home one day a week (and do both drop off and pick up that day), all clothes organised at weekends for the week ahead (including spares for accidents etc).

Bags and lunches sorted night before. Washing machine loaded in morning, on while at work, into tumble dryer as soon as I'm home (and repeat, forever....) minimal ironing. Huge commitment to teamwork between dh and i (couldn't do it without him) it does get easier as you get used to your routine.

Could you learn to drive evie ?? This was the point I realised I had to learn as the trains are so unreliable round here! It cost every spare penny I had for ages but I am so glad I finally did it
(No judgement from me about not driving, I know there can be so many reasons not to)

You get used to it, organisation is the key, slow cooker meals and meal planning and preparation for meals, washing done daily, with a tumble dryer. Clean as you go etc...

No rest I'm afraid, but it does get easier, as you get more into a routine x

• Low standards
• A cleaner
• Telling myself that it won't last forever (although at times it feels like it)
• Telling my (rather housework averse) DH to do some of the chores unless he wanted to become a single parent.

It does get easier - the worst time was when I was working a full time job in a senior role, and had one child in nursery and one at school, both of whom I had to collect, feed and put to bed. I think looking back I was close to a breakdown. I cut my work to 4 days, got an after school nanny for the days I had to be in so I could be late back (she also did the washing and cooked the kids' tea) and life got much better

I agree with those saying your DP needs to step up and apply for flexible working - either wfh 1 or 2 days a week, 1 or 2 shorter days a week (either reduced hours or compressed). Even if his commute is 2 hours, he could take a 10% reduction in hours which would allow him to leave work early twice a week for pickup. Or leave early, do a couple of hours at home.

And all those options are assuming he does a bare minimum not equal shares.

If for whatever reason he is working in a job where flexi really isn't possible, then he needs to contribute in other ways. Doing all/most child sick days. Or doing the bulk of housework to make up for you carrying his load. What's not acceptable is for nothing to change for him while you burn out. You really need a good chat before you build resentment - easier to talk calmly before you're at breaking point!

My working life is made a lot easier by living a few minutes cycle from first nursery and now school and then work being just a very few more minutes. I can leave the house at 8.30. Do school run and be at work for 8.50. Which is great but obviously has limited the career choices I made.

you need to make some changes, eg
a) park at the station
b) get a nanny
c) get your dh to change his hours / change his jobs to do one end of the day
d) there maybe someone at the nursery who could pick up your dc from your home in the morning for some extra money?

Otherwise what you're trying to do is not manageable. Esp if/when you are pregnant with dc2.

Everything seems harder in the winter months something about summer times with light mornings and light evenings mean you get your energy back ! I have three and finding it a lot harder in January but survive

I just went back to work yesterday and already have to take a day off cos DS has conjunctivitis and they won't let him back at nursery until it's cleared up!

OP, I feel your pain.

At the moment, I commute into London via train, and DP drives into the arse end of Kent. We have to be out the house at 7, he drives DS to nursery which is 6 mins drive or 20 mins walk, then drives to work. I go to the train station. As I won't get back home until 7, DP also has to do pick ups.

I tried to get flexible working, but it was rejected :(

Sorry to say you just get used to it. And at some point you'll tell yourself you want another. It's hard because you're having to think it all through but it will become habit.
Lay out everything the night before and write yourself checklists so you never have to think and you never have to look for anything.

Single mum to ds (3) I have the same job as mirime dh, flexible working requests were accepted and I now do 8-15 till 17-15 wake up at 6 do my makeup, hair,have a coffee wake ds up get him washed and dressed take him to nursery drive straight to work, run around all day serving rude customers run out the building pick ds up bedtime at 7, sweep floors, put a washload on early bedtime and repeat every day. I really don't know how id do it if I was any older, I had ds quite young so my body can cope with racing around like a lunatic
You get exhausted, ratty, no time for yourself but I keep telling myself it'll be easier when hes at school ( my mum lives next-door to the school I've chosen so will be able to help)

I remember those days. DD was 6 months when I went back to work, would walk to nursery for 8am and take her in. Then get the bus to work.

Work all day, get the bus back to nursery praying I would make it for 6pm or risk getting a fine. Walk home, then have to very quickly make DD's dinner, feed her, get her in the bath and put her to bed.

Then sort out the washing/cooking/food for next day. It was utterly exhausting.

I remember once when DD fell asleep standing up in the hall - we hadn't even got coats off and I heard a thud and she was lying on her back sleeping. She was 3. Another time she fell asleep in her dinner.

Those were easy compared to the school days, trying to find wraparound care and make it back in time. So glad I am way past this now. I think I ran on autopilot for years and my weekends were spent food shopping, cleaning and washing, changing beds and trying to find time to actually take DD out for some fun.

Sounds pretty straightforward really.

Just wait until your DS starts catching everything at nursery. That will be the hard bit. The daily drop off and picks up will seem like a breeze!

I get up at 4.30 to shower and have a cup of tea in peace before the chaos starts! DP up at 5.15ish. He showers and gets ready.

Get the DDs up at 6, they get dressed, 18 month old gets nappy change and then it's into the car at 6.30-arrive at CM at 6.40ish. Arrive at work for 8, leave at 4, pick the girls up, home and start dinner. DP home around 39 mins after us, he baths DD2 whilst I finish dinner- we eat and then at 6.30 DD2 goes to bed, DD1 goes later as she is much older.

once DD2 is in bed, I make lunches for the next day and make sure everyone has clothes sorted, DP does washing up and runs hoover round etc.

We are generally done by 8. Both knackered all the time but it could be worse!

Will have to add 7 month old DC3 to the mix when DP finishes parental leave in August!