How the heck do working mums manage this?!

[LosAngeles444]

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

I am on maternity leave at the moment but work 2 days a week (15 hours) and I find this difficult with dcs so I have no idea how people manage working full time and juggling everything. It sounds so relentless and seems like people are only living for the weekends. Lots of people do it though so it's obviously doable!

believeitornot not children as a badge of honour (although having them is an honour). I was inspired watching some women who feel proud of being able to manage both things satisfactorily & wearing that pride as a badge of honour - compared to feeling defensive and thinking that people look at you in self-pity as if the only reason you are there is because your DP doesn't earn enough. That was an important change in mindset for me & one that took many years. Accepting that while I will never be considered an ideal role model by many people, there is some merit in doing it and doing it as well as I can on all fronts. I have stopped worrying what others think. It is what is is. The only opinions that matter is mine, my husband and my kids.
My Y7 DD recently told the class that I was the person she most admired, I wasn't expecting that. but it meant a lot. I should add that my own mother and both my sisters all stayed at home with kids so for me, I did feel I was having to work it out on my own, as that (being home) was my own role model.
One more tip Choose a DP who will give you a kick when you need it. My DH was always more likely to say "You will be fine, get back on the saddle" than "Poor you, why don't you throw in the towel".

"some women who feel proud of being able to manage both things satisfactorily & wearing that pride as a badge of honour - compared to feeling defensive and thinking that people look at you in self-pity as if the only reason you are there is because your DP doesn't earn enough. "

I get this. My ex didn't earn enough, actually, but that wasn't the point - the point was that I am a talented, skilled and hardworking adult who CAN do things that are hard and I DO look after my family, in every single dimension in which you can. I look after my children materially, emotionally, educationally, physically, spiritually. It's a lot of dimensions but this is who I am, I am a multi-dimensional person.

I think it is good for children to have other influences and good childcare can be very positive for them. I also think that it is good for my daughters to see me making choices and decisions that I couldn't make if I didn't have an income. I know some SAHMs who can't take their children anywhere because they can't afford driving lessons, or a car - I'm sure they have a great time day to day without needing to travel miles, but I don't think it is necessarily healthy for very young girls to be given the strong impression at an impressionable age from their same sex parent that women's lives are necessarily small and constrained.

It is hard to do what we do, and I am proud of it. It is a completely legitimate decision, if you can afford it and have a materially supportive partner, to say "It's too hard, and actually not worth it." But I think it is, for me.

This is not my entry in a SAHM vs WOHM debate, because I won't take sides in that debate. I believe fundamentally that effectively all mothers (with a vanishingly tiny number of exceptions) make sincere decisions which put the wellbeing of their children, in their particular circumstances, first. I just want to enhance and raise the volume slightly on that point that girlsofsummer (great name!) made about embracing the pride of doing something difficult for good reasons.

Just to point out that us working dads do this too

STOP THE THREAD, EVERYONE STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING
TIME TO APPLAUD THE....

MAN!!!!!!!!!

[deafening applause]

just to be clear, Slarti, this thread was started by a working mother whose husband expects her to cover all the pick ups and drop offs. He doesn't do what she does.

there are a huge number of other mothers, on this thread and in the world in general, who shoulder the lions share of all responsibility for childcare.

there are relatively few fathers who take similar responsibility.

you may be an exception. jolly good.

THIS THREAD IS NOT ABOUT YOU

Stop press, a man has arrived.

there are a few possible reasons why a person might have posted that:

1 - they believe there is a natural, societal equivalence between what working mothers do and what working fathers do. Anyone who thinks this is an utter, utter fool and really should not dare to post on such a useful and sensitive thread as this.

2 - they understand that there isn't a natural equivalence, in general, but as a father they think they are pretty close to what most mothers do, and they want to be applauded for it. This is almost certainly mistaken; and even in the vanishingly rare cases where the fathers do do an equivalent job (I do not know of one single one) - why do you feel the need to demand that all attention be on you for it?

3 - they don't know or care about natural equivalence or otherwise, and are just attention seeking, babbling, and generally demanding cookies.

Whichever it is - get the hell over yourself, Slarti

Oh, I remember the pain of this all too well OP. I went back full time when DS was 4 months old and doing everything possible the evening before was certainly important. Prepping his bottles and formula, changes of clothes and packing nappies and wipes plus everything I needed for work - packed lunch and sort out my work bag and when all you want to do is collapse and rest until he wakes again and demands feeding.

I chose a nursery close to my work and so I would drop DS at nursery at 7.30am and get to work early, do my 9.5 hours and then back to nursery for 6pm collection. I worked compressed hours over 4 days so I had one day at home (saved on nursery fees also).

