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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the heck do working mums manage this?!

432 replies

LosAngeles444 · 17/01/2017 16:45

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

OP posts:
MrsCharlieD · 21/01/2017 14:56

I work full time and have a ds who is 2.5yo. For me it's actually getting harder as at least when I first went back to work he wasn't walking or talking. Now we have daily tantrums over not brushing teeth or not liking the clothes I've got out for him. Dh earns more than me due to overtime but gas less stress and responsibilities than I do. He gets up in a morning, gets dressed and goes to work. I get up, shower, do make up and hair, make all the beds, get ds washed and dressed which is always a battle, feed cat and then do drop off. I do a lot of travelling for work and can often have a 3 hours commute ahead of me and often work 12+ hour days. I do most of the housework but we have a cleaner twice a month so I don't go overboard. It's bloody hard and I am often knackered and stressed. We're also trying for another baby. I must be mad!!

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 14:58

Well here the thing.predimonately it's women who give things e.g. Career up
For me,two working parents was always on the table.we discussed this pre dc
I couldn't be with a man who expected,wanted or encouraged me to give up
And I knew I wasn't minded to give up career when I had kids
I fastidiously planned,booked baby room,and we talk about who responds if we get the come to school call. Because it won't always be me, there an expectation that we equally share the what ifs

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 14:59

Why do you do more domestic stuff charlieD?why isn't it equal.long as you're mug enough he'll let you

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2017 15:40

Charlie Why are you washing your child in the Am? I'd drop that back to the evening and have your DH dress him. Do duvets. Quick shake and the bed is made! I don't have time for cushions and all that faff.

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 19:47

Is it too off topic to ask if there's any mums on this thread who have any experience of breast feeding when they go back to work, especially if they work fairly long days? Planning quite far ahead but I don't know if I'm being realistic in thinking I can do it for a few months?

GimmeeMoore · 21/01/2017 19:54

Just reduce to an am feed and pm bedtime feed when you return to wrk,supply will adjust

AntiGrinch · 21/01/2017 19:58

yes you definitely can! I went back to work when dd1 was 9 months, how old is your dc? She fed morning and evening and went to a CM who gave her water and food only during the day. She never had formula and I didn't need to express either.

She did massively extend her morning and evening feeds when I cut the day ones, and showed no sign of anything being wrong with that from her POV (I changed the schedule about a week before going back to work, didn't phase anything out as you are supposed to as I just panicked and thought "I have to know if she can handle this!" it was fine.)

I breastfed both my dcs till about 15 months while working full time, and they never had formula.

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2017 20:02

I manage a new mother who is currently BF upon her return to work at 3 months. It is possible if you have the right set up. We are working long days right now (12-16 hours a day) and I got my employee her own office at the client site with a fridge in it. The office has solid walls and a solid door unlike other offices which are frosted glass walls and door.

My advice to her was to block off time in her schedule when she needs to pump and lock the door so no one can come in. I had a few people complain about her having an office when her grade doesn't normally have their own office and I told them to take it up with the big boss not me. Soon shut them up.

I didn't BF my kids beyond 2 weeks (it was too bloody painful) but I certainly support anyone on my team who wants to. It is also required by law here in the US that we enable BF mothers to pump. Its in the ADA, a great piece of legislation.

If you don't have an understanding manager and I would see if there is working mothers group. I am heavily involved in ours and I am a mentor to new mothers who have such questions. After having 3 kids I don't mind speaking out. I know who to talk to and what to say at this point. Failing that speak to HR and tell them what you need (do get your own office if you can!).

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 20:10

Thank you that's so helpful! :)

Anti my current DC is 16 months and it was never a problem because I didn't go back to work until she was 14 months. DC2 (to be) will be no older than 9 months when I return, do you think this will be okay at that age to have 2 or 3 feeds a day? I didn't have any supply problems using the pump for DD either do I'm really hoping history repeats itself when I'm working. DD was on a lot of solids by then so hoping the next one will be the same!

Want2be that's really reassuring thank you, and I do think my workplace will accommodate it quite well. Just mainly worried about the time it takes me to pump, I used to have to do it every 3 or do hours or my boobs would be unbearably sore :S

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 20:11

Sorry meant to say 15 - 20 mins of pumping or feeding every 3 hours or do during the day :)

AntiGrinch · 21/01/2017 20:39

Evie, yes that will be fine if your dc is like my dcs. Both of mine went down to 2 feeds a day at 9 months (with the second one, I was still on mat leave and could have done more but that's what we did anyway).

If you want to keep your supply up and have bm as your 9 month old's primary source of milk, you will probably have to be very clear to your childcare that the baby has water and food only when not with you. They will be in the habit of dishing out formula to babies that age and if you don't want that, it might be surprising.

My CM was muslim and believed that all babies should be breastfed till they are 2 (apparently Mohammed pbuh said this) so she wasn't expecting to give formula anyway

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 21:03

Thank you Anti that's very helpful. Yes my mum mentioned about not feeding formula while I'm at working.

slightlyglitterbrained · 21/01/2017 22:53

Evie I went back to work when DS was 9 months - he was tasting solids at that point but not eating much more than a couple of spoonfuls if that.

