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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How the heck do working mums manage this?!

432 replies

LosAngeles444 · 17/01/2017 16:45

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

OP posts:
toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 18/01/2017 09:52

My DH works nights and I work office hours 9-6 with 40 min commute.. we do the same as Bibblewanda and prepare everything the night before otherwise I would lose my mind... Also have a cleaner once a week for two hours, well worth the money I realised one Sunday night at 12am whilst still attempting to get any basic cleaning for the week done... Oh and we are having a second in 4 months not sure how anything will work then!

Pisghetti · 18/01/2017 09:59

You just get used to it. I work full time Mon-Fri and do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups. I chose a nursery near work. I leave the house at 7.15 and arrive in work at 8. I leave some time after 4 and get home at 5 ish. Except we have things on in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday and Thursday so I actually get in at 8 on those days. Just in time for toddler bedtime.

As nice as it would be for DP to share the load, he works away. He pulls his weight around the house but that doesn't really help me as we also don't live together (nothing untoward - my teenage son is settled in school so I won't be moving until he's finished and we live in the wrong part of the world for DP's work).

It's actually ok now. I got a dishwasher and a cleaner when I went back to work which has saved my sanity. I prepare my food for the next day the night before. DD didn't sleep well so for months I was operating on just a few hours broken sleep each night. When I was on mat leave we'd sleep in together after a bad night so it felt ok. There's nothing like the despair or having been up for hours already and watching the clock tick towards the time your alarm is set for.....

NowwhatdoIdo123 · 18/01/2017 10:18

I haven't read any other responses OP just wanted to say I returned to full time work when DD was 11 months old. My DP leaves home at 6am and gets back about 8pm (no he's not a big earner just has a long commute and can't change hours). Because of DP's work hours, I had to do all the morning get up/get ready etc, drop DD off, get to work, work all day in quite a stressful job, race out of the office and home worrying about the time all the way, pick up DD, do dinner, do bedtime routine.... After about 3 months I was exhausted and felt I couldn't do it anymore. I felt permanently stressed and exhausted.

NowwhatdoIdo123 · 18/01/2017 10:19

Also had a DD who just didn't sleep and would often go to bed then get up at midnight and be awake until 4am!

Elendon · 18/01/2017 10:23

It is difficult but as others have said, organisation is the key. I'm afraid to say, I think it's more difficult when they go off to school. It becomes a bit of a nightmare again, disrupts the status quo, but once again that settles.

Make the most of your time whilst they are in nursery. Don't worry, it soon all settles into a good routine (except the teething bit). I enjoyed the adult company at work.

parrots · 18/01/2017 10:24

You get used to it and it becomes your new normal. I'm sometimes astonished myself at just how much I manage to get done every day. Doing as much as possible the night before is always a good idea. Going to bed earlier. Getting a cleaner definitely helped me. Build up a network of other parents so you can help each other out when needed.

cx5221 · 18/01/2017 10:27

Are there any ways to make it easier for yourself?

I could get the train to work but once I'd factored in trains running late, waiting around, etc it was easier to drive to work even though it cost slightly more with parking?

That way when I finished at 4 I wasn't finishing at 4 getting home at 5 I was finishing at 4 home for 4.30 then could grab stuff on way home for tea or start tea or just have a brew before grabbing dd from nursery.

Have a look if there is anything you can do to make it easier.

I drive and take half lunch at work which buys me an extra hour a day to fit stuff in and I'm not chasing my own tail.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 18/01/2017 10:41

Why do your dh work such long hours? That's not a normal working day. Childcare is a shared responsibility, your dh needs to look into doing some of the drop offs or pick ups.

Babbitywabbit · 18/01/2017 10:43

Like anything else, routine really helps. Once it becomes your 'normal' you'll be flying.
When I had my first baby I remember thinking how the hell will I ever get dressed and out the front door before tea time. 3 months later I was out the door by 7.30 having bf baby, got myself up showered and dressed ready for a full day's work! Then you have number 2 and you wonder how you'll manage, but once again, you find a new routine.

Yes it's tough, and when you first start back at work you know being at home would be the easier option initially, but it really doesn't take long to get into the swing of it. It's also definitely true that the more you do, the more you can cope with. I've been back full time for years now, whereas friends who had several years out of the workplace still tend to work very part time and lack the belief that they could really crank their career back up, even though they've got the skills

proseccoMama · 18/01/2017 10:50

I always found nursery : after school club drop off and pick up super stressful.
From 3pm onwards I'd start worrying if I'd get out on time, tube be working etc.

