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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How the heck do working mums manage this?!

432 replies

LosAngeles444 · 17/01/2017 16:45

Returned to work after maternity leave, DS 6 months old. DH works longer hours so I'm responsible for the nursery drop off and pick up. Morning, I drive DS to nursery, drive back home to park the car, walk 10 mins to train station to get into work. Have to leave work at 4pm to pick up DS from nursery.

Only just started this new routine and already knackered! How the heck do mums manage this? Aibu for thinking this is unsustainable and you just burn out at some point? I've only got one DS so know I can't really complain but it's already damn tough. How do you do it?

OP posts:
Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 18:14

slarti- I agree.

The sexism on this thread is astounding.

Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 18:18

christmaswreaths- but if we do a good job of parenting we are good role models to our children- no matter whether that's as a full time, part time or SAHP.

Bibblewanda · 20/01/2017 18:35

Oh another man has come along to explain life to us.

There cannot be sexism against men. Women are the oppressed. Men are the oppressors.

Start your own thread about working fathers if it bothers you that much.

Bitlost · 20/01/2017 18:46

You are not a working mum. You are a working parent. DH is a working parent too and should be doing either pick up or drop offs.

Touchmybum · 20/01/2017 19:06

Hate to tell you but this is actually the easiest bit!! DH and I have always worked full-time, and we have 3 teens now. It got way way harder when the activities after school started, and all the driving them here there and everywhere. I've actually struggled more over the last few years than I did when they were small, and of course, I'm older now too so don't have as much energy! You just have to get on with it, and make things as easy for yourself as you can.

Lostsoul231 · 20/01/2017 19:18

I agree
It's much harder by the time they're 11 and in high school.
No nurseries, after school clubs or holiday clubs to rely on but too young to be left to their own devises.

Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 19:18

touch I agree. I have found older children need a high level of support.

They get a lot of school holidays- far more than annual leave, they get sick, they want to do after school activities.

I pick my teenager up from school 4 days a week at 3.30pm ( on Friday at 1pm- the school finish time) so she can attend her extra curricular activities.

Slarti · 20/01/2017 19:27

You are not a working mum. You are a working parent. DH is a working parent too and should be doing either pick up or drop offs.

It's probably worth mentioning that employees have the right to request flexible hours. Not sure exactly what the criteria are and how easy it is for business to reject it but maybe worth it for either spouse in this scenario to give it a try. I put in a request to move my day from 9-5 to 9:30-5:30 so that I could manage the mornings better. It was approved and made things a lot easier as instead of dropping off at childminders just after 8am and fighting peak traffic I can drop off at school at 9am and what was almost an hour commute is now half an hour thanks to the much decreased traffic. And of course me and the three kids get an extra hour to get ready so not nearly as stressful as it used to be! DW finishes at 3pm when school finishes so she does the afternoon pick up.

GimmeeMoore · 20/01/2017 19:30

I knew a guy who's gf had baby same time as me.we worked
same hours
I said I'd like to meet up with his gf see the baby
he remarked I'd be spending time with my own baby as I according to him never saw my dc
So despite me & him working same hours, same length time out house,he was berating me...

GimmeeMoore · 20/01/2017 19:40

we use clubs for school hols.book to cover when we working.cater from 5yo
If the kids get sick we take time off.kids don't need a parent not working to Be off just in case they get sick
I don't understand this notion that kids need a non working mum to drive round and enable their schedules

Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 19:42

gimmee- I want my kids to have extracurricular opportunities- something I never had as a child.
If I can enable this then I will.

Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 19:48

gimmee, no you don't need to stay at home on the off chance a child gets ill, but often they do.
Some of us have children lucky enough not to get ill, others not. My son's attendance was rarely above 80% at primary school, and a daughter with the usual coughs and throat infections. With more than two children then the problem increases.

AntiGrinch · 20/01/2017 20:46

Slarti, if you have small children (by this I mean children who are too young to cut their own nails), and their mother still has a parenting role in their lives (whether living with you or not), can I ask you to ask yourself some things (do not feel you have to tell us here. I don't care what the answers are. this is an exercise for you)

  • ask yourself when the last time you cut all their finger- and toenails was.
  • was it more than 8 weeks ago?
  • Be honest. have you actually done that ever, habitually? as the main person who does it?
  • be honest. Have you ever actually done it at all? once?