The house just turned into a hole and I lived on microwave spag bol and macaroni cheese! Although when DS started weaning my diet improved immeasurably. Eventually when I had some money coming in again I got a cleaner for a couple of hours a week which helped a lot.

DS' dad wasn't around then so I just juggled everything and got by eventually. You will to. As they say "This to will pass"

Could you and your husband ask your employers about flexible working arrangements - working from home one or two days a week or different hours to allow you both to do the nursery pick ups and drop offs?

My children's father and I both did it. We worked similar hours and ultimately I earned 10x what he did. I dealt with the children in the morning and he did after school in case I was late back (I had an hour's commute and he didn't) on the whole. One key thing in my view is which of the parents where there are two does the after school. We had childcare until 6pm so one of us had to be back at that time - not easy for either of us at times. The fact in our case their father usually could be back then certainly helped our family and my career although I also chose usually to leave as early as I could (and being home for 6.30 as pretty early) although not always was I back that soon.

Sorry not rtft so this may have been suggested already. Have a nanny. Just you to get ready. Leave directly for work as soon as nanny arrives. Come straight home. Nanny might even cook your dinner 😁 .

I remember going back to work and for the first few weeks I was falling asleep at half 7 with DS! You will get used to it soon when you get into a routine. Good luck!

It is tough but just throw money at the situation and see it as a project management project.
I love doing both being a mum and working ft. Once you get into a routine it is rewarding and great.
But we co sleep for a quiet life.

Bit of a needlessly aggressive and OTT response Anti. If my having a busy schedule of kids and domestic tasks offends you so much maybe you've invested too much in being a victim/martyr. If you want to believe being a good parent and partner is linked to having a vagina then so be it.

Oh bore off.

Try being a working single mum. Now that's hard work!

There's a lot of unnecessary hyperbole chucked at working mums.theyre demonised
its not gruelling.its not breaking boulders.its something millions folk do it daily
And kids aren't farmed,outsourced or left in Mrs Hannigan daycare
Mn creates a bit of a false dichotomy were mums are all able to give up work and jolly we'll get on with it...hmm.probably same folk who eke out a chicken for 10day to feed 6.

"me me me me me, just because I don't have a vagina doesn't mean it's not the same for me…."
Yes actually, it really does mean you don't experience what mothers do in our society. Fathers do any parenting at all and society pats them on the back, nobody is gonna try to make you feel like shit for either going to work, OR being a SAHM. Whichever mothers pick will never be enough. The bar is very fucking low for you, you clearly DON'T get it so to quote a PP, bore off!

No father ever gets berated going back to work ft.women get berated working ft
That's the crux of it societal expectations,the derision heaped on working mums
Whereas giving up things(e.g. Work) is saintly sacrifice,as opposed so called shallow pursuit money/career
That's why it's different,men are congratulated on being workers,fawned on when they contribute

TinselTwins, none of which has anything to do with the thread or what I posted. If you have chores and children to sort every morning before work it can be hard and challenging whether you're a working mum or working dad. I know, what a horrid thing for me to say. If you just want to pick a fight with someone because they do these things for their family then follow your own advice and bore off.

I agree with the posters above. As a career woman and mother of four, I lose count of the men who commented on "shame for your children", "don't you miss your children" and even "does your husband let you/put up with it". Luckily now that the children are older and I am older it's a lot less prevalent, but the comments made me think at times what a backward society we still live in.

It was backbreaking and exhausting and not for everyone; I would not expect all women to do what I have done as each individual has their own aspirations, levels of energy, career potential and/or ambition. My husband earned a lot, so it wasn't money for me.

Many may look down on me, but you know what, my nearly teenage children do look up to me and see me as a role model, plus they are adjusted, well rounded and bright kids, which makes me feel I must have done something right.

To the OP, you will get over the exhaustion, it won't get better, just different, but ultimately you can look back and whatever the outcome think you've tried your best, your hardest and done what needed to be done for whatever reason at the time. Good luck and keep going x

Why quibble about it slarti? Unless you're one of those tiresome people who like to pipe up what about men what about men! at any given opportunity.

As if the world doesn't give men enough of a voice. Ffs.

This is one of those situations where the person is just so misguidedly so far behind the knowledge and experience of everyone else in the room that you can't believe they actually have the gall to keep talking.

Why quibble about it slarti?

Why insist on this thread being exclusively for and about women? It was about the morning routine fgs. And why brand me as "piping on about men" when the hundreds of posts about women aren't "piping on about women"? Why be rude and aggressive to someone just because they're male?