I sent about 2-4 oz of expressed bm in each full day he was in nursery. Never pumped at work (was PT and found he didn't drink any on half days so only pumped enough for full days, and luckily could manage without discomfort for most part - remember the odd couple of days where it did get uncomfortable towards end of day). He never had formula, and about 1 nursery said he was no longer that bothered about expressed milk so I stopped.

He is still bfing at bedtime at age 4, so obviously had no fecking effect on bfing whatsoever. Make sure you always have a really good stash of pads as guaranteed you will find one day you'll get through them faster for whatever reason and no corner shop will have them.

FrenchieCurls · 21/01/2017 23:05

Single mum but easier now theyre a little older. Ds14 dd8 and have support off dd dad. I work fulltime hours are
M 8-6
T8-6
W8-6
T8-1
F8-1

On MTW my ex drops dd off and school and picks her up. I do it TF.
Housework and gym done when i have my half days. Weekend is for me and kids

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2017 23:44

Evie My employee shuts the door, puts her pump on and continues working. I made sure she had her own office because I wanted her to be able to work and pump at the same time if she wanted to. It was what my sister did and I thought it was a great idea.

chickalickaloo · 22/01/2017 01:15

Oh gawd I just do it!
It's fucking relentless but you build stamina and get on with it.
Hire a cleaner and a laundry lady.. as much help as you can afford!
I work 40 hours per week and DH 60, so it's mental in our house. Live for the weekend and don't sweat the small stuff.. the dirty bathroom will be there when you are done playing with the kids!

EvieSparkles0x · 22/01/2017 13:03

slightly that makes sense! I was thinking in an ideal world I would BF before work, send DC to childcare with milk expressed the previous night, BF twice an evening after work and them pump for the milk given at childcare. Worry I'm being ambitious though!

Want2be what a great idea I never even thought of that! That would definitely alleviate some guilt I think. Will have to get my head around using an electric pump though as I found my one to be less effective that the manual one for some reason :/

slightlyglitterbrained · 22/01/2017 13:20

Would suggest building up a stockpile of frozen milk over the few months before you go back, so that you don't have to worry if baby has mammoth feeding session one night/or you have a session where you don't get much. It lasts 6 months in a freezer, so then you would be able to decide to pump for comfort only some days rather than feeling under pressure that you have to get enough for feeding regardless of how busy/tired/ill you are.

nannybeach · 22/01/2017 16:45

4 kids returned to work when they were 3 months old, no childcare issues, I worked nights to my Hs days, carried on breastfeeding them when I was at home, expressed and froze milk for when I wasnt. There is a mith about "older" Mothers, I had one in my teens, one in my twenties, on in my thirties and last in my 40s, didnt feel any more or less tired with any of them. You do what you have to.

Want2bSupermum · 22/01/2017 17:40

When I was pumping I found the spectra to be as good as the hospital medela one which I had rented from the pharmacy. It was $240 here in the US. The flanges fit much better than the medela ones as I was in between sizes with that brand.

I would suggest you find a place that does rentals of hospital grade pumps and try them all until you find the one that works for you. My lactation consultant saved me from this step and her fee of $100 more than covered the cost of the stress. My sister had issues with her supplies decreasing when she went back to work. She took supplements, ate loads of oatmeal and drank silly amounts of water (like 6 pints a day) to keep her supply up.

CartwheelGirl · 22/01/2017 19:46

It's very hard. But as much as those early years seem like absolute forever, they are not. Kids grow up, go to school, and things get easier. So you only have to make it sustainable for a limited time period. If you can throw some savings or relatives help at it - do so. If you can get a nanny or an au-pair - do it! If you can give up on some chores (say no to ironing, do one takeaway night a week) - do that too! Finally, if your DH can negotiate at least one short day a week, that would help as well.

CartwheelGirl · 22/01/2017 20:05

EvieSparkles0x, I expressed at work and had no issues. I went back when my DS was 7 months, and then two years later when my DD was 6 months, and expressed as often and for as long as I needed, in a first aid room which was free most of the time. All these breaks counted as working time. Sometimes I read documents and work related stuff during these breaks but not always. I continued to express until my babies were about 1y old and transitioned into solids.

CartwheelGirl · 22/01/2017 20:07

I worked full time - no way I would be able to last the full day without expressing!

Spottytop1 · 22/01/2017 20:10

You'll get used to it - it takes time to get into new routines. I have 4 children, only 1 needs childcare now, but I've done the childcare/work routine for many, many years.

GimmeeMoore · 22/01/2017 21:51

Yes,you do get used to it,becomes your normal.i cant fathom what mums who don't work do
And I know someone will list me task,lists of stuff they do.In fact I do majority of it too
I'd say just get on with balancing it all,and you get there.dont over think it