Now (remember, this is all for you to do inside your head) - if the answers are

  • can't remember, a while ago
  • yes probably
  • hmmmmm not sure I that was ever my job, actually
  • hmmm. maybe not

then have a think about this. I mean, really think about it. Don't prepare an answer for me, or the board, because I don't care. Don't be all "well you're picking one job out of context" "child rearing has many facets" "their mother is such a control freak about that kind of thing". Because I don't care; and because evading the issue is NO USE to you. This is your exercise.

Ask yourself how i suspect (or, let's be honest, just KNOW) that you're not all over this.
ask yourself honestly.

Mindtrope · 20/01/2017 20:49

anti- why is that important?

My OH has never cut our children's finger nails.
It's one of the jobs I am better at- he has bad eyesight and I have better fine motor skills.

RichardHead · 20/01/2017 20:59

I have never cut the DCs nails, that's DH's job in this house.

Slarti · 20/01/2017 22:15

Anti why not ask yourself this: if you "don't care" why do you keep badgering me?

AntiGrinch · 20/01/2017 22:37

I do care about the fundamental misunderstandings you have shown on this thread, Slarti. And I do care about helping you get better at being a person, and a man. but I don't care about showing you up (not important to me), and I don't care about hearing your rambling egotism-while-missing-the-point.

I designed an exercise for you to do in your head because I don't care about the answers, but about its effect on you

Stop talking to me, and do the exercise. really do it.

GimmeeMoore · 20/01/2017 22:45

my kids have activities.they attend clubs in school holidays.im not there.i don't need to be
No parent needs to give up work to enable their children activity schedule
there is hyperbole around working.its not breaking boulders.its something folk do.quietly,daily,getting on with it

ceeveebee · 20/01/2017 22:48

What a bizarre point to make.
I have never cut either of my children's toenails or fingernails, that's DHs job, as is the ironing
It does amaze me how many mumsnetters appear to be married to men with such important jobs that cannot possibly make any adjustment at all to working hours/days so that they can get involved with looking after their own kids.

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 02:03

Poor Slarti

Ignore the OTT comments, you obviously weren't suggesting it's easier/not harder being a woman or implying anything about the wider social contexts and the effect they have.

My DP is a SAHD now, as we've been lucky enough to alternate since my MAT leave ended 4 months ago, it's a godsend to have such a hands on DP! And it's definitely a valid point about flexible working, I really on it pretty heavily.

I do think us women especially need to not feel guilty for requesting or using flexible working if it's available, just saying because I did feel slightly guilty going FT to PT but my managers have been fantastic and given me a lot of autonomy over the number of hours I work and how I chose to work them.

Mentioning because I think it makes family life a lot more balanced and hope it becomes much more commonplace in years to come! It would also help women especially feel more secure in career progression knowing that they won't have to give up a high ranking job or one they are passionate about to raise famiies, and their valuable skillsets can be given full potential!

EvieSparkles0x · 21/01/2017 02:04

And my DP always cuts DD's fingernails, haha :)

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2017 02:30

DH is really quite senior. We are talking about top 3 to succeed running the whole company. I don't give two shits about his role at work. He is my DH and the father of our DC. When I got the call today from the school nurse it was him who ran home at 3pm to pick her up from school. I ran out at 4:30pm because he realized he could walk into daycare with an elder kid who is sick. I'm working tomorrow and probably Sunday too. That's why I didn't run home when school called.

It isn't acceptable to me that he neglects his family and parental duties. That's why his number is first on all the school forms. Next year I'm only giving his number to force him into dealing with the school nurse.

Want2bSupermum · 21/01/2017 02:31

Sorry - he realized he couldn't walk into daycare!

Mindtrope · 21/01/2017 07:17

It isn't acceptable to me that he neglects his family and parental duties.*

But parental duties isn't just about being there when a child is sick.
It's about putting food on the table and a roof over heads.
My Oh works long hours and ia away a lot.
He can't suddenly rush back 300 miles to pick up a sick child.
I love being the main caretaker of our children.
Our children are loved, taken care of and I have huge freedoms to do as I wish with my time.

Slarti · 21/01/2017 07:42

And I do care about helping you get better at being a person, and a man.

Jesus Hmm

Here's an exercise for you. Imagine I am a human being instead of an alien species. Imagine I am not unmoved by the needs of my family. Imagine I am not impervious to your sneering derision and condescension. If you can imagine how you would feel then you're imagining how I feel. Maybe then you can be better at being a person.