How the heck do working mums manage this?!

[LosAngeles444]

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

Hire a nanny, so much easier. Mine even cooked dinner.

You do everything badly or burn out. I took the second option. We are still recovering. Make sure you have some time in the week for yourself and take short cuts whenever you can.

You have to leave work at 4 to pick up DS at 6? So you have a 2 hour commute each way? If so, that's pretty awful and IMO not sustainable for you to be doing drop off, pick up, 4 hours commuting and a day's work in between. As others have said it actually gets harder when they are older too as they are less cooperative.

Is there no way your DH could shift his hours by a bit to allow him to to mornings or evenings? Even if just a couple of times a week?

We all drive in together, I get out at the school and drop DS to his class, then me, DP and DD drive to work where DD's nursery is based. DP parks the car and I drop DD in and we get to our desks at 09.25. We leave at 5:15 then collect DD from nursery and DS from childminders (lives on our street) just before 6pm.
It's not fun, but I keep telling myself it's not forever. If we had to use a childcare settings which weren't by our home and place of work I expect it would be a lot harder.

It's hard and we have a short commute and nursery is on the way to work. leave at 8:15 to be at work for 9am, leave work at 5pm and we're home for 5:45. Dinner, bath, bed by 7pm for DS (a very frantic hour which stresses me out) and I'm usually in bed for 9pm. You get used to it but it does feel relentless and there isn't much flexibility if things go wrong.

Can you not drive straight to work after dropping little one off, or do you absolutely HAVE to get the train?

It isn't easy but routine is the key, also whilst little one is at nursery I would recommend using annual leave as a rest day. I didn't (and still dont) take a 2 week break, Instead I had 1 day off a month as a me day and to catch up on jobs, it stopped me burning out and needing sick days because whilst it sounds harsh in a work environment colleagues do get fed up of new parents who are always off sick because they've caught bugs from children or taking parental leave when the kids are sick.

I used lunch breaks to get any food I'd forgotten ready for tea, made good use of the slow cooker and took shares out in wine ;)

It's hard but give it a few years when they start school and you'll have a new set of challenges

Is your DH able to change his hours? What is his job?

I quite frankly wouldn't allow dh to leave all pick ups and drop offs to me. If I or any other mother were doing his job, there's no doubt I'd be trying to change my hours so why can't he?

It kills. I think it was worth it to keep my career going. Start of Primary school can be worse because your little one might need to go from childminder or breakfast club to school/school back to childminder etc and they can find these transitions really tiring.

Echo everything that has been said about routines, early nights (try and store sleep like a camel stores water!), being nice to yourself with box sets/favourite authors/decent food/yoga class/whatever. And think of the material gains and long term financial stability that will eventually accrue through continuing to work. I kept going through the hardest bits (crappily unsupportive partner, catastrophic ill-health) and it was pants at times, not least because you often feel like you never get the luxury of giving anything your undivided attention. BUT - 18 years down the line, we're in a great financial position, and everyone is fine - we all got through it.

Oh yeah, and DH working from home one day a week and therefore doing the drop offs was essential for my sanity - one day a week I didn't need to literally run out of the door at work.

By only working 2 days a week, and not doing those days consecutively! Dreading it when I go back to work after my next maternity leave and have 2 to get ready in the morning. DH does the pick up when he can as he works shifts.

I think your DH should do something so he can do drop offs or collections. My DH usually does drop off and it's very tricky when's he not able to do so.

Single mum to a toddler here. I pack everything the night before and have early nights as mine still isn't sleeping through at almost two. It's mostly just organisation imo. Could there be a possibility of your husband enquiring about changing his hours a couple of days a week to help with nursery runs? He could at least ask.
Slow cookers are good. I also batch cook and freeze. It'll get easier as they get older at least that's what I keep telling myself

There's no magic answer but don't do it all yourself. My DP does his equal share of prep, laundry, admin, annual leave for sickness, phoning for alternate childcare when needed etc. It isn't all on you. I have friends who are working mothers and they are basically providing a grown man with wraparound care.

It is a bit crap, but it does get easier when they are about 7 or so.

Similar situation to yours - DH works further away so he can do the occasional pick up and drop off but not consistently.

Having to drive to nursery is a bit rubbish. Get into audible books so you can immerse yourself on that on the train/walk bits of the journey.

It's hard but it does get easier I promise. As the previous posters have said, you'll get into a routine and not have to think about every step so you will become super efficient. Also anything you can do to streamline: do it! I take my breakfast to work with me. And can nursery give your little one breakfast?
Stick at it, you're doing fine 😊
Soon it will just be the unexpected nappy blowouts that throw things out of kilter!

Routines help enormously, as does accepting that not everything will be perfect.
Meal planning and online shopping. Use a slow cooker as much as poss.
Have a clear rule that weekends are for fun and spending time as a family, not supermarket shopping or spending hours doing duty visits to relatives etc.
I wish I'd hired a cleaner rather than worry about housework.

You get used to it. It soon becomes your normal, and in 10 years time you will look back in amazement at how you ever coped.

It was fucking hard,

Routine was all, nothing took more than 20 minutes from fridge to plate in the evenings.

For goodness sake we can't all afford cleaners and we don't all have flexible working. My DH is in retail and is a supervisor, he can't choose his hours as he's needed to open up tills in the morning or cash them up in the evening.

I have more flexible hours because I work in an office and most of my work it doesn't matter what time of day I do it (or where!) as long as it's done.

ANd, oh god, the childcare! We had every model going - nanny share, nanny, au pair, childminder, day nursery. Any of which can be very good, until the point where child or childcare provider is ill. It is hard, but women have always worked while having children to care for. Good luck, OP. Try not to moan about it at work, though. I'm sorry to say that even colleagues that are kind to your face have a way of sniping behind your back if they think that their child-free flexibility is being over-relied-upon to make up the time you take for child sickness, etc. You and your husband need to have a plan for what happens if your child is sick for a fortnight with chickenpox. Do you call up emergency nanny care, for example, and have you got a contingency budget for that? And if not, who is going to take the time off work to look after the child?

1)drop your standards
2) get a cleaner so the house doesn't get too revolting
3) get your child to have breakfast at school/ nursery in the morning
4) sort as much as possible the night before- including pre-preparing meals so that you can just put the slow cooker on in the morning or throw a tray in the oven in the evening
5) wine!

I agree, you both need to make changes.

We had twins - so imagine 2 x what you're doing, finding it all new

I changed my hours from 9-5.30 but stayed until 7 most evenings to 3 days per week, 8-4 and picking up some work in the evenings. I had a 1.5 hr commute - I left the house about 6.15am to get there on time, but meant I could leave at 4 and generally be at pick up for 5.30pm.

Husband changed his hours from 9-5.30 (leaving at 6pm ish) to 9.30am leaving about 6.30pm - he would get in as I was starting bathtime. He would generally work in the evenings too whilst I prepped everything for the following day.

It really is about both of you working as a team, both pulling your weight and being super organised with as much done the night before.

Can't you park at the station to save you going home? I know it will be an expense but will probably be well worth it.

mirime what would a working mother do if she did the same job as your DH?