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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to date a tory?

382 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 14:57

I know you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. But I'm currently dating someone who's told me he's a tory. He's a good person and I like him but I can't really get to grips with his ideologies about things. I'm politically aware but not active iyswim? I'd basically be ending the relationship purely because he's a tory but he's not actually a bad person so I feel a bit ridiculous.

OP posts:

joystir59 · 17/01/2017 16:09

I am married to someone who is in favour of the death penalty- to which I'm absolutely opposed. We used to have raging arguments about it, until I got to know her and her backstory and understood where her feeling about this subject springs from. She is the kindest person I know, someone who goes out of her way to help people and who is incapable of violence in reality,
I believe in God (but not religion), and she doesn't. We are not that far apart though in how we move through life. So- I would go with your gut instinct that he is a good person, and not end the relationship.

chocolateworshipper · 17/01/2017 16:10

Better than dating my FIL who went from being an outspoken Labour supporter for decades, to being actively involved in UKIP !

Sadik · 17/01/2017 16:10

Surely it depends, as others have said. If you're both relatively centrist, politically, and you think Labour have the better answers, he the Tories, then I don't really see it as a big deal. If you're a dyed in the wool Corbynite, and he's at the UKIP end of the spectrum, I imagine it would be a bit more . . . challenging.

HobbitTankard · 17/01/2017 16:11

Politics can feel tribal in a way that some people do not like. I think that is a more than valid position to take, as do most the floating voters out there I imagine.

CancellyMcChequeface · 17/01/2017 16:12

I couldn't date someone who had very authoritarian views, left or right wing. Supporting a particular party wouldn't be an issue for me, though. If I don't vote for a tiny third party at the next election I might vote for the Tories, not because I agree with them but because they're the 'least worst option.'

I have quite a few American friends and interestingly I tend to get on better with the Republicans than the Democrats among them when discussing politics. We disagree a lot, but it doesn't get as heated. Anecdotal, I know, but it surprised me.

TheNaze73 · 17/01/2017 16:12

I'm with roarity I couldn't be involved with a leftie.

Good thread OP, whatever your political leaning, if you have strong, opposing views, it could lead to issues within the relationship.

Katy07 · 17/01/2017 16:13

Tory voters seem to be quite selfish in their opinions and beliefs and that would put me off. I'd rather have someone who cares about other people rather than just looking out for themselves.
What a massive sweeping generalisation! And to be honest, what a complete load of bollocks!

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 17/01/2017 16:15

I couldn't marry a Trump-ite.

Whilst I couldn't marry a Tory either, I'd probably be okay with using him for meaningless sex. As long as he didn't talk (much).

Just kidding.

I'm not really

derxa · 17/01/2017 16:17

Tory voters seem to be quite selfish in their opinions and beliefs and that would put me off. I'd rather have someone who cares about other people rather than just looking out for themselves. I could write a long list of Labour MPs who seem to look out for themselves.

loobyloo1234 · 17/01/2017 16:17

I'm centre left and I agree with Katy07 ... you must be brain dead to think all Tory voters all have the one same view on everything

coldcanary · 17/01/2017 16:23

Married a Tory, we have interesting debates all the time! We're on the same side re Brexit/Trump which helps though (although he does consider Trump to be an interesting character study rather than a real threat - that's where we differ).
We also agree that Labour under Corbyn is sunk.
You don't have to date anyone you don't want to but if he's a good man can you see past his voting record? Only you can decide that one.

DoIDareDisturbTheUniverse · 17/01/2017 16:24

YANBU. IMO, your political beliefs represent your values and Tories don't align with my values. My DP is a very staunch socialist.

EBearhug · 17/01/2017 16:26

I am the result of a tory-labour union in the 1970s which lasted over 30 years, so it can work. However, I think it depends on how strongly you both feel about politics, whether either or both of you are politically active and how you handle discussion about it. I think both my parents were probably both more inclined towards the centre of their chosen parties, and there were some areas where they agreed with each other more than a particular party's policy. Also, they could actually sit and discuss the arguments without taking it personally (arguments they did have were more likely to be about things like childcare or a new lawn mower vs new washing machine.) So it very much depends.

Having said all that - there are a couple of blokes at work with whom I can only spend a little non-work time, because if we ever get into a political discussion, I just end up thinking how selfish and obnoxious they are, with no consideration or understanding of others less fortunate, and I think there would never be any chance of a relationship, even if either was single and I found them good-looking.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 17/01/2017 16:27

As a general rule people on the right tend to think those on the left are wrong, but people on the left tend to think those on the right are bad. So I think it is more common for lefties to feel conflicted about relationships with Torres than vice-versa.

I'm on the left (though more Red-Ed level than Corbyn) but through experience have found the whole 'uncaring selfish bastards who want to screw over the poor and needy' characterisation of Tories is way off the mark (in most cases!).

Also left and right wing is a very simplistic way of judging people. I would struggle to date someone who was socially conservative but plenty of Tories are socially liberal for instance.