Luckily were better off now so we got an au pair and have 50:50. So toddler at nursery half time but au pair does pick up drop off. Then other days toddler with au pair.

Also means if toddler is ill can stay with au par.

I also wfh try to 2 days. Makes it so so much easier.

I have 3 kids and having them in nursery/ after school club and no back up was by far away the most stressful time or thing of parenting. It was ruining my life worrying and rushing.

Babyroobs · 18/01/2017 10:54

I am a mum of 4. At one point we had 4 under seven. We managed by working around each other, so I did weekends/ nights and dh worked roughly 9-5.There was still some juggling but most of the time but most of the time one was home with the kids. Yes we both ended up knackered but that is just parenthood !

Imps9 · 18/01/2017 10:58

Hello OP

I haven't got any advice (am still on mat leave with a 3 month old), but just wanted to cast your mind back a bit...

if you were anything like me, you will have spent the first few weeks of your DC's life wondering how the hell you would cope and how you would ever get anything done again. Those difficult early days are well and truly behind you now and I'd bet you'd find them a doddle now if you had to do them again with the benefit of experience.

Whenever it's tough, just think how blimin far you've come, how you've overcome all challenges presented to you up until now, and that you will definitely, definitely find your current challenges way more manageable once you've got a bit of experience at them under your belt.

Sorry, pretty useless post in terms of practical advice, but it does sound like you're doing really well.

campervan07 · 18/01/2017 11:02

I feel your pain. I have two including a baby and a busy full time job with an hour commute each way. My husband does drop offs so I get to work for 6:30 or 7 so I can leave at 4. Then do kids supper, breastfeed, baths and prep clothes and bags and lunchbox for the morning. Cook dinner. Wash up and some laundry and tidying. Usually sit down to eat at 8:30 then bed at 9.

It is nackering but it soon becomes routine. I end up needing her to take annual leave every 4-6 weeks to catch up on home administration and recover. Also working from home occasionally is great.

Cakingbad · 18/01/2017 11:03

That sounds like a really tough daily routine - especially the rushing back to pick up before nursery closes.

You can get used to it, do early nights, night before prep etc. I'm sure you will manage.

But in the meantime and with no rush I would start looking around for alternatives that will make you more relaxed and happier - and stop you burning out. Eg: finding a childminder instead who is more flexible in hours than the nursery / moving closer to the nursery / paying a nanny to do pick up twice a week so you can occasionally work late or go out for a drink after work.

This is your life for a long time especially if you are planning a second child. Good luck. It is all worth it.

BiddyPop · 18/01/2017 11:16

Organisation is key.

Lay out EVERYONE'S clothes the night before.

Pack DS's bag for nursery with changes of clothes (if needed) the night before. Have bottles cleaned and put the boiling water into them - all ready to pop into the bag in a hurry in the morning (or before bed if cool enough).

Have YOUR bag ready - handbag, laptop bag or whatever you use. Things like phone charged, money and tickets ready, anything you need the next day (lists of jobs or shopping, anything to drop at menders/dry cleaners etc, any snacks or lunch you bring) all organized.

Before bed, lay out breakfast. So the crockery and cutlery, any dry packets (cereal, coffee jar, teabags or whatever) are all on the worktop/table, the kettle is filled for tea/coffee, etc.

Also before bed, have the following day's dinner organized. Plan what you will eat. Prepare anything ahead of time that you can - take things out of the freezer to defrost, peel potatoes/vegetables and soak in water, make sauces (spag bol, curry etc) so they only need reheating. Basically, you are trying to walk in the door and only have to turn on pots or the oven, rather than starting right at the beginning. If you like stir-fry type dinners, have the veggies and meat peeled and chopped ready to just toss together.

On Sundays, I try to make Monday's dinner (spag bol, curry, lasagna, shepherd's pie, chilli, fish pie etc all work well) - something that is either a sauce that just needs reheating while you cook rice/pasta, or else a dish that goes in the oven and needs no attention. I try to make a double batch, so there is a second dinner that I freeze, and use that later in the week a following week.

Laundry - we have a system where we concentrate on getting clothes clean. So almost every day, we have a load to wash and throw on the airer to get dry (or put through the tumble dryer) - being FT working means we don't often get to put it on the line outdoors in reality. When these are dry, they go into a large laundry hamper in the kitchen which is full of CLEAN clothes. We sit in front of a movie or something at some stage over the weekend, or some late evening that I have the energy, and fold everything and then put it in the hotpress, and wardrobes; DH does the ironing on a Sunday evening while I cook dinner for Sunday and Monday. It means that while things may not always be neatly folded, there should always be CLEAN clothes if we need them in a hurry.

We also, as DH and I both work FT, have got into the habit of making sure we have a plentiful wardrobe. Both the basics (underwear, pjs, babygros etc) and outerwear layers (work clothes that are interchangeable, washable dresses, DH has about 15shirts not just 5) - for the weeks when nothing is going right, we have no time and DD had thrown up on everyone yet again! And also lots of easily washable, cheap but plentiful, clothes for DD when she was small (now, aged 11, she lives in tracksuits and hoodies as there's no school uniform so the only issue is finding tops that she'll accept under those).

Online supermarket shopping is very useful. Or else have a list when you go out. I build my list by keeping a pad on the fridge door and if ANYONE finishes anything off, they must write it up so I know it needs replacing. And I tend to meal plan but always have a few easy options in the fridge (bacon lardons, eggs, cheese, potatoes, fresh pasta and onions are all remarkably versatile in a hurry).

Check the post every day, but anything that you need to organize, pay, look at again - find a place to put things to look at again once a week and sort whatever needs sorting at that stage (Saturday mornings after reading the papers with a coffee? Wednesday evenings if its a quieter day? Thursday mornings your commute is quieter? Find a time that suits YOU).

And make sure you remember to have time for yourself somewhere - yes you will want to spend lots of time with DS and DH but get a walk yourself one evening when DS is in bed or find a nice class you would enjoy, take time for your lunches, catch up once a week with a friend over lunch, arrange a monthly coffee on a Saturday with a friend - find a time and activity that suits you but DO keep some time to be yourself and not just a DW and a DM.

And sleep - remember to go to bed at a reasonable time. Don't worry too much about the house - keep the kitchen and bathroom clean as you go, laundry under control, and work with DH for an hour at the weekend (or get a cleaner in for 2 hours) to get the cleaning done. Sing to DS while you are doing it and make parts of it a game with him. Get him involved once he's old enough - small brush while you sweep, taking covers off pillows, carrying a towel while you carry the rest of the laundry load, carrying his plate to the kitchen for washup, getting all sudsy doing the washing up!!, and so on.

It's very hard work - but doable. I started a Masters degree when DD was 9 months old, (as part of my work) and we live away from our parents but have always managed and are still managing ok now.

Aki23 · 18/01/2017 11:18

Plan, Plan, Plan - I work FT (5-5.5 days) husband PT (1 going up to 3 days). I handle all household chores DH most cooking and all outdoor chores. I also love my tumble dryer without which we would never have any dry clothes. I cover nursery (1 day) - drop off on way to work and pick up on way back.

BiddyPop · 18/01/2017 11:26

A couple of other things I remember from when DD was very small.

I used to get myself up and ready before waking her, if I could (sometimes she was already awake). But up, washed, dressed, coffee on, then go in and wake her up. Making sure I left enough time for a gentle start - when we were rushed was when problems were far more likely to happen. Wash, dress and feed her, then grab my coffee and head off.

In the early days when I was still feeding her myself, I would dress my lower half but leave my upper half still in pj top - better to catch any milky spits etc and easier to feed her. Once she started formula (10 months), I would throw my dressing gown over my work clothes to save them from any milky spits.

I have, since those early days, kept a makeup kit in my desk and only do my makeup once I get to work. It saves another few minutes at home. I see many many women doing their makeup on the commute.

And speaking of the commute, make use of it if you can. To read important documents, to make lists of things needing doing at work or home, to write a weekly menu/shopping list, to make phone calls to pay bills etc, to browse the web and plan holidays/check insurance quotes/book car MOT etc. And to also take a few minutes to unwind yourself if you can - read a book, play a game on your phone, just listen to music. You won't do all of that every day - but if you know that you can get some few minutes to do so some logistics bits a few days, and a few days where you get a few minutes relative peace, it does help.