Boulshired · 17/01/2017 16:30

I could not have a partner that was too left or too right. Many Tory voters I know are very similar to many of the labour voters I know. Most MPs in England could easily represent any party as they are so alike.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 17/01/2017 16:31

I did say 'seem to be' and accepted I might be wrong in my post. In my experience the Tory voters I have met seem to be out for themselves. But thank you for letting me know that I'm talking bollocks when recounting my experience.

Bejazzled · 17/01/2017 16:42

Each to their own and all that....there's more to a strong relationship than political views IMHO. I couldn't have dated a Corbyn supporting leftie for what it matters. I always went for intelligent men.

OdinsLoveChild · 17/01/2017 16:49

It really doesnt make any difference to you with voting different parties.

DH votes for 1 party I really really dislike, I vote for a different party he really really dislikes. I also vote completely different to my parents although DH votes the same way as his parents. Its just a difference of opinion. I hate red wine, DH loves it. DH loves hot weather and holidays on the beach, I hate all of those, give me the Cotswolds in winter any day.

I dont comment in a derogatory way about his preferred party and if he ever tried to comment about mine he would feel my wrath. We're both happy not discussing it. Thats the brilliant thing about living in the UK, you can vote for whomever you like and no-one can tell you that you are wrong....except on Mumsnet it seems

Maz2444466 · 17/01/2017 16:50

I'm a swing voter, I have friends that are massively left-wing, in fact most of my close friends. My DH is also a swing voter but was a tory when I met him and I was left-wing so we've met in the middle!! I don't think it means you can't come together, you don't know what 'being a Tory' really means to him, it might just be that his family voted that way so he does to. You don't know that you might not actually really see eye to eye except for these labels. I think it's just as dangerous to be far to the left as it is to be far to right, it isn't saints versus fascists. Fascism can come from the left too. I think a middle ground is probably the best place to be, and he might well be in the middle, have a conversation about his views on politics, what he really feels. My DH's best friend is a massive leftie, and they have great discussions on things and always come away meeting in the middle. Obviously some people are dogmatic and aren't open to debate but that's something you can find out before discarding the relationship.

Somerville · 17/01/2017 16:51

This discussion feels rather old fashioned. The last year has shown us that political divisions are much more complex than political parties. The biggest one for me this year has been Brexit and the only pro-Brexit friends I have on FB are Labour supporters, for instance. All my friends who are Tory members are pro-EU and campaigned ferociously to remain.

I do think the more things a couple has in common then the fewer potential flash points. But that, for me, wouldn't manifest any more as them being a member of any mainstream political party (I am not including UKIP which I think is flash in the pan) - that wouldn't bother me, as long as his views weren't too rightwing when it came to social issues, where I am fairly liberal, or too massively left or right wing when it comes to economic issues, of which I am of a quite centrist mind point, or too isolationist, which I am vehemently against.

I don't know how helpful that is to your dilemma, OP! I guess I'm saying that it depends what his views are on the things that you are really passionate about, rather than the last party he voted for.

Servicesupportforall · 17/01/2017 16:56

Do people really feel these dated old fashioned things. My dad has only and would only vote labour but as a successful business man he knows full well corbyn is a total twat with a massive ego and paper thin skin and would ruin the economy.

Surely sensible people vote for the person and party you they no best represents you and your values at the time.

I have voted labour/Tory and green. Draw the line at lib Dems.

People who shove their politics down your throats are very boring.

sleepachu · 17/01/2017 16:59

Tories wear jeans/blazers/shiny black shoe combos on nights out. Intolerable.

user1475253854 · 17/01/2017 17:02

I haven't RTFT but Sali Hughes wrote about this in The Pool as her partner is a Tory and she's left-wing. You might find it interesting. I think they were both on the same team regarding Brexit though, I think.

Bluesrunthegame · 17/01/2017 17:09

Couldn't love a tory. Even a handsome one, they have cold souls, I find. Occasionally I can read a tory, Matt Ridley's books on the genome are interesting, for example, although I'm not with him on climate change. But dating one? Loving one? I don't think so.

jacks11 · 17/01/2017 17:10

For me, it would be more of deal breaker if a prospective partner wasn't interested in listening to other views, including ones they don't share

This ^. I think it's a shame that you don't feel able to date someone who is otherwise kind, decent person based on this one aspect, but it's up to you. That said, I can see that having political views which are diametrically opposed would have the potential to cause some difficulties in a relationship.

At the end of the day if you don't want to date someone, for whatever reason, then don't waste either your or their time . If you don't feel you are compatible then don't carry on the relationship- it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks your reasons are petty.

On a more generally point, I think it is unfortunate that political discourse at the moment is getting more and more about surrounding yourself with, and only listening to the views of, people who have the same viewpoint with the dismissal (and often in very derogatory terms) of others. Debating in an echo chamber is unhealthy.

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