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2017 11:29

Insisted dh work from home I say a week. He swore there was no way, his boss would never agree to it, none of the other directors did it......

His boss agreed. He was wrong about some of the other directors too. Smile

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2017 11:30

1 day Hmm

Twistmeandturnme · 18/01/2017 11:53

The nursery run was actually the easiest time for me. All meals sorted by the nursery: just wash them off, get them dressed and away you go.
Starting school, breakfast at home, uniforms etc etc was much more difficult IMO.

happypoobum · 18/01/2017 11:56

Why don't you drive to the station and park around there? Is there a nursery nearer station/home?

Redpony1 · 18/01/2017 11:56

I have been wondering this too OP! But I am surrounded by people that have horses as well as work, so their routines (like mine) have always been regimented. They do horses, nursey drop offf, work, nursery, home to drop baby off then back to horses. Their DP's have charge of dinner & bedtime from what i can see. I am clinging on to the hope that once i have a baby that i can stick to the same routine too!

unlucky83 · 18/01/2017 12:53

I went back full time when DD was 3 months and after a couple of months DP started his own business and was out from 9am to midnight, 6 days a week.
And I found it tough ...but what I found really helped is a routine.
So I always did certain household tasks on certain days - the food shop or the ironing or paying the bills or whatever and I wouldn't go to bed until it was done - which was hard at first but meant these things got done weekly and never built up into massive 'problem' jobs. I did the odd load of washing through the week but emptied the baskets completely on one day of the week then did the ironing and all the putting away the next day.

I also picked out 8 outfits (7 days plus the day before the ironing was done!) for DD and put the whole thing on a coat hanger (tights and cardigans etc) so everything bar vest and nappy was on a hanger ready to go - she had a few spare things in drawers and a set in her nursery bag but I generally didn't have to think about those.
And as soon as something was grown out the outfit was replaced and the 'old' clothes went into a bag for charity shop or was put away for another baby...
And a menu plan (especially as they get older and eat more proper food) -it was a four week rotating plan - I would change bits as I felt like it but I knew I could to stick to the plan and not have to think about it and didn't need last minute shopping trips for something as I used it to work out what I needed to buy in my weekly shop. And when you do your plan think about what else you need to do that day - no point putting something that needs an hrs prep on a day when you know you will be home late...
And batch cooking. Things like chilli and bolognaise - make great big pans full and freeze in 'one meal' portions - once done they are minimum effort - stick a pan on to boil, empty Nursery bag and refill if nec, put rice on to cook, chilli into microwave - wash out baby bottles and get ready to sterilise, put a load of washing in/hang some out or quick tidy up or whatever - empty bag of salad into a bowl, lay table, dish up, eat... washing up is minimum - one pan and a colander (and a few plates, cutlery and glasses...but no chopping boards or frying pans etc) and tidying up is no more than a quick wipe down.

But I think what helped most in the early days was my 'morning plan'. I went through and listed absolutely everything I did in the morning - to the level of 'boil kettle'. Then I put them in a sensible order, printed it out and stuck to it until it became a habit and I didn't need to look at it any more. It greatly reduced the time it took and the stress of getting out the door. But also it meant that I was no longer running up and down stairs umpteen times grabbing something I'd forgotten ...or just generally backwards and forwards around the house - before I must have covered a couple of miles before I stepped out the door ....it was physically exhausting - and not having to think about what I had to do/not forget (it was written down!) meant that it was less mentally tiring too...

pinkie1982 · 18/01/2017 14:02

I am travelling in total three hours per day - inclusive of drop off and pick up. It's a nightmare.
I recently picked an extra 8 hours at work a week eren't coping with the money situation with me being on three days but I am exhausted and am dropping those hours in March. I am missing out on so much with DS and he isn't getting on well with it either. DP is switching jobs instead for a higher paid one (although the new one self employed) just don't know what to do for the best, swings and roundabouts isn't it.

badg3r · 18/01/2017 14:22

Eventually you forget what life was like before and get used to going to bed at 9pm every night completely exhausted Wink
Seriously though, DH and I are both full time and basically I now work the bare minimum hours but massively more efficiently than before. I do most of the nursery runs because my work is closer but if DH can do it even a couple of times a week it massively saves my sanity. I don't think it necessarily gets easier, you just get used to it!